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simeon
November 21st, 2008, 02:52
hello,
a few months ago my fiance killed herself, really to me though she was my wife, we had our own wedding in private, the state wasnt involved but to me it was just the same.
i had been with her for 3 years, we knew each other inside out, she had such a loving heart, i havent met anyone with her capacity to love.
shes the only person ive revealed myself to, already before this happened things havnt exactly been good.
my lover before her became abusive and physically violent and soon after i left her i became a heroin addict (3 years ago or so), i stopped using half year ago or so but the hell of heroin addiction still haunts me today.
this last year have been the worst in my life, i have depression anyway but this last year has been utterly miserable, i have been evicted, unemployed, starving etc but at least i had her, shes all i had.
now shes gone i have nothing left, i realised that i have shed all my friends years ago in favour of being with my lover more, i spent all my time with her she was my everything.
now im left alone, crying everyday with nothing left...no money, no friends, no support, no love, no stable place to call my own, no possesions aside from my clothes...all im left with is the items she gave me...rings, items of clothing etc.
i didnt care about not having all that stuff when i was with her cause her love was more powerfull than all of it, but now i just feel like an empty shell in an empty room, doing nothing, saying nothing, pretendig everythings ok but secretly crying non stop.
i had been suicidal when i was with her but her love stopped me, i dont feel like i have a life left any more...i feel like my spirit has been slowly robbed from me these last few years, but with the death of my wife the last drops of it seem to have gone.
i wont go in to my wife's problems here because i havnt asked her if that is ok(obviously), but suffice to say she was in a lot of pain herself and i dont blame her for doing so.

Rachele
November 21st, 2008, 21:52
Dear Simone, So sorry for the loss of your fiance and the pain you feel. Having been at that stage of grief, I can relate to all your say about feeling or being so alone and empty in your home and life. The tears feel like they will never end and life will never be the same, as we knew it before. I know it's a few months and you said you have felt depressed and suicidal in the past. It is so important that you have someone to talk to or a doctor to evaluate if medication is needed to help you through. While it can't fix your pain and the grief you will have to endure for some time, it can help. Hoping you find some comfort soon. It's good to talk or express your feelings with people who know the pain of loosing someone. Sending heartfelt sympathy, Rachele

peteswife
November 22nd, 2008, 06:21
So sorry for your loss. I just lost my husband two weeks ago to cancer. Depending on what state you live in there iare a lot of programs out there that can help you. Please go to Department of Social Services so you can get food stamps & medicaid so you can see a Dr. for your depression and with medicaid you can see a therapist at no cost to you. I work for an agency that help people with no income or very low income but you have to live in NY. Once you go to Social Services they have shelters. I know once you lose someone you love it's like there's no purpose for you to go on but suicide is not the way to go. Always remember there's someone out there that is going through something worst than you or the same or simular. Come here as often as you can & we will be your new friends. I lost my husband of 29 yrs. & I miss him every waking moment but you must go on. I know that's easier said than done but try & find a bereavement group in your area. Take care of yourself & be good to yourself.

Essie

Dancer
November 25th, 2008, 10:23
simeon,

I'm sorry for your lost. I hope you'll stick around and let us help you to feel less alone. Pkease go have a chat with someone about your depression. They might have some meds that can help you over this bad period. Greiving is tough enough without the feeling that you don't want to go on living.

chesterlee
May 11th, 2009, 11:43
simeon read your post and that's a nice story.. Maybe your wife wants to be your angel that's why she killed her self.. Don't look always to the negative sides. It can't help you..

Find a job. Go to your old GOOD friends.. Try to say sorry to them because you don't had a time for them because of blah blah blah etc...

Move on men. Don't waste your time on that.. I know that your wife will be lonely if he will see you in that situation.

Try to read this wonderful story. It help you. i read this story a long ago and i share it here for how many times. Now I am going to share it you too..
http://www.thankgodforebooks.com/husband-died.html

Good luck simeon to the new beginning of your life.

kate09
November 16th, 2009, 23:46
simeon, I know it was really hard time for you because loss of life partner is very difficult. I m so sorry that you going through this grief. Don't think you are alone, she is always with you in your heart. I lost my uncle 3years ago and it was so hard time for me. you can trying to move on. Time heals all wounds. You are always in my prayers and thoughts.