Greif is Greif
Don't feel ashamed. Greiving is very real and tough. But don't beat yourself up either. The should haves, would haves and regrets and guilt can eat you up. It does nothing for you. You should look to the greatness of being able to reconnect with him before he died. You should also appreciate, that knowing him, made you who you are today also. Don't worry about fitting in, greiving is greiving. You have the right just like anybody else to greive. It is not easy, we are our own worst critics, we are harder on ourselves than we need to be. Just know, he cared for you, you for him. No matter the time spent together or the way we know somebody, if they are a part of our life, it is tough on us. I wish you well. And embrace your feelings and let them out. God Bless!