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SoVerySad
June 3rd, 2013, 16:53
My husband of 27 years passed away unexpectedly from Sudden Death Syndrome around the end of March. He was an amazing man, my best friend from the time I was 15. The pain of missing him is so deep. We have two wonderful children, young teens. Seeing their anguish and not being able to fix it is so very hard.

I am so lonely for him and so scared of everything right now. I feel like I need to get myself better under control so I am giving more to our children right now, but I can't seem to find the strength. I am overwhelmed with having to learn to do so many things he did around the house, etc.. I think I finally accomplished all the paperwork I needed to do everywhere.

Some days I wish I could just sleep all day to get a break from the pain. Of course, the kids need a mom who is present and doing all she can to give them as much happiness as we can find. Any suggestions as to how to accomplish this when your heart is so broken and you feel so sad?

I am sorry for the losses that have brought each of you here and for all the pain you are going through.

Carol

j's daughter
June 3rd, 2013, 19:11
Message deleted.

tom-fisherman
June 4th, 2013, 05:27
Shalom in Yeshua Carol and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and wanted you to know that I have already said a prayer for you and your family to be comforted.

Everyone here knows what it is like to loose a loved one so please talk about him and tell us what you are feeling. Take each day as it comes. It is also very important to talk about him to your family and children. Celebrate the memories and his life with them as this does help.

I have urged others on this forum to continue to talk to our loved ones as we believe that they can still hear us. Spend a few moments alone with something like a photo or something that belonged to him and tell him what sort of day you have had. I know this sounds hard to do but it does help. You are stronger than you think you are.

May God bless you
Tom

Whitehorse81
June 4th, 2013, 09:12
Dear Carol: So sorry to read about your late husband. 27 years is a long time and to lose him suddenly is a total shock to your system. I agree with Tom on the speaking to our loved ones that have crossed over. I talk about my husband to others as well as to myself. When you need to fix something, ask him how to fix it.

I see you have 2 children as well, and what a blessing you have been given. You have each other. Dont be afraid to talk about your husband with your children, they miss him as well and this will help you relive your memories of him.

The first year is a year of adjustment of life without your partner. It will be lonely and sad at times, but you will see those times become further and further apart. You will miss him dearly as time goes on but you will also move forward with your life and your children will as well.

May God bless you and give you strength for your pain.

Jacquie

gumek
June 4th, 2013, 15:05
hello dear carol, so very sorry for your loss, its always so sad to see another broken heart here but along with our friends I offer a welcome to you, this forum has been such a godsend to us and I hope it will be for you too. carol love, I wish there were some words to take away your pain but they would just be words, you have come to a good place where you will be supported by friends who know and understand your pain and loss so please keep intouch if you can, come and talk whats on your heart, let your tears fall. in time the pain lessons but that's hard for you to take on at the moment, my lovely man will have been gone from us for 18 months this month and I find things are getting easier but if course we all have those days when it seems to all come back but then it passes. dear carol if it will help you we will remember you in our thoughts and prayers. please take care.

sending to you and your children, love and many hugs.

chrissie. xx

SoVerySad
June 5th, 2013, 08:35
Thank you each for your kind replies. The kids and I do talk about my husband frequently and sometimes with laughter. My husband was full of life, always with a smile, and loved to make people laugh. I know the kids really miss his light.

I appreciate hearing that it won't always hurt this bad, even though that is hard for me to believe right now. I also do talk to my husband. I believes he hears me. How I wish just once in a while, he could talk back to me. In all our years together, we never ran out of things to talk about. I think I miss that the most. (That and his hugs.)

Thank you again for your warm welcome and support.
Carol

Halina
June 6th, 2013, 11:42
Dear Carol,

I'm so very sorry for your loss... I can feel the sadness...

It's strange, with children: Having that responsibility seems almost impossible to cope with on top of your own pain, fear and confusion. And yet, it is the same responsibility that might help you create a new life - because they still need you and give you a reason to create the best life you can under the circumstances.

I think it's so very important though not to be too demanding of yourself in that respect. Give them - and yourself! - what is most important right now and what is possible and realistic right now. Right now, you cannot give them happiness. But you can give them your presence and that you do. Just like they give you theirs.

By the way, when, many years ago my brother died, he left 6 children. It was a terrible time for the family and I'm sure his wife felt just like you. She certainly couldn't make the children happy back then - all she could do was try to build a life for them, one day at a time. Along the way things stabilized somehow and eventually all the children grew up to be rather happy and loving people. So, one day at a time...

Are there other family members and friends to support you and your kids in the process? Any chance that your kids can visit them for a day or two at some point (provided it's a place where they would love to spend a couple of days), just to give you a little bit of time to be with your own feelings without having to control yourself?

Many warm greetings from Denmark,

Halina

SoVerySad
June 9th, 2013, 16:58
Thank you for responding, Halina. I am realizing that I need to reach out more to friends and family to help me with the children some - to take them places or go with us, etc, so they are around others who aren't as deeply sad as I am right now. I thought they might offer to do so, but they really haven't. I know everyone is very busy with their own families, but I think the kids need to be around others more right now. So, perhaps I just need to ask.

Thank you again,
Carol

Halina
June 10th, 2013, 01:02
I think that's a great idea, Carol. As you say, people are busy with their lives and even if they might want to help they don't know how exactly. If you ask them for specific support it makes it easier for them and for you. Let us know how it works out!

Warmly,

Halina

j's daughter
June 10th, 2013, 14:52
Message deleted.

SoVerySad
June 12th, 2013, 10:28
Thank you for the suggestion about the summer camps. I will have to look into that.

Thank you also for asking how I am doing. This week is especially hard for me as I am awaiting some test results. I've spent a night in the hospital twice since my husband passed away. So, I have newly diagnosed health issues of my own now. During testing, they found a mass in my liver. I had a CT scan on Monday and am waiting to find out the results. I am filled with fear of something being wrong that would end up taking me away from the kids too. We don't have close family who could step in. It is such a worry on my mind right now, I feel like I can't breathe. I love them so much. I also worry that if something is wrong, I won't have the strength I need to fight because I feel so weak and beat down already from the grief and stress. And then all this fear without my support of my husband. I wish he could be here holding my hand as I'm going thru these tests, etc.. I do believe he is with me in spirit and I'm trying to hold on to that.

Carol

j's daughter
June 12th, 2013, 18:58
Hi Carol,

Just read your post re the tests you are undergoing. How very stressful for you. Just what you don't need at this time! Don't know if you said and I missed it, but how old are your children? You say no one is close within the family, but is there anyone at all you can share your worries with? I understand you don't want to burden your children with more sorrow and stress, but you need to be talking to someone.

You can talk to us here, of course. But not the same as person-to-person contact, I know. Worries shared are worries halved.

Can you ask at the hospital if there are support groups for yourself in your community?

I'll be thinking of you and your children. And hoping for good news re the liver mass. Benign, or treatable - wishing for that. Please let us know how things go.

SoVerySad
June 12th, 2013, 21:00
Thank you for your concern. My children are 13 & 14. I got my test results back this afternoon. My liver actually looked okay, so that was a huge relief. They found a few issues in other organs which will likely need to be surgically addressed at some point, but nothing immediate or dangerous at this point. I am so relieved about that. Now if we can get my new meds adjusted to get my BP, etc. in control, hopefully I can get some of these health worries out of the way. They are trying to adjust these things slowly, because it is hard to judge what is coming from the grief.

I do have a couple of good friends that I am able to lean on for some support. I am thankful for them, although I worry that I don't want to be bothering them.

I was able to take the kids out to dinner to celebrate the good news, so that was nice. They are wonderful - I am so blessed to have them.

Carol

j's daughter
June 13th, 2013, 10:00
Hi Carol,

You're breathing more deeply with relief, I would imagine. Good news! And I think you're wise to hold off on any medications until your emotions settle a bit more. The pain and stress of grief can do horrible things to the physical condition of the body, as well as to our hearts and souls.

The passing of time helps. One day you'll realize you're a little less sad, a little less lonely, and another day you realize you're actually looking forward to something in tomorrow.

This coming September marks the 3rd year point for me. Three years since my mother died, the last of my family to go. It's been a long walk from the ache of loss, but I more and more often look forward to the dawn now.

Having teenagers might make your own journey a bit shorter. Teens have a way of bringing life in the door behind them, don't they?

Hope you and your family are well, and continue to heal. It will happen slowly, but it will happen.

SoVerySad
June 13th, 2013, 17:49
Jannie's Daughter,

I am so sorry to learn that you have lost so many of your family members. It must be very difficult for you. I was raised by my grandparents, who were so important to me. Losing them was very hard - the world just felt so different once they were gone - like an era of my life was over. My children never got to meet my grandmother and my grandfather passed when they were 2 & 3, so they don't remember him. I wonder if my husband is spending time with them now. They were very fond of him and he helped me care for them as they aged and were ill before they passed away.

I wanted to tell you that I am a Jannie's daughter as well. That name is my mother's nickname. Something else we have in common besides our grief.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Hugs,
Carol

j's daughter
June 14th, 2013, 08:30
It's a milestone, I think, when we lose the generation before us. Makes us the ones "in charge," and that can be pretty lonely and scary at times.

I was hardest hit, I think, when my mother died. We were always best friends, but we'd got even closer, I think, because Mom had Alzheimer's disease and I cared for her at home until she died. It's taken me a long while to move forward from that time.

Curious your mother's nickname was also Jannie. My mom was named after her father, Jan. Dutch they were. Well, Frisian, to be exact. "Stubborn" is a characteristic of the Frisians, although I like to call it "steadfast," rather than stubborn. We need a bit of that to get through the hard times, don't we?

I didn't know my mother's parents, but do remember my father's mother and dad. My grandfather on Dad's side came from England to Canada. Was sent as a child to work on a farm here when he was about 10, by England's Barnardo home for children. I remember Granddad telling us he worked the farm "sun up til sun down" and got paid a package of tobacco for his efforts. Interesting past we all have!

Carol, I hope today finds you a little more settled than yesterday. You are doing fine, right where you should be with it all. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two back, but you'll make it.