View Full Version : Across the Atlantic
April 16th, 2012, 10:13
Just read your last post about coming to new york. It is very funny. I was just thinking this morning, how nice it would be for all of us to be able to get together, have a glass of wine, give each other a hug and just talk about our loved ones. Being on this forum, I feel like we have been friends for a long time. Jim and I were in the process of planning a trip to the UK this spring. Maybe it is something I will consider for the near future. Have you guys ever been to New York? Jim was in england 45 years ago with his first wife. I have never been there.
April 16th, 2012, 10:54
hi sheryl in all our grief isn't it a wonderful thing that we all found a shoulder or many shoulders to cry on on this site there are friends here i love and have never met and if you ever come to the uk you will be welcome here love to you hazel
April 16th, 2012, 18:25
Sheryl- I'm in on the trip to see you with Chrissie! I think that we could really support each other and share bittersweet stories about our men, who are probably up there dreading the idea........or have they planned it this way? Love, Clare xxx
April 17th, 2012, 04:27
Hello Sheryl, how are you love? Yes wouldn't that be fantastic if we could do that some day. My hubby has family living on Long Island, sadly we never got there, you know what Italians are like, there everywhere!!!. I read your post to, sorry it was either to Roo or Rostco, sorry love we have all been busy helping each other it's a bit like Caseys Court, but wonderful to be standing with each other at our darkest hour so to speak. I am still thinking of you daily, there was so much pain in your post love, my heart aches for you. A thought came to me about our tears, how maybe they are prayers when we just can't find the words to cry out, maybe we are saying to God what we need to say in order to begin our long painful journey to that place of healing? I have had some difficulty at my church at the moment, don't get me wrong, I love them and they are standing with me and helping me. BUT I keep hearing things like, "as believers we shouldn't greive like others do, and we shouldn't accept sickness, lack of faith sort of thing" and sometimes I dread going cos I know that if I hear this I will feel guilty. I have approached the elders about this but they can't understand can they until they experience it for themselves? Every time I hear the one about sickness, the thought goes through my mind of how Giuls believed with all his heart that God would heal him, and I must add that this kind of talk had caused me offence, you know like it's insensitive, we begged God to take away the sickness and it's like a blow to my darlings memory, does any of this make sense? I know that I will have to move on some day, but I can't just ignore all that Giuls and I went through together, two years of treatment, struggle, heartache, not being able to say things incase the truth hurts, secrets tears so the other wont see, I could go on and on couldn't I. I know that you understand that, Sheryl cos you have been through a nightmare with your Jim too. I simply forgive them and ask God to place more compassion and understanding in their hearts cos one day it comes to us all, this greif and loss, none of us can escape it. God didn't say that life would be easy, but He did promice to go through it with us. Thats my comfort Sheryl, He's there with us all. And my precious man and yours are now completely healed, no more sickness and pain, so He did answer our prayers, didn't He?
Sorry love I wanted to keep this post happy, there is plenty of time for sadness, as I send this you are pobably still in your bed, when daylight does come, try and have a good un, will speak soon I hope, we haven't forgotten you.
God bless and a big Hug xxx chrissie.
April 17th, 2012, 05:30
hi i hope you don't mind me replying to your message to sheryl i read it and thought been there as you have all the private tears i used to walk out sit in the car and cry my heart out so he wouldn't see darren thought he would survive there was never any talk about not beating it even though the doctors gave him 6 weeks at the beginning you can't talk to them about defeat or treatment not working even though you try to pretend to yourself that they are not getting worse the day before he died the stupid nurse said to him your wifes not coping because i was angry with them about their lack of care and thats the only time we ever mentioned to one another about our feelings i said to him you have enough to cope with without me breaking down all the time i cry in private i am just trying to do my best for you i know we can be angry with god i remember falling on my knees to pray please take me instead i am older than darren he was 48 at the time and i felt so guilty but god took him faith doesn't mean that we shouldn't grieve like someone with no faith at faith gives us comfort but grief is grief pain is pain loneliness is loneliness there are no grades of feelings because we have faith and love is love so let it go in one ear and out the other they are lucky enough not to know our devistation but i suppose they mean well just think to yourself when they say these things you have no idea
when someone dies if there is nothing to feel guily about we look for something and i thought i have nothing as every day of our lives i adored him and my life revolved round him everything i ever did over all these years was for him but today i feel guiltyi took vows before god and was married years ago and stayed married because of my vow up until my life was in danger
this is nothing to do with his family and my battle with them but i feel guilty i didn't take those vows before god with darren why?just because i said stay with me because you love me if i could turn the clock back this is the only thing i would change
when a loved one dies suddenly people have said to me it's worse as there would have been things you could have said to them before they departed and you arn't given the opportunity but they are wrong in illness especially the battle of cancer you avoid saying things to one another it.s far too painful and the only thing you cling on to is hope and faith it's too soon to erase from our memory the nightmare hospital visits i never knew how to put one foot infront of the other to go into the doctors room you could just tell by their face on entering and you would feel like screaming and running away but you had to sit ther and listen to hell
yes God did listen as our loved ones are in no more pain their battles are over and as we try to deal with our own grief god was good as i felt alone until i came on this site by pure accident and found some wonderful friends and i no longer feel alone hazel
April 17th, 2012, 06:16
Shalom in Yeshua my sisters in faith, after reading this thread I cannot help feel a little anger at the insensitivity of some people. I cannot understand why people cannot just support you until you feel able to cope with the loss of your husbands.
Weeping is fine and is part of the process. Didn't Yeshua weep when he heard that Lazarus had died? He had compassion for his friend, you have compassion for each other and your husbands, and there's the key. After the trauma you have experienced, sharing with each other will be good for you and aid in the healing process.
Ignore those who tell you you should be doing this or that, you will know yourself what is right for you, and tt is a delight to see you making plans for the future with each other.
May God bless you all
With much love
April 17th, 2012, 07:45
Hello Hazel love, iv just come back onto the forum, Yes love, to all your points we go through every minute with our loves as they go through every agonising second. People in the church mean well don't they? One dear elderly lady saw me one sunday rocking back and forth in my seat, i sometimes do this when in prayer, she placed her arm around me held so tightly and whispered to me, " they don't understand what your going through dear, it hasn't happened to them" I tlod her I love you for that darling, thank you. No one knows do they? I have been talking to a friend about these things just today, that we couldn't say to our loves because we had to each keep on our positive masks firmly in place at all times. I now say to my church family, " today i am not prepared to say that all is well just to make you happy" but I love you and thank God for you for being here for me. I am the sort of person who tries to look for the funny side of things, and cos I think that God has a sense of humour He tries sometimes to cheer us up. I probably have posted this one before if I have I'm sorry for repeating meself.
I like to sit on the floor by my bed and rest my head on the edge as if my head is resting on Jesus's lap. thats where I chat with Him. I was crying so hard face down onto the bed, tears, dribble(sorry) and other stuff, ok sorry again. I heard a very soft voice in my spirit saying, " Lord we can't comfort her", there is a scripture that tells us that God collects all our tears, OK so far? then this little voice said, " now blow your nose", you see that made me laugh out loud, thats His humour, He don't collect the other stuff.
Hazel love, you have helped me so much today, thank you for answering that post, we are all here helping each other and it is so comforting to me that you know exactly what I went through with Giuls cos you went through it with Darren. Before I go for now love, I need to say this, I have not heard one word from the cancer support team, Its just that we hear of all the after support the cancer sufferers familys get after they die, well I must have been out when they rang. Still praying for you love, one right now.
Anyway, will chat again soon love. I'm here almost all of the time, have managed to eat something today, like Roo,I drink lots of hot tea.
Luv and big hugs
April 17th, 2012, 09:55
Shalom Tom, Iv'e just come back in, going to the Gym, been a sad-happy day, I will chat with you later about the comments in my court so to speak. They don't mean to hurt they just don't know what this is like. And yes My Yeshua, He knows cos He feels it with us dosn't He? You know Tom when we all communicate with each other on this forum it's like our hearts are connected, don't have a clue what I meant by that, just weird and wonderful.
We were laughing a day or so ago about us all having these job lot mirrors, we look a bit scarry at the moment,. I managed to eat some food today though not hungry. Giuls wouldn't like it if he knew about the junk i eat sometimes, but he can't know now, can he?
Will try speaking to Clare later tonight, see how she's doing, she dosen't live far from my brother in Scotland so when I get up there hope to meet up.
Well for a change this is a shot one, thanks Tom, speak again soon. Please keep me in your prayers, please ask Him to hold on to me.
April 17th, 2012, 15:55
Hello Tom, yes He did, Yeshua is so so wonderful and we are not always so. I'm sure that medical staff and clergy all mean well but all of our humaness just gets in the way dosen't it. I don't blame anyone for in this world everyone seems to be rushing here and there, no time for eachother anymore, It is to be expected. Thank God we all have time for eachother hey?
God bless Tom
April 17th, 2012, 16:07
Hello love, yes I know, Please try and let it go, i'm not making excuses for them but the system is failing they are all running around like headless chickens. We were under a new hospital in North Kent, can't name it, the first year we couldn't fault them but everything changed last year, some patients in some areas are being refused treament cos of the cost and great cuts have been made. But this dosen;t soften the blow does it? We all want the very best for our loves don't we? I know that this has hurt you so so very much Hazel, can I pray for God to help you to let it go? Anger hurts us not those we are angry with. You are a lovely lady, I have read all your posts you are so full of concern and compassion for others, I don't know you love but i love ya, don't let these people cause you any more pain than you already are having to cope with. Write them a letter, have your say, then please try to let it go, I don't want you to have to cope with anymore Now, please don't shout at me will you? Speak soon.
luv chrissie. xxx
April 17th, 2012, 16:16
thanks chrissie i didn't know you had replied to my ranting and i came on here to delete it i thought it innapropriate of me even though i say i could write a book about the hospital service i got it out of my system but i wouldn't want anyone to see my ranting as any one else having to face all this if they read it it would be frightning to them so i thought i would delete it before it was read love hazel
April 17th, 2012, 20:51
Hazel, just read your last couple of posts and I had a very similiar experience with the hospital Jim was in. I have gotten a copy of all his medical records (all 8000 pages) and all his x-rays, Cat scans and other tests. I am slowly going through the records and have found many mistakes. I also know that certain things happened where he was medically neglected and those things are not in the records. In the states we have 2 years to file for a malpractice lawsuit and I plan on trying to find a lawyer to take my case.
Hope you had a better day today. I went to work and I am exhausted. I left my house at 5:30 am and got home at 5:00 pm and I am doing that again tommorrow and thursday. so I am going to try to get a little sleep. speak to you tommorrow night.
April 18th, 2012, 02:56
Shalom Sheryl, hope you and family are all OK. Always love to hear from you, Hazel, clare Tom and myself are standing with a new friend on the forum, you can read the posts. We are asking God to give him strength, she was a young wife, funeral next tues 10.30 am UK time. Still lifing you up daily love, speak again soon.
April 18th, 2012, 03:52
Heelo love, gmorning, you Ok today? It is good to clean out our inner cupboards so to speak, then in time, we can move on. I know of a lady, she's not on this forum, her 21 year old daughter passed last year, she had battled lymphatic cancer for a year. The hospital tried everything to save her young life, stem cells you name it, they even paid for her to stay in a nearby hotel, whilst having daily treatment. Her mum hadn't visited for a day and when she went in to see her daughter the next morning, she just slipped away before her mum eyes.
The reason I'm sharing this story is that the mum can't forgive the hospital, cos she missed visiting her daughter for one day she feels she lost time with her daughter and blames the hospital, she thinks that they knew her daughter was going to die and didn't tell her. This is a very heartbreaking story, the mum insisted on seeing all the doctors reports, she has taken legal steps against them. You know love with all the pain and grief that she and her husband and other two teenagers have and are going through, they are all attending coucelling, something that just couldn't have been prevented from happening can't be ever be changed. This poor lady has become so full of anger and we now fear for her health and well being. I don't think that one can honestly ever get over the loss of a child, oh, yes of course life does go on but the ache will never fully go away, will it? The day my darling went home one of the doctors spoke to me with a very accusing attitude, I had a friend with me who said to this doctor, "excuse me sir but I don't like your attitde, Mr Umek has been under this hospital for many months with an infection which you were unable to treat and so Mrs Umek has looked after her husband at home and when she rang the chemo unit today for help, she was told to get an ambulance and go to A&E, so kindly apolagise sir". Of course he didn't, rather snotty actually but he didn't know at that point the full story and thought that I had neglected my husband. As you know Hazel, our loves file notes were huge. I simply said to the doc, please ask for all the file notes, that is your job not mine. I can be a cow when pushed and that night I was pushed, stretched you name it, my old east-end nature could have reared it's head at any time. I just stood there shaking like a leaf with hot tears pouring down my face. In the bed next door to Giuls, this was 11.30 at night, a visitor popped her head around the curtain, she heard me sobbing, she asked me if she could hug me, how lovely. Then a kind nurse made us tea, after Giuls and I said what we could to each other, our goodbyes, he had trouble breathing, then prayed the Lords prayer together, I asked him if he wanted to go home to the Lord, he said yes and the Lord took him at once. I have chosen to forgive the docs and nurses, that sounds odd dosen't ? But I was holding resentment towrds them, don't inderstand why, the chemmo nurses were all great and were always flat out like a lizzard drinking water whenever we went for treatment, I suppose we have to put the blame somewhere don't we? thats ok as long as we can get to the point when enough is enough, or we may never be able to let go, does any of this make any sense?
Oh dear Hazel we have a long painful journey ahead of all of us don't we? I'm so glad to be able to share all this with someone who knows, you are a special lady, we both are, we all are, men too cos we can do what we are doing to alleviate some of the pain of others. How are those puppies, how's the papering going? Speak again soon love.
Big hugs Chrissie. xxx
April 18th, 2012, 04:14
good morning chrissie,
it is 5:00 am and I am getting for work. will speak to you tonight
April 18th, 2012, 06:51
Okedoky. xxx chrissie.
April 18th, 2012, 10:38
hi chrissie and cheryl how are you both today roo does seem to be a little better since we all talked to him doesn't he i only just read all tom has gone through as well i didn't realise isn't he a wonderful man his posts he has shared with us all from christ has been an insperation to me and made me consider many things
cleaned the cupboards out have you well i started decorating darrens office after i cleared it all out i didn't realise he was such a hoarder he was i had a few tears and wanted it back the way it was i wish i hadn't started to get the paper off the wall it's taking ages and is stuck like superglue and the whole house is a mess
i look back on these past 3 yrs it's hard to overcome isn't it i lost my 2 best friends within 6 wks just before darren was diagnosed and i haven't told you this 5 days after darren died my granddaughter was knocked down in a hit and run and left close to death in the road they managed to save her life 28 bones broken 3 fractures in her skull it's going to be a long haul for her but i do think God and a guardian angel was looking down on her
thankyou all for being so kind to me and all the others on this site i feel so close to you all my only wish would be to be able to take all your pain away for you but that will only come with time love to you both hazel
April 18th, 2012, 13:53
Hello Hazel, hope your Ok just to say nite nite, feeling very tired goung to bed early. Will be praying for you and all.
Luv and Hugs
April 18th, 2012, 17:39
Oh man don't get me started on hospital incompetence. Have you had a "hospitalist" yet? This is one of the most asinine ideas I've ever heard of. It's a doctor who makes rounds just for the sake of it, knows damn near nothing about your situation and cares even less and is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
We also had some of the most shockingly incompetent and didn't give a damn oncologists you can imagine, and we went to places touted as the best.
Trust me our biggest problem with healthcare is NOT the cost, as bad as that is.
April 18th, 2012, 18:35
I totally agree with you about hospitalists. They were the worst. In the hospital my husband was in they changed once a week, so you can imagine over the course of the two months he was there how many of them I had to deal with. Toward the end one of the told me in addition to everything else going on they discovered that he had kidney cancer. When I spoke to the kidney doctor he said it was possible but in the condition he was in that was the least of his problem. During the time he was there I threw out of his room many doctors and one of the hospitalist was so scared of me she never came back. It is the worst idea that has been developed in this country in medical care.
April 18th, 2012, 19:29
Hi Chrissie and Hazel,
Just sitting down to have my evening coffee before bed. I ave been really tired the last two days. It has been a long time since I was up at 4:30 am and out of the house by 5:30. My drive to work is 75 miles each way. I get home by 5:00 pm so I am really tired. I usually work 2 days a week but this week and next the students in New York State are being tested and I am working 3 days a week. It is helping a little because I am working in the school my husband worked in and it is like being with family. I can talk about him and sometimes cry and they are so supportive. I still get in the car at the end of the day and cry on the way home but during the day I am really kept quite busy. I work with the special needs students and their teachers which is what I did for 27 years in another school.
Well I need to go dry my hair and get into bed. Hopefully I will be able to sleep for a few hours.
Take care of yourselves and I will speak to you both tommorrow night.
April 19th, 2012, 04:03
hi everyone hope you had a good sleep with reading hamiltons comments it seems we have all experienced poor health care and well below standard when i ranted on the other day about the hospitals and got it out of my system i could carry on forever about the disgraceful lack of care then i went back and deleated it i felt ashamed to have said some of what i felt but now i think it needed to be said as it really is part of our anger and part of our healing process is coming to terms with it all and our beloveds illness is very much a part of that. i hate to say this but i can never forgive some parts of the cancer care team mac nurses i feel especially agrieved with i am trying to hold on to the fact that it was unfortunate that where i live they were rubbish and all across the counry the care from them is probably the high standard that we all expect.
hope you are all in good spirits God has been good to me today the top solicitor in the country in my sort of case maralyn stowe is going to talk to me on the phone free such sheer kindness you find it in the most unusual places love to you all hazel
April 19th, 2012, 19:51
hi sheryl chrissie has had a bad day today but i have just heard she is a bit better i don't know if you have been in touch today how are you doing yourself i haven't heard from roo tonight eather i can't stop worrying about everyone just to let you know i am thinking of you tonight love hazel