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  #1  
Old August 23rd, 2009, 12:35
jackie jackie is offline
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Default My Husband John x

Hi my name is Jackie i am 40 years old and my husband john died on 11th july 2009 at home he had been suffering from cancer for 10 months we have two beautiful girls both under ten years,John was my life,he was full of fun he lit up a room he was my husband the father of our children my lover my bestfriend my life we did everything together he protected us,why him? I feel angry, lost and very very alone, i can have a house full of people and still feel so lonley. I feel guilty because i just want to die too and i know john would not of wanted that he had great strength to fight the illness like he did he was always positive even when there was no hope, i love him and miss him so much,my life our family life is no more there is such a emptyness in our home although we are surrounded by memories of our life as a very happy family,but that has all gone and i am left not knowing what direction to go i feel like running but there is no where to go and i know if i do go i will feel no better when i get there what am i to do x
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  #2  
Old August 23rd, 2009, 15:30
nmacleod nmacleod is offline
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Jackie,

I share a lot of you feelings. I am 42 years old and my husband of 20 years drowned on July 28. I was with him when it happened and they have not been able to find his body.

Every day, I relive the nightmare of the evening and can't believe it ended the way it did. I keep waiting for him to walk back through the front door and give me the biggest bear hug ever but in my head I know that will never happen. It hurts so damn bad that I also just wish i could die so this pain would go away.

He was my everything as i was his. We tried for 10 years to have children and even did IVF twice with no success. So now I am alone with no children and I live on the other side of the country from my family and his. All I have left is our one dog and she is main focus as i am sure your kids are for you. I wish I had children so I would still have a piece of him to live on and at the same time I can understand how in some ways at least in the short term that must make it hard for you because you don't have the ability to curl up in a ball and just deal with your own grief because you are trying to be strong for the kids.

Like you, "I feel angry, lost and very very alone, i can have a house full of people and still feel so lonely."

I have been going for counseling and it helps a bit, but nothing can really take this pain away except time I am told. I just focus on getting through one hour at a time because otherwise i think I would go completely nuts trying to picture the future. My counselor told me the desire to die without the intent to make it happen is very common. Somehow that made me feel better about it although it hasn't taken away the feeling.

I don't know if hearing my story helps you or not but I hope it does in some small way help to know that others are experiencing similar grief. And maybe we can help each other through this terrible journey somehow.
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  #3  
Old August 23rd, 2009, 16:06
PhilJ PhilJ is offline
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The kids are my reason for continuing on, im 35 and lost my Fee on 9th July to a brain tumour. She was my soulmate my life my everything, i miss her every second of every day, and if it wasnt for the kids and knowing i have to make sure they grow up knowing how amazing thier mum was then i would have joined her.

All you can do is take it one day at a time, use this time to make new friends who have been through a similar experience and will help you get through it.
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  #4  
Old August 24th, 2009, 01:30
jackie jackie is offline
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Default my Husband John x

Thankyou for taking the time to reply.Nmacleod and phil,I know i am very lucky to have the children as john will always be apart of them.The grief is almost unbearable as i am not the person i was and i will never be the same person again,both my parents died when i was young and i see me as a child in my children in there grief i recognize the things they say and do and it breaks my heart i feel the grief of a child again and the grief of any adult and there is only so much your heart can take,I wish i could just fall asleep and not wake up as it all gets to much and i do not know what gets me up everyday i don't know where i get the strength to carry on from,my brother died 5 years ago he took his own life and that was terrible to cope with,so i also know that if i was to do that the awfull life my children would have,they never asked for this,and i don't know what i have done to deserve this,I have never done any wrong in this world all i wanted was a happy family and we was why was it taken away i just do not understand my husband was such a family man he never asked for much in life,everybody says i was lucky to have such a wonderfull husband many never find that kind of love xxx
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  #5  
Old August 24th, 2009, 08:41
PhilJ PhilJ is offline
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I understand those feelings, there isnt a day that goes by where i dont wish i could join my Fee. But deep down I know the kids need me and that keeps me going, i know she is watching over us all.

It is hard and I wont pretend i dont feel hollow inside and empty most of the time. But I am eternally grateful for the time i did have with her, I would have hated going through my life without knowing that love.

Time heals and friends and family and the kids will all help you get through it, until you re-find the balance in your life. Your John will always be a part of you and no matter what happens in the future that will never change. He can hear you and will watch over you and the kids, its just you cant physically hold him or be with him.
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  #6  
Old August 24th, 2009, 08:51
kidstrucking kidstrucking is offline
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Default My heart goes out to you

There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think of my husband who died on July 10 from cancer. It is an evil terrible disease. God did not give them this disease. He fought it, the only way for him to cure our loved ones is to give them eternal life. I found that my selfishness is what wanted to keep him here. I struggle every day and try and put into perspective that God is preparing us for what is yet to come. He is a big God that does not want to hurt his children, he wants to protect them as we do ours. He has given us so many blessings, both big and small. I keep thinking, even if I knew that this was the way it was going to end, would I have changed anything? No, I would still have married my husband and shared our lives and not given up on any of it. It is our life together that made me who I am today. I have my tough points, have 5 children to help greive also. It is a constant struggle, but God never promised life to be easy. Emotions can take control over us. It is good to let those emotions out, but don't let them control you. Enjoy your blessings, however big or small they may be. And every day that goes by is one day closer to our loved one.
God Bless.

Shelly
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  #7  
Old August 24th, 2009, 09:32
PhilJ PhilJ is offline
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I can agree with a lot of what you said, my partner died from a brain tumour, she didnt suffer much and i know if she had survived she would have gone blind, then lost motor ability, the ability to speak and would have been pretty much in a vegitative state a prisoner in her own body and I wouldnt wish that upon anyone. I do gain solace in the fact i know she is free now and in no more pain.

I have managed to find a balance between knowing how much pain she would be in if she was still here and my own selfish needs to hold her.

I also know she is here with me until the day I can rejoin her, im not planning on taking my own life and im not suicidal but it doesnt mean im not counting the days until we are together again.

As for god, well im no longer sure, in the last few years there have been 7 deaths around me and every single one of them cancer related and not one of them was a bad person in any way.

When i watch the tv and see the criminals stealing cars and killing people then crashing at over 100 mph then getting out of the car unscratched it annoys me, because you know if that was a good person driving at 30 mph they would be dead.

There is no justice in this life, the wicked and the cruel live the most pain free lives and prosper more than those that care and help people.

Dont get me wrong I would love to be able to reconcile this and understand and find my faith again, but its proving to be most elusive.

What kind of a God alows the good and just to suffer so much while letting the bad and evil get away with so much, what kind of god takes parents away from their children yet allows those parents that dont give a damn about thier children to prosper. Eternal life is our birthright, it is offered by god to all who exist, no matter how we live our lives.
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  #8  
Old August 24th, 2009, 10:59
jackie jackie is offline
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I think we all want to believe our love ones are in a better place,but away from all that like all your wifes and husbands who have passed john didn't want to go he tried so hard for 10 months to stay we new from the start the cancer had gone to far but it didnt stop john doing everything possible to stay he had chemotherpy,radiotherpy which made him so ill but it gave him a few more months with the family he adored and we loved him and sometimes it was selfish to want john to keep trying put i new the only other option and we both wanted more time together he didnt want me to be on my own he didnt want this for his children,the first thought that went through his mind was he wasnt going to see his girls grow up and be here to help them,and like phil says you see these terrible parents who do not give a dame and people who have been in prison for years because of ther terrible crimes and live to become a oap. what did john do so wrong to suffer so much emotional pain and physical pain he was a lovely man and i know i will never meet anybody like him again xxx
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  #9  
Old August 24th, 2009, 15:46
PhilJ PhilJ is offline
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You never will meet anyone like John again, he was unique and you should remember that, also no one can ever replace him, your memories of him will always get better, you will forget the arguments and bad times, the annoying habbits that drove you up the wall will no longer be annoying but things you find you miss the most.

When you are ready to move on, dont look to replace John, look for someone who respects you, respects your memories of John and doesnt feel threatened by them, look for someone you respect and in time you may fall in love again, it wont be the same, it wont be better or worse, it will be different.

The hardest part is not feeling guilty about not wanting to be alone, I know when i just think about not being alone for the rest of my life i feel like i am somehow betraying the memory of my Fee.

I do wonder about the person i would need to find, and would it be fair on them that they could only ever have 90 % of me as there is 10% that will be eternally Fee. Also what kind of person could understand..

Truth is I dont know the answers but in time maybe I will...
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  #10  
Old August 24th, 2009, 15:59
jackie jackie is offline
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Default moving on

your so right phil,i feel the same if i was 60 i think i would be pleased with my lot but when your still young the thought of being on your own forever is horrible,but then theres the guilt you would have to find someone very special and that could be hard to find,we had so much respect for one another,i would hate to be with someone who didnt care i would be better on my own with my memories x
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