Thread: Where do I fit?
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Old August 16th, 2009, 16:50
Hannah Hannah is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2
Unhappy Where do I fit?

Hi everybody.

I just joined this site today. It's great, but I'm not sure where I fit in these forums - my story is complicated and confusing, to say the least.

I experienced my loss in December 2008, when he was 19 and I was 17. His name was Alex, and he was my closest male friend. At the time of his death, we were more than friends, but nothing was official, since he had a girlfriend.
We met on the internet (please don't judge) when I was 14 and he was 16. I fell for him right away, and he felt the same, but since we were so young, I felt I couldn't meet up with him. We stayed friends online for 3 years, at which point he met his girlfriend. There was a point where we didn't speak for a few months because he was busy at university and neither of us had time to talk. The one thing I will always be grateful for is that a few weeks before he died, we began speaking again. All of our old feelings for eachother resurfaced, and I felt myself falling for him again. We had still never met. The last I ever heard from him was a text message 4 days before he died - he told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me, for which I felt so guilty as he was still with his girlfriend. So I never replied to it, just pretended nothing had happened and ignored it. That haunts me to this day.

I didn't find out that he had died until almost a week later - he was killed in a car crash on the way home from a party.

You can probably tell that I'm still confused and feeling a lot of guilt about his death. But I don't know what to do or how to get help - there is no support group for women who were someone's bit on the side but who they hadn't actually met. I worry about posting here too - I don't want to offend anyone if that makes sense, I feel like my pain is nothing compared to those who have lost their partner of many years. It is all still so raw, and I haven't talked to anyone about it; where would I begin? I only told three people that I was grieving, and I didn't go into specifics. I just feel so alone and that no one will understand.

I'm not expecting anyone to reply with all the answers, but I just feel like I need to get this out. I still love him and miss him every day and just wish things had been different.
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