View Full Version : I wish I didn't have to post here
July 14th, 2008, 20:15
It's 3 am and I only just joined this site... and quite frankly, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I feel that I'm too young to be here. I am 20 years old and my boyfriend of four years committed suicide four months ago and I still haven't fully acknowledged that something like that happened to me. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't seem like the time is passing. I spent most of the time in bed, I stopped going to UNI, my mum forced me to see a psychologist something over a month ago. Clearly, I have no idea what to do, nor do I have the willpower to do anything. I saw the psychologist 7 times already and I haven't mentioned my boyfriend yet. This is the first time I am mentioning him, or the whole situation in general. I think about it constantly, but for some reason, I cannot force myself to talk about it. I hate the thought of crying in front of somebody, I just resent the thought of opening up to a stranger in general. My attitude towards therapy is quite ridiculous, really, seeing as I was studying psychology. I should have seen the signs, I should have seen it coming. I didn't. No one did. I spent all of my late teenage years in this relationship. I don't even know how to date. I don't think I will be able to trust again and I'm scared of all the expectations coming from other people around me. Everyone seems to be watching me so closely, everyone is so attentive, I'm afraid that they'll expect me to find somebody new soon. Ahhh, I'm being confusing, I'm sorry, I just really don't know what to do with myself.
July 15th, 2008, 19:58
First of all, you're not too young to be here. I'm 20 too.
Second of all, don't apologise for grieving and feeling lost. Everyone who's lost someone feels that way and it's perfectly natural. I cannot imagine the pain which you feel at losing your boyfriend - whom you obviously trusted and cared for greatly - in such a cruel way.
I won't claim to be a connoisseur in this area because, frankly, I'm not. Yes, I lost someone very very close to me at a critical time in my life - also in a cruel way - but I believe that no one can truly say they understand what someone else is going through because it's different for each person. But I would say this because it applies in this situation and to most people who are grieving. Don't blame yourself for what happened. What your boyfriend did was his choice and his choice alone. Saying you "didn't see it coming" is, in my opinion, blaming yourself for something which you had no control over. As human beings we all have the ability to take our own lives and unfortunately at the end of the day it was in his hands. I just don't think that you should chastise yourself for something unecessarily. You're already going through enough pain as it is, that's plain to see.
Furthermore, in terms of therapy, it didn't work for me either. I found myself picking and choosing what I wanted to tell them for fear of them either A. laughing at me B. thinking I was nuts and C. being utterly disappointed in me because I felt ashamed of myself. Don't fool yourself into thinking that it works for everyone, because in my experience it most certainly does not (I tried 9 different therapists in my life). However, perhaps you can find another outlet which is specific to you (preferably creative rather than destructive) that allows you to release your emotions in a controlled way. For me it was writing and always has been. Also talking to a close friend/family member can sometimes be more comforting than talking to a complete stranger (again a preference thing).
Finally, forget what everyone "expects" or what you think they "expect" of you. This is probably one of the toughest things you have/ever will experience in your life and rushing yourself through the process of grieving does more harm than good. If you don't feel ready to move on then you shouldn't, so ignore what everyone else thinks and just do what feels right for you. Above all, my advice is to try and be positive (which I know is the most stupid advice to give, but for me it has been golden) and try to focus on the things which have been good in your life. A quote I once heard said "Instead of saying 'how dare you take them away', say 'thank you for letting me know them'."
But above all, please don't feel strange about venting to someone - even if it is on a forum. Because I think that making yourself suffer alone is one of the worst possible things you can do, and I'm sure you owe yourself more than that. I'm sorry if I haven't been helpful, but maybe you can find something amongst the ramble.
All the best, and my warm thoughts and wishes for you at this difficult time.
July 17th, 2008, 21:48
I'm so sorry for your loss. Reach out to others...you need that now.
July 22nd, 2008, 09:03
It is very hard to ackowledge the loss of someone that has been so much a part of your life. Especially when it is an unexpected loss because it is so hard to make any sense or rhyme and reason about it. That is what I have experience through the unexpected death of my mom through doctor negliegence and I don't say that lightly. It happened and I have not found closure or peace in her death. So I understand, even though your situation is different in that it was a suicide but the concepts or the same, no closure and an unexpected death. It is know as complicated grief. I know you said you didn't feel comfortable with therapy, as it was new to you. But when you feel a connection with a therapist it can really be helpful and healing. Give it a chance and if it don't work out with this person maybe you might connect with someone else. I have someone I feel a connection with and it helps to get the feelings out. Rachele
September 22nd, 2008, 09:09
I don’t know why I am writing to you, really, but right now, it seems like a good idea. I lost my beloved fiancé, my soulmate of 10 years to a completely out of the blue suicide, 14 weeks ago tomorrow. There were no warning signs, no indicators, nothing. He just seems to have suffered some sort of mental breakdown. He was with his company 18 years and loved the job he was so good at it. That morning, he was accused of something he had not done at work and got sent home. All hell seems to have broken lose from there and he took an overdose. He did not even phone anybody to tell them what had happened and that he was distressed-he seems to have lost all sense of reality and rationality in his final few hours.
On top of the job, he had been suffering with rheumatoid arthritis and had recently had his medication increased. We have since found out that this medication is known to cause clinical depression. I think he was convinced he was going to lose his job and it caused an onslaught of guilt, shame and panic. He left me a letter telling me he loves me, but I did not find out he had been sent home until the next day.
He was highly, highly intelligent and was a very rational, level headed and logical person who would have been the last person anybody would have expected to do this. There were over 100 people at his cremation. He was so loved.
The pain is unbearable. To say we were inseparable and that we adored each other is not doing our relationship justice. If I went to the hairdressers, he would come with me and sit reading a book. I have lost everything. I lost my soulmate, my fiancé, the person who kept me safe, and my best friend when I lost my angel.
I am originally from Ireland and all my family are still over there. I have lost everything-my future, my soulmate, everything. I wish somebody would just listen, without judging me, I saw a bereavement counseller, but she said he had probably planned it and that it was the coward’s way out. It was upsetting. He would NEVER have hurt people like this if he had been in his right frame of mind-that would have hurt him far more than anythingelse.
I feel so lost. I cry all the time; I can’t seem to stop all the chatter in my head. My mind just won’t stop and I am exhausted. I don’t want to go out, I have lost all interest in everything. I live on takeaways. I go to work, went back the day after the cremation, but I have no interest in it and I could not care less if I lost my job.
People ask me how I feel and if I say I feel fine, they either think I AM fine, or that I am bottling things up. But if I say how I really feel, that I just want to be with him, people tell me I am selfish and that I am self indulgent. His mother said she is finding it easier now and when I said this to one of my friends, she said, “Why are you not finding it easier? I would have thought that you would have been at the height of your grief the night you found out. I would have liked to think I would be getting over it by now.” I feel like people think I am wallowing in self pity. But I feel so isolated. When this first happened, his best friend rang me in tears, saying “You better not do anything either, as that will be the final straw if both of you are gone.” But he fails to realise that I AM gone-I died with my angel. There is nothing left but a husk.
His father says that we must look back on the happy times, not the sad, but I am even struggling with that. I just can’t get the thought of him being so distressed out of my head. People say I should be happy that he is happy now, and I agree-I think that if this is what it took to release him from the mental breakdown, then it was God’s will and I am happy that he is free. I hope God carried him in His arms. But it hurts, I can’t stand being without him and I don’t care if that makes me selfish. People say to me I am wrong for wanting to follow him, that it is selfish, but I think it is selfish and cruel to ask me to live like this. I feel so lost and alone and I HATE the person I am turning into. I have faith that I will one day be reunited with him, but even that it starting to waver now. Nothing makes sense-even when it is not raining, it is raining in my head. There is no colour in the world anymore and I am dying of a broken heart. People say he was selfish to do this and that is the coward’s way out, but he just had a breakdown. People don't make the choice in that state-it is made for them.
I came from such a hellhole, a broken home, where there was alcohol, violence, everything you could think of. Neal was my one oasis in the desert. Now he is gone. I feel like I have lost my anchor in life. I hate my career, but I don’t know what else to do, I am struggling financially, I am lonely and I the person I was is gone.
My head feels so weird-I either go blank or can’t function or there is constant chattering in my head. It never, ever goes away. People ask me if we were having problems-but we were so happy, he was so looking forward to the future, it just seems to have been completely knee jerk to the panic at the thought of losing his job. It hurts me so much that people judge him and then judge me for not wanting to live with the pain.
Thanks for reading this.
January 19th, 2009, 15:25
Beyond all thought and inner knowing,
Fear, anger, grief, loneliness and pain;
Beyond earthly sight, sound and comprehension
There lies a place where all souls meet again.
A world of warmth, light, love and healing,
From where each soul undertakes its earthly quest,
And returns after many trials and tribulations
To find comfort and healing, blessedness and rest.
Here the answers to all its questions
Are gently shown, with sympathy and grace.
Once again the soul knows its oneness with all life
And that there is no death and that
All worlds and beings will always be
Safely enfolded in God’s loving embrace.
Edited by Aquarius
From Stella Polaris Oct/Nov 2008
Magazine of the White Eagle Lodge
New in 'Comfort for the Bereaved' (http://www.leportaildelabd.com/wisdom/bereaved.htm?=bereaved)
January 28th, 2009, 06:40
Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you stick around and let us get to know you a little better.
May 11th, 2009, 11:18
Im sorry for your lost BloodRedShoe.. I read all the comment and YES they are right. I'm sorry if i say "Forgive and Forget" try to move on. Life must go on.. Don't waste your wonderful life that GOD gave to you..
Maybe the mission of your boyfriend here in this planet is done,.. Maybe your boyfriend try to suicide to be your angel all the times.
BloodRedShoe try to read this inspirational stories from the real experience of a wife. I read this long time ago and I remember it when I read your post here.
http://www.thankgodforebooks.com/husband-died.html that is the link . Read it it can help you BloodRedShoe..