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janine
June 28th, 2013, 14:38
Each day my heart breaks again.

Matthew and I had only a short time together, but it was the most profound relationship of my life.

We met one night and talked til 9am the next day. A day later we fully adopted each other and begun living together.

I never felt so alike another person, so one with them, so absolutely comfortable. I never expected to feel such a complete perfect love for another. Nor to feel the same back. It was the first time I felt truly understood, believed in, and felt a lover and a friend had my back as I did he.

It has been 4 weeks since the shock of losing him in a car accident, nearly equal to the time we spent together, and each day I feel like I'm just re-living the shock of our reality/life (Mine and Matt's) not continuing.

I turned 50 years old... 3 weeks ago on the day of Matthews memorial.

I know there are no answers... I feel so isolated, but hate to continue on burdening others with my unending woe. I can't afford to do what makes me feel better which is drive/get away...I get some solace enlarging pictures on the computer or phone and stare into his eyes and talking to him. I write a lot, started a blog... ( j9new.blogspot.com ). Writing has been huge in sorting my emotions. But hasn't helped with motivation to go on yet.:(

I don't even feel able to put one foot in front of the other. Started counseling.. but once every other week doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

trying to find some bereavement support groups... just getting out the door is a monumental feat.

It's hard to not be frustrated with myself...I always thought I was a better survivor... But now i don't feel a desire to exist even though I have a son and friends.

I want to be able to view my time with Matt as the magical time it was and let it carry me forward to new life adventures, but it seems nothing and no one will compare.

In my heart I feel my life and dreams are dead.

I am needing a drill sergeant to kick my behind. If I could find a way to... I'd assign that role to a part of myself. But I am unable to find any motivation for anything except to nurse my broken dreams.

If i don't get my act together I'll wind up on the street.

I am sorry for everyone's grief, I cannot even imagine.

gumek
June 28th, 2013, 15:56
Each day my heart breaks again.

Matthew and I had only a short time together, but it was the most profound relationship of my life.

We met one night and talked til 9am the next day. A day later we fully adopted each other and begun living together.

I never felt so alike another person, so one with them, so absolutely comfortable. I never expected to feel such a complete perfect love for another. Nor to feel the same back. It was the first time I felt truly understood, believed in, and felt a lover and a friend had my back as I did he.

It has been 4 weeks since the shock of losing him in a car accident, nearly equal to the time we spent together, and each day I feel like I'm just re-living the shock of our reality/life (Mine and Matt's) not continuing.

I turned 50 years old... 3 weeks ago on the day of Matthews memorial.

I know there are no answers... I feel so isolated, but hate to continue on burdening others with my unending woe. I can't afford to do what makes me feel better which is drive/get away...I get some solace enlarging pictures on the computer or phone and stare into his eyes and talking to him. I write a lot, started a blog... ( j9new.blogspot.com ). Writing has been huge in sorting my emotions. But hasn't helped with motivation to go on yet.:(

I don't even feel able to put one foot in front of the other. Started counseling.. but once every other week doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

trying to find some bereavement support groups... just getting out the door is a monumental feat.

It's hard to not be frustrated with myself...I always thought I was a better survivor... But now i don't feel a desire to exist even though I have a son and friends.

I want to be able to view my time with Matt as the magical time it was and let it carry me forward to new life adventures, but it seems nothing and no one will compare.

In my heart I feel my life and dreams are dead.

I am needing a drill sergeant to kick my behind. If I could find a way to... I'd assign that role to a part of myself. But I am unable to find any motivation for anything except to nurse my broken dreams.

If i don't get my act together I'll wind up on the street.

I am sorry for everyone's grief, I cannot even imagine.

hello dear Janine, so very sorry for your loss, welcome to forum. we are all on that most horrible and unwanted journey on here, I always feel so sad when a new broken heart comes on to share their story. please don't be hard on yourself, this grief cant be hurried we have to go through it, its just about the worst pain we will experience in life. you will feel like everything is gone, over and done with, you have to allow the tears to flow. in time somehow we get the strength to get up and get moving again, I have no idea how we cope but we do. I lost my husband 19 months ago to cancer, I remember thinking my life is over without him, I screamed out often, please come back I cant do this without you, I wont do this without you but realised as we all do in the end that we do cope. I know you cant receive this right now but things will get easier for you, I wish I could say words that will help you and take all the pain away but there are no words dear Janine. there are a few friends on here who will read your post and offer their support, we are here for you, if it will help you, come and talk, say what you need to if this will help, there is only support here coz we understand. I have said a prayer for you tonight to be comforted. pls take care Janine.

sending many hugs and love.

chrissie. xx

SoVerySad
June 28th, 2013, 22:02
Hugs to you, Janine. I am so sorry for your loss of Matthew. It is excruciating to lose someone we love so deeply. I was blessed to have my husband for 31 years, but I remember well when we first got together and were planning our future together. I'm sorry you didn't get to live out those dreams with Matthew.

I am close to your age (47). It is hard to believe I can find a way forward without my husband -to start over at this point. I just want him back - and the life we had planned for our children. The sadness is overwhelming. I have two amazing children, so I am trying very hard to be as present for them as I can. I understand when you say it is hard to get motivated, especially when you can't see anything to look forward to except more misery. I am desperately holding onto the encouragement of the lovely folks here who tell me I will get better with time.

More hugs...
Carol

Halina
June 28th, 2013, 23:59
Dear Janine,

My heart goes out to you...

In any other situation, starting living together after knowing each 24 hours would seem insane. Looking back, it was the wisest thing to do. It was your wisdom and life's wisdom.

Would you be willing to trust that wisdom again? And know that it will lead you on your way forward as well? As others pointed out above, it's a tremendously difficult journey, and it takes longer than you think. This being said, I fully believe that if you let it, it will lead you to a place of peace and meaning, whatever that is for you. But you cannot hurry it.

And please remember: you lost your beloved. But you have not lost love. It's within you. It will always stay with you.

Hugs,

Halina

janine
June 29th, 2013, 09:24
Thank you for the supportive andthoughtful notes chrissie, Carol and the insight Halina. I am glad Matt and I had the time together since Matt was from another state, and visiting a relative in another town an hour away we would have had so little time together had we done a normal dating/courtship. Interestingly I never gave it a second thought...because there seemed to be no choice but to completely be together, it was like a part of me came home.

I am just so empty, more so each day these last 4. I just cannot feel a purpose to be here, except to avoid hurting others as well as helping others as I have a knack for that. But I do not feel like i am getting any fulfillment in anything. My heart and soul moved on with him. It feels like I am not supposed to be here any longer, mission accomplished. I was feeling done for much of 2 years. But I did not feel empty till Matt's death.

I plan to start working out and try to get help...as I would never want my son to hurt in this way.

Halina
June 30th, 2013, 01:29
Janine,

It sounds like it's an entire phase of your life that is ending here. I can imagine the emptiness. But it doesn't necessarily mean that it is the end of your entire journey. It doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds more like the emptiness, the no man's land between the old and the new.

The way out of emptiness is most often not by filling it with something but by allowing it to be. Life will fill it for you when the transformation is completed. Working out, accepting help and taking care of yourself in simple ways sounds good...

My very best,
Halina

barbiern
July 1st, 2013, 14:19
Hi Janine: I am so very sorry for your loss. Matt sounds like a wonderful and loving person. I too loss a love one, my wife Cheryl, just six short weeks ago. She passed away five days after a seemingly routine surgery. She was also 50 years of age. Cheryl was my soul mate and we did everything together. July 3rd would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. I can relate to how you feel. It's a struggle to get up in the morning and go to work. I started grief counseling four weeks ago. While it helps to talk with someone about my loss, it doesn’t take away the pain. Though I've been told that in time the pain will lessen. Things will get better in time. Matt will always be with you in your heart and you will be reunited with him in God's time. Make the most of your life and live it to the fullest. That is what Matt and Cheryl would have wanted us to do. We are all here for you. May God bless you and give you peace and comfort.

Nick

janine
July 2nd, 2013, 15:31
Thank you Nick, I am so sorry for your loss of Cheryl.