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View Full Version : Gone from my life, forever in my heart


Doc Martin
November 7th, 2013, 04:28
I’m new to this and wonder: ‘why am I posting this?’ Well, to be honest partly because I’m told that one way to deal with grief is to write it down, keep a journal etc. Whether this will turn out to be a journal or just a one-off post remains to be seen.

So, my story…

…my wife passed away in September the day before her birthday, we’d been married for over 27 years and together for over 28 years. She had a history of depression but aside from a minor ‘blip’ about 20 years ago had been free of it. Then, about 7 years ago it returned and she had battled with it since then. She had been in hospital a few times and had been on medication since it returned. My wife fought depression off and it would go into remission for a year or two so and then return for a while and so on. However until this September she had been completely free of depression for about 18 months. Indeed she really thought she had beaten it – previously she would say that she ‘wasn’t depressed’ but now she would say that ‘she was really well and it had gone away’. So, she was completely devastated when it returned a couple of months ago. I cannot imagine what it is like but I guess it’s like being told that your terminal illness has been cured only to find out that it hasn’t.

Anyway, on that fateful day I left for work leaving her asleep. When I returned she had passed away. No chance to say goodbye, nothing. One minute she’s there and then she’s gone. Then I had to deal with all the emergency services arriving and, of course, for a while I was under suspicion – soon resolved but strange none-the-less. I had police searching the house, tagging and bagging stuff, taking it away; paramedics doing tests and then the undertaker to remove her body for a post-mortem. I will have to attend a Coroner’s Inquest at some point and re-live everything.
Early reports indicate high levels of my wife’s antidepressant medication but whether it was an overdose (she was taking the maximum dose anyway) and whether any overdose was accidental or intentional I guess no-one will ever know.

I don’t really remember the 2-3 weeks following her passing; I was on some sort of adrenaline ‘rush’ dealing with the police, coroner’s officers, undertakers, family, my three kids etc. etc. I don’t think I really wept until the day of the funeral and then I went back to work – to fill my day and have some sort of structure to my life. It is only now, about 7 weeks later that what happened has actually hit me. I cry every day, sometimes at memories, pictures, particular songs, and sometimes for no reason at all! My concentration is poor, memory bad, no appetite and so on – all the things you read about as part of the grieving process. There is a big hole in my heart and my life and I know it sounds weird but whilst my head ‘gets it’ my heart doesn’t. I ‘know’ that she has gone and yet I haven’t actually moved any of her things in case she comes back – strange I know but there it is! I’m having to re-think all our plans for the future (we were both due to retire in a few years and had started making plans) … and that’s where I am as I write this… I feel as though I’ve literally run into an emotional brick wall and landed flat on my back and I’m just beginning to pick myself up…

hazelharris
November 7th, 2013, 07:24
hi doc martin I am so sorry for your loss and it must have been very difficult for you to share your sadness with us but like you said it is good to share and open up to the grief with others who understand completely the total unbearable sadness
I think many of us would have been the same carrying on like a robot just going through the motions after the passing of our loved ones I look back to those first weeks and its as if a fog came down blanketing my life I can't remember those days at all but when feeling gradually returns from all that numbness it is like crashing and hitting a brick wall all of a sudden I was in a pit of hell and here you are the same flat on your back this is where grief floods the mind with all the different emotions changing from day to day there is no easy answers how to cope through this it has to be dealt with in your own way and time but through it all I want to assure you that with time we accept our loss and the pain will ease at the end all that will remain is love and our happy memories
you and your wife have a special bond of love that will always remain I know with her illness it may have at times been difficult but it,s how every good marriage is loving and supporting one another in times of troubles and you did all you possibly could for her because of the love you shared I tell you this as most of us look for even small things to beat ourselves over or are haunted with the feelings that if only they could have done more rescued them and cured them from illness we wish for the impossible we are not superhuman we just do the best we can try not to suffer the if only thoughts the past can't be changed you did everything you could and you gave her love the most precious gift of all
i'm so sorry you had to go through the trauma of the police seeing you with some suspicion at the beginning don't take this personally try to let it go they didn't know you or your beloved wife and were just doing their job
there are many good threads on here especially from cal I hope you read some of them and they give you the support you need there are friends on here who care are willing to listen and offer our love and help either on your thread or pm as we have been through these dark days and understand please let us know how you are coping thinking of you hazel x

Whitehorse81
November 7th, 2013, 22:13
Doc: So sorry to read about your loss, but it's good to see you writing your thoughts. It does help with the grieving process. This is all so new to you and your beginning to realize what has really happened. I think we are all in shock for the first few months, then one day, it happens....we come out of the shock mode and realize life is different...our loved one is gone, never to return. I can understand your going back to work and staying busy...it's good for you at the time, but working doesn't really take the pain away, or the thoughts. Only time can ease the pain of your loss. How much time, no one knows.

Please don't beat yourself up over how your wife died. I believe most States have laws they have to carry out if a person dies at home. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that....I can't imagine how horrible that had to be.

Try to eat something, anything, and talk to your wife. Let her know how your feeling. Cry if need be, but let it be a good cry. You will know it was a good cry by the way you feel afterwards, lighter.

God Bless you Doc..

Jacquie

Doc Martin
November 19th, 2013, 09:07
Hazel & Jacquie

Many thanks for your kind words. I have more good days than bad days at the moment :) but not a day goes past without me thinking of my wife and shedding a tear :Sad:

Doc