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Junebug
November 6th, 2012, 07:58
You all have given me so much comfort and hope over the past weeks, and I thank you greatly for that.

I lost my love a month ago today. We had known each other over 30 years, he was my first boyfriend in high school, then we found each other several years ago (again!) and hadn't spent a day apart from each other. We planned on getting married very soon.

But this spring, pancreatic cancer found us and I watched a 46 year-old man, who had the strength of ten, waste away. I watched him suffer so horribly. I watched him awake in the middle of the night, terrified. I watched the love of my life, my whole world, drift away in my arms one morning.

I have been through every emotion; but what I feel mostly is paralyzed. I have returned to work and it is torture. Now that I am back, everyone thinks I am fine and there's no acknowledgement of him. I WANT to talk about him. Share the funny stories! I come home and all I can do is crawl into bed. Sleep is fitful. I always feel exhausted and the grief is physical. It hurts my body.

Does the hurt ever go away? Is it always so palpable? Will I ever have the energy to do anything again? Will I experience joy...

Bless you all for being here - I am so sad that we are here, but we are. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.

j's daughter
November 6th, 2012, 08:49
Message deleted.

gumek
November 6th, 2012, 10:31
You all have given me so much comfort and hope over the past weeks, and I thank you greatly for that.

I lost my love a month ago today. We had known each other over 30 years, he was my first boyfriend in high school, then we found each other several years ago (again!) and hadn't spent a day apart from each other. We planned on getting married very soon.

But this spring, pancreatic cancer found us and I watched a 46 year-old man, who had the strength of ten, waste away. I watched him suffer so horribly. I watched him awake in the middle of the night, terrified. I watched the love of my life, my whole world, drift away in my arms one morning.

I have been through every emotion; but what I feel mostly is paralyzed. I have returned to work and it is torture. Now that I am back, everyone thinks I am fine and there's no acknowledgement of him. I WANT to talk about him. Share the funny stories! I come home and all I can do is crawl into bed. Sleep is fitful. I always feel exhausted and the grief is physical. It hurts my body.

Does the hurt ever go away? Is it always so palpable? Will I ever have the energy to do anything again? Will I experience joy...

Bless you all for being here - I am so sad that we are here, but we are. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.


dear junebug, welcome to forum, so very sorry for your loss of your precious partner. i have read js daughters reply to your post and concur with all that she has said. there are a few of us at varying stages of grief through the loss of our loves/spouses to that terrible cancer. we also watched in agony as our loves dissolved before our eyes, all of our friends here have been and are in the pain of our losses, maybe we can come alongside you in some way, maybe as you talk things through to listening compassionate hearts your heartache will lesson. but it takes time and we cant rush it through, all of us go through grief at different paces, not one is the same. i have told of my hubbys story several times it is now almost the first year, tomorrow will be 11months since he passed. i wish i could say that it will be easy for you, and the tiredness ect can be a normal reaction to grief, our bodies, soul and spirit needs time to adjust, the shock can effect us all differently, it isnt easy my friend. you know june, these colleagues at work or anyone come to think of it, just dont have a clue what y0ur going through, it will help you if you recognise and accept this, it takes a special person who can understand wihout having been there themselves. are you able to spend time with family and friends, if at at all possible they will help and support you.after a while it does seem that even their support lessons and that is where we come in, this forum has been a life support for many of us.

dear june it is very early days for you my love, please dont try to hard to work out the whys, it will hurt and exhaust you even more. i found that writing my thoughts down helped me a lot, i even wrote to god and i wrote down all the things that i had ever said to my giuliano, you know the loving and special things, i have also written a card for his birthday ect. these things have helped me a lot, maybe give them a try, but dont rush, please be kind to yourself. i have started to create a treasure box and when i am able to remove his clothes ect, i will have a few precious things to keep.

dear june please keep talking, your post will be read and answered, some of us will say prayers for you to be comforted and strenghthened.

god bless you.

chrissie. xx

hazelharris
November 6th, 2012, 12:06
hi junebug i am so sorry for the loss of your love and you will feel numb this feeling of being paralised is normal i walked round like a zombie for a long time watching one you love with such a dreadful heartbraking illness gives us an indescribable pain it's hell and now you not only have to come to terms with your loss you have to some way heal from the pain of all you went through grief goes through so many different emotions one day we cope the next in pieces there are no easy answers in how to get through it all time and talking will help you along the way we will all be here for you know we all care for you we feel the pain as we have lost our loves as well so we understand
love hazelxxx

Mart
November 6th, 2012, 12:26
Dear junebug. You can always come on here and tell us your memories the happy and sad ones , we know just how your feeling mine is 6months now and i still like to talk about her she was 49 and my life , you will make good friends on here as I have , we even have a little laugh which does help believe me ,
Keep well love mart x

heavenlygirl
November 6th, 2012, 17:20
:( sigh...so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine losing the love of my life and it makes me cherish my husband that much more. It's such a good reminder to all of us to hold on that much tighter to those that we love and make sure how much they know they are loved.

Junebug
November 6th, 2012, 17:37
I knew I was in the right place.

Thank you all so very much - knowing that you have been in these horrible dark places, yet you so selflessly are willing to guide me? That helps my heart more than you can imagine. I talk with my Mom a lot, but I feel like I burden her. His mother refuses to talk about it at all, which is her way. Hospice promised to keep in touch weekly and I've not heard a word.

I try to be brave and face the bigger-than-ever world, but some days it takes hours to talk myself into turning on the light and getting out of bed in the morning. You know that feeling...like every part of you is filled with lead and you ache; heart, mind, body, and soul.

Again, thank you. I have received more kindness here in a day than I have in weeks. Bless each and every one of you...

xxxooo,
june

oslogray
November 6th, 2012, 18:01
I lost my husband 3 weeks and 1 day ago... I know exactly what you are going through. I am not only dealing with the loss of the person I have loved for 20 years, but attempting to raise our three and two year old. My three year old told me she wanted to die and get her angel wings so she could go see Daddy. I about dropped to my knees from the pain in my chest. Grief is a physical thing that just drains you. I don't think I showered for the first four days after the accident, all I could think was "what is the point?".

I think that you have to find a "point". Right now mine are our children. My husband had always talked about repainting the playroom. So that is this week's goal. I am going to repaint the basement in the color he suggested. I feel a little closer to him knowing I am working on something we both wanted. So try to find a point that meant something to the both of you and focus on it.

That is the only advice I have from one broken hearted person to other.

Junebug
November 6th, 2012, 19:25
oslogray,

I am so sorry about your husband...so completely heartbroken for you.

You are so right about finding that point. I have had some bursts where I cleared out the garage and have scrubbed the walls in the house until I thought the paint would come off. I make errands for myself so I don't hole up in the house. Right now my focus is to stay healthy so I don't get sick with the flu that is going around - that would really be a setback physically and mentally...I want my home to be illness free for awhile.

Tricky things? I cannot go to or from work without passing the cemetery. No way around it. So that starts and ends the day with a jolt, but I am trying to make my peace with it. That is just going to take time, as is everything.

I will be thinking about you and your precious little ones. Thank you for reaching out to me. xoxo-june

oslogray
November 6th, 2012, 19:56
It's funny (in an ironic way) I have the same problem... I also have to pass the accident scene twice a day. I also have to see the truck that hit him everyday. (it is parked in the driveway of one of the roads I use everyday).

I feel like no one could ever understand the nightmare I am living in, then i read some of the post on here and realize I am not alone. :o

Junebug
November 6th, 2012, 20:32
oslo,

You, too? Isn't that the worst? But oh, dear one. I cannot imagine that being so in your face.

I think we are ALL way more connected that we will ever know...;)

my heart to yours,
june

hazelharris
November 7th, 2012, 03:15
hi june how are you coping today ipass the cemetary most days where my mum and dad are it started to upset me at the time silly really as the arn't there it's their mortal remains they are in heaven we can't help it when our loss is new it's agony but sometimes i say a few words love you mum or blow kisses oslogray i think it's inhumane for this truck to be in the driveway and you have to pass it every day send them a letter or get someone to do it for you not everybody is decent i know but they may just be thoughtless and will move it i was sitting here thinking if i was going through this and it's making me angry i want to go and scream at them myself to get it moved i think they are a disgrace but perhaps they are going through trauma themselves after the accident and not thinking straight and a request to move it may work i do hope so
i send my love to you both try to keep busy motivate yourselves to do things and talk to all those who will listen it does help
love hazelxxx

Junebug
November 7th, 2012, 05:31
This is the first morning I have woken and felt human. I don't think it is an accident by any means - but rather the love and concern sent my way. Thank you.

Hazel, if I don't stop by the cemetery, I do always manage to send my love. But it's not like I don't talk to him all day, everyday as it is. I keep a running monologue going. He had always told me that cemeteries are for the living - a place to go to mourn - and that he would be in the clouds and the sun and the wind. That helps. Just the memory of the speed of the illness, the funeral, and the shock is so raw, and always will be.

All of the kind comments have so helped me sort out feelings and given me so much perspective. You all are beyond amazing.

xoxo - june

j's daughter
November 7th, 2012, 07:30
Message deleted.

Mart
November 7th, 2012, 14:03
Hello June
How's your day been , keeping busy is the key don't give yourself to much time to dwell on things , you will get stronger as each day goes by , I go to the cemetery every day , I had my lunch there today sat on the bench and had a chat , it's a bit of a meeting place for us all , take care and don't forget when you want to have a rant we are here for you to rant at
Love mart x

Junebug
November 7th, 2012, 16:57
Today was better. I listened to our favorite music for the first time and it made me smile through the tears. It also brought back some good memories that were wedged in the fog of my brain. I got a good evaluation at work, and although I am heartbroken that I didn't have him to come home to and share, I know that he *knows*. And that he would be so proud - he was so supportive of my career.

Today taught me to not think that things could be better, but to count my blessings that they aren't worse. I am not suffering from storm damage. I love my work (have a job, period!). I have my health. I have people who love me.

I just hurt, like we all do, and it is really fresh and raw and I am just starting down that road of coping. It is a bumpy road and sometimes I feel like I have four flat tires, but I am trying my best to move forward. Thank you all for keeping me headed in the right direction...

xoxo - june

hazelharris
November 7th, 2012, 17:18
hi junebug well done for your progress at work i bet you worked very hard to achieve it know your husband always was and always will be proud of you
you have a fantastic attitude counting our blessings is something we all should do take things easy as all the days can be different up one day down the next it's no easy journey grief as it tears at our heart but stay as strong as you can we are all here for you
love hazelxxx

gumek
November 7th, 2012, 17:28
Today was better. I listened to our favorite music for the first time and it made me smile through the tears. It also brought back some good memories that were wedged in the fog of my brain. I got a good evaluation at work, and although I am heartbroken that I didn't have him to come home to and share, I know that he *knows*. And that he would be so proud - he was so supportive of my career.

Today taught me to not think that things could be better, but to count my blessings that they aren't worse. I am not suffering from storm damage. I love my work (have a job, period!). I have my health. I have people who love me.

I just hurt, like we all do, and it is really fresh and raw and I am just starting down that road of coping. It is a bumpy road and sometimes I feel like I have four flat tires, but I am trying my best to move forward. Thank you all for keeping me headed in the right direction...

xoxo - june

hello june just read your post wanted to say good on ya love, stay with it and keep going, it will hurt but you will get through and yes your love is cheering you on. lov echrissie. xx

Junebug
November 8th, 2012, 06:40
Weird dreams last night.
As a caregiver, do you ever slip back and second-third-fourth-guess things? I know I did everything I was able to with what I had, but often it feels like it wasn't enough. Everything wouldn't be enough - I would have crawled on broken glass for this man.
We knew the prognosis. But still, I worry that he suffered too much, that I didn't advocate enough for him, that I could have made his days easier. This self-doubt and guilt is crippling in the middle of the night when everything is quiet. I pray so hard that he will forgive me.

I'm going to go to work and see if that will wear me out.

Mart
November 8th, 2012, 13:45
Hello junebug
I think all of us who cared for some one in there last days have done that !
What about the if only s and the whys it seems to happen to us all but you know you done all you could and even more than you thought you would be able too
I know I did but we always think it was not enough don't beat yourself up
Take care mart x

hazelharris
November 8th, 2012, 19:04
hi junebug don't beat yourself up thinking you didn't do enough you loved him so every day you did all that was humanly possible we all feel it wasn't enough because we couldn't save them none of us could do any more than we did
we often return to the hell of what we went through with their illness and feel it's still happening but it's not they are at peace reliving these dark days of our past is a phase of our grief we have to try and recover from i know it feels like a double grief in a way grief for the illness and all that we went through and grief of their passing not being here with us we don't know how to carry on without them try to focus on all the good happy times you shared we can't do any more for them now than what we did their pain has all gone they are suffering no more at peace in heaven but their love remains with us always
love hazelxx

j's daughter
November 9th, 2012, 08:02
Message deleted.