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Libby
September 20th, 2013, 22:02
I lost my mom last December 5 days after she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Tomorrow will be 1 month since my husband passed away suddenly. There was no time for goodbyes in either case. Everyone keeps asking me "how are you doing?". I smile and reply "I'm fine". In reality I am so far from fine. I don't know if I'll ever be "fine" again. I go thru the motions of life but I don't feel alive. I'm empty. I eat when my friends take me out or bring something over, but I have a hard time keeping it down. I actually slept 12 hours the other night instead of the usual 3 or 4. I woke up feeling guilty. How dare I sleep and wake up refreshed when the most important people in my life will never wake up again?

I'm lost. My world ceased to exist. How can I find the will to make a new life when I can't let go of my old one?

Whitehorse81
September 21st, 2013, 09:31
So sorry for your losses Libby. And to not be able to say good-bye makes things harder for you. You can still say goodbye now by speaking with your mom and your husband. I know its not the same, but they will hear you. And sleeping for 12 hours is a good thing, you needed it. Don't feel guilty for sleeping. Take things one day at a time. You are adjusting to this new life, your just not aware of it yet.

may God Bless you,

Jacquie

barbiern
September 21st, 2013, 18:20
Libby:
So sorry for both of your losses. I lost my wife suddenly in May and my dad in July. Adjusting to this new life that we didn't want or ask for is trying, I know. Our lives have been changed forever. Talk to your love ones, they can hear you. I understand your pain. You will learn to adjust and eventually things do get better. Just take things one day at a time. Most importantly, take care of yourself. We are here on the forum when you need to talk to people that can relate to what you are going though.
-Nick

Libby
September 22nd, 2013, 09:13
Thank You Jacquie and Nick for your kind words. Yesterday was not a good day for me. It seems like every day I wake up with different emotions. Yesterday I was so sad I couldn't talk to my co workers, today I am angry. I want to grab my husband and shake him. "Why did you do this to us? You promised to always be there for me, for us."

I wish I could share the circumstances of what happened, but at this point I have been advised by my attorneys not to talk about it, but I DO need to talk about it. There are so many rumors going around. I was even approached at his memorial service by a casual acquaintance. He actually said " I heard rumors but I thought I would get it straight from the horses mouth..... What's the deal?" I just looked at him and told him I couldn't talk about it. He got offended and left. Not that I really care. I keep telling myself that someday I will be able to tell the true story, and put the false rumors to rest.

How do you all get out of bed and face the day? How do you deal with the anger, the profound grief, the emptiness? I feel like I'm trying to walk thru quicksand and the more I try to move forward, the deeper I get sucked down.

hazelharris
September 22nd, 2013, 17:17
hi libby so sorry for the loss of your mum and beloved husband no one can answer the question how we cope no one knows and as time goes on we look back and wonder how we went through the days of such intense grief all the emotins like anger are normal nothing we feel is logical its just a survival of the days it was thoughtless of your friend to confront you with questions people don't understand unless they have been through such grief as yourself one day you will be able to give people answers but hold up your head don't let anyone get to you anger is a heavy weight to carry and you have enough to deal with
you have to adjust to how your life is eventually but sleeping and eating is always a problem just go with how your body feels and dont feel guilty i slept for a couple of hours at night sometimes all day stared at the wall some days played music cried constantly it's so desperately sad just try to remember they love you and need you to be happy again one day it does get easier to cope with in time theres no quick fix talk as much as you can to those around you who care if your still angry with your husband tell him write him a letter get it out of your system all you need to remain from his passing is his love
i send you a hug hazelxx

Libby
September 24th, 2013, 23:53
Thank You Hazel for your reply. Your right, I do need to take care of myself. I need to stop feeling guilty. He used to always tell me that if something ever happened to him that I wasn't to stop living. But living is so darn hard. I used to take things one day at a time, now I live minute to minute.

My house feels so empty. I used to like it when he would go on a fishing or hunting trip for a week or 10 days. I had the remote to myself. Didn't have to cook, could do anything I wanted, but I always knew he was coming back. This is so different. He's not coming back. I miss him. I want him to walk thru the door. I won't even yell at him for dumping his stuff in the middle of the kitchen. I just want him to come back.

I still have my pets, well I still have my cats. My dog of 17, passed away last May. I really miss him too. He was my buddy. We did everything together. I had a small business and Mort (my dog) went to work with me everyday.

Today was the first day that I didn't cry. I came close a couple of times but never went over the edge. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

hazelharris
September 25th, 2013, 16:55
hi libby the empty house screams silence its a feeling of emptyness without them try to have background noise a radio or television on it helps you did well today but crying isnt a bad thing it releases a lot of tension and emotions your days will be confusing with so much changing different deep feelings come to mind to throw you down and sometimes lift you a bit to cope better try to accept how you feel each day and go with it I'm so glad to read you have your cats animals give us such unconditional love i went over the top and bought 3 dogs i lost my dog 4 weeks before my husband passed and i dont know how i would have coped without the love they give me and the're company as well
i know you feel your whole world has ended but life does gradually get better we learn to accept our loss you had a very special love and your husbands love will always remain with you he lived to make you happy and all he would hope for is one day for you to be happy again that is everything he wants because he loves you thinking of you love hazel xx

Libby
September 26th, 2013, 21:09
Another good day. I was so busy that I barely had time to think. I made 24 pints of tomato sauce. My husband would be very upset if I let things go to waste. We are both "country folk" and wasting is unthinkable. Apples are next, I guess it's good to keep occupied with "normal" things. There are things I miss. Like cooking. I have no one to cook for. I just eat whatever comes out of a box or can. I think I'm searching for my new normal.

hazelharris
September 27th, 2013, 13:51
well done libby just remember it will take time to find a new normal but keeping busy helps its less time to sit on your own thinking xxxxx

Libby
September 27th, 2013, 20:55
I do have a lot to do before winter. I have to move the woodpile to my back porch, clean out my garage so I can get my car in and clean my flower beds out. Keeping busy won't be a problem. The question at hand is.....What the heck am I going to do with 24 pints of tomato sauce????

I did have a mini meltdown today at work. One of my coworkers referred to me as a widow. That's the first time I heard me referred to as a widow. For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks.