"Widow Brain" A must read for the recently Widowed

[cal821]

Originally Posted by whitedove

Hi Cal821
Yeah I do this all the time I have left stuff in the car at the shops had to go back to get it. Even gone to the shops to forget what on earth am I getting here cant remember. Driven my car round and round a roundabout forgetting where i am supposed to be going, even driving the car with people in it and ending up some place else even the kids have said to me where we going with me saying I cant remember you tell me. Its scary at times, I have even put things in the wrong place clothes in the dishwasher and the dishes in the washing machine turned them all on walked away later on wondering what the hell is that noise only to check it all out looking to make sure no one else is around and crying then laughing and then swearing at myself for being so stupid. Yes the brain does not cope well with grief and either does our heart or soul my is broken beyond repair I feel. You see I had to end my husbands life with morphine I know he was in pain but in the end I did it every day I live with that vision it is hard road to recovery as a carer even life after. No one is there we struggle on our own pick ourself up push ourselves to the limit pretend every thing is ok. But our hearts are broken I at times find it difficult to breath wonder why Im even here. When is this ever going to end this sorrow when will i ever be happy again this is the brain doing overtime when we dont want it to.

Whitedove Iam very sorry you are suffering with so much pain.. I also am very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband..

I have a question.. Please don't take offence to it.. Is counselling available or affordable for you? Why I ask this from reading your posts.. My heart goes out to you.. to be in the position you were with your husband's pain and suffering in his final hours.. That combined with the guilt, frustration,never ending grief it must be horrible for you... I think from what I have been reading it sounds like this is not just a normal case of grief and it is alot more complex and runs even deeper... This is not saying any form of grief is not strong or harsh.. But it sounds like you are also showing signs of alot more complex or compound grief... and speaking with a professional if you haven't already might help you.. Therapy in any form whether it be talking.. writing.. counselling... is extremely benifical and would help with your pain and sorrow..


I advise this very carefully due to the backlash from a lot of people who think therapy is just "Bunk"... But I'm a firm believer if there is an option available you can always exercise the choice of using it to help yourself.. I just hate to see anyone continue to suffer... and I know first hand how horrible Survivor guilt is and can directly relate to your pain..


I hope I haven't offended you with my questions...


Take care


Cal821

[sdk]

hello whitedove,

i know exactly how you feel. I turned off my husbands life support after he had a major stroke and complications. He was in the ICU for 2 months, had gotten better and then took a turn for the worse. Our minds after being caregivers for so long when our loved ones were so sick, our minds seem to always go back to that place no matter how we try. I go for therapy and the therapist always tells me to try to think about all the good times. Every time i try all the weeks in the hposital, the pain, the tubes, the medication just can creep into my head and the tears start to flow. It could be in the house, at work in the car or a store.
This forum has been a life saver for me. Everyone can understand and once a while we even get to laugh.

Keep reading, it really helps and keep talking to us.

Hugs,
Sheryl

[hazelharris]

hi dave i hate the word widow
in canada you may have not heard the story our primeminister david cameron took his family to the pub the other day when they returned home they found they had forgotten their 8 year old daughter they left her behind
so couldn't we call it cameron brain instead
i suppose not as people in the future may not remember
love hazelxx

[hazelharris]

hi sheryl and whitedove we were just talking about all this yesterday when our loved ones come to mind usually as soon as we wake up in the morning it,s the illness that comes first as it,s the most terrifying experience of our lives gradually in the future i hope we will have the good memories come first they are the special things we need to cling on to i know darren wouldn,t want me to think of him this way remembering the illness your councellor is right we have to train our minds when the bad thoughts are there to think of the life before and it will make us smile againl
whitedove what i found so sad in your thread was your feeling of killing your husband with morphine it never entered my head as we had to give darren this for a year you didn't kill your husband with morphine what you killed was the pain
it's more an act of love as without morphine our loved ones would have been screaming in pain no one wants to give this as it scrambles the brain but think if this drug wasn't available or costs £1000 a shot you would have sold your house and possesions to free him from pain
in your love for him you found the strength to do what had to be done not easy i know it,s probably all part of this illogical thinking with our widows brain blaming ourselves for things in such heartbreaking circumstances
it's the same as turning off the machine sheryl an act of extreme love to know our loved one has already gone to a better place release them and say ggodbye
when we are in such pain ourselves we put our own feelings aside to be with them always in their need with our comfort and love we do our best
love never shows itself more
hope your days get easier know you are in my thoughts love hazelxx

[cal821]

Originally Posted by hazelharris

hi dave i hate the word widow
in canada you may have not heard the story our primeminister david cameron took his family to the pub the other day when they returned home they found they had forgotten their 8 year old daughter they left her behind
so couldn't we call it cameron brain instead
i suppose not as people in the future may not remember
love hazelxx

Hazel we can call the absentmindedness anything you wish.. Yes widow/er has a harsh Connotation to it doesn't it...

How about Broken Soul we are broken souls.. What do you think?

Cal 821 ( Dave )

[Oonagh]

Hello Whitedove,

I know how you mean regarding the morphine, as I too had to give it to my husband when he was dying. After a few days of wondering why Drew was totally on another planet, bless him, it turned out that I had been giving him way too much morphine along with his other medication, of which there was loads! I felt so guilty and never told anyone about it, just got on with giving him the correct amount, but we carers were under so much stress and totally exhausted, along with heart-broken at watching our loved ones go through such a horrible experience, that it's not in the least surprising. I still felt guilty about it after my husband passed away but I know I did my best for him and I'm certain he knew it too. Yours will understand that you did your very best for him too, so please, try not to blame yourself too much. Guilt only makes our situation worse and we've all had enough to cope with without making it any worse for ourselves. I'm seeing a counsellor and she's very good and helps me enormously, so I can highly recommend it if you think it might be what you need.

God bless, and sending hugs to you, Gail .

[hazelharris]

hi dave broken souls is a much better term than the word widow we should use that now
sorry gail i thought your name was oonagh i remember the pharmasist giving us the morphine at the start of darrens illness and gave us it to administer at 100mg instead of 10mg and if darren hadn't have noticed before taking it it would have killed him another one for the list of incompitence love hazel

[sdk]

Hi to my dear friends,

I also like the name broken hearted. that is exactly the feeling. Reading all these posts I can just picture all of us going through the same feelings, emotions, guilt and utter sadness watching our loved ones in pain, thinking how we wish we could take them pain from them. I know that every night when I am talking to Jim I tell him that if he had lived I would have taken care of him no matter what. I would have fed him, bathed him did what ever I needed to 24/7. At the same time I knew he would not have wanted to be in a wheelchair and have someone taking care of his every need. At times I think I don't care as long as I could still touch him and kiss him. As the tears fall on the computer I know we probably all feel the same.

well, good night my dear friends. hope tommorrow will be a better day

love and hugs

Sheryl

[hazelharris]

the widows brain was at it again today i have a fluffy white coat i wash it and just give it a shake before i wear it today i went to the cash and carry wearing my coat a friend of mine who works there shouted over to me why have you got two pegs on your shoulders hazel yes i still had the pegs from the washing line on my coat
then i went to work had balloons to do blew up 40 for barclaycard then realised i was looking at the wrong date in the diary and i had already done these a month ago
released them with all our names on them didn't leave anyone out even had gails dad and scotts dad down as i don't know there names
love from widows brainxx

[hamilton]

I've had all these things but long before I ever lost anyone and haven't noticed it's changed much. Guess I had enough already. Best to you all, have a good 4th