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bayou316
November 20th, 2012, 22:13
Hi everyone. I am new to the site and hope to get and understand how I can cope with this.

Let me begin by saying I lost my wife December 16, 2011. I was blessed to be able to retire at an early age in life. She fought this very rare cancer for a little over two years.

I have been known as a strong man. I am a veteran and have been on my own since being drafted during my teenage years. I am the third of four children. I have kept my family together. I am the one who was known as the "jokester" or the one who resolved issues concerning matters with mom, dad or family problems.

My wife and I had one super daughter. Her mom got to see her graduate from college with her bachelors in nursing. The daughter has taken it very hard. I was raised by a dad who believed that men don't cry. I have instilled in me that belief. I have served our country during the Vietnam conflict and the first Gulf war.

Now my point. I am having a super hard time this year. I mean to the point of just simply wanting to give up. I take medicine for depression. I still find myself feeling down and out until the phone rings and then I fake it if it's my family on the line. I change 180 degrees. When I hang up; I back into that deep and dark pit of depression.

I haven't cried since the death of my spouse (Vicky). I am in bad shape right now.

I ask for any assistance. I also thank you in advance for any information any of you can provide.

hazelharris
November 21st, 2012, 04:08
hi feeling pretty low i am sorry for you loss of your beloved wife vicky and the grief you are going through you are like so many men i know suppressing their feelings it was the way males were bought up once and thank goodness all has changed and men know it's alright to cry and it's good for them as well it's not unmanly the tears you need to let them go also reach out to your friends and family and tell them how your coping they can't read your mind i know this is hard for you undoing a lifetime of just showing this front but try to take the first step tell them your not coping once you have been able to say something it will get easier you will find it easy to talk to us on here and that may help you get started i hope so we will be here for you
love hazelxx

gumek
November 21st, 2012, 07:30
Hi everyone. I am new to the site and hope to get and understand how I can cope with this.

Let me begin by saying I lost my wife December 16, 2011. I was blessed to be able to retire at an early age in life. She fought this very rare cancer for a little over two years.

I have been known as a strong man. I am a veteran and have been on my own since being drafted during my teenage years. I am the third of four children. I have kept my family together. I am the one who was known as the "jokester" or the one who resolved issues concerning matters with mom, dad or family problems.

My wife and I had one super daughter. Her mom got to see her graduate from college with her bachelors in nursing. The daughter has taken it very hard. I was raised by a dad who believed that men don't cry. I have instilled in me that belief. I have served our country during the Vietnam conflict and the first Gulf war.

Now my point. I am having a super hard time this year. I mean to the point of just simply wanting to give up. I take medicine for depression. I still find myself feeling down and out until the phone rings and then I fake it if it's my family on the line. I change 180 degrees. When I hang up; I back into that deep and dark pit of depression.

I haven't cried since the death of my spouse (Vicky). I am in bad shape right now.

I ask for any assistance. I also thank you in advance for any information any of you can provide.

hello bayou, welcome to forum you have come to a good place of understanding friends who will offer help and encouragement. so very sorry for your loss of your dear wife, especially the way she passed. there are a few of us here who have also lost our loves to cancer also after a 2 year battle and so do know of your pain and lonliness. there isnt a word that any of us can say to take this ache of loss away but can be here for you when you need to talk things through. i know that it is hard for some guys to cry but it is the better way, in crying the pain can be released. my darling hubby was italian he was tough and strong as you are but he cried if someone was hurting or at old movies and laughed till he cried, yes love its ok to cry.
would it help you to come and tell us all about your vicky, we all have arrived to a stage whereby we have come to know eachothers spouses simply by shareing the stories, you will feel totaly out of it next month, my giuliano also died last december, the 7th and so although we have gotten through the first one but we were still in deep shock and disbelief werent we love? so this christmas may be very hard for us. i think of all who have lost their love but havent anyone to turn to for comfort or a hug, and i remember them in my prayers, many have no one to pray for them. i try to focus on all the good thats still in my life and although we start off crying bitter tears after a time they just become tears that can come anytime when we least expect them but thats ok it means were getting through that dark tunnel of grief. i try to encourage our friends and myself too, to hold on to the truth that we all will have joy in our lives again one day and it will be in this life. i dont know what your belief is dear friend but some of us here believe that our loves can hear us when we speak to them, some say they can see us, i believe that too. your vicky and all our loves are waiting to see us one day when its our turn to go home but for now we are all here to complete our journey. i hope i havent caused yu anymore sadness that you are already having to dea withl, so happy you have your daughter she will now be such a comfort to you.
please come to talk, you can always send priv messge if you prefer, no one here judges, we just want to help and support eachother in this very unforgiving world.
your post will be read and you will be supported, my prayer for you dear friend is to be comforted, strengthened and enabled to allow yourself to cry.

god bless you

chrissie, xx

sdk
November 21st, 2012, 08:10
Dear Bayou,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your beloved vicky. As Hazel and Chrissie have said you have come to the right place. This forum has saved my life on many levels. I lost my husband Jim in Jan. 2012 after 2 months in the hospital from complications from a stroke. The emotional roller coster we all are on is very hard to cope with, but some how we continue to get up everyday. I know the feeling of putting on a good front for others. I do that everyday. I also retired 2 years ago to spend time and travel with Jim. He was already retired. I went back to work part time and I go in with a smile and when I speak to my family and friends I act like I am getting better. But I have found that when I sometimes break down in front of them and we talk about Jim it helps. Some of them truly understand. With Thanksgiving coming tommorrow it has been really hard. I just want to stay home by myself, but my kids won't let me and I guess that is a good thing. Keep coming on this site, you have alot of friends here.

Sheryl

tom-fisherman
November 21st, 2012, 08:15
Shalom in Yeshua bayou316, I am so sorry to hear that the death of you wife Vicky has impacted on you in this way. Please know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted.

It is so important to talk about you feelings. Sod the 'John Wayne stiff upper lip thingy' go to your family and talk to them and let it go. You cannot bottle this up it not good for you and it wont get better until you do.

I am no medic but I do think anti-depressants only add to the problems. Doctors issue them far to easily. If you were on them before your wife died then please ignore what I am about to say. 'You are not ill you are grieving, and no chemical pill will change anything for you. You are 'sad' not depressed there is a difference.

If you cannot talk to your family or friends then please do it here. We all have the same thing in common, and you will find lovely caring souls who will listen and offer help and guidance. So please let it go and get it out.

May God bless you
Tom