View Full Version : Shattered and Sheltered
January 2nd, 2015, 14:11
This is my first post here…Perhaps this avenue of expression will be a help to me and my story can be a blessing to someone else. I have such a myriad of emotions that boil inside of me as I try to navigate through this fog of grief. My husband died unexpectedly on Oct. 23. We had been married for 6 and a half years…Steve was my second chance at love…the man I intended to grow old with, oh how I loved him. To add to this ball of grief is the fact that my mom had unexpectedly died on August 8. I hadn't even yet gotten into the grieving process of my beautiful sweet mama, hadn't even sorted through her belongings or even put away the things from her memorial service, when my husband died just a little more than 2 months later. Such a shocking turn of events and I feel shattered. Yet I feel sheltered and loved and comforted by so many of our friends and family. God is faithful to comfort and be near…this I do know. It is such an odd mix of emotions…to feel bereft and shattered and broken and lost and to also feel loved and cared for and strengthened. I am learning that no one can ease the pain of this journey. It is a lonely road to walk down. Or crawl down. I miss my husband with an insatiable ache. And my mom too, of course. This road I'm trudging down is a hard one and I'm so very unfamiliar with every twist and turn of the terrain. This experience has plunged me into depths of which I am not familiar. The roller coaster of emotions is wild. And unpredictable. One friend I know always signed off his letters this way when he and his wife were going through a health challenge. He would sign…'In His Grip'. I am in His grip. God's grip. Even when I can't cling to His unchanging Hand I am aware that I am in His grip. Because He loves me. This I do know.
January 2nd, 2015, 19:25
hi lianne i am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband and mum i am filled with admiration how you are dealing with these terrible losses sometimes we don't realise for a long time when thrown into this grief that they have left us with a gift which is helping us cope to value even more our family and friends the feeling of love to others is so enhanced it lifts us from the extreme depths of our despair all this comes from their love and it will carry you forward i know your days are sad lonely and your loss is great but gradually the tears will lessen in time you will get through this you have wonderful people there for you lean on them when you need to and talk of all you are feeling talkng does help in a big way In heaven they still love you just the same love is always felt from heaven to earth that bond can never be broken love lasts for eternity in this love you share you know they need you to be happy again it will take time you have to grieve and get through this in your own way it's desperately sad days you can feel numb another screaming to the world it's a rollercoaster of emotions hard to understand but everyone is different how they cope but i assure you it will get easier in time i send my love to you and a hug to say i care xxx
January 3rd, 2015, 11:52
Thank you Hazel…I was so surprised and pleased to see a comment! Funny how I am grasping at things to hang on to…Your words are kind and thoughtful and helpful. Thank you. I especially liked your comment that they are still loving me from heaven. I really like that and its the thought i'll hang on to today. The last two days I have started the task of sorting through the closet and bathroom…packing away or giving away some of my husbands things. Oh so hard. It's something i really need to do, i know that I don't have a timeline deadline…but i haven't even been using the master bathroom or the closet because of the memories that linger and the last remnant reminders that he was there. I haven't used the shower since he died. Or cleaned it. Because it has felt like I would be washing away the last bit of him when he was in that room. Every sock, shirt, hair fiber etc….that goes away is one less reminder of him. But in my head I know he is in my heart, and he is loving me even now, and in cleaning the bathroom and removing some of his clothing from the closet isn't erasing him. Steve can't be erased….he is etched in my heart. But i tend to cling to these remnants of his life here on earth with me. I suppose it is normal. I miss him.
January 3rd, 2015, 14:41
I see from your posts your heading in the right direction. Your faith and determination is what will get you through the journey. Your attitude is something that will steel you when the bad days come. Even though it has only been a short while. Please know your husband has only left the physical presence.. he is with you spiritually as Hazel has mentioned. Your mom too!.. If you look you will see they are sending signs.. Everything is okay.
I know the ache you speak of.. unfortunately it will always be with you.. just over time it won't be so sharp and jagged as it is now..
Please know you have come to a place of kindred spirits who also share the agony and heartbreak you feel. It is very cathartic to reach out to someone you don't know but your souls are in sync with the heartache you have shared in loss. Read , write , rant,, please know you will not ever be judged for it here. Welcome!
I wish you peace for your shattered heart.
Cal821 ( Dave )
January 4th, 2015, 09:52
Hello liane, it's been a while since I posted a reply on here, dear sister I'm so sorry for the passing of mum and then your precious husband, we know your pain and can stand with you as ones who understand. Where do we go, who do we turn to, how can we understand? These questions will go round and round in our heads and hearts and we get exhausted in the end because the answers arnt given to us. Dear friend there are still a couple of faithful friends on here who will be here for you when you need a helping heart and hand, they know all your pain cos they have been there too, if I may hold you before God in m prayers, I know that there were times of utter despair but I know I was held, I cried a lake of tears but I know they were precious to The Lord, please be comforted that you are never alone and your loves are safe with the Lord and are watching over you. You willnt be able to understand this right now but you will make it through this darkness, you will come through, this I promise you dear child.
Sending to you many hugs.
January 4th, 2015, 21:45
Thank you Cal and Chrissy….I appreciate your words of encouragement. It helps to hear from those who have walked down this path or are currently walking down it. I'm kind of thinking that this is a very very long path…perhaps we'll be walking down it for the rest of our lives. I woke up and immediately had the weight and the truth of my reality bear down on me. I put on some music and set about getting ready for the day…pausing for 10 minutes to cry as the sun rose above the mountains. I live in Alaska and have been blessed with a beautiful view of the mountains right from my bedroom. Today was the first day I was back at the piano leading the song service at the church service at our local Sr. Center. My husband and I fascilitated the service there for the past 2 and a half years. He had an amazing booming voice…that harmonized with mine perfectly. I led the worship time and he filled in with his amazing vocals…and then he shared the message every week. He was brilliant in his knowledge of the bible and was very effective in speaking. The folks there sure do miss him too. So today I resumed my place at the piano…it went very well, but I so missed hearing his voice and seeing him speak. My mom also attended the church there…and when I look out at the room and see the spot she always used to sit at…it catches my breath. It's comforting to be there…and also painful. I'm finding that true about everywhere i am. It is like I don't have a place to be anymore. I want to be at home, but then when I am, i feel at loose ends and like I should go somewhere. When I am away from home, I feel an urgency to get back…and feel unsettled. It's like my ship has torn loose from it's moorings and doesn't know where to rest. So I ride the tide and swells and waves. Watched football with family this afternoon and now am fighting by tears and the kicked in the gut feeling has returned. It's my constant companion. I'm so glad to have the hope of heaven and the comfort of my faith. It undoubtedly helps….this kind of pain is deep and raw. May God continue to help me.
January 5th, 2015, 08:30
Dear liane, I write this prayer on here for you, this pain is your soul connection with your loved one I believe in the bible there written somewhere of the silver thread. Some have come back said of this thread that is invisible to our physical eye and connects us till we can let them go. We never stop loving them and we may come to a time further on when we can remember without that agony we must feel at the separation from them. I know my Giuliano was allowed by God to stay close to me, heaven is just the next room but one morning after a two weeks of despair, boxes of chocolates and red wine, I knew in my heart that I had come across that invisible bridge to the other side. My pastor rang me and said that God had told her I was going to be ok from that time and I was.
Dear love you are amazing to be strong enough to sit at the piano and play in your church, God is keeping you and enabling you and please know that your love is singing his heart out in heaven with you, we are cheered along by that great crowd in heaven who have gone before us. Many in the church are expecting Jesus christ to return soon, if so we will meet him in the clouds and mum and your precious love will be there too.
My prayer for you is to be carried, held and comforted by the Lord, I pray that you might have dreams and visions from the Lord and that you may be visited by your love in your dreams, that the Lord give you strength to go through this valley of tears, that He will gather all your tears and one day show you and answer all your questions for He has promised to wipe away every tear from your eyes. May the Lord bless you, may the Lord keep you,may He make His face shine upon you, may He give unto you His shalom.
Sending my love and hugs
June 20th, 2015, 13:20
I believe you already know how no one else can really know your pain on a soul and gut level. It's just not possible.
Losing your mom and your beloved Steve in such a short time would bring anyone to their knees. What a trial of faith and determination.
You are an incredibly strong lady.
I appreciate how you have come here to share your experience, and in the process, you have helped countless others (even though you may not realize it).
We all need to heal, and sharing our feelings is the first step, I think. I know that this forum was a godsend for me when I first lost my soul mate, Shaun, and it still is.
Wishing you love, peace, and comfort,