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  #1  
Old February 19th, 2012, 17:58
dawn21 dawn21 is offline
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Default drowning in my grief

my fiance died of a heart attack dec 09 2011 we had been together 10 years and engaged for 9. We both had been hurt and left by previous partners and both had two girls each it was complicated and sadly we didnt live together i think he was frightened it would pull us apart he had built alot of walls due to hurt from his past. I worked for him both at his home and sometimes his business which has now been taken over by his daughters and run by a manager who has chosen to make me redundant.Im in turmoil I feel like ive lost everything ,my precious man who i loved so very much,he was my rock and my best friend and now my job.I feel let down by his family as they said they wouldnt leave me in the lurch but then allowed me to be made redundant when im still distraught over losing dave and i feel guilty for feeling that about them as we have always got on.I feel lost because his house was where my memories are I was with him for 10 years but have no rights at all ,arrangements have been out of my hands and i felt guilty asking for pictures and small things id brougt for him as im not a pushy person. I feel so empty inside i miss him so much the ache inside is unbearable.I miss his arms around me,his smell , his funny habbits and even his grumpy moods. I plead with God to bring him back he was only 50. Fate brought us together on a blind date two people who had experienced hurt and then found happiness I cant understand why when we are both good people. When will this pain go away i cant bare it
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  #2  
Old February 20th, 2012, 06:33
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Dawn21, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of Dave, and the subsequent turmoil that has followed. Know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted.

Have you told Dave's daughters how you feel? It maybe that the new manager has told them something that suits his purposes. If you have already done this and they are cutting you off, then its their loss!! Remember your relationship was with Dave not his daughters, and while their attitude is hurtful it is something you can get over in time.

The one thing they, or anyone else for that matter will never be able to do, is take from you your memories and the love you and Dave shared. This will always be within your heart. Try to focus on him and the special times you had together. These are the important things to cherish.

My brothers and sisters have always been taught that when we go into Sheol we can still hear our loved ones. He will be able to hear you so talk to him. I have advised many to spend a few moments each day talking with their loved ones while holding something that was special to them. It does help.

Then I would suggest that you talk to your own daughters, if they are old enough to support you, or your parents or other close family and friends who care about you. Seek comfort in their love. If you have no one you can do this with then come and do it here. We all care and want to help you through this.

It has only been a few months and you have had a lot to contend with. Please be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes.

May God bless you
Tom
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  #3  
Old February 20th, 2012, 11:19
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Default dawn21

Welcome Dawn21


Reading your post my heart goes out to you.. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss... Let me say you have made a wise choice to come here to this forum..

There are many of us here that have been in your position and you will find this is a safe place to... vent .. rant.. read.. write and talk.. You will never be judged here..

Talking is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

I know everything is still very raw for you and your heart is shattered with the loss of your beloved fiance.. Believe me the best thing you can do for yourself is try to go easy on yourself... The grief process is brutal and different for everyone but it does share some common traits unfortunately that everyone here has endured.. Whenever we lose someone who is in our heart we fall into our pain and suffering.. It feels like the pain will never end...

Please you have to believe me when I say that things will settle down in a while.. Right now the Pain of your loss has amplified everything and it feels like your being torn apart.. But over the next while things will slow down..

What helps in the process is your mind set.. I have written a few articles here on the forum on coping with grief.. Please if you feel up to it .. please take a look.. it might help you ease the pain a little..

As I said before Dawn21 you have made a wise choice to come here.. This is a place of Kindred spirits and will help you start your journey through this process of grief...

and again I very sorry to hear of your loss..

I wish you peace in your pain, suffering and anguish.. & clarity of thought in the Morass.

Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #4  
Old February 20th, 2012, 17:59
dawn21 dawn21 is offline
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Thankyou for your kind replies it helps to know that what i am feeling is normal I read the articles and your personal loss touched me very much and helped me to realize that this terrible painful time in my life is a personal journey with ups and downs and although it seems very uphill at the moment,eventually it will be less steep.
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  #5  
Old February 21st, 2012, 07:54
hamilton hamilton is offline
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I'm so sorry for your terrible loss - yes your feelings are all quite normal. Let yourself feel whatever you feel and not worry about if this is what you "should" feel. It's different for everyone.
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  #6  
Old February 23rd, 2012, 00:57
johnswife17 johnswife17 is offline
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Welcome Dawn21. The love of my life was called Home at the young age of 56. We were married for 17 years and the loss of this wonderful man of mine has taken a tremendous toll on my sanity and my physical being. I understand your thoughts of him and remember his touch, his good and bad moods. I have alot of guilt and wish I could go back and be a better listener and not always have the last say. He had pancreatic cancer and we only had 3 short weeks together after we received the news of his illness. It has been almost four years, but the pain is as raw as it was then. I'm not going to lie and say it gets better, it changes. Everyone has their own experience of grief, as each relationship is unique. What keeps me going is that I have to be here for our son, who is now a young adult. The milestones are terribly hard, like when our son learned to drive and got his drivers license. It was something I thought we would experience together physically. You are at a wonderful place here, those of us who walk in your shoes truly care and understand. Please feel free to send me a message if you'd like to talk anytime. Just remember that he is with you always. Talk to him often and know that he hears you. Love is eternal and never leaves you. Take care of yourself and return often. I am SO sorry for your loss.
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  #7  
Old February 23rd, 2012, 22:58
hamilton hamilton is offline
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jw, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Pancreatic is one of the worst, given how aggressive and quick it is. 4 years is an awfully long time for it to still be "raw" as you mentioned - by now it should have gotten "better," ie not so raw as initially. I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but may I respectfully suggest you consider some kind of counseling - I did and it has helped me a great deal (and really, what do you have to lose?). I wish you the best regardless and hope you can find some kind of solace in him being with you in whatever way he is, even though it's not a direct, physical way now. Peace to you.
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  #8  
Old February 24th, 2012, 05:59
dawn21 dawn21 is offline
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thankyou for your message I felt so sad for you to hear about your husband, its hard to explain to anyone just how empty it makes you feel when you lose the love of your life.I know what you mean when you say your son keeps you going I feel the same about my daughters however no one can replace the love of a partner its a different kind of love and its a very lonely path to walk. Guilt about things we did or didnt do is a common occurence I think as I am trying to deal with a multitude of feelings but im sure that you was a good wifeand being together for so long proves that.Im actually waiting for counselling at the moment as I think these people can help you see things in a different light. Its a terrible ordeal to go through its huge but I do hope that life improves for everyone who is in our position.Take care of yoursef
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  #9  
Old February 25th, 2012, 10:10
Marjatta Marjatta is offline
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Hi Dawn,

My heart aches for you in your loss of your soul mate and best friend, Dave.

It may feel as if the rug has been pulled out from beneath your feet on so many fronts right now that it's even difficult to grieve properly because there are so many other concerns you have to deal with. I know how unfair that is and how cruel the entire world can seem at times. Not only have you lost your best friend, but you've also lost your job and perhaps have been even made to feel as if you have no "rights" to any of the possessions you brought into your life together ... as if you're the "outsider," even though you were the closest person on earth to him.

I lost Shaun (also 50) in November 2011. He was my soul mate. I had to move out of his home and start over, not only without him, but without anything familiar and secure to me. You are definitely struggling with more than one challenging loss here.

Trust me, your beloved Dave is with you right now. Let him give you strength. Please be comforted by the truth of your relationship and how happy you made his remaining years on this planet. You deserve a great big hug, not the cold shoulder you've been given by his family. Then again, people can act very odd during times of stress and grief, so this may pass. But all that truly matters is the truth of your relationship with him. You know in your heart of hearts what you meant to him and what he meant to you.

May peace and comfort find you,

Marjatta
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"Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there." ~ Author Unknown
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  #10  
Old February 28th, 2012, 03:52
dawn21 dawn21 is offline
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hi marjetta
thankyou for your comforting words,you must be struggling too with the sad loss of your soulmate shaun and having to move out of the home.It struck a chord with me when you said it was hard not being surrounded by familiar things, I think it makes the grieving harder.I feel cheated out of time to grieve properly for my precious Dave because of my financial situation and I think that is why Im struggling.His girls will text me to say how am I and then do things like ask their grandma to ask me for his house keys even though up until recently I had been going to Daves house when they wanted someone to pop in to check on Daves dogs I dont know if Im over reacting because of my pain but their actions over the redundancy and this appear thoughtless at the moment and I do feel like a complete outsider. Sorry for venting my frustration I really hope that you are as ok as you can be at this time my thoughts are with you
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