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moonmagick
June 10th, 2007, 15:30
We knew my grandmother was dying before she passed. In some ways I think it helped us to come to terms with it, but on the other hand, we also knew our time with her was limited. Do you think it makes it any easier to cope when you know it is going to happen?

tater03
June 10th, 2007, 18:05
I would think that if you knew it was coming it would be somewhat easier in the sense that you can spend quality time and say what needs to be said before they pass on.

nancy
June 13th, 2007, 11:46
This is a great question. I've experienced the deaths of friends and family both ways - as a shocking tragedy and as a welcomed end to long suffering. My father's death was the first significant loss in my life. When I learned he had cancer I was stunned. I couldn't imagine watching him suffer through such a terrible disease. I told my friend that I wanted to just die in my sleep, quickly, without knowing; she, in her wisdom, told me that I might change my mind as I walked with my father through his final days. She was right.

By the time dad died, we had said everything we had to say. One of the most treasured moments in my life occurred just two days before he died, when he looked me in the eye and told me I'd been a good daughter. I was with him when he breathed his last breath - a tremendously spiritual moment that strengthened my faith in many ways.

Although it's possible to end up with unfinished business even when you know death is coming, in a sudden or violent death there is no opportunity to say those important things. Clearly, this is a reason why we should all say these things every day, but too often we don't. I'm grateful that I had the opportunity with both my parents to say the things I wanted to say and to be with them on their final journey. - nancy

SageMother
June 27th, 2007, 13:27
We knew my grandmother was dying before she passed. In some ways I think it helped us to come to terms with it, but on the other hand, we also knew our time with her was limited. Do you think it makes it any easier to cope when you know it is going to happen?

Good question. I think in some cases it helps, if it is supported by the fact that it is a normal death, ie we expect our grands to die before us.

My husband had a heart condition that had to be dealt with about 3 years ago now. During the time of not knowing if everything would be alright, my hair started falling out...the stress of possibly losing him was terrible.

He is find now and so is my hair, but knowing the possibility didn't help me in that situation.

harmony_mom
June 30th, 2007, 11:20
Good question. I think in some cases it helps, if it is supported by the fact that it is a normal death, ie we expect our grands to die before us.

My husband had a heart condition that had to be dealt with about 3 years ago now. During the time of not knowing if everything would be alright, my hair started falling out...the stress of possibly losing him was terrible.

He is find now and so is my hair, but knowing the possibility didn't help me in that situation.

I think that it may depend on how long you know it's coming for and whether or not you know for sure. You mentioned that you didn't know at the time of your husband's illness whether everything would be alright that the expectation didn't make it any easier. I think that in the case that death is a certainty, we do have an easier time coping with it because we can, as has been mentioned, make quality time. My brother's wife is dying of cancer. I know that for him he has partially accepted her death. It will still be difficult when it actually comes, but he has had time to accept that she will die and he will be alone. However I think it also depends on your relationship to the person who is ill, because where my brother has moved through the stages of grief, though he may have to deal with them again on a smaller scale after her death, her two children are still very much in denial. They often talk about when their mom gets better. Perhaps it just depends on the individual.

SageMother
June 30th, 2007, 13:18
IF the knowledge that death is coming helps one cope, then it should be the policy of places like hospitals and similar places, to avoid trying to create hope that leads in a direction away from accepting the death of the loved one. I know that with my caughter, they should have been honest with me, instead of having me do things like pump my breasts on the hope that she would be home soon.

Has that changed? Is the medical community realizing that they should be more realistic when the likelihood of death isn't certain but extremely high?

cassiem0221
July 2nd, 2007, 15:42
I think it might but I am not sure.. I have been told that my son was going to be stillborn and now he is 16 months old and they still say he will die anytime.. I think for me, it makes it worse.. I have accepted that God may take him from me at anytime and that every minute I get with him is precious so maybe it helped in that prospect but you constantly wonder when it will happen.

ainmama2001
July 3rd, 2007, 13:38
We had three months, and it gave us time to plan things, but you have no idea what the emotional impact is going to be until it happens. Having something like hospice in place really helps. Hospice people really help you get your self ready. They are a godsend.

Taggart
July 4th, 2007, 07:28
Nancy makes an excellent point about saying the things that you want to say. I think this is why so many people make a point of ending phone conversations with "I love you" when talking to loved ones.

The two closest people to me that I've lost were sick over a period of a few weeks when it became obvious that they wouldn't recover. In both cases there were fairly small things that I wish I would have done differently in retrospect.

I wonder how family members who become estranged from each other but still love each other will deal with the deaths of loved ones.

sandmike123
July 5th, 2007, 23:50
I think it makes it worse. In fact I know in my situation it did. My grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They gave him a year tops but probably 6 months or less. It was devastating to watch him die slowly day by day. To watch this once vibrant and full of life human being slowly deteriorate to nothing. You were left waking up everyday wondering if today was the day. it was horrible.

jemoelle
July 9th, 2007, 22:37
It is never easy to lose someone but I would like to know in advance so that I could make sure there were no lose ends and all bad relationships were mended and there were no regrets. It is hard watching someone die...we just did that with my brother in law who had cancer...he passed a few months ago..it was difficult but we spent time with him that we probably wouldn't have had we not known that his time here was going to be taken

azaleaeight
August 23rd, 2007, 14:20
We knew my mother was dying, and maybe - in ways - it makes it a little easier, but what I found was that even after being told she was dying and even with knowing how all the signs were clearly there, I couldn't really believe it.

I kept having hope and kept kind of thinking how she'd make it. I know that was part of the "denial thing" that people go through, but what I was left with after she went was feeling as if I should have behaved in a way that acknowledge that she was going. I didn't behave badly toward her by any means, but as I took care of her I just kept taking care of her as I'd been doing all along.

If I could have gotten it through my head that she was really dying, I would have probably hugged her more or said some appropriate things.

Then again, sometimes I wonder if just having our same-old kind of days as we'd had since she'd become bedridden was better for her.

That's the kind of thing we can't ever really figure out. [/COLOR][/COLOR]

Priscilla
August 26th, 2007, 08:39
I think the biggest difference for me has been closure. I think I was able to get closure easier when my friend fought cancer for a year and we knew we were going to lose her and she knew she was going to die, so we all seemed to wrap things up. When my uncle died suddenly and young, I was unable to get closure for months after.

ssleutz
August 26th, 2007, 21:28
No I don't think that it makes it any easier knowing that you are going to loose them. But it does help you to to know to spend more time with them and say what you want to say to them during that time.

Calypso
September 26th, 2007, 18:17
I think it depends on a lot of things including whether or not the dying patient's symptoms are managed well enough so they can continue to participate in life, how you use the time once you know, and how honest everybody is being.

Watching a loved one suffer certainly makes grieving more difficult. So does spending months on end dreading that today will be "the day" or, conversely, trying to pretend that nothing is wrong and your loved one will make a full recovery.

If, on the other hand, your loved one is comfortable and you have a chance to say your goodbyes in a meaninful way, the burden of grief you carry later might be lessened somewhat.

mrs.tinsley
October 14th, 2007, 03:50
I believe you have a buffer of time to cope with the hardship before it comes and in that sense it would be a little easier, not easy, but easier.

suebee82
March 28th, 2009, 23:04
We knew my grandmother was dying before she passed. In some ways I think it helped us to come to terms with it, but on the other hand, we also knew our time with her was limited. Do you think it makes it any easier to cope when you know it is going to happen?

We are going through that now with my father, and I have to say for me NO it is devestating to see him everyday. Leaving the hospital is torturous for me. It's been 5 weeks and each day I walk in and I feel as though my heart in being ripped out. Maybe it's me, but I haven't come to terms with it and I cannot bring myself to say goodbye. We've been on a rollercoaster ride with all the ups and downs. So for me knowing isn't making it easier to cope. Again today the news was pretty grim so again tonight I sit with the phone close hoping it doesn't ring, but knowing that he is suffering. So we feel selfish and guilty for not wanting to let him go but knowing that his suffering will end.

matheu899
March 23rd, 2012, 05:00
We all aware of the fact that all in this world will vanish.