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baglady1st
February 25th, 2014, 23:03
I lost my wonderful husband 32 days after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He passed away at the age of 53. His pass away date was Aug.1st, 2013. He was and always will be my perfect match. I had to not only endure his eminent passing but the brutality of a few of his AA buddies before, during and after death. They were trying to take my husband's life over thinking they knew more about him than I when we had been together 18 years and they knew him for one year. They had a memorial that excluded me. Not his mother or sister, just me. That aside, it showed how ugly people can be in a time of need. In the end it was my husband and me only. I held his hand for his last breath and watched the life leave him. Before he took ill he was the very picture of good health. I on the other hand have a bad heart and should have died the summer before. Here I am alone trying to come to terms with my love leaving. I'm not whining however since he has gone, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Emotionally for the most part, I am a titan. This knocked the wind out of me for now. It has been 6 months but everything reminds me of him everyday. I want to be able to see these memories with a smile, not with crying. We shared the same sense of warped humor, sang California Dreaming like Elmer Fudd and had prairie dogs as our pets. It was wonderful.

hazelharris
February 26th, 2014, 03:33
hi baglady 1st i am so sorry for your very sad loss i too lost my husband to this evil cancer he was 50 and it's hell We travel through our life with so much love and happiness not many worries overcoming any problems together feel the joy of the days then BANG out of the blue comes this illness and our loved one is taken from us and is now in heaven You have said you want to see the memories with a smile and you will in time i can only speak from my own experience as we all are different how we cope go through the grief and learn to live again
Six months is no time 24 weeks in all when we are suffering the loss of a loved one you have to overcome the illness as well all you both went through it was a nightmare that has to be laid to rest and understood that our loved one isn't suffering anymore because it goes over and over in our mind as if its still happening but he is at peace and isn't still suffering anymore that moment in time has passed you did all you could for him and he went to heaven knowing he was loved
Grief goes through many different stages and it's all a slow process sometimes we are thrown back into despair it's a slow journey no one wakes up one day and says i'm now ok we suddenly realise we are coping better you say you feel you don.t belong anywhere i's a void it's the loneliness that you are feeling not having him there sharing your life that vast space of emptyness has to be filled doing other things that will give you some joy he is still with you but only in spirit look into your heart for answers he will speak to you there it's where his love is and because he loves you he needs you to overcome the pain and eventually find some happiness in life again
i'm sorry these people have hurt you some can be so insensitive they can never understand what losing a loved one is like unless they have suffered the same don't let them give you any more pain i had worse from my husbands family i carried anger with me for a while and i let it all go in the end these people are insignificant what was important was the love you shared with your husband you were the light and love in his life
i'm sorry i can't take away this pain i can't say tomorrow you will feel better i only have words to say i understand i hope you have family and friends who are there for you life will gradually get better it's not the same you have to accept this you learn to cope and find an inner peace a gratitude that he was here for a while and shared his life with you all the memories come flooding back and make you smile again thats what he gave you these memories for so you will always have his love in your heart
thinking of you hazel xxx hug

j's daughter
February 26th, 2014, 11:18
Hello baglady1st,

I don't have much to add to Hazel's message. I wanted to say how very sorry I am for your pain.

As Hazel tells you, we do recognize that each of us walks the grief path in our own time and in our own way. Six months is still early days for you, and I know lonely and dark days and nights, too.

It's sad that the AA crowd excluded you from their memorial service. I can't begin to understand why they would do that or how any of them would feel it appropriate to do that. Yet, to ease your own pain, you need to take a breath and put that slight beind you.

Yes, people can be hurtful, for no reason I will ever understand. They can also be supportive and warm and welcoming: Those are the sorts you will find here. Please stay with us for a while. We can't promise to take away the pain and sorrow, but we can promise you won't have to face it alone.

You do belong. Although it will take some time, you will find your place again. Please consider your husband is with you still in spirit. You know him, I don't, but I am guessing he wouldn't want to be the cause of your sorrow for long.

You will be in my thoughts.

baglady1st
February 26th, 2014, 23:33
Thank you ladies for your words and thoughts. I'm getting over the fact that the AA people not only harassed me but tried to take my husband's belongings. You know like buzzards on road kill? They were swarming my house and texting 30 times a day trying to obtain his things. What broke the camels back and got those people to step off is when they had the nerve to ask for some of his ashes. That gave me the strength to cut them off and out of my life. Felt really good.
I'm not sure if I will ever belong but I will adjust. With his help. We chat in dreams. We have a strong connection. I'm proud he was my husband and that we met. We loved, lived, laughed and fought hard. It was perfect at least for us.
I will take what each of you have said and apply it. I so appreciate that you took the time to send me words of encouragement. Thank you so much.