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cal821
June 8th, 2012, 14:48
As I said I would ....I wanted to start a thread discussing some of the callous, insensitive,idiotic remarks unfortunately we widows/ers are forced to hear from people...

I don't mean to stir up anger on the remarks.... just show all of us that we are all in the same boat with some individuals who we can affectionately call " Emotional and Empathically Challenged" for lack of better words. Please understand this is not an inflamatory post in nature... It is meant to broach a sensitive subject for all of us...


Please feel free to post some of the unbelieveable comments or expectations you have heard while in your grief... I can guarantee there are some doozies out there..


Cal821

cal821
June 8th, 2012, 15:32
These are some of the doozies I have faced in the past 4 years.. I think it was harder to understand and try to keep my anger at bay in the beginning.. But over time it is amazing how many self - absorbed people are actually out there.. I think running into them is a challenge to our patience and resolve.. not to just reach out and want to throttle them for their idiocy..

There is stupid, there is ignorance.
Ignorance can be adjusted, stupid is forever....


Here are some of the unbelieveable things I have been asked:








How are you doing financially?"
My response: "why? are you going to write me a check?"

from a close friend "well, something good has come out of this. James and I took a good look at our financial plan and realized we don't have adequate life insurance. You now serve as a reminder to the rest of our group to make sure everything is in order"
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Now you have time to play some golf.
(Right! Gee, and maybe I'll sit in front of TV and get to watch Oprah and ball games, eating tater chips and sucking on some brewskies.)


Some People are Just idiots.
I've had at least a dozen people tell me how lucky for us that the kids are so young, they'll forget her in no time.:mad:

A phone call from a credit company 1 week after my wife's death...
about a bill that was in Tammy's name....they only called when it wasn't paid..
and I was told"You know this will affect her credit rating. ": "Really???? I'm sure she will be very upset about that!!!" Like WTF


I was told by someone not long after Tammy's passing" Just don't think about it"
Really????:mad:

"You need to move on" was something I heard quite a bit from strangers and Acquaintances..

for everytime I heard that I "just wanted to smack them so hard!" :mad:

got more but my responses are a little too X-rated post


Cal( 821 )

hazelharris
June 8th, 2012, 18:58
i was asked after a week what are you doing with the disco equipment

also darren had a letter a day after he died advertising life insurance saying life is short buy our life insurance

i also had dreadful words from people when he was ill
make the most of it he won't live

my nan had that only lived a week

Oonagh
June 8th, 2012, 19:16
My goodness, there are definitely some very ignorant people around aren't there!!! It never fails to amaze me how stupid and thoughtless some folks can be.

A girl that I used to work with, when I told her that Drew had passed over told me '' oh I'm so sorry, but you'll soon meet someone else I'm sure'' - aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh! It's when people say to me ' you'll soon get over it'' that i want to punch them :mad: Or when they say ' well, life goes on''. Yes, I know it does but I dont feel like moving on at the moment. Let me grieve first.

The o2 mobile phone company are STILL charging me for Drews phone even though it hasn't been used for probably 2 years or so. They are even charging me for calls made on it:eek: Unless he has a direct line from Heaven to Earth then it's highly unlikely he's made calls on it :rolleyes: Honestly, it's driving me mad and I have the same conversation with them every month. I've told them to get their finger out or I'll be changing my mobile company. I DO NOT NEED THIS STRESS!!!

Yes, some people are really really stupid! Bless them ;)

sdk
June 8th, 2012, 20:42
some of the ones I have heard:

-your not that old and I bet you will be someone else someday. (Jim only be gone for 5 months)

-I keep getting phone calls for money we owe from an ambulance company. I finally told them if they want to collect it, he is now located in a cementary in New Jersey and I would be delighted to give them his new address.

-my favorite is - you will feel better soon. It only takes time.

Sheryl

j's daughter
June 9th, 2012, 06:55
Message deleted.

cal821
June 9th, 2012, 09:36
Yes I agree with you ... the idiocy of some people's remarks are not limited to just widows and widowers.. And yes people don't know what to say...in their stumbling on emotions or reactions they have a tendency to blurt out stupid things... No one is perfect I understand that.. but honestly it would be better for them just to be quiet... Not say anything at all... is the best thing they could ever do... in my opinion that is..


As to the lunacy of it .. why is that when people who have not experienced any direct loss in their lives or are so tuned out from it... enter a situation with someone who has just suffered a tramatic loss... Out of the "Don't Get it" in their mind's try to fix the situation ... Or make comparissons... Like saying all loss is the same.. as I have said in my posts before... Each loss of a loved one or being is different.... in the fact that the contributions that person or being made to your life.. The more contibutions the deeper the loss and connection to them.. But painting a loss with the same brush and saying "I know exactly how you feel" isn't right either.. So no one truly ever knows what your going through... they can relate to pain.. but not the level or intensity of it or that exact connection the person who has lost had .....


Also there are widows/ers that can and will make comparisons and they can be very crass to newly bereaved widows/widowers as well.. and I have dealt with a few of those people as well.. (Not here Thank Goodness... everyone here is fantastic!!!) but unfortunately they also would fall into the DGI category.

Widowhood does not automatically bestow a great deal of sensitivity or enlightenment in and of itself and if you're ignorant about something, then you're just ignorant about it and there are times when it might be a good idea to not say anything, because people will remember those things.
So unfortuntely no matter where we go we will run into these people who will challenge our patience... test our resolve..

The whole reason for this post is for people to vent about these stupid people... to others who have dealt with the same people.. Kindred spirits yes but also a cleansing post...


Cal821

Oonagh
June 9th, 2012, 10:13
I have to say that I didn't have a clue regarding grief and bereavement until I experienced it for myself. I had no Idea just how intense it was. I dont think I'm stupid and like to think that I'm an intelligent person, but I never knew how to approach anyone who'd lost someone. Therefore I learned to go up to them and give them a hug, and just say 'I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm here if you need me'. I also thought that people 'got over' grief quickly - I'm so ashamed to say that, but as I said, I had no idea what it was like. I certainly do now and I'll definitely be reacting differently from now on, and with much more understanding.

One of the other things that annoys me is when people talk to me but dont mention Drew. I understand why they do it, because they dont want to upset me, but it's more upsetting when they dont talk about him. I like talking about him and what he said or did, especially the comical things:) Just because he's not physically here anymore, doesn't mean we dont talk about him.

I get angry because death isn't talked about enough in this country. It's all hush hush, and it's silly because it's part of life. It's a huge thing that we all experience at some point and so why the hell isn't it talked about in the open! I SO wished that I'd been more aware of what was going on when Drew started to close down. I also wished that someone had explained what would happen as he grew weaker and weaker. I was so bewildered and confused by it all and no one ever took me to one side and said '' this is what's happening now''. Ofcourse, we're in such a state and not thinking properly anyway, and I honestly think it's not handled properly. Not for me anyway. It's something I feel very strongly about. And dont get me started about the hospital..........:mad:

cal821
June 9th, 2012, 11:03
Oonagh I hope I haven't upset you here with my thoughts and posts... The whole purpose of this post was to help us all cleanse the negativity we were subjected to by others..



To answer you question on why Death is not spoken of openly....
Fear, guilt, apprehension, fear of one's own mortality are some of the real reasons death is not talked about openly.. The list goes on and on.... It stems from our parents beliefs and their parents and so on.. Handed down over the generations.. It is easier to change the subject, or not talk about it... and move on because Death makes people feel uncomfortable.... When you are feeling uncomfortable it is easy to side step the issue... There are too many reasons personal and not why people will not face one of the most certain things in this life...


Cal821

j's daughter
June 9th, 2012, 11:46
Message deleted.

gumek
June 9th, 2012, 15:51
Oonagh I hope I haven't upset you here with my thoughts and posts... The whole purpose of this post was to help us all cleanse the negativity we were subjected to by others..



To answer you question on why Death is not spoken of openly....
Fear, guilt, apprehension, fear of one's own mortality are some of the real reasons death is not talked about openly.. The list goes on and on.... It stems from our parents beliefs and their parents and so on.. Handed down over the generations.. It is easier to change the subject, or not talk about it... and move on because Death makes people feel uncomfortable.... When you are feeling uncomfortable it is easy to side step the issue... There are too many reasons personal and not why people will not face one of the most certain things in this life...


Cal821

Hi everyone just read all the stories,some things said to me have been hurtful, others laughable. the worst was being told by a pastor that Giuls wasnot my husband anymore, i know that i have mentioned this in prev posts but this made me feel like i wanted to die, i felt abandoned and forgotten, his wife took the phone out of his hand, i tthink she wanted to murder him. this same man told a story of a woman who lost her hubby and at the funeral announced that that was all behind her now, all what i asked?
he said oh she decided that that was all in the past now, oh i said she suely couldn't have loved her husband, asnswer, oh yes they had three children, stupid p----t.

others have suggested to me, oh your still a looker, someone will come along
even bigger p---t.

you should have gotten rid of all his things by now love, (2 weeks after)

you know we all could go on couldn't we, i wished i had a gattling gun at times. good thing i didn't ent it? chrissie. xx

sdk
June 9th, 2012, 16:58
Hello all,
I haven't told anyone this except my children.
I think the worst statement I heard was when my daughters in-laws came to see me right after Jim died and said that turning off life support was considered murder among orthdox jews. (I am jewish and surely don't believe that.) I had my son-in law quickly ****** them out of my house and have not seen or spoken to them since.

sheryl xxxxxx

Oonagh
June 9th, 2012, 17:40
Hello Sheryl,

That was disgusting that they said to you and well done for getting rid of them. Honestly, people talk such crap and I only hope that they are never in the same position one day. I cannot believe the things some people come out with, and I would never, EVER say something like that to anyone, especially in such a situation. They show how ignorant they are, and unfeeling. xxx



I've sent Dave a message telling him that he didn't upset me by the way, in case anyone else thought that I was upset. I just get carried away with my moaning :) I could moan for England but wont do it on here!!xxx

gumek
June 10th, 2012, 02:19
sheryl love, i'm astonished at their remarks, thank goodness someone was there with you to chuck em out, hope your ok darling.

gail, your not a complaner, this place is a safe place to say what we need to say, thats what were all here for.

dave, none of what you have raised in this discussion is offensive, these things are better out than in. thanks

I can't speak for all of us but i do reckon that anger through others careless words are better dealt with asap, because if we hold onto things inside they have the nasty habit of turning into bitterness and only end up hurting us, they just go around totaly oblivious to the hurt caused, scott free. Maybe thats why God says "forgive less you be not forgiven", just a thought!!!

have a better day than yesterday all. hugs chrissie. xxx:D ;)

Oonagh
June 10th, 2012, 08:52
Ok, thanks Chrissie, then I'm gonna vent some more!!

Fortunately, although my dad was ill for sometime ( we dont really know how long because he kept it hidden from us - I really find that amazing), the worst of it didn't last too long at all which was a blessing for all of us. During the final week, he was bed-ridden and his mind was drifting, and we couldn't understand what he was saying most of the time. However, he had moments when he was lucid, usually with my mum. He still insisted on going to the bathroom even though he had a commode in the bedroom. A district nurse visited him one day and we took her upstairs to see him. He was just getting out of bed and had nothing on as it was warm, and, I know that I keep on saying this, but it's something that stays with me, you could see every bone in his body, he was so thin. He made it clear that he didn't want us watching him, and I immediately went back downstairs, expecting the nurse to do the same while my mum helped him to the bathroom. The nurse remained with him, upsetting my dad even more, and followed him into the bathroom! From downstairs we could hear my dad shouting 'go away' at her, and yet my mum told us that the nurse found it funny! None of us said anything at the time, I think at those times your mind just isn't 'with it' at all. But later on my mum was, and is still, extremely angry at the nurse, as she upset a very weak, dying man. I know from my own experience that some nurses are hard and dont seem to listen to their patient or the family. When Drew was dying, he told me that he was still in a lot of pain, and I asked the nurse to give him something for it. She looked at him and roughly said ''well he doesn't look in pain to me''! I honestly think that some nurses become immune to their patients suffering after a while, although I do have to add that there are lots of brilliant, caring nurses too, I know. We are going to complain about how that nurse treated my dad, as it's really upset my mum and also, we dont want her doing it to another poor soul.

I have to say that, on the whole, we weren't at all impressed with the way the hospital dealt with Drew when he was diagnosed with cancer. It was as if no one knew what was happening, and none of the departments were in contact with each other. When he first was taken into hospital, we were clearly told about 4 times that it wasn't cancer! It took 6 months before a consultant realised what was going on and confirmed what it was. Drew already had his suspicions. They lost test results so they couldn't tell if the cancer had spread or not, one time we went to an appointment to be told they had given us the wrong date, and every single time we saw the consultant, he never remembered that Drew had a catheter! Poor Drew used to get so wound up and I had to try and keep him calm. In October last year they told us that everything was going well and for Drew to come back in 6 months. I was quite surprised as by then he could hardly walk and his legs kept giving way under him. He needed a wheelchair to get around the hospital. In November they sent him for a bone scan, and when I saw the results ( Drew didn't want to look) I realised just how much the cancer had spread. In fact it made me feel very sick. He passed away in the January.
It's no wonder that my dad refused to go into hospital after hearing all this!

Ok, venting over for now :mad:

gumek
June 11th, 2012, 08:15
shalom sheryl, just saw you online, wanted to say a quick hello, hope your ok love, had a good weekend, give a big hug to little heather, she's gorgoius.

speak again soon, take care love.

xxx chrissie. :p

hazelharris
June 11th, 2012, 11:56
hi oonagh in reply to your thread it always feels bad when we complain about hospitals nurses etc i remember i put a whole thread on telling my horrific experiences that we went through with macmillan nurses doctors and hospital and errased it as i felt guilty
there is a lot of exceptional caring nurses and doctors out there and it made me feel bad tarring them with the same brush but you are right about not wishing others to have such bad care in the future and things need to be said
part of my grieving is the anger i can never forgive at the moment and i know i have to accept what happened as anger eats away at the soul but i could write a book about the dreadful treatment all the way through darrens illness from 8 doctors mistreating him for ibs for a year to telling him he was alright and going home from hospital 5 mins later on his own was told 6 weeks to live right up until he was refused a bed at the hospice by a very uncaring and cruel doctor i won't rant on with all the rest in between but it's unbelievable what we went through
say it get it out of your system report those who need to be made aware of your distress with their lack of care and try to move on from it we can't change the past it's gone in a small way we may be able to improve the care for those in the future (i hope)love hazelxxxx

sdk
June 11th, 2012, 12:58
Dear Oonagh and Hazel,

I have aso writen about my experiences with the hospital, doctors and nurses that took care (or did not take care him). At first my anger was so intense but not that I have calmed down a little I am prepared to do something about it with a clear head. Everyone tells me to drop it, its not worth it and it is not going to change what happen but I need to do this for myself and for others that will be in the same hospital. I have a copy of all his medical records (7997 pages) and every x-rays, cat scans he took. I am in the process of reading it and taking notes of the errors, omissions and inappropriate comments I find. I e-mailed the CEO of the hospital and asked for an anppointment. If I do not get a response, I will call and if he refuses to meet with me I will go to the local newspaper and beyond.
I will keep you all posted on my process.
Keep at it unti you get satisfaction for you and Drew and Darren as I will for Jim.

Hugs,
Sherylxxxxx

Redfoxx
September 7th, 2012, 16:50
When my wife of 37 years passed on I phoned a friend with whom I worked with for 26 years to tell him the news. She was a very successful and empathetic accountant (a rarity, I must admit) and the first thing he told me after I finished was " I guess you will have to find a new accountant now". Being a Christian I have finally forgiven him but cannot ever forget that he said this.

gumek
September 8th, 2012, 04:20
hello redfoxx, oh what to do with hese unfeeling fools hey? i come to forum daily to read the posts and offer prayer but wanted to say hello to you. the worldtoday seems to be getting worse by the minute, there was a time when it was ok to mourn the loss of a loved one infact itv was expected, jacqui kennedy refused to wear her jewels, only her wedding band and wore black for one year in honour and respect for her loved husband, nobody blincked an eyelid at this, of couse some heartless ones had something wicked to say but mostly we respectfully acknoleged her sorrow and grief. i'm always sad to read on forum of another loss and broken heart, so sorry for your loss of your precious lady. my lovely husband also was taken home through cancer after a two year battle, yesterday was 9months since he went and the pain in my heart seems less some days but something out of the blue can trigger the ache and sadness off all over again, crazy isn't it? this morning whilst inthe bathroom i was just aboutto call out to giuls, what shall we have for brekkie today and then remembered and my heart sank. you have said that we will never be able to get over our losses and i think you are right redfoxx. i am also a practicing christian and also believe that my love is waiting for me to be called home but we have to carry on with this life until that day comes don't we? i wanted God to take me home too, i was prepared to swap places with my giuls but GOD was silent.

i think that we all go over the things in our minds that we thought we had a lifetime to say to eachother and i now encourage friends, family, even strangers, i encourage them to tell those they love, every day to say those words, I LOVE YOU, why this is so hard for us i just don't know. it is so obvious, all a baby or child needs is love and food, why we think that changes in adulthood i djust don't know.

in coming to this forum i have met friends who told me that giuls can hear me if i talk with him and this gave me great comfort, the church that i attend dosen't teach this and they also told me giuls wasn't my husband anymore, this almost killed me, something inside me died from the pain of this, i thought that i had been abandoned by giuls and the lord. and so the friends told me that i am not forgotten, giuls can hear me i am now ok. oh and the lord has revealed to me that giuls is and will be forever my companion, i have forgiven my pastor after all he is only human isn't he? giuls and i were togeher 37 years, wed for 34, how can life long lovers hear those words, how cruel?

well dear redfoxx, i'm glad to have met you on forum but sad it is because of our broken hearts, please be forever blest.

chrissie .

gumek
September 8th, 2012, 07:46
hello redfoxx, oh what to do with hese unfeeling fools hey? i come to forum daily to read the posts and offer prayer but wanted to say hello to you. the worldtoday seems to be getting worse by the minute, there was a time when it was ok to mourn the loss of a loved one infact itv was expected, jacqui kennedy refused to wear her jewels, only her wedding band and wore black for one year in honour and respect for her loved husband, nobody blincked an eyelid at this, of couse some heartless ones had something wicked to say but mostly we respectfully acknoleged her sorrow and grief. i'm always sad to read on forum of another loss and broken heart, so sorry for your loss of your precious lady. my lovely husband also was taken home through cancer after a two year battle, yesterday was 9months since he went and the pain in my heart seems less some days but something out of the blue can trigger the ache and sadness off all over again, crazy isn't it? this morning whilst inthe bathroom i was just aboutto call out to giuls, what shall we have for brekkie today and then remembered and my heart sank. you have said that we will never be able to get over our losses and i think you are right redfoxx. i am also a practicing christian and also believe that my love is waiting for me to be called home but we have to carry on with this life until that day comes don't we? i wanted God to take me home too, i was prepared to swap places with my giuls but GOD was silent.

i think that we all go over the things in our minds that we thought we had a lifetime to say to eachother and i now encourage friends, family, even strangers, i encourage them to tell those they love, every day to say those words, I LOVE YOU, why this is so hard for us i just don't know. it is so obvious, all a baby or child needs is love and food, why we think that changes in adulthood i djust don't know.

in coming to this forum i have met friends who told me that giuls can hear me if i talk with him and this gave me great comfort, the church that i attend dosen't teach this and they also told me giuls wasn't my husband anymore, this almost killed me, something inside me died from the pain of this, i thought that i had been abandoned by giuls and the lord. and so the friends told me that i am not forgotten, giuls can hear me i am now ok. oh and the lord has revealed to me that giuls is and will be forever my companion, i have forgiven my pastor after all he is only human isn't he? giuls and i were togeher 37 years, wed for 34, how can life long lovers hear those words, how cruel?

well dear redfoxx, i'm glad to have met you on forum but sad it is because of our broken hearts, please be forever blest.

chrissie .

Rayzsvt
September 14th, 2012, 16:32
After returning to work, a week after my wife passed away. I had a co-worker asked why was I back to work and suggested " why didn't you take a trip somewhere". I got mad quick and replied" with who? The one that I would go on a trip with is gone". He meant well, but some people just don't know what to say.

benzo
October 13th, 2012, 10:17
A few hours after my husband died someone told me:"God never gives you more than you can handle." Really? I was very close of smacking that woman, but my mother-in-law(God bless her) stopped me.

Nowdays I get: " God had a plan for him. or He is in a better place" and also the pity looks with the tilting of the head "So how are you doing?" "How the F*** you think I am doing?":mad:

hazelharris
October 13th, 2012, 12:33
hi benzo i am so sorry for your loss and to your mother in law and family
my heart goes out to you all
the trouble with some people they hear these sayings and think that sounds like a good thing to say try not to feel too much anger towards them no one knows how you are feeling they can't begin to understand unless they have suffered the same if they say anything at all to you they mean well some of us have been ignored by friends who we thought would be there for us and they don't know what to say so we end up being avoided and that hurts as well
we have all suffered a loss of a loved one on here come and talk to us if you need to we offer our friendship and understanding in your grief we can't take away your pain i wish we could but we are all here to listen and help you as much as we can
love hazel

gumek
October 13th, 2012, 14:17
Hello benzo, so sorry for your loss and for all the unwelcome comments from ones who have no idea what your feeling or going through right now. Our friend Hazel is right in that people just don't know what to say and so they often say something stupid. But your comment did make me giggle love, sorry i'm not wanting to be flippant but we all have had this some time or other and could have done worse i expect. Welcome dear friend to forum, we are all walking wounded andi hope that we in our grief will be able to support you in some small way. Its a good thing to let out a rant from time to time too. I wish i could say that one thing we all want to hear but i can't,but i can say that the only thing we can do is take a day at a time, we are all different as to how we greave and no one can tell us how to cope.

Benzo love, are you able to tell us about your dear husband it may help you. One of our friends here and myself have cried on the phone but have ended up laughing together, this world of grief takes us by surprise not to mention the dreaded widows brain. If your able, keep intouch don't keep it all in, ok?

take care

chrissie.

Ps, i will remember you in my prayers, please don't shoot the messenger.

benzo
October 13th, 2012, 20:29
Hi Gumek

My husband was 34 yrs old and flew to see a concert. Unfortunately I couldn't attend that concert, but he stayed with his parents. we talked the night he died for 1 hr and 17 min, he told me all he did during the day, we laughed and he went to bed and didn't woke up. The doctor thinks it was a blood clot. We've been married for 1 yr and a half. he truly is the love of my life. Sometimes I just wanna scream cause I still can't believe he isn't around. I keep waiting for him to tell me it is all a joke.

gumek
October 14th, 2012, 04:48
Hello again dear friend, I just can't even imagine the pain and the shock of the way you lost your dear husband,it is bad enough when we are expecting and prepared fot our loves going from us, my heart goes out to you.we don't have allthe answers and none of us are experts but what we do all know and have experienced in our lives is the loss of that most precious one in our lives and so try to be here for eavh other share the tears and sometime the laughter too.
You know love, people who haven't been through this just don't have a clue of course there may be exceptions but we just can't know till it happens can we.
People don't act dumb on purpose they just don't understand. We all have seen neighbours run indoors rather tha n face and speak to us,sad isn't it? Sometimests just a caring listening heart, that's all we want and sometimes our loss brings home to them tje realisation that we all have a departure date when we will be collected and returned home. It isn't always fair wjen someone so young is taken frkom us,it flipping well hurts. My lovely mum used to tell us kids when we were small that when every person is born a candle is lit for that person in heaven, she said some have very tall candles but some have littleu candles and when the flame goes out the angelbrings us back to God. She didn'tknow about great theoligy but this had always stayed with me and in some
Way comforts me, probably nonsence but oh well just a thought.j

I hope that we can be here for you, please keep intouch allow uour tears to fall and try not to pay any attention tothose stupid remarks. Please take care hope speak again soon. We are allhere for you.

Love. Chrissie xx

benzo
October 15th, 2012, 21:34
I am so happy I found you guys. I needed someone to talk to.
Thank you

oslogray
November 5th, 2012, 11:46
using a a MAC for the first time and can't figure out how to click in the message box to make it work, so I am replying to another post.

My husband was killed three weeks ago today in a car crash. Our children are three and two. We were married for almost 15 years, but together for 20. I have no idea how to function right now. I just pretend that he is away at some job training and will be home in a few days. Yes, I know the truth and I am not crazy; but it helps when doing the dishes or cleaning up after the kids.

oslogray
November 5th, 2012, 12:06
“Maybe it is better that your children are so young, they won’t remember the tragedy” Yes, because memories of a loving, caring, involved, wonderful father would be to much to bare.


“It’s probably better that he died, you know he would have hated to live in a wheelchair or something” first: thank you for telling what my husband would have wanted, and your name is again?” second: yes, being alive (even in a wheelchair or such) and watching his children grow would have been too hard for him.

“Well, he wasn’t home a lot anyway; so it is not like you will miss him that much” Yes, the man I have love since I was 18 years old is now suddenly gone FOREVER and I won’t even bat an eye.

And the BEST ever: “Oh, that was your husband that died in that crash, wasn’t it all his fault anyway?” Yes, he over corrected on a dark, wet two- lane country road and meant to get slammed by a huge 4X4 truck with a roll grill. He deserved it. :mad:

Chaka
November 5th, 2012, 20:17
D was a lifelong Harley-Davidson enthusiast. He went to the same Harley store for 20 years -- and was very good friends with the parts manager. Since the H-D he gave me as an engagement gift was in his name, I had to, to make my own life less complicated, turn it over to his ex-wife (mother of his only three heirs). That took me back to H-D to look at a replacement bike. A salesman, who knew D for years and who had seen me at H-D many times, ALWAYS with D, and who knew that D had proposed with a new H-D, was assigned to show me around. He shook my hand and offered condolences and, as I started to cry, I said "Thank you. I don't want to talk about it, let's just look at some bikes." I found a bike I liked and made a deposit.

Two days later, I get a text from an unknown number.

"Let me know if you want to get a taco and a beer." (signed his name)

I was confused. Maybe he was just trying to be nice? I didn't respond.

An hour later: "Not trying to be forward, I just like you."

What?!?!?! At this point, D had been gone less than TWO weeks!!! I was stunned and ignored it.

An hour later: "If I offended you, please forgive."

When I got home that night, I wrote: "I'm sorry....... [I resisted adding "Dumbass!"] I'm still trying to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and figuring out how I'm going to live without D."

He wrote back: "I understand."

The whole conversation dumbfounded me!! I was in shock. Really? You're asking me on a date when my fiance, who you knew well, has been dead less than two weeks? Really????? Grrrrr..........................

Chaka
November 5th, 2012, 20:25
"So how are you doing?" "How the F*** you think I am doing?":mad:

I can completely relate to this!!!!!!! I want to scream "I'm horrible! Life sucks! I hate being here! I want to run away! I don't want to talk to or seen anybody!" In other words, what you said, benzo "How the F*** do you think I am doing????????"

This part of your post made me smile.

Chaka
November 5th, 2012, 20:30
And the [B]BEST ever: “Oh, that was your husband that died in that crash, wasn’t it all his fault anyway?” Yes, he over corrected on a dark, wet two- lane country road and meant to get slammed by a huge 4X4 truck with a roll grill. He deserved it. :mad:

Wow............I don't even know what to say. How could another human being even form those words and speak them to you?

I'm sorry. My heart aches for you, oslogray. Like you, my pain is new. D, my fiance, died four weeks ago tomorrow.

benzo
November 7th, 2012, 22:09
oslogray i feel for you dear. The things that some ppl told you are just AWFUL. What were they thinking? Geez.

Chaka, so sorry to hear about your husband.

Gals just hang in there. Just take step-by-step and keep yourself as busiest as you can. I work and volunteer at the library so I won't be alone with my thoughts, but nights are the hardest, nothing can make me sleep (i am thankful if i get 4-5 hrs of sleep).

Be strong girls!

pw5599
December 26th, 2012, 07:28
Benzo nailed it for me. I've come to loath that common greeting. For years it's been a greeting when passing someone by. For me, at work where I pass by many, many people each day it's, Hi....How are you doing? As the two people continue walking it's automatic, I reply Fine, how are you" As we pass each other I hear a "fine" come from behind me. Just part of everyday life isnt it.

Well now that comes with a concerned tone of voice, a softening of the eyes and as Benzo put it so well, a tilt of the head. I get one or both...How are you, and/or How is she. So...I know right now I am not fine, I'm quite screwed up and as for her, she is in the midst of a terminal disease that's taking her body and soul. So how am I you ask? WTF do you think?? I usually try to hold my tongue but for a few unlucky concerned friends and family they have been at the receiving end of a string of profanity laced honest truth from me as an answer to their question. Honesty is the best policy afterall, isnt it?

I know they mean well and most people including me dont know what to say to someone in such a bad situation. I actually feel for them, having to face me and struggle with what to say to me. But I have expressed my dislike for that how are you question to several friends and family members.

A phone conversation with a good friend recently went like this...I answer and say hello, she says, how is she. I say F***in crappy. How are you? she says. I'm tired and feel crappy as well. She says, is she there? I say, no she's out dancing. She laughs hysterically, and says Ohhh really? I say bye and hang up. Luckily she is a close friend and understood and didnt get too offended!

2nd on my list is...Let me know if there's anything I can do. A nice gesture for sure but a better way is to say....I want to do (something specific) for you. Or just do something. Like the other night after being at the hospital all day I drove down my street and went to pull in my driveway and my neighbour was shoveling my driveway. We had quite a bit of snow fall throughout that day.

Great thread Cal!

Phoenix329
January 10th, 2013, 16:10
So, I know I am late to this thread, but having just found this site I thought I would add the heartfelt items that were said to me:

1. (Thanks dad for this one). "I just want you to know, there is an appropriate grieving period and if you are not through grieving by then, we will be having a serious conversation." I mean what do you even say to this? Certainly not the 20 or so snarky things that popped into my head at the time.

2. (I believe this one was from mom). "Well, you two were not actually married yet so I guess you should be glad for that." Yup, made it much easier when I found him not breathing and tried unsuccessfully to revive him.

So those were the ones that really stuck with me (other that the ones that have already been mentioned).

mike429
March 10th, 2013, 23:18
Its just unbelievable the things people say before they think. I have herd so many stupid things in the past 2 weeks its unreal. Most people mean well, while some I believe are just plain stupid. The worst thing I herd will stick with me forever. A good friend of hers was at hospice house with us when she passed. Shortly after I was with my two daughters and this is what came out of her mouth." Where's a vampire when you need one, she could have been immortal." I looked at her in disbelief and asked did you really just f***ing say that. I couldn't believe my ears and don't know if I'll ever forgive her.

j's daughter
March 11th, 2013, 06:58
Message deleted.

cal821
March 11th, 2013, 11:44
J's Daughter... I agree with you on several points.. But the whole premise of this post was to offer a place to vent... yell .. scream.. own the anger that people have caused with insensitive remarks or have blurted out stupidly..

I understand where your going with trying to look at the other side of it.. But as I started the post as a focal point for getting things off the chest.. When we are grieving every nerve is supercharged and frayed...we are super sensitive to things... this post was to bring the feelings of anger.. frustration and disbelief to the surface.. to start the process of healing..

Searching for forgiveness of these stupid remarks and things that people have crassly said...yes that should happen too.. but dealing with things one step at a time in a systematic approach is also the best way to deal with things when a person's world is still spinning out of control from their loss.

I also believe the positive channeling of the anger of a grieving person should come afterwards after that person takes responsibility of their reactions and takes ownership of it.. Then that person can start on the aspect of the forgiveness for these insensitive remarks..


It's okay to be mad or Pi**** off in your grief.. But staying that way is "NOT OKAY!!!!"
I'm a great advocate of forgiveness.. but trying to tell people what you need them to do for you when everything is upside down is not the easiest thing to do.. Better to go with the natural course of things first.. then look at what you can do to ask for help afterwards.. If they are truly interested in helping you in your time of need they will stand by and offer their assistance.

Anger like sorrow is an emotion that is transformative in many ways.
It's like a boiling pot with a clamped on lid.. at some point the pot is going to blow the lid off...That is the natural release of a stressful situation.

Cal821

j's daughter
March 11th, 2013, 14:00
Message deleted.