View Full Version : Lost my wife 3 weeks ago

March 31st, 2012, 21:20
Lost my best friend and wife of 20 years to lung cancer 3 weeks ago, found my wife collapsed on the floor tried CPR to no avail. Donít feel that life is very fair as she was a good person and mother. Cannot believe the survivorís guilt as to why it was not me to go first and her instead. We worked hard, put in long hours at our jobs, went to night school so we could have a happy retirement when the time comes, then one day the doctor says she has spot on her lung six months later she is gone, life does suck at times. Feel empty, broken hearted and cannot believe how much I miss her.

April 1st, 2012, 04:21
Shalom in Yeshua EdA, I am sorry to hear about the death of your wife to lung cancer. Life sometimes can be very cruel, when the plans we make don't happen.

You are at the start of a long road. Do you have any family you can talk too and how old are your children? The reason I ask is that when we loose a loved one we need the love, care and company of others, so that we can share our feelings. This really does help.

If you don't have anyone you can off load onto, please do it here. We have all been in your place, and know what its like. It is totally anonymous here so please feel free to talk about her and how you feel. We all want to help.

May God bless you

April 2nd, 2012, 14:17
dear eda i thought i would send you a message as you joined us here yesterday i can just about remember those first few weeks it was like being in a nightmare so i know how you are feeling i am so sorry for your loss.life seems very unfair i sit and think of my partner he was so good and you think why them we all have our plans for the future never thinking this will happen to us the shock in finding out they are ill and the pain when they depart from us feels unbearable.but she is not suffering any more and we were both lucky although you may not feel lucky at the moment to have a love that many search their whole lives for and never find.tom here on the site a wonderful person who really cares told me to talk to them and it has helped me i also light a candle and tell him i love him. i hope you have a family to support you ------------- say not in grief that they are gone but in joy that they were

April 3rd, 2012, 10:18
EdA My heart goes out to you in your pain.

It is one of the most devestating things to have your spouse with you one second and gone the next.
I wish I could say something to take the pain away.... But words will not do it ....I know this first hand.

I was widowed going on 4 years ago as my wife of 8 years and two of our children were involved in a motor vehicle accident. My wife was critically injured in the accident and died 10 days later. So EdA I know and feel your pain.. More than three years have passed since then for myself and my family...

You will likely have many regrets... your mind will replay all of the "what ifs" over and over and over... until it drives you nearly crazy. You will end up convincing yourself of all of the decisions that you made that were the wrong decisions. As difficult as it is... try not to "go there" in your mind. Believe me forewarned is forearmed.

EdA life will seem to be moving in slow motion for you for the next while. Your heart will ache daily from the pain of grief and loss. I'm telling you this because I don't want to sugar coat it and tell you it will get better for you quickly... it will take time.. Life becomes very lacking with our deep loss. Even the small things our spouse did for us will come under the microscope for us. With us wishing we had treated them better when they did stuff for us....maybe thanked them more for the everything they did for us.. It is a horrible experience to have your life turned upside down with no warning..

I will note though...Everyone grieves differently and at difference intensities... You may have already felt these things or you will it all depends on how you are reacting to life as a whole now and what level of coping you are at...

I will say that after all the levels of misery and pain and anguish you will gain experience from your grief... Hear me out here please...

Your probably thinking what good will come from all this misery and pain..

Please listen to me first then you can decide if Iam full of ***** or if this rings true in you life. You may not comprehend this now but in about a year or two you will in the future. In the beginning it it very hard to see things clearly.. time will give you a vantage point to see the whole picture in the end...

I believe that we all increase our energy and our knowledge by experiencing the polar aspects of all there is to know. Our knowledge gives us an appreciation and understanding that makes us ever more complete with each new experience. In other words, we learn from experiencing both sides of every possibility.
In order to fully understand and appreciate kindness, we must experience cruelty.
In order to fully understand and appreciate joy, we must experience depression. In order to fully understand and appreciate health, we must experience sickness.
In order to fully understand and appreciate comfort, we must experience discomfort.
To truly understand and appreciate Life we must suffer though a death of someone truly close to us.
And so it goes for every possible experience that exists, we experience both sides of the spectrum in order to understand and appreciate the opposite. We are meant to learn from every good and bad situation.

So these are the lessons that come from understanding and acceptance.. it is just unfortunate that you must suffer to learn..

I will leave you with this
I cannot say anything the will make the pain, loneliness and loss go away.. but I will say one thing time will give you the experience and coping skills to handle the daily pain of your loss. It will take the biting edge off the pain.. The pain will always be there... it's just not as sharp.. then over time you build up a level of tolerance and understanding..

I wish you peace at this time of pain... and clarity of thought in all the morass.. though it may be a while in coming to you. Just remember to breathe and try to take things one day at a time


April 3rd, 2012, 23:20
Tom-fisherman thanks for the good words. Hazel and cal821 sorry for your loss. The kind words have helped, still not much easier as litte panic attacks happen everyday when you realize you will never again speak to, hug your wife or see her smile again. Time does heal wounds, my mother died when she was 50 from cancer. Dad, Grandfather and uncle all from cancer. Wife was part of me so it hurts much more.

April 8th, 2012, 17:32
hi eda i thought i would send you a message to see how you are coping over easter i hope you are feeling the love your wife is sending to you from heaven it's a hard time for us all not just as it's easter i hope you have a loving family around you to give you the support you need cancer is a dreadful illness and you have lost so many loved ones to it it's an unbelievably nightmare of a journey with the fight for your loved one to survive i am thinking of you and i know your pain be sure they are all now happy together in heaven and free from pain in gods care talk to her it does help and take care of yourself hazel

April 9th, 2012, 00:30
Ed, so very sorry for your loss. Don't have much to add from what the others have said, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. It's going to take time so allow that, and be gentle to yourself. For ex guilt is common but also unfair. You didn't "do this" to your loved one. Best to you in this darkest of times.

April 11th, 2012, 09:48
Hello Ed, my heart goes out to you , so sorry for your loss,wish I could take the pain away for you right now but I can't. Everyone on this forum knows what you are going through and we hold each other up together as broken as we all are. we are here Ed. Will think of you in my prayers.


May 2nd, 2012, 21:57
Hi Ed,

Yes, the loss you have suffered is the absolute worst kind ... ever. You called your wife your "best friend," and that truly does sum it up. I can't think of anything more devastating than losing that person.

You worked hard together to build up a good life for yourselves so you could enjoy growing old together. You're not greedy and you were only hoping for a simple, loving life together. Is that too much to ask of the universe?

Sometimes it is, and we just can't wrap our heads around why. These are the times that don't make sense and probably never will. The only thing we can do is try to survive it ... it is one of the hardest things we'll ever have to do in our lives. Eventually, though, the grief and pain and anger and lonlieness won't feel like the sharp edges of a knife all the time.

It will become a little gentler, I promise. But it will take as long as it takes and there are no shortcuts around the pain. And life will begin to make a little bit of sense again one day. But not now.

Praying for your peace of mind and comfort,