I have not had a miscarriage .... however a friend posted something on FB a few days back that gave me an insight. It all started when a British comedian commented on how brave he thought Gary Barlow [a British singer] was when he performed in the closing ceremony of the Olympics only a week after his wife delivered a still born baby girl. He writes from his own experience as a man who lost a baby to a miscarriage but from the view point of a man, like Gary Barlow, whose child was still born.
I will warn you it's a little long and in places has cuss words [he's a comedian after all] but it's very well written. It starts off with his responses to some "utterly horrendous" comments he found on his FB page but ends with such an insight into a loss of baby that dies in it's mother womb I had goosebumps and a numb feeling.
The Gary Barlow tragedy and internet idiots.
by Jason Manford on Monday, 13 August 2012 at 11:55 ·
Now you know me, I like a laugh. And I do enjoy having a laugh with you lot on here, some of you are witty, some genuinely bonkers, a few of you are dead funny and most of you are respectful, thoughtful human beings and I am honoured that you have liked my page and my work over the years.
Some of you are utterly horrendous. I mean genuinely thick as ****, heartless wastes of oxygen who I am ashamed have liked my page and my work.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of banter, I can take a joke, I can take an insult, sometimes people go too far, sometimes people get a bit personal but over the years I’ve dished it out and there is very little that anyone can say to me on here that has genuinely hurt me or upset me. Don’t forget I have been performing on stage for well over a decade, I've played some of the roughest, toughest scariest clubs in the world, from the middle eaast to East Croydon. I’ve been heckled and had nasty things shouted out by worse people than you, I’ve had things thrown at me, I've had people come on stage and try to attack me, I’ve even had people waiting in the car park at the end of the gig to give me a bit of one on one 'advice', so I think I can handle a few words written down on a Facebook page in the middle of the night by someone who wouldn’t dare say it to my face.
And you know what, sometimes I court it. I occasionally come on here, bored, not able to sleep and deliberately put something on that I know will spark a discussion, will get the trolls from under their little bridge or get people writing emotive things in the spur of the moment. I like it. I think it is when social media is at it’s best.
But tonight I was saddened, not for me, I’m not arsed, like I said, ‘do your worst’ (I’ll just delete it and pretend it never happened-the ultimate heckle put down).
But during the Olympic closing ceremony I posted this:
“Fair play Gary Barlow. What a superstar. Don't think I could perform after
such a tragedy, amazing.”
I was referring, of course, to the Barlow family’s recent tragedy, their stillborn baby girl, Poppy who was born and died last weekend.
I’m not a Take That fan, I mean I like them, but I don’t own any of their music but I really like Gary Barlow, I’ve never met him (he sent me an email once asking if I could do a charity thing for him) but he seems like a thoroughly lovely chap.
Now after I posted this comment, I just got on with my night, sorting out my own family and half watching the rest of the ceremony. Then I came back, as I always do, and checked the comments. At the time of writing this blog the comments had 10,936 ‘likes’, had been viewed by 101,000 people and had 334 comments. Most of these comments are in agreement but some, oh man, some will make you wince.
Now I’m not talking about people doing jokes, I get that, i don’t like it, it’s not my kind of humour but I get it. Something horrible happens and the gags fly round before the bodies are even cold; 9/11, Madeline McCann, I’m sure even this latest little girl Tia Sharp has more jokes said about her than sympathy flowers outside her home. Again, you know my humour, that’s not me, i don’t appreciate it, I don’t tell them but at the same time, it doesn’t upset me and I don’t get angry about it because, generally, they’re just jokes.
What does get to me, and what does anger me, are people’s genuine opinions. A joke is a joke, we’ve all told an off colour joke to a close friend, knowing full well that it’s not you’re actual opinion. But some of the comments I saw in those 334 would make your blood run cold.
In no particular order, here are the people who disappointed me tonight.
First up is person A who according to his profile lives near me and is a fan of Cheryl Cole and the American TV show, ‘Medium’. His favourite, and only, activity is ‘drinking’ as is his only interest. Let’s assume he’s been drinking tonight, but he wrote:
“money first with mr barlow lol”
Now firstly, I suspect that he never actually ‘loled’ at his own comment since, well, it’s not funny and secondly it’s not factually correct. As a great many of you pointed out, none of the acts got paid for either Olympic ceremonies, they got paid £1 each for contracts but that wouldn’t even get you a hotdog in the Olympic park (they’re £3.40, I was there last week).
More to the point, of all the people to accuse of putting money first, don’t launch it at Gary Barlow. The guy has worked tirelessly over the last few years, organising countless charity and free gigs for the people of this country and abroad, The Children in Need gig at the MEN Arena, the Jubilee celebrations, as well as his continued support of Comic Relief, Help the Heroes, the Roy Castle Lung Cancer Foundation and lots of others beside.
Anyway, that’s just the beginning. Person B writes:
“Appalling! Just a week and he's put money and his job before his family. If he was my husband he'd be out on his ear! I don't think it was brave or legendary!”
And follows it up with:
“I'm sure he did (do it for his country) but it won't do him any harm when that song sells copies again and makes him some money! He does nothing for free, he's completely up himself! Really don't like the bloke. He put his job before his family tonight, that's disrespectful to his wife who probably needs him more than ever right now! And to think I felt sorry for him!”
And then for equal measure:
“He hasn't been respectful to them (his family)! I respect his wife 100% and my heart goes out to her and her other children. My son is my life, I'd die if anything happened to him but if my husband left is to go to work before our child had even had a funeral, I'd never forgive him!”
Now, I know it’s 2012 but I’m always surprised when you get a comment like this from a woman, and a mother no less. There really is a catch 22 with doing charity work when you’re famous. I mean, I am nowhere near as famous as Gary Barlow and I don’t support as many charities but this kind of cynical nature that a lot of people have really plays on your mind when you’re doing charity work. Like when the charity say 'can we put this visit in the paper I always think 'oh no, people will think I've just visited this hospital to get in the paper' where as the charity are thinking "this would be great coverage for us".
This woman says “it won't do him any harm when that song sells copies again and makes him some money”. Now I don’t know what is going through Gary’s head at this time, but I’m pretty sure the already richer-than-all-of-us-put-together superstar at no point thought “I know my wife gave birth to a stillborn child the other day, but I really need to sell some more records”.
What an unbelievably stupid thing to say person B. As for it being ‘disrespectful to his wife’ and ‘putting his job before his family’ again, shut the **** up. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. For all you know, Gary could have spent the week sobbing his heart out in his bed, under the duvet and saying to his wife, ‘darling, I don’t think i can ever perform again’ and his wife could quite possibly have said ‘Gary, please sing that special song for me and Poppy, it will make us all so proud’. Now I don’t know either, but for you to presume the worst just because you ‘don’t like the bloke’ or think he’s ‘completely up himself’ is a disgusting trait in a human being.
Also being a performer is different from any other job. I’ve had family members pass away, I’ve had very upsetting things happen to me whilst on tour, but you can’t ring up the office and hope you get through to one of the cleaners to explain that you might not be in work today. You can’t go into work and just sit at the back quietly until the boss comes over and tells you to take a few days off. ‘The Show Must Go On’ is one of the most overused cliches in the entertainment world, but it’s because it’s true. If thousands of people have bought a ticket and are waiting to see you perform, have sorted out babysitters, have travelled from all over the country or the world to see you, then quite often, you put your personal problems to one side, and you give them the show that they want. And you know what, your wife fucking supports you because that is who she married; she married a driven professional caring guy, who respects that people have worked hard for their money and so you work hard for yours.
[continued in next post]