"Widow Brain" A must read for the recently Widowed

[hazelharris]

hi hamilton thanks for the reminder
hope all our dear friends in america have a wonderful celebration today
love hazel and all of us in the uk canada and round the world xx

[annamarie]

My first visit and someone writes about what is going on with me! I was in a fog for a few months now I'm starting to have battle with my mind and heart. I lost my love in May and thought I was preparing myself - well, how wrong I was. Other losses in my life have no where come close to the loss of my Love of forty years. I am confused and almost afraid to start thinking about reality. So here I am. Looking for support from those who have been or are going down this path.

[cal821]

Annamarie..

You have made a small step of many in working towards helping yourself by coming here. This is a place of Kindred Spirits .. where you can read.. write.. rant.. rave.. and never be judged for it.. First off I want to extend my deepest condolences in the loss of your loved one... Loss is something we all share here.. please find comfort you are not alone here.. and there are many of us here that are at different stages in the grief/mourning process..

Talking or writing about what is happening in your life...and the pain and sorrow you are feeling will help you by giving you a cathartic release little by little it helps to open the channels in your pain and sorrow and helps you heal.. To be able to speak with those who have walked a similar path is something that also helps in moving down the path to ultimately working towards.. understanding of your loss.


Please feel free to stop in an let us know how your doing.. There is always someone here on line 24/7 and usually posts are responded to rather quickly..


I wish you peace when the pain and sorrow are raging in your heart... and clarity of thought in the insanity of this process of grief/mourning that we all face..

Cal821

[hazelharris]

hi annamarie i am so sorry for the loss of your loved one after 40 years you can hardly remember a life before you met it must be so heartbreaking for you there are many of us on here that have lost our dearest loved ones and here to support you through these terrible times the grief will manifest itself in many different ways each day a different emotion and each day hard to bear as we miss them so much you say you were preparing yourself for the loss so i expect he was seriously ill for some time illness in itself with all we go through is difficult to deal with as well we remember all the hell we went through with them nothing though prepares us for losing them as we all live in hope and pray the day never comes if you need to chat to us on here you will get all the support as we know your pain we offer you our friendship and comfort you are not alone
love hazelxx

[gumek]

hello annemarie, welcome, so sorry for your loss of your dear husband. you have come to a good place, you will find support and kindness here fro friends who are on that sad path of bereVEment, your not alone . and also we have had those (what is going on moments) or widows brain. i think we all get to the point in this grief when we have to take stock of our future lives, and thats so scarry its it? there have been moments when i have almost freaked out at this thought, i have found this very difficult, but can i just say annemarie, don't let anyone tell you how you're should be doing this transition, they will come out of the woodwork and the best thing is to tell these bullies to back off, they don't have a clue of how hard and painful this is for us to do, the strength willl come, you will get there, we all will, when ready.

40 years is a long time annemarie to be with your love, it will take a while to adjust, giuls my hubby and i were together 37 years, 34 of them wed and i can honestly say that nothing can prepare us for losing them, hazel and i both lost our loves to cancer and wached them suffer, we all have to deal with that too, we will all come through this dark valley of tears, we will find a way, we al will have joy again, one of these days. happy to meet you annemarrie,please keep in touch, take care, may god give you his comfort and peace.

love chrissie. xxx

[benzo]

Thank you Cal. This helped me a lot. I lost my husband a month ago on September 13th, and I thought I am going crazy. almost all you said happened to me. Thank you!

Originally Posted by cal821

I want to bring up in discussion a problem we widows/widowers face in the begining after our loss of our dear spouse... it is called "Widows Brain"

Widow’s brain” is a real thing. A living, breathing, thing. It affects all people who experience such a traumatic loss. It beats you down and leaves you helpless and confused during a time that leaves very little room for such things.


Several articles I had read define widow’s brain as “ side effect of grief caused by your brain trying to protect you from the pain. Unfortunately, it causes you to pretty much forget everything....

It is why we suddenly stop speaking mid-sentence-we can’t remember what we were talking about/saying. . . it is why we quizzically stare around a room-we have no clue what it is we came in the room for and often times don’t remember how we got there in the first place. . . basically, it’s grief-induced amnesia.”....

I’d say that’s pretty accurate. It’s the inability to make even the simplest of decisions; to remember a thought even from just 30 seconds ago. In the beginning I can’t tell you how many times I had walked into a room unable to remember why I went in there.


How many times I had opened my mouth to say something only to have absolutely no idea what it was I wanted to say. I had even walked away from my car in a parking lot while it was still running. Twice.

As if grief and loss wasn’t bad enough, “widow’s brain” leaves you feeling like you have almost no control over the pieces of your life that remain. " I used to be so organized.... So ready.... So on top of everything..... Is probably a common train of thought for all of us when this happens..

And probably the worst thing about “widow’s brain” – it prevents you from being able to recall your memories. Even the one’s you want to remember. I couldn't even tell you how many times I ended up in tears in the beginning because I couldn't remember what my wife used to call something, or what her reaction to a situation had been.

There were so many details about our life together that I simply could not remember, no matter how hard I try. And that sucked. Losing your spouse is difficult enough; why take away the widow’s ability to recall facets of their life together as well? It’s almost like the things that made “us”, “us”, are gone now too.


Have you ever felt like this or had this happen?

*** You stop mid sentence when you're talking to someone because:

1. you get side tracked by something such as:
a. background noise/happenings
b. your own thoughts
c. scattered emotions and feelings
d. all of the above, all at once

2. you completely forget what you were saying

3. you completely forget your entire point

4. you, even sometimes, forget what the conversation is even about.
And it's worse than just your normal "oh shoot I forgot what I was saying." Much worse...

You misplace pretty much every single thing you have at some point....
Again... this isn't your ordinary "I can't find what I'm looking for" situation. This is probably the number one thing that botheed me the most. I literally felt like I was losing my mind. I had misplaced my keys several times, I had 'lost (or misplaced, I don't know yet)' at my first checks, I misplaced my camera, that paper I was JUST looking at.... And the list goes ON AND ON AND ON!


And it's not JUST misplacing my things. Oh how I wished it was JUST misplacing a few things here and there.. No, it's misplacing them and then finding them in the most random and strange places.... Those kind of places that you go, "when did I even open that cabinet up?" "At some point in the future you will laugh at this about yourself believe me!!"

And what's worse? I had seriously horrible memory gaps. Again, like amnesia. Sometimes I could remember point A to point B... but point B to point C??.........
Don't even try to ask me what I was doing, where I was at, where that glass of water that I just had in my hand two seconds ago went.... Talking about my very first misplaced check - I honestly do not know what happened from the time I left the house to the time I arrived at my own home. can't recall a bit of it. Who knows the place that I went right after I got home. Who knows where I set down that check. Did I have it in my hand while walking home? Was it in my pocket? My wallet? My Jacket? I don't know.


I would sometimes walk into a room, or specifically the kitchen, look around and wonder why the heck I was there. In the kitchen example... I will be standing with the frige open... and then it's like I'd snap out of a 'dream-like-state' and wonder HOW the heck my feet just carried me from my position on the couch to the open refrigerator door. . It's like I was in a daze when it happens.

These things are VERY common that widows/ers do in the beginning ... and people who are grieving in general do. We glide through life... just try to sustain. It's often times a fog going day by day and sometimes in the beginning I didn't remember half of the things I did the previous day.


Hopefully this will help you who are suffering from " Widow's Brain " and understand this is a common theme for us.. But it will pass in time so don't be alarmed..........


I wish you hope & peace


Cal821

[cal821]

Bump to the top for those new to the forum to read..


I wish you peace

Cal821

[HannahD]

Thanks for the posting Cal. I know I have been experiencing this since the passing of my husband. I find myself doing just what you spoke of… not knowing what I said or was doing 30 seconds before.

To Annamarie

I am sorry for your loss. You will find comfort here. Many are very helpful and will understand your pain.

Warmly,
Hannah

[GinaA]

Your post about the widow brain is so accurate for newly bereaved but I also think it can go on much longer than that. They say never to make major decisions the first year after a loss. I don't recall even living the first year. I went through the motion but have very little recollection of how I did all that I did.

It went a longer period of time for me. I even went to the doctor to see if it was adult attention deficit order. Lol. They prescribes me something and sent me on my way. I wasn't looking for a medication fix so I dove deeper in my own grief that I didn't work through the past three years. My focus was my children and never me and I had to realize this the hard way. I still feel like mush and know I have to work hard to keep taking one step forward and write everything down.

My best to all of you!
Gina

[hazelharris]

i'm just wondering if the brain ever functions again like before it took me over half an hour of searching this morning to find out where i parked my car