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  #1  
Old September 14th, 2012, 16:39
Rayzsvt Rayzsvt is offline
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Default Stills hurts

My wife of 30 years was taken from me by a nasty cancer. We found out about it at the end of July of last year and she was gone seven months later. Two operations and one round of cemo did not help. Her last month was spent in hospice.
I keep going through my mind what did we do wrong or what didn't we do? She didn't smoke or drink. So why her? We were suppose to grow old together. She was my life. I shed a tear everyday for her. I kiss my ring three times every night, as I did her before we went to sleep.
Its hard even after these months. Everyone tells me to stay busy. I really try, but theres no one there to tell about my day. Our favorite songs/shows on TV I can not watch for missing her.
I find myself talking to her as if she was in the car or room.
My wife was an accountant, before she got bad she taught me how she paid the bills and had a spreadsheet and a Quicken program setup. I know that she would be proud of me for keeping it the way she had it.
I would give everything I have to have her back. It hurts.
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  #2  
Old September 14th, 2012, 17:19
gumek gumek is offline
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Default still hurts

dear rayszvt so sorry for your loss of your dear wife, please be assured that there a few friends here who have lost our loves to cancer. we have had the same questions going through our minds, the whys, the going over things, what ifs and because of this maybe we can offer a listening heart to you, one that understands.

some of us believe that our loves can hear us when we sit and quietly speak to them, she is never far from you and i reckon she is very proud of you for keeping up with the housekeeping plan. when my hubby knew that his time was short he did his best to show me how to manage things, its amazing how we learn when we have to. you mentioned kissing your ring at night ray, i do the same and i kiss giuls almost life size photo of when he was well one year before he got sick. he was a strong well biult man and ended up lokking like a different person
we also have to come to terms with the way we had to watch them suffer, some of us have discussed that side of things too, it was awful. its been 9 months now, we can't stop thinkin about them can we llove? but we will see them again one day, please hold onto that dear friend.

i wanted to offer to you a welcome to forum althouggh always so sad to do. there are some dear friends who will read your post and offer a shoulder to lean on, hold on in there, you are not alone. iwill say a prayer for you to be comforted dear ray. keep intouch.

chrissie xx
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  #3  
Old September 14th, 2012, 17:27
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Rayzsvt, welcome to the forum. You are very much amongst friends here. I am so sorry for your loss.

I haven't lost a spouse to death, but a Mom (and Dad, brother, and the rest of my family). I know a little bit about loss, about losing family to all sorts of diseases and conditions.

I doubt you did anything "wrong," or that you missed doing something you ought to have done. There is no logic to who gets cancer, or any of the other illnesses that take our loved ones too soon, and it is always too soon.

I well understand the emptiness and loneliness you face at the end of the day, with no one to share your day with. I cared for my Mom for three years of Alzheimer's disease, and our home was so very empty after my Mom died.

End of the day, when we want to share the day's happenings with someone—that's when some of us either talk or write to the one who has gone. For a while, I wrote to my Mom every night. Gradually, my need to connect with her eased, and I no longer feel the need to write Mom a letter every night, but I do still stop whatever I am doing around 8 each evening, and spend a few minutes just remembering and thinking about Mom.

Some of us here do believe our loved ones can hear us, hence the suggestion to talk or write to your wife. Nothing will take away the very deep sadness you feel, the emptiness, the loneliness, except time. In time, the awful ache of emptiness you feel will begin to lessen. Don't try to hurry the process. Take your time, let yourself feel your grief.

Thirty years is a wonderfully long time to have been married! Your grief must be enormous.

I'm sure you will have responses from others here, others who have lost a wife or husband, and who understand the special relationship of couples. What people here do well is listen, so feel free to talk. We hear you.
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  #4  
Old September 14th, 2012, 17:42
Rayzsvt Rayzsvt is offline
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Originally Posted by gumek View Post
dear rayszvt so sorry for your loss of your dear wife, please be assured that there a few friends here who have lost our loves to cancer. we have had the same questions going through our minds, the whys, the going over things, what ifs and because of this maybe we can offer a listening heart to you, one that understands.

some of us believe that our loves can hear us when we sit and quietly speak to them, she is never far from you and i reckon she is very proud of you for keeping up with the housekeeping plan. when my hubby knew that his time was short he did his best to show me how to manage things, its amazing how we learn when we have to. you mentioned kissing your ring at night ray, i do the same and i kiss giuls almost life size photo of when he was well one year before he got sick. he was a strong well biult man and ended up lokking like a different person
we also have to come to terms with the way we had to watch them suffer, some of us have discussed that side of things too, it was awful. its been 9 months now, we can't stop thinkin about them can we llove? but we will see them again one day, please hold onto that dear friend.

i wanted to offer to you a welcome to forum althouggh always so sad to do. there are some dear friends who will read your post and offer a shoulder to lean on, hold on in there, you are not alone. iwill say a prayer for you to be comforted dear ray. keep intouch.

chrissie xx
Thank You so much for understanding. Funny that you mention your husband's picture, for I too kiss Barb's photo on the wall with my hand and say "Love you babe". Again thank you
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  #5  
Old September 14th, 2012, 17:46
Rayzsvt Rayzsvt is offline
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Originally Posted by j's daughter View Post
Rayzsvt, welcome to the forum. You are very much amongst friends here. I am so sorry for your loss.

I haven't lost a spouse to death, but a Mom (and Dad, brother, and the rest of my family). I know a little bit about loss, about losing family to all sorts of diseases and conditions.

I doubt you did anything "wrong," or that you missed doing something you ought to have done. There is no logic to who gets cancer, or any of the other illnesses that take our loved ones too soon, and it is always too soon.

I well understand the emptiness and loneliness you face at the end of the day, with no one to share your day with. I cared for my Mom for three years of Alzheimer's disease, and our home was so very empty after my Mom died.

End of the day, when we want to share the day's happenings with someone—that's when some of us either talk or write to the one who has gone. For a while, I wrote to my Mom every night. Gradually, my need to connect with her eased, and I no longer feel the need to write Mom a letter every night, but I do still stop whatever I am doing around 8 each evening, and spend a few minutes just remembering and thinking about Mom.

Some of us here do believe our loved ones can hear us, hence the suggestion to talk or write to your wife. Nothing will take away the very deep sadness you feel, the emptiness, the loneliness, except time. In time, the awful ache of emptiness you feel will begin to lessen. Don't try to hurry the process. Take your time, let yourself feel your grief.

Thirty years is a wonderfully long time to have been married! Your grief must be enormous.

I'm sure you will have responses from others here, others who have lost a wife or husband, and who understand the special relationship of couples. What people here do well is listen, so feel free to talk. We hear you.
Thank you for your kind words.
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  #6  
Old September 15th, 2012, 06:04
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi rayzsvt i am so sorry for the loss of your wife to the most cruel illness after such a tremendous heatbreaking experirience we not only have to deal with our loss but also the illness itself it was all hell from the day of diagnosis we ask questions to ourselves questions that there are no logical answers to was it something they ate somewhere we went where they picked it up something we did or gave them and of course the answer is no but we can't help wondering to try and find answers (c) is a cruel and dreadful illness a change in cells just occurs in the body if anyone knew the answers there would be a cure for everyone our loved ones were just unfortunately the ones that wern't able to recover from it but we tried all we could begged for more but fought the battle hard
there was nothing after my loss i could do the same it took me 6 months to read a book again i have seen no news only read 1 paper and that was a couple of weeks ago and it's only recently i have had the telly on it's good background noise if you are on your own i think it's the concentration as well that we find hard i have lost my beloved 11 months next fri and the days have been up and down long lonely searching answers going through the different emotions that we go through in our grief there is no easy or quick way to get through it and i don't think we want a quick exit we need to give ourselves time to feel all this pain in some ways the pain is our love
your friends are telling you to keep busy everyone is different and has to cope in their own way some days you will need to be busy and others just sitting thinking of them all day you know in your own mind that you must try to pull yourself through the really bad days as you try and make some sense to life again and find some sort of normality to the life we now have i.m glad you are talking to your wife as most of us believe they hear us her love is all around you she left her love with you for safe keeping in your heart until the day you will be reunited again for eternity
time does not heal our wounds we are not sick but what time does is give us acceptance with our loss realise we can't change the past an overwhelming gratitude they were ours shared our lives and loved us for however many years they walked beside us know what we have some seek all their lives to find and never do and accept we were so blessed to have those years to return to our wonderful memories with the ability of smiling and laughing again to carry on with their love and courage in our hearts with hope for happier days
it's not the life we chose now but we owe it to them who fought so hard for life to make the most of our days to carry them with us for the rest of our lives they loved us as well they devoted their lives in giving us joy and happiness it's everything they wished for us love is neverending
we are all here for you to listen and talk whenever you need us
love hazelxx
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  #7  
Old September 15th, 2012, 07:41
gumek gumek is offline
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Default my dear friend

hello dear hazel, i have just read your lovely warm,loving and reassuring words , thank you love, i know you wrote them to help another brokenhearted friend but they have also touched my heart and soul. hazel i reckon that darren is blessed andso proud of you, i am,you a star and we all luv ya and are here for you.

as the months fast approach that first year, we count them, we live through them its like a replay isn't it. next month as it approaches , will be a difficult one for you dear friend, please be encouraged that although we are all spread far and wide, we are all here for you b.cos our turn is on its way were gonna need you haze, need eachother. and you are so right, we must remember that we had our loves for those precious years and b'cos they suffered and fought for their lives, we owe it to them to keep going forward taking one day at a time and one day we will notice that we didn't cry today, then two days pass and then we will thinkof them without that terrible ache in our hearts, we will remember the love, the laughter and the tears we shared with them and this journey that we may have been born to taKE willn't be wasted, it will be used to help and encourage other broken ones. we shall be mended and restored and be of charracter and of wisdom. life is precious, every drop of it so maybe we should tell the living that itis love that counts and that love is everlasting, when all is gone only love will be left.

i'm saying a prayer for you dear friend, i'm asking for jesus to hold you i his loving arms now, he longs to hold you and he will one day on your return home but he wants to now so please allow him to.

chrissie. xxx
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  #8  
Old September 15th, 2012, 13:53
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi chrissie sorry i missed your phone call at work i will ring you tomorrow night and thank you for your kind words we still walk hand in hand through all this you have been the most kind special and wonderful friend i could ever have wished for i could never have got this far without you love hazelxx
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  #9  
Old September 16th, 2012, 17:19
Mart Mart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayzsvt View Post
My wife of 30 years was taken from me by a nasty cancer. We found out about it at the end of July of last year and she was gone seven months later. Two operations and one round of cemo did not help. Her last month was spent in hospice.
I keep going through my mind what did we do wrong or what didn't we do? She didn't smoke or drink. So why her? We were suppose to grow old together. She was my life. I shed a tear everyday for her. I kiss my ring three times every night, as I did her before we went to sleep.
Its hard even after these months. Everyone tells me to stay busy. I really try, but theres no one there to tell about my day. Our favorite songs/shows on TV I can not watch for missing her.
I find myself talking to her as if she was in the car or room.
My wife was an accountant, before she got bad she taught me how she paid the bills and had a spreadsheet and a Quicken program setup. I know that she would be proud of me for keeping it the way she had it.
I would give everything I have to have her back. It hurts.
Hello I too lost my wife to that horrible c it's been four months and I am not coping too well , I cry everyday and visit the cemetery everyday we were together for 33 years she was my best friend and soul mate , I keep looking at the phone waiting for it to ring or just a text as you did tell her how my day was going and ask what's for dinner we would all give everything we own to get them back , I just keep working to keep busy but as soon as I stop the pain is still there , all the little things hurt so much don't they things we took for granted
I felt so helpless I was with her for every hospital visit and I gave her medicine with out fail but it wasn't enough I don't think the hurt will go
Keep well mart
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  #10  
Old September 17th, 2012, 04:08
Rayzsvt Rayzsvt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mart View Post
Hello I too lost my wife to that horrible c it's been four months and I am not coping too well , I cry everyday and visit the cemetery everyday we were together for 33 years she was my best friend and soul mate , I keep looking at the phone waiting for it to ring or just a text as you did tell her how my day was going and ask what's for dinner we would all give everything we own to get them back , I just keep working to keep busy but as soon as I stop the pain is still there , all the little things hurt so much don't they things we took for granted
I felt so helpless I was with her for every hospital visit and I gave her medicine with out fail but it wasn't enough I don't think the hurt will go
Keep well mart
Mart, Thank you for your kind words. We share the same pain my friend. I too did as you did for wife. I continue to see you her in my mind as she slipped away from me, helpless. She always had a phase in the house " If you want to know something ask the wife". So I ask her then and now what should I do? Next month we as a family will be taking her ashes to a spot she loved. This is what she asked of us before she could not speak.
It helps alittle typing my feelings out. Its just so hard to keep my emotions under control. Sad, Mad, Lonely. And no one can answer why?
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