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Old May 10th, 2016, 19:19
Bobslp Bobslp is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 3
Default Hi

I'm not quite sure where to post an introcuction so I'll do it here. I finally got my word document finished and here is my story:
Hi folks,
My name is Bob and I'm a speech pathologist hence my nick here.
My wife and I were married for over 40 years. Last Christmas Eve while we were visiting in Lexington KY, she got sick and her voice dropped as if she had laryngitis and her back starting hurting. We both had/have pain issues and went to pain management but this pain was worse than she had experienced in a long time.
I had to drive home from our visit, about a 4 hour drive. She always drove everywhere we went.
She went our Dr and was given antibiotics and seemed to improve. Then she got weaker and was diagnosed with pneumonia and given more antibiotics. When she still didnít improve with treatment, the MD did more x-rays and found a spot that the pneumonia had masked. CT showed a large tumor between the lungs. Biopsy showed small cell lung cancer and omitting many details, she was gone on Feb. 27. Three days after her birthday.
I didnít know what grief was/is. I have had anxiety, periods of moving around the house looking for things to get done but not getting them done, losing things, obsessing about things, odd bursts of energy etc. Not to mention terrible feeling of loss, guilt, regret etc. Oddly enough, I havenít experienced anger or depression. Iíve dealt with depression most of my life so I know those symptoms intimately.
I was beginning to feel better when, 2 months to the day, her dog was diagnosed with a bad tumor and had to be put down. I say her dog, we had 2 dogs but the little one didnít care much more for me. (More on that later). Now the other dog is ill with intermittent neck pain. I donít know what to expect next. I feel like a beat up old man living with a beat up old dog waiting for the next episode of loss.
I would love to hear from any of yíall (yeah, Iím from the south) who have had recent loss and what direction your grief took.
Thanks for reading, I have a good feeling about this place.
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Old May 11th, 2016, 12:12
cal821 cal821 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default Welcome Bob

Bob, it sounds like your still very much in shock of what has happened.. Please accept my condolences for your loss of your dear wife. Right now everything is on auto pilot for you.. Hours.. days.. weeks.. are blending into one... 40 years is a very long time together. The memories you must have..

I'm sorry Bob your having to go through this. You are heading in the right direction.. Keep writing, journaling, try to get things moving with your thoughts.. no matter how sporadic they are right now.. It all helps a little bit at a time.

I too suffered a very quick loss of my wife of 8 years.. We had a bad car accident. So I know the surreal state of loss your currently feeling right now. Its going to probably take you a while to get a foot down to stop the tailspin get back on track again. So just go with it and trust this is unfortunately part of the process. Of learning how to reinvent yourself and your life now that things have changed so dramatically in your life.. nothing will ever be the same again.. its all part of being broken open and rewired.. still the same person.. just now different since this experience has changed you..

Word of advice ...keep reaching out! The best thing you can do for yourself in your loss right now... volunteer.. reach out to friends.. its not about keeping yourself busy.. its about staying connected.. Our first response after a deep loss is to fall back into our pain and misery once the loss registers with our brains.. Isolation is a deep pit once you fall into it.. It feels natural to progress that way.. to fall back into the loss and numbness from it. But its a trap.. Once grief comes into your life.. it will gladly stay there like an unwelcome houseguest. But if you stay connected it will give you the life lines you will need.

40 years of memories.. that is a huge blessing.. though there will possibly be a time when it feels like a curse. Hang onto them!! for each one of them will pull you through your darkest hours..

As to surviving this dark time...everyone grief is different and at different intensities.. There might be posts on the site here that will help you.. that you can relate to directly... others not so much... I think what it all comes down to is the shared experiences.. the connections.. being able to relate. Feel and relate to someone else's pain through shared experience.. it all comes together..

I'm sorry about your dogs. I know it feels like another kick when your already down. Multiple losses seem to follow a huge knockdown in our lives.. it makes things harder to deal with sometimes.

It's all going to work out and you have made your first small steps of many.. you found this site.. and it can help you if you so choose. Go with the experience and don't bottle it up... is all I can truly suggest..

I wish you peace for your shattered heart ..

Dave( AKA CAL821 )
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

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Old May 12th, 2016, 12:12
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,144

hi Bob thankyou for sharing your loss with us it takes courage to open up and share such a sad parting .All the agonies you are going through is part of grief and we have to go through them all, in some way they help us to reach acceptance but it takes time .For you it is still raw you are trying to exsisit now in a life that you didn't choose and i daresay doing things that you didn't have to do before her illness and it's very hard and heartbreaking.I always compare it to climbing a mountain that is too high and rocky to see the summit ,it's cold and the rocks are slippy with snow that freezes us to the bone but somehow we know the sun and green fields and valleys are waiting to enfold us with love and a future where we be happy again on the other side .So we start this climb of coping with despair some days we falter, some days we slip and fall back to the beginning, and some days a friendly hand grabs us and lifts us further up along our way i remember Dave and a few others lifted me many times when i not only stopped but lost my way .We all go on this journey when we have lost a loved one some need more time than others, but in the end we get there and this doesn't mean we forget the past when we are able to walk over to the other side we carry them in our hearts to the future and we realise we can be happy again and we must be because thats everything our loved ones in heaven wish for us.I was so sorry to read about your dog as well i lost mine 2 weeks before my loss and a multitude of other awful things that happened i sometimes wonder where we find this strength from to cope, i suppose it's when we are able to look back on it all and we can see it's one of the gifts we are given when hell has touched us we have gained more courage strength and compassion our loved ones have taught us this and left it as a parting gift .i will repost some blogs that may help you sending love and a hug to you to say i care, we are here for you Hazel x
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