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sdk
March 8th, 2012, 19:12
I thought I was doing a little better. I went into work on Tuesday and the days seem to have fewer tears. But last night I got so angry. I am now angry at everyone. Angry at God for taking my husband at 66 years old and when our lives had so many plans together in the future and when we have a new grandchild. Angry at the hospital for moving him out of ICU with only 4 days to go before discharge.at the nurses and doctors neglecting him in the regular medical floor and allowing him to develop heart failure and pneumonia again causing him to be on life support. Aren't they suppoed to be on top of a patients health? I am angry at all the people who keep telling me I did the right thing by talking him off life support. No the right thing would be ,Jim still being alive and with me. Angry at the people who tell me how strong I am. I am not strong. Angry at the people who say it will get better and I will start a new life. and the people who say God only gives you what you can handle. That's garbage. The past few days I seem to just cry all the time and go around the house yellig at the walls, Jim, God and anyone that can hear me.

Sheryl

cal821
March 9th, 2012, 09:00
Sheryl hang in there..

Unfortunately this is the hardest part.. When the anger and frustration come after you have a chance to think through the events... It escalates like throwing heating oil on a smoldering fire...


What you are feeling is completely natural.. it is all part of you trying to process all the horrible events... All you can do is don't let the anger get the better of you and lash out at your family members..


I know what you are feeling exactly right now.. Just try to remember to breathe and find something that will distract you when the anger is raging and feels like it won't end..



I don't belive we go through the supposed 5 stages of grief The Kübler-Ross model that was used for so long..
I believe that grief, like so many other things in our complex lives, can't be reduced to a neat list with absolute definitions, timelines, strategies, goals, and completion dates. Would that it were so easy.

Grief is as individual as those of us who feel it, and as varied as the circumstances of death which occur.
I think labeling things is just something the Mental health professionals like to do..

I think if it could be anything it should be based on three things anyone grieving goes through such as :three particular types of behavior exhibited generally in anyone that is suffering from grief and loss. :

Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)

Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)

Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)



But enough on that.. Sheryl as I said just hang in there keep talking and it will help you to sort out the anger and frustration you are currently feeling..

It will get better and we are all here for you..


Cal821

hamilton
March 9th, 2012, 15:36
Sheryl, I share(d) much of what you are feeling and sorry that you have to go through it. Part of the process I'm afraid. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Marjatta
March 12th, 2012, 22:57
Hi Sheryl,

There isn't one emotion I haven't felt to the nth degree since Shaun died. I simply can't manage to feel moderately happy or sad ... I'm either euphoric and caught up in a state of pure bliss knowing I had the love of this most wonderful man who is now waiting in heaven for me ... or I'm so far down in the depths of despair that I believe even the worst of hells would be better than this ... anything would be better than this.

One minute I'm screaming at God, "Why, oh why, did You have to take him from me when I finally found the love of my life? Why did You take his love away from me? How could there be ANY reason why this was meant to be? Everything happens for a reason? Well, then I must have been mighty horrible in a previous life to deserve such pain and sorrow right now."

The next minute, I'm thanking God, "I was so blessed to have had him in my life even for this short period, God. Thank you so much for sending him to me. Thank you for showing me what true love is all about. I know You have a plan and I need to trust in You and Your wisdom."

I don't think the pain we're all feeling can be overcome by being "strong." There's no such thing as being strong when your soul is bleeding ... it hurts, dammit, and it IS unfair, and it makes us feel scared and lonely and miserable ... sometimes even terrified. How can we trust anything in this world again when so little of it makes sense anymore? How can we feel safe when we have absolutely no control over most things?

The rage and anger at things unseen and intangible aren't easy to come to grips with, let alone trying to minimize or overcome those feelings. Who are we angry at? God? Ourselves? The universe? Humanity? All of the above? Do we even believe in a God anymore even if we once did?

To be honest with you, the only thing that keeps me going is my faith. It doesn't make me strong. It merely carries me while I'm feeling so weak. I pray all the time for peace and acceptance and serenity ... but it's one hell of a struggle. Has it gotten better? A little. But I'm trying not to control how I feel. I'm trying to really feel it ... not just fake it till I make it. But it's hard.

Sheryl, I wish I could give you a great big hug right now and let you cry your eyes out on my shoulder. I'd be crying right along with you, but no words of consolation would be necessary from either of us. Because we both know that our losses are inconsolable.

What we need to do is find a way to live with this pain inside us, but not let it become us.

Marjatta