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  #1  
Old July 3rd, 2013, 12:44
IMU1111 IMU1111 is offline
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Default Still So Hard and Still So Lonely

The day my love departed this world (December 18, 2012) my life was forever changed. These last months facing this world dealing with the a loss is the most painful thing I think can anyone can experience. Going back to college only weeks after has been extremely taxing on my mind and soul. I'm a good student yet I had to withdraw from 2 classes to prevent failing. I have days where I can't stop crying long enough to get out of bed. Alycia was more than my soul mate she was and is me. We are more than just a like, when our souls were split from 1 being to 2 beings (m&f) she was the other half of me that was divided. Its not that we finished each others sentences, we didn't even need to speak because we always had same thoughts. However, with all the pain I feel that will never subside; I have been doing all I can to ensure nothing negative comes out of this tragedy. If I am going to feel this great pain for the rest of my life then I need to live a life in balance this means I have to increase positive emotions and feelings to counterbalance the negative. I'm trying to channel the negative into positive and to use it as my driving force. I have gotten up and went back into the world, to live and experience life as she would want from me, as I would want from her had roles been reversed. As painful as this has been I have begun to learn things about myself that I seem to have forgotten; this has been an interesting sensation but a very difficult thing experience. I also spend a lot of time with her family (more than mine). And since we were so much alike and i knew all of her hopes and dreams for her family; while its not the same i have been able to provide comfort for her family to share with them who she is, the person they didn't know. This really brings me great joy inside that they have accepted me as 1 of their own. I have also begun an International Peruvian Alpaca Clothing business in her honor to support local communities and so I can travel back and forth between the US and Peru to visit the last place I saw her shining smile, in hopes of being able to eventually operating it from living down there. Although the greatest tribute I have initiated in her memory is in Oct 2016 i planned a large tour with as many people as I can (30+) to recreate the month long tour Alycia and I had planned in Peru. This is to include her family, my family, and anyone that has impacted her and my life all ending to spread her ashes at Machu Picchu since this was our destination when the accident occurred. When I was doing my semester of school in Peru, Alycia spend all of her time planning and preparing to come travel and experience with me when it was over. Now that she has gone ahead its my turn to spend time planning and preparing to go experience with her. What we perceive as time exists in our mind only to measure distance between experiences in this reality, this would mean the more experiences I have the quicker time will pass and the quicker I will once again be in the presence of my love. Positive experiences take me closer negative experiences take me farther away.(that's why when we are busy time flies)

This has been my path since my loves departure. While some say I'm taking it well, I do not feel that way. I cry hourly still, and while we all do talk to and about her frequently I don't feel as though i have anyone to talk about me and share my real feelings and emotions with. People say they are here and open to listen but no really wants to hear and feel what I feel inside. It is almost not fair for me to put emotions that heavy on others, if I can barely stand them how can others bare it. I do have direction and I do have people all around but I feel just lost and alone as I did the day it began. I don't know what I'm reaching out for because I don't know what comfort can be brought to me; I just needed to vent my loneliness.

Thank you all for taking time to read my story
I love you all so very much
Saludos
Brad

Here is my story, my original post
http://www.thelightbeyond.com/forum/...ad.php?p=12490

I'm unsure how I feel about including this because this is not my intention on posting this message. But any help to aid in taking her back to her resting place would be greatly appreciated. Here is the beginning of my site there are more items to add to it
http://www.etsy.com/shop/NativasPeru...ef=seller_info
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  #2  
Old July 3rd, 2013, 16:57
gumek gumek is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IMU1111 View Post
The day my love departed this world (December 18, 2012) my life was forever changed. These last months facing this world dealing with the a loss is the most painful thing I think can anyone can experience. Going back to college only weeks after has been extremely taxing on my mind and soul. I'm a good student yet I had to withdraw from 2 classes to prevent failing. I have days where I can't stop crying long enough to get out of bed. Alycia was more than my soul mate she was and is me. We are more than just a like, when our souls were split from 1 being to 2 beings (m&f) she was the other half of me that was divided. Its not that we finished each others sentences, we didn't even need to speak because we always had same thoughts. However, with all the pain I feel that will never subside; I have been doing all I can to ensure nothing negative comes out of this tragedy. If I am going to feel this great pain for the rest of my life then I need to live a life in balance this means I have to increase positive emotions and feelings to counterbalance the negative. I'm trying to channel the negative into positive and to use it as my driving force. I have gotten up and went back into the world, to live and experience life as she would want from me, as I would want from her had roles been reversed. As painful as this has been I have begun to learn things about myself that I seem to have forgotten; this has been an interesting sensation but a very difficult thing experience. I also spend a lot of time with her family (more than mine). And since we were so much alike and i knew all of her hopes and dreams for her family; while its not the same i have been able to provide comfort for her family to share with them who she is, the person they didn't know. This really brings me great joy inside that they have accepted me as 1 of their own. I have also begun an International Peruvian Alpaca Clothing business in her honor to support local communities and so I can travel back and forth between the US and Peru to visit the last place I saw her shining smile, in hopes of being able to eventually operating it from living down there. Although the greatest tribute I have initiated in her memory is in Oct 2016 i planned a large tour with as many people as I can (30+) to recreate the month long tour Alycia and I had planned in Peru. This is to include her family, my family, and anyone that has impacted her and my life all ending to spread her ashes at Machu Picchu since this was our destination when the accident occurred. When I was doing my semester of school in Peru, Alycia spend all of her time planning and preparing to come travel and experience with me when it was over. Now that she has gone ahead its my turn to spend time planning and preparing to go experience with her. What we perceive as time exists in our mind only to measure distance between experiences in this reality, this would mean the more experiences I have the quicker time will pass and the quicker I will once again be in the presence of my love. Positive experiences take me closer negative experiences take me farther away.(that's why when we are busy time flies)

This has been my path since my loves departure. While some say I'm taking it well, I do not feel that way. I cry hourly still, and while we all do talk to and about her frequently I don't feel as though i have anyone to talk about me and share my real feelings and emotions with. People say they are here and open to listen but no really wants to hear and feel what I feel inside. It is almost not fair for me to put emotions that heavy on others, if I can barely stand them how can others bare it. I do have direction and I do have people all around but I feel just lost and alone as I did the day it began. I don't know what I'm reaching out for because I don't know what comfort can be brought to me; I just needed to vent my loneliness.

Thank you all for taking time to read my story
I love you all so very much
Saludos
Brad

Here is my story, my original post
http://www.thelightbeyond.com/forum/...ad.php?p=12490

I'm unsure how I feel about including this because this is not my intention on posting this message. But any help to aid in taking her back to her resting place would be greatly appreciated. Here is the beginning of my site there are more items to add to it
http://www.etsy.com/shop/NativasPeru...ef=seller_info
hello dear brad, im not on here so often these days so just looking in to see if any old or new friends were here. this forum was a life saver to some of us.
I was sad to read your post today brad, still early days for you, it is awful for those of us left behind, apart from the pain and grief of loss we have to carve out a new life don't we but as yet no one tells us how we can do it do they? and some of us make mistakes on the way, well I speak for myself of course. you know brad despite everything, we do cope, we do learn to do things they always did so well, we do begin to step out of the boat and walk back into life again. there will always be times when a memory comes followed by tears, anger sometimes rears its ugly head too but somehow, someone helps us through. next week will be 20 months since my hubby went, I don't know why I still count the months I suppose when the 2 years arrives I will that much further on, you see im determined to get a new life going, don't know how or what but I want that so much. ive had people rebuke me for not grieving enough and others that ive grieved too much, I ask you what do we do with these people? anyway, you are still young, im not and if I can hope for a future at my age then so can you. it will get easier for you in time, the pain will lesson but will always be there to some degree, i wish we could turn that off but we cant. so dear brad sorry for talking too much, oh I wish you all the very best and a most wonderful future filled with happiness, light and love. god bless you.


sending many hugs

chrissie. xxx
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  #3  
Old July 4th, 2013, 08:42
SoVerySad SoVerySad is offline
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Brad,

Thank you for your beautiful, thoughtful post. First, let me say I felt very inspired by your words of trying to do positive things to balance out the pain. I am trying to find a way to add more positive things to our life as I have 2 children (ages 13 & 14) who need to have fun experiences and not always see me so sad. I am trying, but haven't been very successful yet as the pain and loneliness is so hard.

I understand your feelings about your pain and loneliness and feeling as if others pull away when you express them. I feel that those who have not experienced this deep of a loss cannot really understand how painful it is to lose the person you were closest to, you counted on for love and support, and your entire future plans were entwined with. I think they want to say things that will help us, yet don't know what would. I myself don't know what would help me, except for the ability to have my husband and my old life back. But, of course, that can't happen, so I feel kind of hopeless that I will ever feel happy again. That sense of hopelessness makes it hard to keep pushing to a new future if that future means more of this pain. And yet, I must. I've just been trying not to look ahead too much and just take it day by day.

I wanted you to know that I understand the loneliness. It is so overwhelming at times and I feel it even when I am around others. I lost a part of myself when my husband died. Along with missing him, I miss that part of myself - the one that felt loved, secure, cherished, and joyful.

Hugs to you, Brad, as you continue on this journey that none of us wanted to embark upon.

Carol
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  #4  
Old July 4th, 2013, 16:38
grace grace is offline
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Hi Brad and Carol I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my husband, the love of my life last year. I totally understand your pain and loneliness. No matter where we go or who we are with we carry a loneliness that is only understood by those who have lost a loved one.
I can tell you both that it will get better, sure I have bad days ~ but they are coming a little less frequently. Be sure to write down all your memories so they won't fade over time.
Brad the fact that you've started a company and are planning a trip shows that you are making progress. Talk to Alycia, she can hear you and will give you signs if you are open to them. -Grace
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  #5  
Old July 28th, 2013, 22:20
IMU1111 IMU1111 is offline
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Thank you all for your heartfelt words. Sorry for the lack of response, I am on here freuently to look but so often I feel at a loss for words. With every word I read on these forums I feel the pain from you all; I really just want to reach out and embrace all of you. But just like i feel all you need, I need an embrace. Random hugs from friends and relatives make me melt inside and I want to tell them not to let go but even if I did and they held on it still wouldn't be the same as if it was my love. I long to be held, these strong feelings of loneliness are overwhelming. Being out in public watching everyone enjoying life with thier other, makes me smile and breaks my heart at the same time. I'm so confused I love her so much, but am I suppose to be alone. The more time passes the more I feel I am. She was more than my soul mate she was my twin flame, I don't feel like it would be fair of me to pursue another when I know the other is not the other half of my soul. How could I be with someone if I can't give myself to them fully, I feel like I would be taking advantage of or settling (idk if words can describe what I mean) if I were to find another. And I don't feel as if it would be right of me to lay in anothers arms crying because I want to be in the arms of my Alycia....With that being said, I still lay in bed at night crying wishing to be held. I feel so alone and it is so painful. I don't know who to talk to about this. I don't want people thinking that I'm over it and ready to move on, But rather want someone I can love and who will love me, to hold me, and be by myside through all of this. Even though its going on 8 months, I only had her for 10days after my 4 month long semester of being away before the accident. I've been lonely and missing her for so long and its only going to get longer before I'm once again blessed by the sight of her. I feel like I'm being selfish, because this is all about me. I just don't like feeling this way.

I Love You All Very Much
Saludos
Brad
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  #6  
Old July 28th, 2013, 23:05
SoVerySad SoVerySad is offline
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Brad,

I am sending you a tight virtual hug, because I understand well when you say how much you miss them. I miss hugs from my husband, too. They always made me feel safe and loved. I am struggling right now with feeling afraid about everything. One of those hugs from my husband would surely help me so much. To know I'll never have them again is just so hard to accept.

I really loved being married, being part of a couple. I can't imagine ever finding anyone who would love me like my husband did again, and whom I could feel so connected to. It is so painful to be so alone now.

Brad, I wish I knew more words that could comfort you. It is such a tough time for us, isn't it. I'm sorry we all have to be feeling so lost. I'm hoping time will help ease the pain a little.

Sending you another tight hug...
Carol
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  #7  
Old July 29th, 2013, 03:40
gumek gumek is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IMU1111 View Post
Thank you all for your heartfelt words. Sorry for the lack of response, I am on here freuently to look but so often I feel at a loss for words. With every word I read on these forums I feel the pain from you all; I really just want to reach out and embrace all of you. But just like i feel all you need, I need an embrace. Random hugs from friends and relatives make me melt inside and I want to tell them not to let go but even if I did and they held on it still wouldn't be the same as if it was my love. I long to be held, these strong feelings of loneliness are overwhelming. Being out in public watching everyone enjoying life with thier other, makes me smile and breaks my heart at the same time. I'm so confused I love her so much, but am I suppose to be alone. The more time passes the more I feel I am. She was more than my soul mate she was my twin flame, I don't feel like it would be fair of me to pursue another when I know the other is not the other half of my soul. How could I be with someone if I can't give myself to them fully, I feel like I would be taking advantage of or settling (idk if words can describe what I mean) if I were to find another. And I don't feel as if it would be right of me to lay in anothers arms crying because I want to be in the arms of my Alycia....With that being said, I still lay in bed at night crying wishing to be held. I feel so alone and it is so painful. I don't know who to talk to about this. I don't want people thinking that I'm over it and ready to move on, But rather want someone I can love and who will love me, to hold me, and be by myside through all of this. Even though its going on 8 months, I only had her for 10days after my 4 month long semester of being away before the accident. I've been lonely and missing her for so long and its only going to get longer before I'm once again blessed by the sight of her. I feel like I'm being selfish, because this is all about me. I just don't like feeling this way.

I Love You All Very Much
Saludos
Brad
brad I join with carol and grace and also send to you a tight hug. your not selfish you are broken, sometimes we sit and try to find ways to put an end to that terrible ache. brad please don't be harsh on yourself, lonliness has to be one of the worst god given emotions and though it eases in time, it never seems to fully go. please hold on in there, keep talking, one thing this place has is friends who know what your going through and are here for you.
please take care.

sending many many tight hugs to you.

chrissie. xx
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  #8  
Old July 29th, 2013, 12:09
Whitehorse81 Whitehorse81 is offline
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Brad: Your not being selfish, your being human. We are created to share love and want to be held. You miss what you loved and made you feel whole. Give yourself more time to come to terms with your loss.

Hugs to you....

Jacquie
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  #9  
Old August 19th, 2013, 17:17
IMU1111 IMU1111 is offline
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Default Rough Day

Today has been a rough day. I went back to college for another semester and another segment of my life without my loves physical presence. I feel like I'm moving forward like I'm making progress and doing what I'm suppose to be doing but it tears me up inside walking to class without her holding my hand. Sitting in class I cannot stop thinking about her, my attention is not on my school work. It makes it so hard to stay focus on what feels irrelevant to me, I want say to everyone there is something more important we need to be focusing on and its my Alycia. But I can't do that I cannot impose those intense feelings of despair; although i do have to inform my teachers of my situation and what I'm dealing with but the distress I see on their faces from hearing it breaks my heart. I have to tell them because I had to drop 2 classes last semester to prevent failing; some days are difficult to get out of bed and be around people and they need to be made aware of my current state of being.
What really upset me today though was this morning when I was thinking about the conversations i had to have with my teachers and during this her memory made me smile so I decided to google her name to see if could find any pictures of her I hadn't seen or located yet. I found a news article i hadn't read but when I pulled it up it had a picture of her body still in the water. She was creamated and I have not see her since the moment of the accident. To see this I havn't been able to stop crying and I can't describe these unbearable emotions that have been pouring out of me since. I want her back so badly, I feel so helpless and alone. In the physical world I'm making progress but my internal world feels over, like I'm just here going through the motions but waiting to die waiting for the day when I can once again be able to embrace her forever and after.
There are really no words to describe what I think or feel anymore.
All I know is I LOVE ALL OF YOU so very much
Saludos
Brad
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  #10  
Old August 19th, 2013, 20:47
SoVerySad SoVerySad is offline
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Oh, Brad, I'm sending tight hugs to you. I can't even imagine how painful it was for you to find that picture. I'm so very sorry for all the hurt it caused.

Brad, I share your inability to concentrate. It is maddening. I homeschool our children and we will start their new semester next week. I have no idea how I will focus and I think it will be hard for them as well, having lost their amazing father.

I'm glad you are sharing your situation with your instructors and hope they will be understanding. We know they can't really know the anguish you are experiencing, but hopefully they will offer you some support.

Again, I am so sorry for all your hurt. Like you, I just want my husband back - just to spend even one day with him. I know it can't happen and wouldn't be enough, but oh how I would savor every second of it.

Sending you love and more hugs for courage, Brad. Courage to face these hard days and to find a way to rebuild your life.

Carol
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