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TamLynn
October 28th, 2012, 20:58
I'm glad to have found this site as I am so lost.

I lost my love on July 31st this year...almost 3 months ago.

I can't breath I can't think and all I do is cry.

He faught long and hard against epophigeal cancer...but still even as I watched him virtualy melt away before my eyes I never really thought I could lose him.I feel like this horrible hole in my chest and it hurts and vibrates and it never stops...

I miss him so much I just want to hold him and I want him to hold me.

How do I face a lifetime with out him?

I just can't do it.

I just don't know how.

hazelharris
October 28th, 2012, 21:38
hi tamlyn i am so sorry for you losing your love and my heart reaches out to you i know the hell you have gone through and the grief you are suffering is unbearable there is no way anyone can take away this awful pain you are feeling but on this site we understand your grief and we will all be here for you these first few months is like a deep pit of despair and you have to find the strength and courage to go through all the different emotions each day brings because of this evil illness you look back to all the heartache and pain you both went through over and over in your mind i kept revisiting the hell as if it was still happening try to realise that day has gone he is now at peace all his pain has dissapeared he remembers you your love is always with him love is such a powerful emotion that can never be forgotten even through death love is all that remains in heaven he will feel such joy as he knows you will be together again one day he left his love in your heart to give you strength to carry on i pray you feel his love guiding you through these dark days we are told that our loved ones hear us if we talk to them i hope you can try to do this perhaps sit by his photo and light a candle and say all you need to you may feel comforted
no one knows how to live without their love we all learn to cope differently we have no choice but to walk this heartbreaking and lonely road that seems alien to us acceptance comes gradually i am so sorry there isn't any easy answers but i embrace you with my love and will always be here for you
love hazelxxx

gumek
October 29th, 2012, 08:09
Hello dear tamlynn, I was so sad to read of your loss of your dear husband. You have come to forum where there are friends who do understand what you are gping through and will be here to help and support you. I offer a welcome to you
But always feel sad that we have all become frie nds through heartache and loss of our loves.

Some of us lost our spouses to cancer too and know of the torment of watching that most precious one to us dissolving before our eyes and the helplessness of not being able to make it stop and go away. Hazel and I have shared of the nightmare we were in with our loves and had to keep it all together, keep our emotions under tabs be positive for them often with the sense of being left to get on with it, and we did just get on with it, silent screams. I'm saying all this dear love, not to upset you, no, but so you know that we do care and do understand your pain and longing and you can say whatever you feel, if it will help you toknow that you are not alone, we will be here for you. I'm not going to say that it will be easy for you and I can't offer words to take your pain away, but please keep intouch and keep talking. Love chrissie. Xx

j's daughter
October 29th, 2012, 09:18
TamLyn, I am so sorry for your loss.

Hazel and Chrissie have both said it, and you know it: we bear the pain of our loss alone. At times, it's as if we are the only ones in the world. It seems as if the whole world is dark, and only we are awake and sorrowing in the dark. I know you would like to hand off your pain and your grief, it seems so very overwhelming. Yet, it is yours to carry.

There are no words to offer someone in the early days to ease the weight of loss. Yet it might help for you to know others here have each felt the pain of their own loss, and walk with you in spirit.

As much as you can, balance each sad memory with a peaceful one. Some of us believe our loved ones can hear us, so tell your husband how much you miss him. Tell him you need his strength and guidance for this time and feel the warmth of his understanding.

When you can, it might help to tell us a little about your husband. We listen well, and we're with you in shared grief. There are words that might help you as you take small steps forward when you are ready to do that. I haven't lost a husband but a Mom and all of my family now. One thought that I've found helpful: "Those whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before—they are now wherever we are." (St. John Crysostom).

tom-fisherman
October 29th, 2012, 09:42
Shalom in Yeshua TamLynn, welcome to the forum. I am sorry the loss of you love is causing you so much pain. I want you to know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted.

Watching a loved one die in front of us is always painful, and can be a living nightmare knowing there is nothing we can do to change it. Cancer is a particularly horrid illness, and having watched both my parents and an uncle ebb away I can fully understand how you feel.

You are still in a state of shock right now and you will survive this. You must talk to family and friend who love you. They will understand and will want to help you with your grief. If you cannot do this with them or you have no-one, then do it here. We will all listen and will answer your plea for help.

May God bless you
Tom

Mart
October 29th, 2012, 17:31
Hello
So sorry to hear of your loss , you are going on the journey that is so hard but will ease in time I know you will be thinking your not going to make it but we all thought that and felt we could not go on , it's been 6 months tomorrow since I lost my wife to that horrible disease I to watched a beautiful woman fade in front of my eyes and its heartbreaking , each day you will get a little more strength from somewhere , my heart goes out to you xx mart

kaza
October 30th, 2012, 12:28
Hi there

This is a very sad journey for you for all of us. I too watched as my lovely husband lost his life to that horrid illness.

It has been 105 days for me. But you will slowly start to survive the best way you can. Me i have just gone back to work. Life is so very very different now. I don't really life i just exist.

This is a very friendly and caring site and we are all here to support and share are thoughts.

There have plenty of times i have come on the site to rant and rave. So you are more than welcome to do that.

Take care love and prayers to all

karen

gumek
October 30th, 2012, 16:39
Hello karen saw uour post and just wanted to say hi
How are you coping how's your daughter getting on? We were wrapped in a nightmare tjis time last year. Don't know when it will get betterit is good to keep talking , winter is such a difficult time. We have to make a new life but don't know how. Take care. Xx chrissie.

kaza
October 31st, 2012, 13:31
Hi Christine

I have had a couple of bad weeks just crying at the slightest thing. Just keep saying just can not understand why I have been left all alone to deal with this nasty world.

Had a difficult time at work my line manager has no compassion and sad I should just move on. To which I blew my rag.

Me and Rachel are off on holiday in 17 days.

How are you I keep thinking about you and hope you are safe and coping.


Love and prayers
Karen

gumek
October 31st, 2012, 18:45
Hi Christine

I have had a couple of bad weeks just crying at the slightest thing. Just keep saying just can not understand why I have been left all alone to deal with this nasty world.

Had a difficult time at work my line manager has no compassion and sad I should just move on. To which I blew my rag.

Me and Rachel are off on holiday in 17 days.

How are you I keep thinking about you and hope you are safe and coping.


Love and prayers
Karen

Hello karen love, i cant believe how cruel some people are, they just dont have a clue love just what its like. I was saying to hazel how as the year date approaches i feel sick inside and yes i also cry out to god the question as to why im left alone in this very cruel world. If we think too much we might end up ill, i am trying to focus on the good times and not on what was going on this time last year but its not easy. Please try to ignore these people at work and come here and yell, there is a rule in this universe in that what comes around goes around, not any one of us will live out our lives without going through the losss of a loved one, but what we went through i wouldnt wish on anyone.

Yes im trying to keep busy, hate the lonliness, miss my bears tight hugs and his kisses but i was blessed to have my man in my life for 37 years, i will always love him and i look forward to seeing him again one day, they are waiting for us so hold on in there ok? Keep intouch love, keep warm and enjoy your holiday. love chrissie, xx

TamLynn
November 4th, 2012, 18:05
I keep replying and nothing I post comes up.

I want to thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.

Everyone here is so full of compassion,

I'm just dying inside I hope this post works,,,don't know why others didn't come up.

Bless you all

hazelharris
November 4th, 2012, 18:25
hi tamlyn how are you coping i was wondering why we hadn't heard from you we are here for you if you need us and want to talk
love hazelxx

gumek
November 5th, 2012, 16:48
hello dear tamlin, yes we are still here if you need to talk, ok ?

oslogray
November 5th, 2012, 18:04
I can totally understand your pain. I can't count the number of times I have to make myself breathe before I start crying. If you have the time, I would love to hear stories about your time together. I always loved telling people how I meet my husband, so if you have the time tell me how you meet your love. :)

Chaka
November 5th, 2012, 18:44
Wow, TamLyn,

That sounds so much like what I am going through. All the way home from work, while everybody around me was excited for Monday Night Football in town, I was crying and wondering if there is anybody else alive who could possibly know what this pain feels like. You do. You are not alone. My fiance died on October 9th and I still have to remind myself about five times a day that he is not here and he is not coming back. For the one and only time in my life I sincerely feel like I cannot and do not want to stay on this ride without him. If it was not for my daughter, I'd really consider it. And, since I am an atheist and do not believe in heaven, hell, spirits and all that, all I have is that he is gone. I have nothing like "he's happy," "he's in a better place," "he's watching over me," to give me any kind of comfort. He is just gone and I cannot believe it. I want him to come back. I want to wake up from the nightmare.

Anyway, just wanted to say that you are not alone. I am right there with you. I have no advice. I'm sorry.

gumek
November 18th, 2012, 17:26
I keep replying and nothing I post comes up.

I want to thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.

Everyone here is so full of compassion,

I'm just dying inside I hope this post works,,,don't know why others didn't come up.

Bless you all

hello tamlynn, saw yu online, just saying hi, hope your coping alright. xx

TamLynn
November 19th, 2012, 18:03
Thank you for noticing I was here.

No I am not dealing well, Not coping...I want out...out of this hell and this pain...The constant vibration in my cheat never stops the teers and pain never stop...Seeing him in pain never stops.
I don't have family to talk to. Anyone that was there has gone.
We lost our home and came to my fathers for him to pass but my father has his own issues and is grieving my mom who died of cancer almost 2 years ago and I have to constantly deal withhim wanting to die...And he wants me to go because my pain is to painful for him to look at. I Have to find a job becasue I did not work while he was sick and was able (thank God) to be with my beautiful man the whole time he was sick but I did transcription and have been unable to do anything becasue I can not conncentrate.
Things get worse and worse I am one foot on the street one foot in the hospitol...We have cats..That was our family...we had 3..accidental litter and now we (I) have 7 and love them all and of course extra attached because he loved them so and gave him the only bit of happiness he could get through that horrid pain. One kitten did not leave his side the whole time he was sick and all most died when he did through missing him...dad says Im sick and a horder and throw them out side they will survive ( they werent born outside I cant do that)" you should be bettter you not dealing You not healing fast enough " "You were happier when he was alive and in pain"
We had no money we had nothing...I can barely keep us fed,,,If I lose any of them I so let him down...He had kids to another marraige we had non so this was our family.
Dad wants all the stuff out and taken care of and his family want his stuff gone through and I am frozen, I look at one thing and I fall apart...I am so not ready but the pressure everyone has on me is insurmountable...I can't breath I am frozen and all I want is him...How can everyone be so uncaring and not see I am dying here...Yet they pressure me and no one offers help.

Cold hard truth he really was the only one I could count on..I have lost #30 since his passing and health rapidly failing. VNA counselor advised me not to go through his things yet but I have no choice.

And if we were in this situation and we had been through bad...I know his arms around me saying it will be ok babe..I knew it would.

I never ever ever thought I could lose him...not even to his last breath when he was skin and bone did I believe it...How could I still think somehow he would be ok..somehow.

gumek
November 19th, 2012, 18:22
Thank you for noticing I was here.

No I am not dealing well, Not coping...I want out...out of this hell and this pain...The constant vibration in my cheat never stops the teers and pain never stop...Seeing him in pain never stops.
I don't have family to talk to. Anyone that was there has gone.
We lost our home and came to my fathers for him to pass but my father has his own issues and is grieving my mom who died of cancer almost 2 years ago and I have to constantly deal withhim wanting to die...And he wants me to go because my pain is to painful for him to look at. I Have to find a job becasue I did not work while he was sick and was able (thank God) to be with my beautiful man the whole time he was sick but I did transcription and have been unable to do anything becasue I can not conncentrate.
Things get worse and worse I am one foot on the street one foot in the hospitol...We have cats..That was our family...we had 3..accidental litter and now we (I) have 7 and love them all and of course extra attached because he loved them so and gave him the only bit of happiness he could get through that horrid pain. One kitten did not leave his side the whole time he was sick and all most died when he did through missing him...dad says Im sick and a horder and throw them out side they will survive ( they werent born outside I cant do that)" you should be bettter you not dealing You not healing fast enough " "You were happier when he was alive and in pain"
We had no money we had nothing...I can barely keep us fed,,,If I lose any of them I so let him down...He had kids to another marraige we had non so this was our family.
Dad wants all the stuff out and taken care of and his family want his stuff gone through and I am frozen, I look at one thing and I fall apart...I am so not ready but the pressure everyone has on me is insurmountable...I can't breath I am frozen and all I want is him...How can everyone be so uncaring and not see I am dying here...Yet they pressure me and no one offers help.

Cold hard truth he really was the only one I could count on..I have lost #30 since his passing and health rapidly failing. VNA counselor advised me not to go through his things yet but I have no choice.

And if we were in this situation and we had been through bad...I know his arms around me saying it will be ok babe..I knew it would.

I never ever ever thought I could lose him...not even to his last breath when he was skin and bone did I believe it...How could I still think somehow he would be ok..somehow.

tamlyn hazel and i are here for you right now, we are going to pm you. xx

hazelharris
November 19th, 2012, 18:35
tamlynn chrissie and i have sent messages to you we are very concerned for you don't be afraid to reach out to us we are here waiting to talk xxx

gumek
November 19th, 2012, 18:55
tamlynn chrissie and i have sent messages to you we are very concerned for you don't be afraid to reach out to us we are here waiting to talk xxx

tamlyn, take some deep breaths, we are waiting here, praying for you.xx

hazelharris
November 19th, 2012, 20:00
night tamlynn i'm so glad you found us on here tonight and we were able to talk a while we will be here for you every day you need to talk to us find courage my friend you will find a way to get through never give up hope for better days your partners love will always be with you
love hazelxx