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IMU1111
January 3rd, 2013, 12:27
Im 27 years old and was doing a study abroad program in Peru for the last 4 months, On december 8th when my semester was over the Love of My Life came down to backpack around with me for a month. However, on December 18th after being without her for 4months only to have her for 10days, on our way to Machu Picchu there was a terrible accident. While white water rafting the raft over turned and she didnt make it. It was so hard to be in a country away from everything to have lost her i felt so alone. Now shes gone the love of my life we were the exact same person and we had such an adventure planned for our whole life. I know shes happy and i know she would want me to continue but im having a hard time. I cant stop crying, everything seems so dull and lifeless. She was my soulmate, my opposite, she was me. I cant take my thoughts i cant stop seeing all the happy experiences we are suppose to have together, i cant stop replaying the whole situation in my mind over and over saying what if, its impossible for me to think about anything else. I feel so alone no one knew me like her we talked for hours about everything and nothing, shes original there has never been anyone like her and never will be again, i feel like im dieng inside. Im not going to harm myself but i so wish i would have went with her. i have so many questions about what to do now. How am I ever going to stop crying, how am i ever going to be happy, should i continue with the dreams we had together or is it wrong because she wont be there to share them with me, am i suppose to be alone for the rest of my life because i dont want to betray her, she was all i ever wanted and needed, im just so lost so lost so lost. please i need help, i cant take this pain, its hurts so bad its manifested itself in physical pain. I have a very good understanding about how our reality works around us and what plane of existence shes made it to, she is lucky she finished all the experiences she needed in this world and is able to move onto next stage. she has sent me messages telling me shes happy when I got out of the hospital and they were taking me back to hostal i was in the car for myself for a few minutes and on the digital read out of the tracks on thier radio a song came on called "No sin Aqui Tu Amor" which means your love is not here and the next track was "Ahora, Yo Soy Feliz" which means now i am happy and she would reach out to me through music, but i feel selfish because its me who's not happy and feeling pain shes not. I just want to hold her and see her smile and hear her laugh the way she smells, every single little thing i miss so very much and i cant take i cant stop crying, i would do anything to be with her anything anything. I feel like starting extreme sports such as wingsuiting and base jumping cave divining etc. The thing is she would be supportive and even would do it with me we were adventurers and in complete control of everything or so we thought we are even fire prefromers she did fire fans so it was like Kitana from mortal combat except with flames and i do fire nunchuks it was our passion but i feel like i need to push it further to hope i can get to her sooner. please any advice on what i should do with my life because it feels over and i want it to be. I hope this post makes sense and im sorry if i ramble but i like talking about her and telling people about her, I LOVE HER MORE THAN WORDS CAN DESCRIBE!!!!!!!!

If anyone is interested here is a video of her and her fans it was our passion and she was so beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY_jI76Z0Ns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5cOtOpFmhM

cal821
January 3rd, 2013, 12:47
IMU1111 I wish I could say something to take the pain away.... But words will not do it ....I know this first hand.

I was widowed in 2008 as my wife of 8 years and two of our children were involved in a motor vehicle accident. My wife was critically injured in the accident and died 10 days later. Myself and our two children children came out of the accident unscathed just bumps and bruises. While my wife... the mother of our 3 children ( 6, 3,& 15 months) suffered and died. I was driving that day... I looked away from the road for a split second ( distracted by my children) and missed a large hole in the road surface which we hit and I lost (control of the vehicle)... So the guilt, the anguish, the pain is even more intensified 100 fold as my
in-attention caused the accident...

So IMU1111 I know and feel your pain.. A few years have passed since then...

I attended grief counselling full time... first off 3 times a week then down to every 2 weeks. I won't BS you .. you are in for a long painful journey dealing with grief...

You will likely have many regrets... your mind will replay all of the "what ifs" over and over and over... until it drives you nearly crazy. You will end up convincing yourself of all of the decisions that you made that were the wrong decisions. As difficult as it is... try not to "go there" in your mind. Believe me forewarned is forearmed.

IMU1111 life will seem to be moving in slow motion for you for the next while. Your heart will ache daily from the pain of grief and loss. FOr the first while to come your going to be going through a hell on earth.. you can't escape it only go through it.. This is all part of the process unfortunately when we lose someone we love.. The process causes us to rebuild,reinvent,recommit and redefine ourselves without the physical presence of our lost loved one.. It will tear you down to rebuild But right now it is raw unbridled anguish and heartache for you.. The searing pain and loneliness of fresh loss...

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm coming off negative here. Everyone grieves differently and at difference intensities... You may have already felt these things or you will it all depends on how you are reacting to life as a whole now and what level of coping you are at...

But on a good note after all the levels of BS and pain and anguish you will gain experience from your grief... Hear me out here please...

Your probably thinking what good will come from all this BS and pain..

Please listen to me first then you can decide if I'm full of **** or if this rings true in you life. You may not comprehend this now but in about a year or two you will in the future.


I believe that we all increase our energy and our knowledge by experiencing the polar aspects of all there is to know. Our knowledge gives us an appreciation and understanding that makes us ever more complete with each new experience. In other words, we learn from experiencing both sides of every possibility. In order to fully understand and appreciate kindness, we must experience cruelty. In order to fully understand and appreciate joy, we must experience depression. In order to fully understand and appreciate health, we must experience sickness. In order to fully understand and appreciate comfort, we must experience discomfort. To truly understand and appreciate Life we must suffer though a death of someone truly close to us. And so it goes for every possible experience that exists, we experience both sides of the spectrum in order to understand and appreciate the opposite. We are meant to learn from every good and bad situation.

so this is the good that comes from understanding.. it is just unfortunate that you must suffer to learn..

I will leave you with this
I cannot say anything the will make the pain, loneliness and loss go away.. but I will say one thing time will give you the experience and coping skills to handle the daily pain of your loss. It will take the biting edge off the pain.. The pain will always be there... it's just not as sharp.. then over time you build up a level of tolerance and understanding.. It becomes a scar that will serve to remind you of your loved one for the rest of your life.

I wish you peace at this time of pain... and clarity of thought in all the morass.. though it may be a while in coming to you. Just remember to breathe and try to take things one day at a time.. Keep talking to us here on the forums.. Use it as a outlet to release some of your pain and heartache.. Remember you are not alone here

Cal821

IMU1111
January 4th, 2013, 01:03
Thank you it is nice to hear what i truely know inside. i have to learn from this because thats what she would want, thats why i experienced it. im just having a hard time because knowing that eases things the void i feel great. I know what to do physically but emotionally im lost.