View Full Version : I feel like cannot do this
June 18th, 2014, 06:34
My god, I can't take the pain. My mind can't comprehend that Bill is gone. He was so into his health how did he not know that his Hep C was acting up. 36 years sober nothing in his system and he ends up with liver cancer with a direct result from the hep c. It does not make sense to me. My mind goes to this tine last year. We walked, biked for miles, he worked and gardened. No signs except he was a little tired. I also am blacking out the last 9 months of caring for him. It's like he was here and now gone. The pain is to much. Almost three weeks with him being physically gone, but really months. I want to disappear but he taught me so much about living. How do you do it??
June 18th, 2014, 16:32
hi jodie theres no easy way to get through this no magic wand im afraid we grieve because we love them so much the first 3 months i just sat looking at the kitchen wall all day and most of the night as you know yourself it's hard to sleep and my heart went out to you last night when i saw you on here so late i used to give in to sleep when i was exhausted the body clock goes haywire the anger with the cancer is understandable like i said to you yesterday we have to recover from that hell as well there are no words to describe that despair it was a living nightmare i know you think you won't survive and feel you don't even want to but you will you were as strong as you could be for him last year now you have to find some strength for yourself and courage to face the days Bill taught you about living what a wonderful gift he gave you amongst all the many others somehow in time you have to gather them all up and these memories the gifts he lovingly gave to you are the way forward he didn't show you how wonderful life is just for that moment in the past they are for your future as well to carry in your heart I can't lie and say this is going to be easy we both know it's not but like us all who have been on this forum we survive and bit by bit the fragments of our shattered life are pieced together but what different and better people we are because we knew and loved them i will be here for you if you need to talk i know how desperate the pain feels those first few months my heart goes out to you wilh love and hugs xxxxxx
June 18th, 2014, 16:41
Thank you again for reaching out. I am headed to a young widows bereavement group tonight. My sister is going with me. Today I did go out for a little walk, because in MA today it was a perfect day. A day Bill would have said to get out there, so I tried. Because I am sober for almost 18 years I cantvtajecanything to take the pain away. I have to go through it like you described. I look forward to the day the grief lifts so I can live the life Bill taught me and showed me. Thanks again for always knowing what to say. How long has it been for you agsin??
June 18th, 2014, 18:38
i'm so relieved to hear your sister is there for you and how supportive she is going to the young widows group with you please let us know how you get on There is nothing in this world you can take that will numb your pain and if there was it wouldn't work because grief has to be faced head on it's the only way forward those that find solace in any way to obliterate feelings through drink or pills etc are deluding themselves that this will help it never does there's only one way to get through this awful time and that's to be brave as strong as you can be face the stages of grief as they come with a clear head and do what you have to do to get through the days Bill is proud of you that you have chosen this way to mourn his passing be strong and have faith I lost Darren 2 and a half years ago he was 50 another person far too good and young to be taken with this dreadful evil cancer i was like you desperate in the hell i found myself in
I have made many friends on here none of us wanted to carry on at the beginning but we all did and we found out in many different ways life is still good we can all find some happiness in our lives again it was damn hard many many tears some of us took longer than others but we all found our way in the end love hazel xx
June 18th, 2014, 21:38
Just got home from the support group. It was good. Small group with losses from a year ago, four months ago to me almost three weeks ago. As usual it's night I get a peaceful feeling at night, like I made it. So going to sleep is okay it's just the am. Thank you once again for getting it and tonight I don't feel as alone I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow xo
June 20th, 2014, 08:59
Welcome to the forum.. I see Hazel has already spoken with you here. It sounds like your doing everything you can and heading in the right direction. Just remember one day , one minute , one hour at a time..
The hellish merry-go-round ride will slow down in time... Just be patient with yourself.
Going to the widow's group is a great start. Just keep remembering to reach out in your pain. When we hurt everyone's first reaction is to withdraw into the pain..
Though it has been a while since I have written anything of value here on the forums. Please feel free to read some of my posts. They might give you the lift you need to get through a bad day..
Your doing really well Jodilynne in the journey .. It's just going to take some time. Remember Bill has only left the physical .. he is always with you 24/7 in your heart, memories, and mind. Our loved ones never leave us and they will always be with us as we pick up and start in a new direction.
I wish you peace for your shattered heart.
Cal821( Dave )
June 20th, 2014, 11:17
Thank you. I have seen some of your posts and the have helped. I think I am starting to realize he is gone. I know he is stiund me but I miss the physical presence of him. We had such a blast with one another and most times it was just doing simple things. I miss that. So many memories. I hope onecday they bring joy not pain.
June 30th, 2014, 09:30
Jodilynne… I think we all know just how you feel. I continue to feel that way every day. I think I must be in a dream that I can't get out of. The pain is deep and raw and I struggle to get through the days.
I'm hoping my grief will soften in time. Right now it feels as if it never will. Try to be as strong as you can. We're all in this together.
July 2nd, 2014, 22:24
Thank you. It's been really rough this past week. Reality setting in. I miss him and our life. I am lonely and deeply sad. Someone I have made it through almost five weeks. Most days it's like groundhogs day. I keep thinking I am gonna wake up from a bad dream and my life will be back to normal. In the meantime I look forward to going to sleep and hope he cones to me. Only once has he though :(
July 3rd, 2014, 17:48
hey Jodilynne, I too lost my husband (Bill) 2months ago. I know how you feel, live just isn't the same and it doesn't feel like it ever will, I don't even know what I feel except unbelievable pain and being alone. my Bill was taken by an accident here in the back yard. But it doesn't matter how, it's all the same, they are gone and it is hell. just wanted to say I'm thinking able you and prayer for alittle peace for us all.
July 3rd, 2014, 18:28
Sorry for your loss. Every day just keeps getting worse and worse. It's unbelievable. The days are just awful. I work myself up and by night I am so exhausted. Thanks for responding
July 3rd, 2014, 20:36
Days can be unbearable, and then I dread the nights, that's when the lonely time really starts. I hope you get some rest. Judy
July 4th, 2014, 02:49
jodi judy and hannah a loving embrace to you all please continue supporting one another it will help you i think talking and sharing the pain knowing someones there for you helps more than anything i send my love and will be back here next week in the mean time my friends you will be in my thoughts and prayers xxx
July 6th, 2014, 12:21
Jodi and Judy…. I can feel your pain and know that the heartache you feel is palpable. I dread the days and nights and wonder how I've ever made it this far. One moment at a time. Just one moment.
Now I find I go to bed really early because I can't stand the loneliness and heartache I feel. I pray for sleep to come so I don't have to feel the pain. There's safety in sleep. When I wake up in the morning it starts again.
I do believe my grief will soften in time but it will never go away. I feel that.
I know each of you are hurting and this list will help you. The people are caring and give their time freely. They know what we are going through. They are too. Be kind to yourselves.
Warmly - Hannah
July 6th, 2014, 17:06
Hannah, thank you for your response, this has been a really hard week end. Today I woke up and wondered why I should even get up. Then as the day went on, I found myself getting mad, the longer the day the madder I got. I know this isn't uncommon, But I'm not sure how to deal with this. In my heart I know Bill is better where he is, he wouldn't have wanted to live in his condition, But my head has it's own thoughts. this is this hardest thing I have ever imagined. I know what you mean about sleeping, it is a safe place, By night time I am so miserable I find sleep hard to come by. Thanks for listening, it helps to know people understand, even when I don't. Judy
July 9th, 2014, 13:32
Sorry to hear about your husband. I never thought I could feel this much pain and live through a day with. Some days in just don't even want to do this anymore. I miss him sooo much. I hope you are hanging in there as well. There really are no words of comfort. xo
July 9th, 2014, 14:35
Jodilynn, I too know there are no words, sometimes words hurt more than help. I can't believe it has been over 2 months now, it seems like yesterday and sometimes it feel like forever. I've been thinking about you and Hannah over this last week end. hoping that moments of time might be alittle easier. just one at a time, if you need to talk, scream, cry, whatever, I am here. prayers
July 15th, 2014, 07:20
Well another am of wsking up and not wanting to do this again I hate that I can't look at my Bills pictures. It's to much. I miss him so much. I know he is around me but it's just not the same. I do gave moments where I think I am ok and then bam I get slammed eithb emotions and think what is the point. I miss my Bill and I miss out life. Everything reminds me if him, everything. This is not fair :(
July 15th, 2014, 09:28
I know how you feel. I haven't been able to look at my Bills pictures either, it's just to painful. to begin with I thought it a betrayle not to look at them, but then I deceided it was just another way of working through all this. I have those days when I think I'm getting better and then the wind is just knocked out of me again, and it feels worse than before. I woke one day last week mad , I didn't know what I was mad at, then I started writing down all the things that popped into my head, it helped, at least for now. Hang in there, we will slowly move forward, even if we don't want too. You are in my thoughts and prayers
July 15th, 2014, 14:18
Today is such a bad day for no particular reason either. Just crying all day. With that I got about four different signs that Bill is with me, but it didn't bring me comfort yet, guess I am still in the grieving stages. I want to wake from this nightmare. So far today I have just given into it :(
July 15th, 2014, 16:18
that's the way it seems to happen, I can be doing ok one minute and the next I'm in tears. I've learned to go with it, and get through it, if I don't the tears just build and get worse. I have only felt that presence a day or to after bill died, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. maybe that is Gods way of protecting me, I don't know. one day we will wake up from this nightmare. I'm putting a lot of trust in God. sometimes it doesn't feel like he's listening, but I know he is i'm just so messed up I can't feel it. I hope you get some rest, and go with those feeling
July 16th, 2014, 06:10
I do go with the feelings. I can't not. I just cry and cry and cry. I wake up every morning still thinking this can't be happening. I actually had to ask his spirit to back off a bit, his energy was intense and I was pickng up on it. The signs I get were comforting but also saddening. I don't know it's just horrible. Judy, where do you live?
July 16th, 2014, 08:10
I'm in E Tn. you? I know I don't have the words or the answers we need. this is something I could never imagine going through and I don't know how. at first I really thought I was losing my mind. things were happening so fast, thoughts rolling around in my head that just wouldn't stop, and feelings I just didn't understand. some of that is still going on, but being on this site has helped me to know that this is all normal what ever normal is) I just have to cling to the believe that with time it will get better. I try to do what has to be done, and just go with it a moment at a time. I was suppose to start volunteering today, but had to put it off, I just can't deal with people on that scale yet, maybe one day. thinking and praying for you
July 17th, 2014, 09:00
Jodilynne and Judyr,
I have been reading your posts and my heart is hurting for you both. I know the hellish time your in right now all too well. I have no magic advice that will make the pain hurt any less even if it is for just a brief instant.
Please know this is part of the process.It is the really ****** part of it. When we lose someone that we are bonded with especially our spouses. The connections are so strong they go way beyond the physical. Please know your both going to be okay. I know it feels like your being smothered, the tears keep coming in waves after wave.. You just wish it would stop for only a second .. but time is frozen and day and night are just an unmeaning blur. The numbness feels all encompassing.. and you feel like this not real just a bad dream...
This part of the process will pass.. I promise you. it just may take some time... we were never meant to suffer unending.. it just takes some time for you to get your bearings again, after you have been knocked down and steamrolled with your loss of your dear husbands.
Keep talking.. read.. write.. scream.. rant.. rave.. rage... it's going to be okay.. Just try to go with the flow of what your feeling. experience everything.. don't avoid the feelings because they are too uncomfortable.. if you feel you need a break try to distract yourself.. try to get out and go for a walk.. a run.. or jog.. ride a bike.. doing something physical is cathartic...
The whole organic process of grief is to tear you down to your core... thus begins a new foundation .. not a blank canvass to re invent .. but like you have been broken open and rewired.. new version will appear in time. and so you then will begin the new path that is before you. This is the other side of the process.
But right now focus on the now if you can.. try not to think about the future. just focus on getting through each day the best you can..one step at a time.
I wish you peace for you both... Please know your in my thoughts and prayers
Dave ( Cal821 )
July 17th, 2014, 11:10
Thanks Dave, all responses help. it all makes sense when I read it, but it just doesn't seem to connect. it's like being on a rollercoaster ride that won't stop. (never did like those rides) I know in my mind that this is a journey that has to be gone through, but my heart doesn't want to go, and the two are fighting this endless battle. all prayers are welcome and needed, thanks Dave
July 19th, 2014, 10:35
Thank you for your words. We have this black board in out bedroom because when Bill was sick I would write down some goals or who was coming over that day. He woke one day/night not sure and said write the word "NOW" on the board. Seven weeks later and it's still on the board maybe he was trying to tell me to stay in the now. It's so hard but if I think about the future I get overwhelmed. I just miss him so much it hurts!
July 19th, 2014, 17:09
Jodilynne... hang in there.. This is the worst part.. the loneliness.. the disconnect.. the isolation.. With each new reminder the pain comes back in waves.. I know you probably feel your heart is tattered and torn... just keep breathing... when you feel you want to scream... do so.. the whole point is even though you feel totally wiped and empty inside is to go through the experience. you may not see it now but in time you will..
Right now I think your not looking for answers.. you need empathy ...compassion.. understanding and encouragement.... just remember small steps... keep breathing.. it's gonna all work out.. right now your in the impact crater looking up.. you will be able to get your bearings and climb out in time.. you'll know when your ready.. take care of yourself.. your going to need to keep your strength...remember to focus on yourself right now..
I wish you peace.
July 19th, 2014, 18:30
hi jodylynne i think Bill made you write down the word NOW as a reminder in the future to live in the now life is the here and now its not yesterday thats the past and tomorrow is our unknown future i think at the beginning of our grief we all live in the past we want it back and the now can be unbearably painful the future frightening Gradually we realise that this second is life this second can never be replaced and we know as hard as it is we have to find the courage and strength to accept we have to face it and live again in the now. Bill was giving you this loving message to remind you of that there's a time to grieve and a time to try and live again grief is a long emotional roller coaster you will get through this and one day be able to look at this word he left with you and know its a word and a message of love x
July 19th, 2014, 20:25
I don't know what happened to me tonight. I was doing dishes, and all of a sudden it was like something hit me in the chest, actually knocked the breath out of me. the only thought in my mind was that Bill was gone, he wasn't coming home from this trip. he was gone, and I would never seen him in this world again. I couldn't catch my breath and I completely lost it. it took me along time to calm myself, but now at least at the moment I feel calm, and totally exhausted. has this ever happened to anyone else.
July 19th, 2014, 23:06
Jodilynne, Bless you darlin'. It has been nearly a year since my seemingly healthy husband passed and I still cry everyday. If you hadn't loved your husband hard you wouldn't be in this much pain. I see it as a catch 22. Finding and living with your soul mate is beautiful. When they leave, those of us left behind struggle intensely. The moment they pass we feel their souls passing through our own. Though I cry all the time it has gotten a little better. I try to concentrate on my husband's humor and the beautiful things he did for me and others. In time you will do the same. Don't expect too much from yourself for a while. It is all way to fresh for you. Hang in there.
July 20th, 2014, 05:56
Thank you. Eveyone says the same so it must be true. The more time that passs the more I am broken. I can't take it. I miss him so much and I get mad because the grief is so consuming it's taking away what I had with him. I can't remember anything. It's so aggravating. :(
July 20th, 2014, 13:35
Jodilynne, hang in there... what your describing is called Widows Brain. I wrote about it in on of my posts. This part of the stage is the first level.. it will not gt easier.. you will just learn to cope differently. as time passes it teaches you to release the physical presence of your husband. He is always with you in spirit he has never left your side. Unfortunate as it is you have to go through this hell..
In this life I Believe.... that we all increase our energy and our knowledge by experiencing the polar aspects of all there is to know.
Our knowledge gives us an appreciation and understanding that makes us ever more complete with each new experience.
In other words, we learn from experiencing both sides of every possibility.
In order to fully understand and appreciate kindness, we must experience cruelty.
In order to fully understand and appreciate joy, we must experience depression, suffering and upset.
In order to fully understand and appreciate health, we must experience sickness.
In order to fully understand and appreciate comfort, we must experience discomfort in one way or another.
To truly understand and appreciate Life we must suffer though a death of some one truly close to us.
And so it goes for every possible experience that exists, we experience both sides of the spectrum in order to understand and appreciate the opposite.
We are meant to learn from every good and bad situation in this life. And the loss of those close to us is a driving force of change that starts us on the journey of understanding..
Just keep talking.. you will find this forum is a life line for you..
I wish you peace.
July 20th, 2014, 20:51
Thank you all for totally understanding and getting how I feel. I guess this is really a process. Today I did get a walk in and spent the rest of the day in bed. Judy, yes I feel like your describing too. I have not be able to breath all day. Panicking almost. Hazel, I totally agree Bill was giving me a message. He was so adamant about me writing the word on the board. I am still in disbelief, but am exhausted and hoping to go to sleep and trying to think of now. If I think of the past and the what ifs I get so messed up
July 24th, 2014, 16:16
Jodilynne, I've been thinking about you off and on all day. How are you doing. Hope things are alittle better. Judy
August 3rd, 2014, 22:44
I feel your pain. Nothing makes sense. You're in a constant state of disbelief. You don't know how you will go on without your loved one. From reading some of the other posts, you definitely have widows brain. I promise you, you will get better as time goes on. Friday was the one year anniversary of my sweet adorable husband's passing. I honored him on that day and at the time of his death. I had my entire family and friends on facebook take a moment of silence at 8 pm Central and think about something fun my husband did with him. It warmed my heart when I thought my heart was dead. Now is a new day and I'm getting out of my apartment and rejoining the human race. It will happen for you too when you are ready.