The Light Beyond Bereavement Forum Bereavement StoreMovieBlogSympathy Ecards
Kindness in another's trouble, courage in your own...

Go Back   The Light Beyond Bereavement Forums > Loss of a loved one > Loss of a spouse or partner
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old April 4th, 2012, 07:04
Clarabelle Clarabelle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Outside Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 65
Default Not just death.....

Hi. My darling husband, Jim, died very suddenly on the 8th Dec 2011. He'd been working in Abu Dhabi for two years, after several redundancies at home in Scotland. He was quickly promoted to a very senior position in his company, and although he found the work very challenging and stressful, often to the point where I felt (and he said) it was making him ill, he loved his role and how important he was, although he hated the life there, living in a hotel and so lonely.

Consequently he became rather distant with me physically on the rare occasions when he got leave. He didn't want me to visit him there and I managed to go over twice in the two years he was there. He always insisted that he hated living there so much that he wanted only to come home when he had leave. I always assured him that I wouldn't interfere with his leave and that I loved him so much that I just wanted to spend as much time during my long school hols as I could with him. He said, in return, that it really wasn't a problem and if I really wanted, I could visit. Which made me feel less than welcome......the last time I went over, last October, I noticed that his apartment was totally missing anything personal- no photos, nothing to show who lived there or where he came from. I thought it was very strange but didn't want to say anything.

We were married for 25 years last July. There was a mix-up with his passport and he couldn't get away. This, I know, is true. One of his friends told me that Jim was very upset over that.

We spoke every night on the phone and emailed all the time. He was always very loving on the phone and emails and I kept all of them, much as you would love-letters. He told me frequently how much he loved and missed me but that he couldn't consider coming home to be dependent on me as it would be even more difficult for him to find a job at 62.

Then, on 8 Dec, he died. He'd sent me an email earlier to say that he was feeling rotten and was going to bed, which I read after I'd phoned him at 8.30pm his time, at which time he sounded terrible with a really bad chest infection. Our last words to each other were, as every night, "I love you." He died at 2am.

We got him home and had a funeral to celebrate his life and tell him how much our son (22) and I loved him.

Two months later, my son and I decided that we should go to Abu Dhabi to sort out Jim's bank affairs and for James to see where his dad lived and died.

It was the first morning, when we visited his hotel, that the manager told us that Jim was not alone at 2am that morning. He had a "visitor," a Chinese woman. It was a bombshell. It turns out that all of Jim's workmates were aware of, had met "Amy" on odd occasions, although none were close to him or knew the nature of the relationship. She seems to have been known to him for nearly the whole time he was out there.

The coroner's report states that he was dressed when he died.

I am devastated. I went to Abu Dhabi mourning the death of my husband, the centre of my whole life. I am now left wondering if I'm mourning the end of my marriage, of which Jim didn't feel the need to tell me.....

I can't get past the fact that she was there, for whatever reason, at 2am when he was so ill six hours previously that he was going to bed. The hotel manager didn't know her, said either it was the first time he'd seen her or he had only seen her one other time- his English was not too clear and James and I weren't sure.

I am totally destroyed by this. I loved and trusted him totally. I've put away all of his photographs. I can't face going back to work and I just start crying without any warning. I am seeing a counsellor but I can't find the answers to what I really need to know.......
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old April 4th, 2012, 08:10
hazel hazel is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: northampton
Posts: 34
Default

hi clarabelle so sorry for you loss of jim i was so sad to read your story you are not only grieving for your husband but also beating yourself up over the thoughts of what may never had been with another woman. of course jim loved you in this loneliness at having to work abroad he may have been suffering depression and not realised it he obviously didn't want to be there but must have felt it was the only way to earn a living.he may have reached out to someone for support as a friend that doesn't mean he didn't love you it may have helped him in dealing with this life he felt he had to do abroad but ultimately he was their for you and your son alone doing a stressful job not for himself and that is love.try not to have these thoughts you are speculating and it will overshadow the love and all your wonderful memories you must have had over the years i pray you find peace in rememberingl the love you shared hazel
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old April 4th, 2012, 09:32
Clarabelle Clarabelle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Outside Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 65
Default Not just death.....

Hazel, Thank you so much for your words of comfort. The same thing has been said to me before but I just feel that we didn't have the agreement within our marriage to make "friends" with other people- I know that Jim would have been equally devastated had I done this. I've been desperately lonely too and had to have time off work in September with the stress of worrying about Jim's life- I even thought that he might be considering suicide at one point. It's just the not knowing the nature of this relationship, although deep inside I know that he definitely didn't betray our marriage.

Thank you for taking the time to post to me. I realise that you will have also suffered a loss and I am sorry for your loss.

Clare x
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old April 4th, 2012, 10:06
hazel hazel is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: northampton
Posts: 34
Default

hi clare the first thing most of us do when we have lost someone is to beat ourselves up over something even if there is nothing we will find something to do this and you have latched onto this and you are probably building it up in your mind until it is a million times more a problem than what it ever was.not knowing an answer creates our imagination to take over and create all sorts of scenarios that never were.men don't talk of feelings very much do they and you feel he may have contemplated suicide IF he had ever reached that low he knew you loved him and your love would have helped him overcome it he may have talked with this other woman as sometimes it's easy to talk to someone who is not involved in your life and that alone may have helped him.i think you feel anger and are depressed you were not with him at his parting you were not able to you weren't to know what was going to happen.
perhaps you may try to lose the negative thoughts and as you loved him try to be grateful that at least someone whoever she was looked in on him in his illness just to see if he was alright hazel
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old April 4th, 2012, 10:48
Clarabelle Clarabelle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Outside Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 65
Default

Hi Hazel. Do you know, you sound just like the little voice inside me that's been saying these very things. I'm sure that you can imagine, it's hard to imagine someone that you love totally having a friendship about which you have no idea. But Jim was always described as "private." We used to agree that we told each other everything at the beginning of our relationship, nearly 30 years ago. I didn't realise it had changed- he still told me so many things. It's hard to imagine him having anything to talk about with someone who apparently didn't even speak very good English. Jim always used to get frustrated with me and say that I took the wrong meaning too quickly. I'm aware that this could be the case here. You've given me some comfort today. Thank you so much.

I read your post too. I know that you're suffering too. My thoughts are with you too.

Love, Clare x
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old April 4th, 2012, 11:10
hazel hazel is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: northampton
Posts: 34
Default

hi clare your relationship didn't change it's just when your down and depressed you don't want to upset the ones you love and have them worry about you so you keep it to yourself and when you don't talk about it it gets worse thats why men can sometimes talk to people not involved.if a man is a faithful person it's the way they are and they don't just suddenly change they love one person and their lives revolve around the relationship.you know what sort of man jim was keep faith with that give him the respect of all the years he has loved you and worked hard under difficult circumstances to show this.years and years of the ups and downs of life all the love cannot be erased by this short time of doubt you owe his memory more than that he obviously loved you very much.
thank you for your words in my own struggle we both know what the depths of despair is like may we both overcome hazel
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old April 4th, 2012, 11:16
Clarabelle Clarabelle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Outside Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 65
Default

Hazel. Thank you. You don't know what you've done for me today. I'm going to think very hard about your wise advice, which seems to make such sense. I hope we both find peace.

Clare x
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old April 4th, 2012, 14:17
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534
Default

Shalom in Yeshua Clare, first can I say that I am truly sorry for the death of your husband and I can see the distress that has resulted from your suspicions. Hazel has said some of what I wanted to say and I am glad that your have found comfort what she has told you.

What I would like you to do is focus on the loving life you both shared before Jim went to Abu Dhabi. Until you discover all the facts and who this woman is, try not to think the worst. It will only bring further doubt to your whole marriage.

I would also like you to think about your son James. Like you he must be confused and wondering about his dad. I can totally understand your feelings, but by putting all of Jim's photos away you have in effect told your son that his dad was guilty of something. This may tarnish his dads memory and also add to his grief.

At the end of the day Jim may have always been the Jim you knew and loved. Until you discover otherwise cling to those memories and thoughts. I will keep you and James in my prayers and pray that you find peace.

May God bless you
Tom
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old April 5th, 2012, 03:41
Clarabelle Clarabelle is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Outside Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 65
Default

Shalom in Jeshua, Tom. I have seen you post so often and I admire your wisdom and compassion in taking so much time to help other people. I am truly sorry for your loss too. Your wife was a very lucky woman.

I do realise that I am being somewhat selfish in my grief and that I should be thinking of James too. He's been so great but he has warned me to remember that it's his dad he's mourning and I've agreed that I should be more careful in what I say about Jim.

I'm adamant in my mind that Jim would not have totally betrayed me- it's just the rejection that I felt every time we saw each other and I wonder now was it due to her- he asked me to come to India a year ago yesterday to celebrate our 25th Anniversary and then told me the first night that he had another life of which we weren't a part and then proceeded to go into the office from where he was working every day, leaving me alone and so confused. He was so stressed in that job and I could see that. He looked like an old man and I was shocked when I saw him. he'd always been so full of life..... But we had some nice evenings together so it wasn't totally bad. We could still always make each other laugh...

The trouble is, I have no way of ever speaking to this woman. We went to the police in Abu Dhabi because a gold chain that Jim wore and which I'd bought him for an anniversary a long time ago was taken from his body. The police assured me that "Amy"- whose name was actually something completely different- couldn't have taken it (but blamed, "possibly", a cleaner in the hospital.) He said they'd tried to contact her but she'd left the country....

It sounds like a really horrible script for a film- we are just ordinary people. I don't understand how it could all have turned out such a seedy end. I loved Jim as much as it's possible to love another person- I even, I think, put up with a lot of things over the years that not everyone would have done, but yes, I have to think about the good years and the love we had for each other because that's all I've got to hold on to now.

So Tom, thank you for your advice and I know that's what makes sense now. James experienced a lot of ups and downs with his dad too and his guilt now is that he didn't speak to Jim often enough in the last two years. I'm reassuring him that his dad loved him as much as ever anyway and was proud of him. I'm afraid that I'm starting to worry that I'm "spoiling" him the same way I did with Jim and that I need to be firmer with him and encourage him to find a happy future.

God bless you too, Tom.
Clare x
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old April 5th, 2012, 05:58
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534
Default

Shalom in Yeshua Clare, thank you so much for your response. I want to assure you that you and James will be in my prayers this evening. Be kind to each other and understand each others emotional mood swings, and allow for these. You are both grieving.

Reading what you have said it appears that Jim was in such turmoil, probably trying to do the right thing without hurting anyone. Even himself. You must trust in your own instincts. I have advised many here in this forum that our loved ones can hear us while they are in Sheol. May I suggest that you sit quietly one evening and then talk to Jim as if he was sitting with you. Tell him what this situation is making you feel like. Tell him everything, your fears and your concerns.

Then when you have finished tell him that you forgive him for having this double life, whatever it was, and then focus as you have just on the happy times you shared together. Then try to put events in Abu Dhabi in the back of your mind and try not to remember them again. You can do this and it will help you heal.

Finally don't worry I am not sure you are spoiling your son. I don't think you can 'over-love' someone. Children of what ever age are a work in progress. They thrive on love and then love them some more. Tell him how much you love him. Keep re-assuring him. There is a difference in being soft with him, but I am sure your know what is right for him and don't need me to advise you. I wish you both peace.

All things are in His loving hands
May God bless you
Tom
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:22.


Copyright 2017 The Light Beyond. Visit the main site at www.thelightbeyond.com