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  #1  
Old June 18th, 2014, 07:34
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Default I feel like cannot do this

My god, I can't take the pain. My mind can't comprehend that Bill is gone. He was so into his health how did he not know that his Hep C was acting up. 36 years sober nothing in his system and he ends up with liver cancer with a direct result from the hep c. It does not make sense to me. My mind goes to this tine last year. We walked, biked for miles, he worked and gardened. No signs except he was a little tired. I also am blacking out the last 9 months of caring for him. It's like he was here and now gone. The pain is to much. Almost three weeks with him being physically gone, but really months. I want to disappear but he taught me so much about living. How do you do it??
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  #2  
Old June 18th, 2014, 17:32
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi jodie theres no easy way to get through this no magic wand im afraid we grieve because we love them so much the first 3 months i just sat looking at the kitchen wall all day and most of the night as you know yourself it's hard to sleep and my heart went out to you last night when i saw you on here so late i used to give in to sleep when i was exhausted the body clock goes haywire the anger with the cancer is understandable like i said to you yesterday we have to recover from that hell as well there are no words to describe that despair it was a living nightmare i know you think you won't survive and feel you don't even want to but you will you were as strong as you could be for him last year now you have to find some strength for yourself and courage to face the days Bill taught you about living what a wonderful gift he gave you amongst all the many others somehow in time you have to gather them all up and these memories the gifts he lovingly gave to you are the way forward he didn't show you how wonderful life is just for that moment in the past they are for your future as well to carry in your heart I can't lie and say this is going to be easy we both know it's not but like us all who have been on this forum we survive and bit by bit the fragments of our shattered life are pieced together but what different and better people we are because we knew and loved them i will be here for you if you need to talk i know how desperate the pain feels those first few months my heart goes out to you wilh love and hugs xxxxxx
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  #3  
Old June 18th, 2014, 17:41
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Thank you again for reaching out. I am headed to a young widows bereavement group tonight. My sister is going with me. Today I did go out for a little walk, because in MA today it was a perfect day. A day Bill would have said to get out there, so I tried. Because I am sober for almost 18 years I cantvtajecanything to take the pain away. I have to go through it like you described. I look forward to the day the grief lifts so I can live the life Bill taught me and showed me. Thanks again for always knowing what to say. How long has it been for you agsin??
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  #4  
Old June 18th, 2014, 19:38
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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i'm so relieved to hear your sister is there for you and how supportive she is going to the young widows group with you please let us know how you get on There is nothing in this world you can take that will numb your pain and if there was it wouldn't work because grief has to be faced head on it's the only way forward those that find solace in any way to obliterate feelings through drink or pills etc are deluding themselves that this will help it never does there's only one way to get through this awful time and that's to be brave as strong as you can be face the stages of grief as they come with a clear head and do what you have to do to get through the days Bill is proud of you that you have chosen this way to mourn his passing be strong and have faith I lost Darren 2 and a half years ago he was 50 another person far too good and young to be taken with this dreadful evil cancer i was like you desperate in the hell i found myself in
I have made many friends on here none of us wanted to carry on at the beginning but we all did and we found out in many different ways life is still good we can all find some happiness in our lives again it was damn hard many many tears some of us took longer than others but we all found our way in the end love hazel xx
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  #5  
Old June 18th, 2014, 22:38
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Just got home from the support group. It was good. Small group with losses from a year ago, four months ago to me almost three weeks ago. As usual it's night I get a peaceful feeling at night, like I made it. So going to sleep is okay it's just the am. Thank you once again for getting it and tonight I don't feel as alone I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow xo
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  #6  
Old June 20th, 2014, 09:59
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Default Iam very sorry for your loss Jodilynne

Welcome to the forum.. I see Hazel has already spoken with you here. It sounds like your doing everything you can and heading in the right direction. Just remember one day , one minute , one hour at a time..
The hellish merry-go-round ride will slow down in time... Just be patient with yourself.
Going to the widow's group is a great start. Just keep remembering to reach out in your pain. When we hurt everyone's first reaction is to withdraw into the pain..

Though it has been a while since I have written anything of value here on the forums. Please feel free to read some of my posts. They might give you the lift you need to get through a bad day..

Your doing really well Jodilynne in the journey .. It's just going to take some time. Remember Bill has only left the physical .. he is always with you 24/7 in your heart, memories, and mind. Our loved ones never leave us and they will always be with us as we pick up and start in a new direction.

I wish you peace for your shattered heart.

Cal821( Dave )
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Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #7  
Old June 20th, 2014, 12:17
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Thank you. I have seen some of your posts and the have helped. I think I am starting to realize he is gone. I know he is stiund me but I miss the physical presence of him. We had such a blast with one another and most times it was just doing simple things. I miss that. So many memories. I hope onecday they bring joy not pain.
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  #8  
Old June 30th, 2014, 10:30
HannahD HannahD is offline
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Jodilynne… I think we all know just how you feel. I continue to feel that way every day. I think I must be in a dream that I can't get out of. The pain is deep and raw and I struggle to get through the days.

I'm hoping my grief will soften in time. Right now it feels as if it never will. Try to be as strong as you can. We're all in this together.

Hannah
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  #9  
Old July 2nd, 2014, 23:24
Jodilynne Jodilynne is offline
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Thank you. It's been really rough this past week. Reality setting in. I miss him and our life. I am lonely and deeply sad. Someone I have made it through almost five weeks. Most days it's like groundhogs day. I keep thinking I am gonna wake up from a bad dream and my life will be back to normal. In the meantime I look forward to going to sleep and hope he cones to me. Only once has he though
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  #10  
Old July 3rd, 2014, 18:48
judyr judyr is offline
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hey Jodilynne, I too lost my husband (Bill) 2months ago. I know how you feel, live just isn't the same and it doesn't feel like it ever will, I don't even know what I feel except unbelievable pain and being alone. my Bill was taken by an accident here in the back yard. But it doesn't matter how, it's all the same, they are gone and it is hell. just wanted to say I'm thinking able you and prayer for alittle peace for us all.
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