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GeoffB
May 20th, 2012, 12:20
My wife passed away on the 28th February this year. She was only 57years old. Ironically, she died 1 year to the day that I finished work. I took advantage of an early retirement plan that was on offer. We did not have plans to paint the town red or indulge in round the world cruises. Being together and just involving ourselves with the simpler things in life would have been contentment enough. Growing old together now is just not going to be an option. I look at recent photographs of her (which I find extremely upsetting to do at the moment), and I see a 57 year old lady who will never get any older. This is not how the script should have read.
We had been married for 32 years, and had been seeing each other for 3 years prior. Shortly after the birth of our 3rd child, my wife Carole suffered with post natal depression, which compounded further into fibromyalgia. She eventually beat the depression but then cruelly started with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and diverticular disease.
Carole was rushed into Hospital complaining of severe stomach pains. She had 2 emergency operation performed on her, the diagnoses being that she had suffered a perforated bowel due to complications from the diverticular disease. Peritonitis then took hold, she had multiple organ failure and died. She lost her battle two and a half weeks after being admitted to Hospital. It was heartbreaking.
Carole had a mischievous quality about her and a vulnerability that was really endearing. She was the link in the family. Forever on the telephone, speaking to family and friends. Sometimes popping round to their houses for a chat. Always interested in their news and wellbeing. It was a privilege to have been her husband.
One day at a time is the advice most of us get when trying to deal with this debilitating grief. I think this is all we can do when faced with such a catastrophe. Looking at the future without my wife by my side just frightens me. I have 3 children who have been marvellous, and I am grateful for their support. But they have their lives to lead, and they must live them. They are equally devastated by the loss of their Mum, and I must not forget this.
It feels a very sad and lonesome road. Marriage is about sharing and compromise. That has gone now. I can now please myself where I go and what I do. Paint the house pink or turn the back garden into a theme park. From now on I will have to accept that life will be different. I had one life with Carole, and now I am embarking on another without her. I know which one I prefer.
It is very hard to imagine that I will never see her again, speak to her or hold her. Going upstairs to an empty bed. Waking up in the morning, and the realisation kicks in that she has gone. Whatever I do and wherever I go, she will not be there walking beside me, and it hurts.

gumek
May 20th, 2012, 13:55
My wife passed away on the 28th February this year. She was only 57years old. Ironically, she died 1 year to the day that I finished work. I took advantage of an early retirement plan that was on offer. We did not have plans to paint the town red or indulge in round the world cruises. Being together and just involving ourselves with the simpler things in life would have been contentment enough. Growing old together now is just not going to be an option. I look at recent photographs of her (which I find extremely upsetting to do at the moment), and I see a 57 year old lady who will never get any older. This is not how the script should have read.
We had been married for 32 years, and had been seeing each other for 3 years prior. Shortly after the birth of our 3rd child, my wife Carole suffered with post natal depression, which compounded further into fibromyalgia. She eventually beat the depression but then cruelly started with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and diverticular disease.
Carole was rushed into Hospital complaining of severe stomach pains. She had 2 emergency operation performed on her, the diagnoses being that she had suffered a perforated bowel due to complications from the diverticular disease. Peritonitis then took hold, she had multiple organ failure and died. She lost her battle two and a half weeks after being admitted to Hospital. It was heartbreaking.
Carole had a mischievous quality about her and a vulnerability that was really endearing. She was the link in the family. Forever on the telephone, speaking to family and friends. Sometimes popping round to their houses for a chat. Always interested in their news and wellbeing. It was a privilege to have been her husband.
One day at a time is the advice most of us get when trying to deal with this debilitating grief. I think this is all we can do when faced with such a catastrophe. Looking at the future without my wife by my side just frightens me. I have 3 children who have been marvellous, and I am grateful for their support. But they have their lives to lead, and they must live them. They are equally devastated by the loss of their Mum, and I must not forget this.
It feels a very sad and lonesome road. Marriage is about sharing and compromise. That has gone now. I can now please myself where I go and what I do. Paint the house pink or turn the back garden into a theme park. From now on I will have to accept that life will be different. I had one life with Carole, and now I am embarking on another without her. I know which one I prefer.
It is very hard to imagine that I will never see her again, speak to her or hold her. Going upstairs to an empty bed. Waking up in the morning, and the realisation kicks in that she has gone. Whatever I do and wherever I go, she will not be there walking beside me, and it hurts.


Hello geoffb, I was very sad to read your post today of the loss of your precious wife. I can't say any words to you that will comfort or take your pain away, only that all of the hurting souls that are part of this family/forum have all suffered a loss of a precious one too and will give you support, a listening ear and sometimes a word of encouragement. We all feel that we were somehow led to this place when friends and family run out of things to say to us, or think that we should be moving on, here you will only find support, understanding and kindness. Although i am sad to meet you through such painful circumstances, welcome, please keep in touch, as your post is read, you will be posted to and helped in some small way here at the forum.

kind regards

chrissie.

hazelharris
May 20th, 2012, 17:14
hi geoffb i am so sorry for your loss of your wonderful wife life is frightening without the love you shared your life with it's heartbreaking lonely and devistating and you can't imagine living without them she sounds as if she had a wonderful friendly and happy personality that filled the lives of you and your chilldren with so much love this will not be easy but you will take her love and strength that she has left with you and your children to give you comfort and accept that she is free from any pain and is happy surrounded with love in heaven we are told to talk to them as they hear us this may give you comfort in these sad days i wish i could take away your pain but i can't i only want you to know i feel your heartache and we all here on this site will stand by you in these days and be here to listen and talk as you take the small steps forward thinking of you love hazel

sdk
May 20th, 2012, 20:02
Hi Geoffb,
sorry to hear of your loss of your lovely wife. Know that everyone here on this forum know how you feel. The people that you will meet here have been on the journey that you are on now. We will cry with you, listen to hear, tell you abour or experiences, but we will never judge you. I went through a very similar experience like you. My husband passed away on Feb 8th of this year. I retired in Oct. 2010 ( he was already retired) awe planned on traveling once a year, but more important just spending time together enjoying our new house. I to miss him terribly and cannot believe he will never be here again. Like Hazel and Chrissie said they are watching us and we believe that all our loved ones are together always watching over us and guiding us.

Sheryl

j's daughter
May 20th, 2012, 20:32
Message deleted.

roo
May 21st, 2012, 00:25
GeoffB, sorry sorry sorry. Your story reminds me of my grief as well. Keep in touch please, together we can all only get better.

GeoffB
May 27th, 2012, 05:34
I appreciate people on this forum taking time out to offer their words of comfort, nobody truly knows what grief feels like until they lose someone very dear to them. We all imagine what we think it will be like, but nothing can prepare us for such an overwhelming and disarming experience when it does happen. Being in contact with people on this forum who can empathise with your feelings is a great help, and i thank you all for your support.
It is just over 3 months now since my wife died and i find that most of my thoughts are of Carole. Family holidays, places we visited, family events, our first holiday together as a couple, our wedding day. I can see her now, stood in front of me asking my opinion on the dress she was going wear at my sonís wedding. Memories, in time may give me some comfort, but at the moment i find them too painful. I also think there is a fear of letting go, moving on they call it. As you work through the grieving process, the pain (I am told) is not as sharp, images of your lost spouse do not come into your mind as frequently, tears are less. At the moment I feel that I donít want this process to happen.
I realise that I am not unique in this situation , but I think we will all agree that our own grief is unique to us and we try and deal with it as best as we are able. I for example find consolation in speaking about my wife Carole, whether it be in a forum such as this or talking with family members or friends. It regularly upsets me, but speaking about her makes me feel nearer to her. My son and youngest daughter prefer to quietly reflect on their own memories of their Mum, and I respect that.
As I said above, I know that I am not unique in this situation, but presently there are no grandchildren, something that Carole and myself were particularly looking forward too. She often used to rib the two eldest children about names for their babies. She would come up with some weird and obscure names just to get some reaction from them. She enjoyed seeing their look of horror at her suggestions Ė all in good humour. Also my youngest daughter graduates from University this summer after completing her Masters. Carole will not be there.
On my initial post I said that I am having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I will never see her again, it still seems so unreal, and I still feel that way. I would dearly hope that sometime in the future we will be together again. In my prayers I have asked her to save me a place, preferably next to her. Is there life after death ? Is there some medium out there which will allow Carole to contact me? I sincerely hope so.

hazelharris
May 27th, 2012, 07:01
hi geoff you are asking the meaning of life death and the hearafter and others on this site tom dave and all our other friends can give you better meaning to it all than me tom and dave have written some very moving insitghts to this question and perhaps you will be able to read what they have said and it will give you some comfort i myself look around me see my children see all the family i was blessed with feel all the love that i had with darren for all those years and i know God was and is good to me we know we can't live here forever but we throw it to the backs of our minds and try not to imagine it ever happening to those we love as it's too unbearable
you were blessed in finding carole such a wonderful lady to spend all those happy years with many search all their lives and never find such a love her love is still with you and always will be in loving you so much she would have wanted you to find some happiness in life until the day you will be reunited together again this i know is hard in time you will remember her with a smile instead of tears and that is the way she would want you to remember her
i know the feeling life at the moment feels meaningless empty and lonely you have to find some way of picking yourself up to try and do other things every day is special use them as best you can as you try to come to terms with your loss small steps forward carrying her love with you love hazelxx

j's daughter
May 27th, 2012, 12:20
Message deleted.

GeoffB
June 1st, 2012, 16:40
Thank you hazel and jís daughter for your kind words and advice. Speaking from my own experience after the loss of Carole, I found myself trawling through the internet, trying to find some answers to my grief, not really sure what I was looking for, but just searching for something, anything that might give Ďa quick fixí and take away this emotional pain. I have also read a number of books on the subject, some good some not so good. But the bottom line is, the one thing that we all so desperately want isnít going to happen, and that feels so brutal.
Eventually I had the good fortune to come across this forum. In reply to my first post, gumek stated ĎWe all feel that we were somehow led to this place when friends and family run out of things to say to usí........That statement is so true. The phone stops ringing, people make promises, í Iíll pop in soon for a chatí......... rarely does this happen, and I suppose it is to be expected. A forum such as this allows some release of the torment.
Carole meant a lot to me and I miss her terribly. Time may heal, I donít know.

gumek
June 1st, 2012, 17:04
hello geoff i just saw you on line thought i'd say hi and see how your doing love. weekends are the hardest for all of us, it is 6 months nxt week since my love went and today has been a very difficult one. but tears are good they release that awful ache inside. it is still early days so please keep in touch don't sit alone when you need to talk, always someone here to listen, ok?

try and enjoy your weekend although that will seem impossible right now, please take care.

chrissie, gumek.:)

hazelharris
June 1st, 2012, 17:36
hi geoff sent you a reply and thanks for your message it's good to hear from you we are all now your friends and you can come and talk to us whenever you feel like a chat advice or if the loneliness is too much there is usually someone on line to talk to i go to bed a bit earlier just lately but i used to be here until 4 am as i couldn't go to bed untill i was exhausted thats the time our friend roo is getting up
you sound as if you did like me scouring the internet for answers i came across this site and it changed my life for the better with everyones help and love it made me able to cope again even though i have family here i felt alone and now i am part of this loving family of people i hope it helps you as it has me and you will find comfort in our words
how have your days been are you and your children coping any better most of us are up and down never know when the tears will suddenly flow after a good cry it eases the grief for a while
thinking of you love hazelxxx

j's daughter
June 4th, 2012, 13:13
Message deleted.

GeoffB
June 7th, 2012, 06:03
Thanks to chrissie, hazel and jís daughter for keeping in touch. Grief and the emotions that come with it can easily break the spirit, we are all being tested. We lose that emotional balance when we lose our partner or someone very dear to us.
To lift someone elseís spirit when you are still hurting from your own losses is admirable and I really do appreciate it.
I am still at that stage where I cannot look further than the next day, gripped with a myriad of tangled thoughts and emotions.
As a couple we take great comfort from being there for each other, but as the journalist Felicity Green said when she lost her husband, 'I have plenty of people to do things with - I just have no one to do nothing with. Also, the prospect of being really ill and frail in the future, now becomes quite an alarming thought.í I think we can all concur with these sentiments.
jís daughter in one of her earlier posts says that she writes letters to her Mum as a means of releasing some of that pent up emotion. I have also found that Ďjournalingí does help a little. I started writing initially, daily accounts of how the day had gone, how I felt, how the family were coping and telling Carole about my feelings towards her. I tend to use it as a reference to gauge mine and my childrenís progress as we attempt to move on. This is the same philosophy used by Richard L. Marby in his book ĎThe Tender Scarí. A small book which could be read in one or two sittings. I often refer back to it. Well worth a read.
Carole has left a massive void and I realise that it is going to be a long and rocky road to some form of recovery, whatever that may feel like.
Best wishes to you all.

j's daughter
June 7th, 2012, 08:12
Message deleted.