View Full Version : drowning in my grief
February 19th, 2012, 16:58
my fiance died of a heart attack dec 09 2011 we had been together 10 years and engaged for 9. We both had been hurt and left by previous partners and both had two girls each it was complicated and sadly we didnt live together i think he was frightened it would pull us apart he had built alot of walls due to hurt from his past. I worked for him both at his home and sometimes his business which has now been taken over by his daughters and run by a manager who has chosen to make me redundant.Im in turmoil I feel like ive lost everything ,my precious man who i loved so very much,he was my rock and my best friend and now my job.I feel let down by his family as they said they wouldnt leave me in the lurch but then allowed me to be made redundant when im still distraught over losing dave and i feel guilty for feeling that about them as we have always got on.I feel lost because his house was where my memories are I was with him for 10 years but have no rights at all ,arrangements have been out of my hands and i felt guilty asking for pictures and small things id brougt for him as im not a pushy person. I feel so empty inside i miss him so much the ache inside is unbearable.I miss his arms around me,his smell , his funny habbits and even his grumpy moods. I plead with God to bring him back he was only 50. Fate brought us together on a blind date two people who had experienced hurt and then found happiness I cant understand why when we are both good people. When will this pain go away i cant bare it
February 20th, 2012, 05:33
Shalom in Yeshua Dawn21, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of Dave, and the subsequent turmoil that has followed. Know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted.
Have you told Dave's daughters how you feel? It maybe that the new manager has told them something that suits his purposes. If you have already done this and they are cutting you off, then its their loss!! Remember your relationship was with Dave not his daughters, and while their attitude is hurtful it is something you can get over in time.
The one thing they, or anyone else for that matter will never be able to do, is take from you your memories and the love you and Dave shared. This will always be within your heart. Try to focus on him and the special times you had together. These are the important things to cherish.
My brothers and sisters have always been taught that when we go into Sheol we can still hear our loved ones. He will be able to hear you so talk to him. I have advised many to spend a few moments each day talking with their loved ones while holding something that was special to them. It does help.
Then I would suggest that you talk to your own daughters, if they are old enough to support you, or your parents or other close family and friends who care about you. Seek comfort in their love. If you have no one you can do this with then come and do it here. We all care and want to help you through this.
It has only been a few months and you have had a lot to contend with. Please be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes.
May God bless you
February 20th, 2012, 10:19
Reading your post my heart goes out to you.. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss... Let me say you have made a wise choice to come here to this forum..
There are many of us here that have been in your position and you will find this is a safe place to... vent .. rant.. read.. write and talk.. You will never be judged here..
Talking is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
I know everything is still very raw for you and your heart is shattered with the loss of your beloved fiance.. Believe me the best thing you can do for yourself is try to go easy on yourself... The grief process is brutal and different for everyone but it does share some common traits unfortunately that everyone here has endured.. Whenever we lose someone who is in our heart we fall into our pain and suffering.. It feels like the pain will never end...
Please you have to believe me when I say that things will settle down in a while.. Right now the Pain of your loss has amplified everything and it feels like your being torn apart.. But over the next while things will slow down..
What helps in the process is your mind set.. I have written a few articles here on the forum on coping with grief.. Please if you feel up to it .. please take a look.. it might help you ease the pain a little..
As I said before Dawn21 you have made a wise choice to come here.. This is a place of Kindred spirits and will help you start your journey through this process of grief...
and again I very sorry to hear of your loss..
I wish you peace in your pain, suffering and anguish.. & clarity of thought in the Morass.
February 20th, 2012, 16:59
Thankyou for your kind replies it helps to know that what i am feeling is normal I read the articles and your personal loss touched me very much and helped me to realize that this terrible painful time in my life is a personal journey with ups and downs and although it seems very uphill at the moment,eventually it will be less steep.
February 21st, 2012, 06:54
I'm so sorry for your terrible loss - yes your feelings are all quite normal. Let yourself feel whatever you feel and not worry about if this is what you "should" feel. It's different for everyone.
February 22nd, 2012, 23:57
Welcome Dawn21. The love of my life was called Home at the young age of 56. We were married for 17 years and the loss of this wonderful man of mine has taken a tremendous toll on my sanity and my physical being. I understand your thoughts of him and remember his touch, his good and bad moods. I have alot of guilt and wish I could go back and be a better listener and not always have the last say. He had pancreatic cancer and we only had 3 short weeks together after we received the news of his illness. It has been almost four years, but the pain is as raw as it was then. I'm not going to lie and say it gets better, it changes. Everyone has their own experience of grief, as each relationship is unique. What keeps me going is that I have to be here for our son, who is now a young adult. The milestones are terribly hard, like when our son learned to drive and got his drivers license. It was something I thought we would experience together physically. You are at a wonderful place here, those of us who walk in your shoes truly care and understand. Please feel free to send me a message if you'd like to talk anytime. Just remember that he is with you always. Talk to him often and know that he hears you. Love is eternal and never leaves you. Take care of yourself and return often. I am SO sorry for your loss.
February 23rd, 2012, 21:58
jw, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Pancreatic is one of the worst, given how aggressive and quick it is. 4 years is an awfully long time for it to still be "raw" as you mentioned - by now it should have gotten "better," ie not so raw as initially. I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but may I respectfully suggest you consider some kind of counseling - I did and it has helped me a great deal (and really, what do you have to lose?). I wish you the best regardless and hope you can find some kind of solace in him being with you in whatever way he is, even though it's not a direct, physical way now. Peace to you.
February 24th, 2012, 04:59
thankyou for your message I felt so sad for you to hear about your husband, its hard to explain to anyone just how empty it makes you feel when you lose the love of your life.I know what you mean when you say your son keeps you going I feel the same about my daughters however no one can replace the love of a partner its a different kind of love and its a very lonely path to walk. Guilt about things we did or didnt do is a common occurence I think as I am trying to deal with a multitude of feelings but im sure that you was a good wifeand being together for so long proves that.Im actually waiting for counselling at the moment as I think these people can help you see things in a different light. Its a terrible ordeal to go through its huge but I do hope that life improves for everyone who is in our position.Take care of yoursef
February 25th, 2012, 09:10
My heart aches for you in your loss of your soul mate and best friend, Dave.
It may feel as if the rug has been pulled out from beneath your feet on so many fronts right now that it's even difficult to grieve properly because there are so many other concerns you have to deal with. I know how unfair that is and how cruel the entire world can seem at times. Not only have you lost your best friend, but you've also lost your job and perhaps have been even made to feel as if you have no "rights" to any of the possessions you brought into your life together ... as if you're the "outsider," even though you were the closest person on earth to him.
I lost Shaun (also 50) in November 2011. He was my soul mate. I had to move out of his home and start over, not only without him, but without anything familiar and secure to me. You are definitely struggling with more than one challenging loss here.
Trust me, your beloved Dave is with you right now. Let him give you strength. Please be comforted by the truth of your relationship and how happy you made his remaining years on this planet. You deserve a great big hug, not the cold shoulder you've been given by his family. Then again, people can act very odd during times of stress and grief, so this may pass. But all that truly matters is the truth of your relationship with him. You know in your heart of hearts what you meant to him and what he meant to you.
May peace and comfort find you,
February 28th, 2012, 02:52
thankyou for your comforting words,you must be struggling too with the sad loss of your soulmate shaun and having to move out of the home.It struck a chord with me when you said it was hard not being surrounded by familiar things, I think it makes the grieving harder.I feel cheated out of time to grieve properly for my precious Dave because of my financial situation and I think that is why Im struggling.His girls will text me to say how am I and then do things like ask their grandma to ask me for his house keys even though up until recently I had been going to Daves house when they wanted someone to pop in to check on Daves dogs I dont know if Im over reacting because of my pain but their actions over the redundancy and this appear thoughtless at the moment and I do feel like a complete outsider. Sorry for venting my frustration I really hope that you are as ok as you can be at this time my thoughts are with you
March 3rd, 2012, 18:20
Yeah, I hear you. Not all of them are like this, thankfully, but the mixed messages that can come from some families when you're not legally married to the person are sometimes confusing and hurtful. On one hand, they're saying there's no rush and take your time and we're thankful our son had you in his life, and then you are suddenly asked about returning keys or their phone calls stop unless they need you for something ... and it's as if your relationship with your sweetheart never existed.
You are now officially an "outsider," for sure. In my case, well, perhaps I was never an "insider" to begin with! LOL Perhaps it's because we weren't together long enough or maybe that I'm also being too sensitive. Who knows? The bottom line is I know what our relationship was, I know what we had, I know it was real, and that's good enough for me.
You just hold your head up and stay strong, Dawn. The only thing that matters is what you had with Dave. And THAT was and is a beautiful thing.
March 4th, 2012, 15:27
Its good to know that someone understands, ive been struggling with my feelings, ive always tried to be kind to everyone and treat people how i would like to be treated myself and i have felt so guilty feeling hurt and angry with them as i know they are dealing with such alot .Today I received a lovely message from them so that helped but i cant help but feel a bit cautious as this has happened before and then something else happens.There has been some upset within their family over the will and in a way im relieved i wasnt a beneficiary as it is one less thing to worry about although 1 family member did upset me by commenting that they thought it strange i wasnt mentioned, something funny there they said. It made me feel like they thought Dave must have had a reason to not include me when infact the reason I would like to think is that he died suddenly and simply like alot of us hadnt got around to updating it. I think because im feeling hyper sensitive comments just get to me more. I just miss my precious man so much and im struggling and hope that the wait for counselling will be over soon.I hope that you are ok and that you have support from friends and family its so hard when you lose such a special person and I hope it gets easier for both of us . Take care, Dawn
March 5th, 2012, 07:00
1 family member did upset me by commenting that they thought it strange i wasnt mentioned, something funny there they said. It made me feel like they thought Dave must have had a reason to not include me when infact the reason I would like to think is that he died suddenly and simply like alot of us hadnt got around to updating it. I think because im feeling hyper sensitive comments just get to me more.
Of course, you're no doubt correct on all counts. And what an unthinking thing for someone to say, but this kind of situation lends itself to that, ie dumb things people can say. I've heard some doozies. Usually it's not meant to be hurtful, just people not thinking it through and our society being poor at handling death in general. Best to you in this indescribably difficult time.
March 5th, 2012, 16:23
Yes, I was in the same situation, so I know how awkward it can feel. And just so draining. It's like you feel you haven't even had a chance to grieve properly because of all this other stuff going on.
Now that it's been about four months for me and I'm fairly settled in the rest of my affairs, I'm finding (surprisingly) these super-intense waves of grief that just overwhelm me sometimes. Just the hint of spring around the corner, normally a happy thought, brought me to tears the other day because we used to love planning the garden together. I was just standing there with the warmth of the sun on my face and it felt like someone had physically walloped me. All the peace and serenity I had been working so hard to achieve disappeared in a flash. I was broken again.
But my recovery is a little quicker now. I find I can carry on for the rest of the day after one of my "meltdowns" a little easier than I could before, but man, when they hit, wow... what can I say? Indescribable unless you've experienced it.
I'm hoping you get lots of love and support too, Dawn. You know you have us, but we all need that human touch. Yes, I do have wonderful support from friends and family (well, most of my family LOL), and mostly "I get by with a little help from my friends."
Wishing you peace and comfort, as always,
March 6th, 2012, 12:51
I wanted to cry when I read your message and you described how the grief hit you when you was in your garden because you used to plan it together I so identified with what you was saying.Its like you suddenly hit a brick wall isnt it. Me and Dave shared a love of cooking and he was particularly fussy about his roast potatoes being the same size andwould constantly pace the kitchen and keep peeping at them through the oven door and I used to tease him that they were still there and hadnt disappeared, hence last week I stood and cried when cooking dinner, things as you say just remind you and wham, your broken hearted. Im glad your other affairs have come together its nice to have something positive happen. I am fortunate I have a loving supportive family and friends and on Thursday im going to spend a few days with my twin sister who lives about 3 hours away and my younger sister lives in that area too it will be a welcome change and a break from searching for a job.You take care as well, im glad you have support its funny though isnt it how we can be surrounded by people but still feel so lonely inside because a part of us is missing. Thankyou again for your support
March 14th, 2012, 19:04
Im struggling, Im trying to take one day at a time but it appears to be getting harder,its 3 months since I lost Dave and the pain seems to be getting worse. Everything seems to make me cry I try to think of the happy times and memories but they jjust make me cry more.I watch TV and something reminds me I listen to music which I loved to do with Dave and I sob more. I went to visit my sisters who live near the seaside to get away from my environment and when I saw the sea I broke down because we had a holiday booked and all I could think was Im not going to ever walk on the beach hand in hand with my precious man ever again. I cant see me ever feeling happy again I just cant and on top of this I still havnt managed to get a job and Im panicking but going around in circles because I cant think straight. Everyone says it will get better but I just cant see how. I keep telling myself to get a grip Im lucky I have 2 beautiful children , good family and friends but I feel so very lonely and over whelmed is this normal to feel like your going backwards instead of forwards
March 14th, 2012, 19:40
Yes, very. And you're right, you are very lucky in some ways (ie have family/friends around etc). I'm sorry, I wish I had some magical answer but frankly you're right on schedule. It's just a horrible path we're forced to get through. The good news is you can and will get through it. At least that's what I'm told and have to believe it, otherwise what's the point of trying? Hold on.
March 15th, 2012, 18:25
Thankyou for your reply its good to have feedback from people like yourself who have experienced the loss of someone they love. Its an awful journey and one that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy . It sucks the life out of you and leaves you bewildered and in pain with scars that will remain always.Everyone on this site are so kind and none of us deserve the pain Im sure but we soldier on and as you say hope that it gets a little better. I hope that your days contain at least a few hours of peace, I truly wish for you the strength you need to get through your loss. Thankyou again.
March 16th, 2012, 07:22
thank you dawn and same to you. "Sucks the life out of you" is a good way to put it. I feel like a balloon after all the air has escaped. Empty, lifeless and pointless.
March 16th, 2012, 17:49
Just wanted to say that I know just what you mean but I hope that each day bit by bit the balloon inflates and lifts your spirits again.. I hope so
Best wishes, Dawn
March 17th, 2012, 07:09
Thank you dawn and again same to you...
March 31st, 2012, 09:14
Hello dawn21, I'm farely new here and have just read your story on your last post. You may have moved on a little from then as now it's the end of March, I do hope so love. I lost my man 7th Dec 2011. You have talked about his family, when the unexpected happens it nearly always brings out the worse in some people. If you are still feeling angry, it will pass, my hubbys family caused me upset and I let it go. They are also grieving for Giuls. We can make a positive choice to walk away from it and not allow them to have power over us, but the sadness and the ache in our hearts for our lost loves
takes us a bit longer though. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious man, other dear ones have mentioned in posts on line that our passed loved ones can still see and hear us, hold on to that. When I read this I felt a definate release in my heart. Hang on in there, we are all here on the site to listen, to cry with and to help. God bless.
March 31st, 2012, 09:55
Amen to what Chrissie just said. And remember, you are not alone.
April 4th, 2012, 18:01
Thankyou for your kind reply and first of all I would like to say im so sorry for the loss of your husband Guils, its a heartbreaking experience and one that is hard to bare, I hope that you are ok and have some support, everyone on this site are so kind.Your right about letting the hurt go and that they are grieving as well but sometimes it just hurts when they are being insensitive.Dave had booked a holiday for the 8 April and we found it after he died His daughters gave me the details to look at and because it was paid for and cash flow was a problem for them i said couldnt they get the money back due to the circumstances because I felt worried for them and I said I would try but then realized this would be difficult as I had no details of the card payment details which were frozen anyway so I returned the details and said perhaps their solicitor would be better equipped to deal with it, that was january. Last week I had a text saying they were having trouble sorting it and would I mind if they just went on it I think I just would have rather not have known and I wonder in my head why they left it till a week before to tell me. Ive felt so low lately and am struggling with my grief, my job situation and this just toppled me I cant explain why it just has, it just feels like everything linking me to my precious man has disappeared bit by bit my job, the keys to his house the motor home he bought for us to spend more time together and now the only thing with my name on which sounds strange I know but I just feel totally on the outside like im on the other side of a glass window I dont like feeling like this it isnt me Im mostly such a forgiving kind of person but my counsellor reassures me that with all of the events thats happened that it would make anyone feel the same and the stress of grief combined with the job etc is alot to cope with and she will help me through it so fingers crossed. You take care hope each day brings you a little more peace
April 4th, 2012, 18:44
hi dawn i don't know if you have read my story but i feel so terribly sad for you as our grief and circumstances are very similar including the age of your beloved when he passed away it feels like they are stealing him from you and he was yours and its hard to grab him back and reclaim him as he is not here i go down this road of anger every day my partner had no children but relatives were there at the end not when darren was ill and its hell i am not saying that is the same for you it may be they do not understand your suffering they may not be evil people like what i am dealing with as your partners family loved him and in their own grief may have just overlooked the care of you their fathers partner. even if you didn't live together if you were in any way dependent on him at all for anything you can apply for dependency in the 1975 dependency act but there is a time limit on when you can apply.thinking of you as i really know what it feels like in grief losing a loved one and being made to feel so insignificant in their life when after 10 years you were everything to him hazel
April 5th, 2012, 09:50
Thankyou Hazel for taking the time to write to me.What can I say except that I was horrified at the despicable actions of his so called family. I am so terribly sad for you its unbearable what you are going through and im so sorry for the loss of your beloved Darren. Dont let anyone make you feel like you was nothing, it seems to me that you was everything and more and thank goodness these wicked people who you are having to deal with at this painful time, cant take away your memories of darren. I identified with you so much when you talked about changing the bed I felt exactly the same and I couldnt do it and sadly now I dont get to go in his bedroom and its soul destroying.I can imagine how crowded your head must feel with this added worry your having to face when all you want to do is grieve for your precious man.Have you got some good friends who you can share your worries with or have you thought about putting your name down at cruse counselling if you are in the uk I had to wait 8 wks but just started and I have found it a help.I dont know how to advise you on the law because i dont know how the law stands but im with cal when he says equip yourself with information. The internet is wonderful for this search to see if there is anything to help you financially sometimes even solicitors dont tell you everything and charge a fortune. Also the citizens advice bureau website is good. I know how low you must feel I really do but keep strong Darren will give you the strength Im sure. you take good care of yourself, keep strong and fight these wicked people I hope karma catches up with them .
April 5th, 2012, 15:33
hi dawn how are you today looking for a job must seem like climbing a mountain as i know myself even the small jobs i can't seem to handle letters even just get thrown in a draw i went into the garden today and darrens chair is still turned sideways how he sat out there watching the pond i keep trying to visualise him there.i have to learn how to tow the caravan and i can't be bothered i'm determined they won't get hold of it from me i know what you mean about the seaside very very nostalgic looking out to sea walking on the beach i have often described my feelings with-- look out to sea and in the wild horizon thats where i feel i am cast adrift on my own.all those even small memories that you have like cooking the spuds a million little things we will carry with us in our hearts forever i am shure he would have never left you in this situation 50 is very young and we don't expect to pass away at this age even darren with his illness didn't contemplate the end if you can't call in to places for employment do like i did once i got out the yellow pages and i went through all the relevant employers sent off cvs i even made sandwiches once and carried them round an industrial estate in a basket.of course we need to be on top form to push ourselves and i suppose you feel like me at the moment remember his love light a candle to him talk to him and he will listen to your troubles and all that love he gave you will give you strength at least we both had love hazel
April 6th, 2012, 02:57
Im holding on, thankyou for asking and I hope that you are as ok as you can be at this time and are being kind to yourself.I felt really concerned for you and your situation and truly understand the turmoil you must feel. Right now thinking about learning how to tow the caravan is another task that seems such a big step because you have so much to deal with but one day out of the blue and there is no time limit you will think, today is the day and you will do it and shaun will be proud of you. Grief is such a strange force its perhaps like the sea as it can be calmer one day and brutal the next and the depth of the waves are forever changing. I do very much believe in the afterlife and I did go to see a medium after Dave died and she said such alot of things which she couldnt have known that convinced me even more and she also said that there would be a turning point around April /May time and I received a phone call for an interview on 16 April for a tea rooms supervisor and your right trying to get a job is like climbing a mountain and Im awful at interviews I had one a few weeks ago and got told it was my lack of confidence which let me down but we arnt going to feel confident are we not when we have had the stuffing knocked out of us. I will see one again though because I did find it a comfort and i read about it as well and talk to Dave every day as im sure you do to Shaun. Keep strong I know its going to be hard because its Easter and our precious men arnt here in person but keep on picturing Shaun in his chair looking at the pond because I truly believe that they still surround us. Take care
April 6th, 2012, 14:48
hi dawn thanks for your reply how are you today i can give you a small bit of advice as i have interviewed many people in the past in the catering industry the first thing to be is try not to be nervous look smart friendly and interested in the business write down a few questions you would like to ask the day before you go and if you remember some of them it will be ok don't push yourself hoping to remember everything as you will be nervous ask questions like busiest times of the day how many staff ask to look at their menu say you are in a position to put yourself wholeheartedly into the success of their business as you feel proud at the end of the day to have done the best you can.i don't mean to undermine you at all as you may know as much as i do it's just a few tips to hopefully help i asked one person i interviewed about nut allergies especially in a tea shop and they didn't know anything you probably know nut products can kill just using the cake knife so you may if you want ask if nut products are labeled
i always gave the job not necessarily to the most experienced but to the most friendly who i thought would be hardworking and fair to the staff.
try to enjoy easter as much as you can then think about the interview say to yourself i can do this and be positive and at the end whatever the outcome you will have done your best love hazel
April 6th, 2012, 16:55
Hi Hazel thankyou so much for your tips on my interview its so kind of you to help when you have so much on yourself I can tell instantly that your a lovely caring person and do you know what I know that it may not seem like it at the moment but I know that you will come through this painful time in your life and eventually find peace and happiness because I can tell that you deserve it. I find interviews so frustrating because i know im capable but just not good at interviews and its alien to my nature to sell myself. My mum and dad bless them visited the tea rooms to get information for me on menu etc and then dad took me to show me where it was they are so worried about me and just want to see me happy. They were there for me when my husband left me for someone else after 18 yrs and they are here for me now when Ive lost my precious man and I thank God every day for such wonderful parents and I worry that I cause them stress at a time in their lives when they could really do without it. However enough about me I truly hope that you are ok I was talking to my daughter about you she couldnt believe how awful the people are who you are dealing with and she is only 22 but she also said one day mum those people will get what they deserve because you cant treat people like that and get away with it so take comfort knowing your a good kind person and thats why shaun loved you and no one can take that away. Take care I will let you know about interview
April 15th, 2012, 19:17
hi dawn how are you today just came on to wish you good luck today with the interview i shall be praying you get the job and thinking of you give it your best love hazel
April 16th, 2012, 10:46
hi dawn how are you coping today and how did you get on with the interview if you didn't get the job don't get disheartened as every interview is an experience that will give you knowledge for the next one i am thinking of you and hope your days are getting better but i suppose like us all some days are bad and some days are slightly better try to be opptomistic for your future love hazel
April 18th, 2012, 17:09
Hi hazel so sorry for the delay I havnt been on line for a while but I was so touched that you remembered my interview. To be honest I thought that I had messed up but think Im just feeling a bit negative, however i was sitting in my bedroom crying to a picture of Dave asking him to help me because I was having another low day when the phone rang and it was the lady from the interview inviting me back for second part of interview on Tuesday at half past eleven( to work 2 hours in tearooms and then give negative and positive feedback to them) it was so spooky and very comforting Im sure he heard me so fingers crossed. How are you Hazel I hope that the family are giving you some peace to grieve without any more trouble. Keep strong Hazel its an awful process to go through but im sure both our loved ones are watching out for us .You take good care of yourself and thankyou again for your prayers and kindness, you are in my thoughts, Dawn x
April 19th, 2012, 03:36
hi dawn thanks for getting back to let us know how you are it was mixed feelings when i didn't hear from you as sometimes it can be when at last the person can move on and will not need our support and that is good i have been thinking about you good luck rely on your observations on tue
as to my own plight still the same everyone thinks l haven't a chance fighting all this as the odds are stacked against cohabitees there are so many people in this position that never realise they have no rights not because of all this i am deeply regretting not getting married as to some people it implies you are not commited and in love how wrong they are
maralyn stowe the top solicitor in the country answered to my question yesterday about do i have any chance of winning this case she sent me an email last night and has asked me to ring her she will talk to me and she said it will be no charge so if that isn't help sent from God out of the blue at least i may find out wether i am waisting my money i won't get anything in the end as the savings will cover the court costs but at least i will stop those two getting anything that is what darren would have wanted do you know last week they asked the solicitor what the value of my caravan is
how are you in yourself i know the days can be up and down and some days we just need to sit on the bed with their photo and cry there is so much we want to tell them you know dave will here you and i pray you feel all that love he left with you to give you strength let me know how you are in the future job etc dawn all my love hazel
April 19th, 2012, 17:01
Hi Hazel, that is brilliant news about the solicitor Im sure its your precious Darren watching over you and as you say at least you will get a clear answer to your question because I can imagine that it is going round and round in your head and its totally exhausting when your already exhausted from the terrible process of grieving.Marriage doesnt alter the way that you love someone Im with you totally on that one, love comes from deep within your heart and soul and we both loved our men so very much and it is so sad that the law doesnt recognise that I truly wish you a positive outcome from the phone call, let me know how it goes. I despair at peoples behaviour how insensitive to ask the value of your caravan, I dont know how they sleep at nights. Im very up and down at the moment I seem to cry an awful lot at the moment, but have another counselling session tomorrow, Daves daughters arrived back from the holiday that Dave had booked for us yesterday and today the eldest one texted to say she hoped I was ok and hoped to see me soon, I replied that I wasnt too good and would catch up with her when I got chance but felt dreadfully guilty because I couldnt bring myself to ask if they had a good holiday but I just couldnt and now I feel so mean and its not usually how I am but the truth is that I dont think I have forgiven them yet over my job and other things. You see they told me the business couldnt support me and there wasnt enough money and yet now the youngest one is starting to work there from this week and has packed her other job in. I know I need to let go of these angry feelings but its too much at the moment. You hang in there Hazel my thoughts are with you. Small steps and we will eventually climb this mountain.
best wishes love dawn
April 19th, 2012, 17:42
hi dawn thanks for getting back to me i speak to maralyn on mon you may have seen her on the telly she won a big case last nov that hit the headlines all i want her to tell me is will my case stand up in court
i don't blame you for being aggrieved at their incensitive behaviour i suppose they are young and will never be able to understand your grief no one can unless they have lost the love of their life it's a terrible grief to lose a father i have lost both my mum and dad but your partner in life is so completely different. i suppose you don't want to go down the road of fighting them for your job no way can they make you redundant then employ someone else it is illegal if you want to ring acass it's a govournment free help line and they might make them pay you compensation but it would be worth giving them a ring i know i would you can get the number from the dole office if you did go down this path it will mar your relationship with them so think carefully get advice then it will be up to you wether you act on it
you and i know there is no one that can be closer than your partner in life you share all your thoughts and emotions with them say things to one another that would never be shared with anyone else these families don't realise that they make you feel as if you were nothing and they were more impotant to them it tears you to the bone but you have to cling on to all the love you two shared you know in your heart that you were everything to him no one can take that away from you thinking of you and i hope you are able to cope love hazel
April 20th, 2012, 18:08
Hi hazel. I just read up on maralyn stowe and she sounds brilliant and just the help you need Im so pleased that something positive has happened for you. Thankyou so much for your advice and information Hazel on acas I did think about it but in my heart of hearts I just dont feel that I could go down that route because Dave loved his girls so very much and although I know that he wouldnt approve of my treatment he would never hear any wrong said about his girls and lived his life with the purpose of leaving them well provided for after he died, he talked of it alot. He was brutally honest about the fact that his first wife had hurt him and deceived him and had caused him to have to build himself up again financially and sadly it left him with trust issues that I couldnt resolve no matter how I tried so I dont think he would approve if I took thebusiness to court and caused his girls upset Im angry hurt and upset about my job and how I have been treated because as far as I knew I thought his girls loved me like I loved them so its left me feeling bewildered and struggling with the question why? However. purely out of my love and respect for Dave and the fact that I know he wouldnt want me to fall out with his girls Im going to leave it as I couldnt cope with the upset. Dave was my most precious treasure so although im frightened about losing my job and the worry of keeping my house it cant compare with losing my dave. Thats my story but dont think for a second that you shouldnt fight your case hazel as you know that Darren woulnt want his family to have anything so in effect we are both fulfilling our mens wishes because they were our lives and we loved them and both of us are prerared to lose financially you with your savings and me with my job and you know what Hazel I think that kind of love is hard to find but you and Darren and me and Dave experienced that and no one can take that away from us ever. will be thinking of you Monday keep me posted, take care dawn
April 24th, 2012, 17:44
Hi Hazel I have had you on my mind and wondered how you had gone on with the solicitor on Monday and if you was any clearer on the chances of fighting your case I do hope so . However if the news wasnt good I hope that at least it has cleared the questions that have been going around in your head. I do hope that you are ok , best wishes Dawn x
April 25th, 2012, 12:44
Hello Dawn, its been awhile, hope your OK love, just wanted to say a quick hello. I do read the posts so have a rough idea of things, like to remember you all in me prayers at night. A few uf us have been keeping in touch and helping each other, I think thats abs marvelouis, we don't know each other and that. So you seem to be coping love, we have to in the end don't we, whats the saying? can't complain nobody listens!! I collected Giuls ashes today, bit upset but well you know? Have to take a day at a time. Some of our friends on this forum have been through so much, we all have I know but it is just too much. Hazels planting a flower for our loves in her garden she's a star isn't she. I reckon our loves watch and listen to the things we say and have a right laugh at times. Well Dawn you don't have to reply, just wanted to say still thinking of ya. Your a star too.
April 25th, 2012, 17:24
hi dawn how did the interview go sorry with francis's funeral i forgot about your day until this morning i should have been thinking of your day as well 11.30 and i'm still papering stopped for a break i have a list of flowers to plant now when the weather is better is there a flower for you and dave in my memory flower bed like i said bfore they will grow and stand tall together like all we have shoulder to shoulder in our grief and friendship let me know how you are love hazelxxx
April 26th, 2012, 09:10
hi chrissie thanks for your message, im struggling today because its the anniversary of when me and Dave met on our blind date and we always returned to the same place each year so its difficult and very emotional. I expect its sad for you too chrissie fetching Guils ashes it kind of makes you realize the heart breaking reality of the nightmare doesnt it but we soldier on because we have to so I truly hope that you are ok and have somewhere special in mind that you are going to do with them. I havnt been able to have any input into my beloved Daves ashes his daughters have been in charge of it all and although I know that they have fetched them now and although i keep asking about whats happening with them and when it hasnt been sorted yet which makes me sad. hazel is lovely isnt she and what a lovely thought to plant the flowers such wonderful kind people on this site all helping each other its inspirational. You take care of yourself, everyone of you are in my thoughts. dawn x x
April 26th, 2012, 09:54
hi dawn thinking of you today have not heard from chrissie i am praying she is ok why don't you have a nice meal and toast dave's memory it will be a very courageous thing to do something special because it still is a special day it's the anneversary of when you met it's a day to celebrate stll all those wondeful years don't drink the whole bottle though
how young are dave's daughters i am trying to find an excuse for the way they are treating you i don't know wether they realise how insensitive their behaviour is i know exactly how your feelingin my case i feel two people who were not much to him are trying to steal him away and eliminate me as if i was nothing i could cope better if they were close dave i know as you said loved his girls and be sure in your love for one another he would not have wished this on you and would have hoped for better understanding from his daughters
i hope yu manage to get through the day remembering all the good years you spent together all the love and all the wonderful memories thinking of you hazel
April 26th, 2012, 10:06
dawn i will tell you somethig funny my darren was not the loud comedian type of person he was quiet but he was the most quick witted person i ever met at times he was hilarious we never mentioned him moving in i do remember once saying i wouldn't use him as a meal ticket like some women do thats all and he just stayed
after he had been with me about 18 yrs i said by the way darren are you here to stay as you have never said and quick as anything he said you can't rush these things especially something so important that was his wit hope it made you smile hazelxxx
April 26th, 2012, 14:57
Dearest Hazel, I honestly cant thank you enough for your continued support, its people like yourself that restore my faith in human nature. I must say I got up this morning with a heavy feeling in my heart I miss him so much I wrote dave a letter brought ten red roses one for each year put them by his picture, lit a candle tried so hard to remember the good times but couldnt stop crying its been a tough day think ive been waiting for a sign that he is by my side but i havnt felt it.His daughters are 19 and a half and 23 think i expected a text from them to say they were thinking of me today but perhaps im too sensitive and expect too much, Im like you im baffled and keep thinking that they must not realize how insensitive they have been as i could understand it more if we had not got on well but i thought that we did. The interview went ok i think, the other shortlists were working wed thursday and she is letting me know the outcome tomorrow and dont worry you cant remember everything you have had such alot happening yourself I didnt expect you to think about the interview. Also Hazel what a beautiful thought to plant flowers for everyone I cant thank you enough for that. We both loved flowers, all kinds, I always gave him red roses and his birth flower is violets but honestly any flower or plant would be wonderful and i am so touched by your generosity, let me know what you plant and i will write it in my memorybook and thankyou all our men side by side just like us. Hope your papering is nearly done i decorated my daughters room it keeps you focused doesnt it. the story about Darren did make me laugh he sounded really funny warm and humorous its good to have those memories Hazel and i can picture you as a perfect couple whose love will be there forever. You take care love Dawn x x x by the way i did hear from chrissie she had fetched Guils ashes so was feeling a little sad understandably but she was also touched by your lovely thought with the flowers x x x
April 27th, 2012, 03:21
Hello dawn love, do read your posts to our lovely Hazel, my heart does ache for ya love, family members just don't have a clue of what we are going through do they? And yet as you say on this forum I have met the best that God has made in this world, every time I read posts my heart sort of swells up
with pride for us all, in that we stand together in all our broken heartedness, if that makes sense. I was sad to read about your mans ashes, i'm sorry love but that is so callous of them, i pray they will change their minds on this.
Well love you take care, all here together us walking wounded, yesterdy I thought to myself, whats going to happen when all me forum friends move on from it, sad that but it did come to mind.
Keep taking one step at a time.
Love and hugs
April 27th, 2012, 12:13
Hello Hazel, I'm still here reading through all the broken hearted stories. You OK love? Im OK been out most of day today, some sunshine too, makes all the difference dosn't it? I was glad to hear that Roo is thinking of getting a puppy, will help him greatly. Glad yrv finished the decorating, whats next? Will look out for you tomorrow, have a better day tom than today. Saying a few prayers for our dear Dawn and all our buddies. I would like to give those girls a good slap.
Speak later love. chrissie. XX
April 27th, 2012, 12:15
Hello Dawn I'm sorry for your hurting heart, can't give you a real hug but sending one now to ya. Today is a sad one for ya, I know, will be praying for you later. Take care. chrissie. xx
April 27th, 2012, 12:44
hi dawn how did the day go been to the solicitors today had to write down all what we did for one another it's very hard just facts nothing emotional
you will laugh at this minnie has come into season early and barney was sniffing around so i've been to mothercare and she is now running around with a nappy on
most days we feel sad some days we feel anger some days we feel lost and today i just feel numb
my sons bedroom is now almost finished just got to get a new bed the rest of the house is a pig sty all the bits and pieces and equipment is in the other rooms as hall carpet is coming on tues and i had to smile usually all the house is tidy except for ashleys room and for once the only room in the house tidy is his it won't last
was thinking of you so much last night let us know how you coped all my love hazelxxx
April 27th, 2012, 13:20
Hello to everyone reading this post. I would ask any of you that pray to pray for a child of 11years old, her name is Mirium, mimi, she has ovarium cancer stage 4, they have removed her parts and she received her second chemo today. She collasped, her blood count is too low and she has a serious infection. She lives in Germany and I have had permission to do this from her family. The doctors are very worried for her. If we can all pray for her and her family, they are devistated, mimi's mum also had cancer and had a double masectomi only last month. So terrible, and I know that many of us that use this forum will understand how sad and painful this is for them. We are asking |God to heal her and restore her organs to health, and let her live. Bless you all for helping, I will keep you updated. chrissie. God bless.
April 27th, 2012, 14:13
hi chrissie sent you a private message we all know as we last leave the hospital after our own private battle with cancer that there we leave hundreds of others who continue with there struggle and we never forget them and their families they are always on our minds
but the saddest news is to hear of the young children like mimi GOD BLESS THEM ALL i will not say any other prayers tonight only that please lord look down on mimi her family and all children suffering tonight bless them dear lord we know you are with them in their suffering
April 27th, 2012, 14:41
Thank you darling.god bless chrissie.xx
April 27th, 2012, 17:40
other refuge have i none
hangs my helpless soul on thee
leave oh leave me not alone
still support and comfort me
all our trust on thee is stayed
all my help from thee i bring
cover miriam's defenceless head
with the shadow of thy wing
April 28th, 2012, 03:41
Oh Hazel so beautiful, thank you love, I will send this prayer to my friend she's off to Germany tomorrow to see mimi and family, her heart is ripped open with grief for her little great neice, mimi. Thankyou love. God bless you.
April 28th, 2012, 04:34
Dear chrissie, jjust sent hazel a private message because getting confused if im posting correctly just found some messages from you and hazel i didnt know i had so sorry for that. How are you are you ok well as ok as possible I know that each day is different and can bring different emotions. i was so sad to read about the little girl mimi I can only imagine what her family must be going through and she is in my prayers.Daves daughter came to see me yesterday she brought a birthday card and present for my youngest daughter and its actually Daves daughters birthday today I felt bad because i usually put money in her card but money has been a worry so made her a strawberry pavalova because its her favourite and a bottle of wine. Whilst she was there i got news that i had got the job i applied for and she hugged me and said she was really pleased and later the other daughter texted to congratulate me so that was lovely and made me feel better although a little guilty too for having been angry with them even though all my friends and family think that im justified feeling let down by them i still dont like feeling like it. Anyway chrissie you take good care of yourself keep soldiering on, your in my thoughts lots of hugs Dawn x x x
April 28th, 2012, 05:26
Morning Dawn, I know what you mean, I go round in circles some days on forum, not the forums fault, it's me, I still like pen and paper, a dinasour. Glad that the girls remembered you, it is hard to be pleasent to people when they hurt you, but anger only hurts us in the end, not them, so I hope that all will be sorted between you. My hubby's family have turned away from me too, they sent me photo's of his ist wedding day, no problems with ist wife, we were on friendly terms this past 37 years, well I thought we were, who knows? I have made my peace with them, I asked them why they had sent them to me cos in my present state of mind, it ripped my heart out. They reacted very aggresively and I asked Tom on the forum what to do, he said the same as I thought, just move on. so i said to them all was a misunderstanding and left it at that. No phonecalls, they refused to come to the funeral too, though they are in Slavinja. But it does hurt so.
Anyway, I'm glad for you getting the job, well done. Have read the posts to our Hazel, i'm a nosy person. You have a good weekend now, weather here in Kent is a washout, never mind. we need the rain they say. Thanks love for your thoughts and prayers for mimi, my friend is on her way there, Germany now. Don't have any more news yet, they say that no news is good news, I hope so in this case. Thinking of ya. be blessed chrissiexx hugs.
April 28th, 2012, 06:04
I know what you mean by dealing with family. Jim had one sister and that is all that left from his family. For many years they were estranged becuase she never came to her own mothers funeral. Finally 2 years ago they got back together after Jim called her. He had decided that life was too short to stay mad at someone for so long. They arted talkingonce a week and we visited her several times ( she lives only 4 hours away). All the weeks he was in the hospital I called her everyday. The day he died I called her immediatley and then called her a few hours later to let her know the funeral was the next day. ( We have to have a funeral within 24 hours). She said she would try to come. She never came to the funeral and has never called me . I am so hurt and angry, I want to call her and tell her what I think of her,but my kids told me to just let it go. I thought I had until yesterday on my way home from work, I started thinking about it again and realized how angry and hurt I still am because when I looked at the speedometer and I was going 90 miles an hour. I said to Jim she is nt worth a ticket or getting into an accident.
My prays are with Mimi today and will be everyday.
April 28th, 2012, 19:31
hi chrissie, I honestly despair sometimes at the cruelty of people its despicable to send photos like that to you I dont understand it at all and sometimes I wonder if we are put through these testing times as a way to toughen us up and make us stand up for ourselves because our loved ones are trying to ensure that we wont keep letting ourselves be put upon and are encouraging us to fight and move us forward do you know what i mean ? because my Dave was always telling me I was so soft so perhaps our loved ones are teaching us to be tough for our own sake, just a thought. You take care dont let them get you down love and hugs dawn x x
April 28th, 2012, 21:07
hi chrissie dawn and cheryl and all why oh why can families be so cruel i don't know you would really expect them all to come together in love for the deceased your loved one wouldn't you in my own case brother sister just words without meaning it's the word love that counts has more meaning to a lot of people unfortunately because they are bought up together doesn't mean they love sad as it is
sheryl if you drive 90 miles an hour again i shall have to come over there and confiscate your car don't want to be writing about your demise on here due to an accident but sometimes i'm driving deep in my thoughts and all of a sudden i'm at my destination and i think how did i get here i don't remember the journey it's a blank
received about 40 phone calls now all asking for darren it's so upsetting all people asking about selling gas electricity phones etc i've started screaming at them to sod off
thinking of you all love hazelxxx
April 29th, 2012, 15:32
Hello sheryl love, glad to here from you, glad your getting on and getting stronger each day. I have only just found ya post, one of these days I'll get it right. Sorry about yr sister in law, when we lose a loved one all we want is a little support, kindness and understanding don't we? You would think we were asking for the world. Giuls relatives told me that they were greiving more than me, my brother almost blew a gasket, I just said leave it, ya can't make people love ya, can ya? And I willn't give permision to them to ruin my life, if they have a problem then they can keep it. Sheryl you have ya daughter and son and baby Heather, if this person chooses to miss all that then its her loss, ain't it?
I expect you are still having good and bad days, can't avoid it can we? This weekend I have been kept busy and it has made so much difference. God gave us friends to make up for our families, maybe?
Hows your job going and the long drive there and back, maybe getting really tired is a good thing, this forum has helped me so much though, when close ones make it clear to us that we should be moving on, we can come here and know that we won't be judged, just listened to and encouraged. A God send.
I'm glad to here your OK Love, who knows some dy we might all meet up, what laugh that will be, make a change from crying. Take care love/
April 29th, 2012, 15:55
Hello dawn love, I get lost in the posts too. You OK today? Yes I concur with you, I just answered Sheryls post,about family, yes Giuls used to tell me I was to soft and allowed people to take advantage, but I coudn't be hard hearted, even as a kid at school, if a kid was being bullied I would get caught up in it and recieved a beating on more than one occasion. This forum kind of restores my trust in human nature, so many good souls helping each other.
I don't know what you believe in Dawn but I believe we get one chance at this life and so should make the best of it with all it's heartbreak and dissapointments and grow through them and something good can come out of something bad. Though I don't know why some have to suffer so much in this life, maybe all our questions will be answered one day when we get called home. I do believe that our loved ones are somehow praying for us there, I don't believe in communing with the dead through mediums, no, but I do think they can here us through God. Don't know if that makes sense. Through the loss of my precious hubby, i feel that new doors will be opened and I can choose to go through or stay where I am, the choice is there for all of us and there never is any pressure or pushing to go through, we choose. And Dawn I pray with all my heart that we all be be enabled to do it one day when each of us is stronger.
I have one more post to do to Hazel, see how those little puppy wuppy's are doing, did you read the nappy story, I laughed, couldn't get the image out of my head. So take care of yourself, still praying for you, take you all to |heaven with me last thing at night. Be blessed.
April 29th, 2012, 18:42
Glad to hear you are getting better and stronger. Yes there are good days and bad ones, but mostly there are good and bad hours. At this moment that is how I live, hour to hour. Yesterday I had lunch with my daughter and we went shopping. Heather was visiting with one of Michelle's friends for a few hours. Everyone wants to babysit Heather. Then I spent a few hours with the baby which is always a blessing. She looks just like Jim and has alot of his mannerisms. His spirit is definately in that child. My neighbor today said that was definetly a blessing. I don't believe much but I do believe that.
Work has been good for me. The people there are always talking about Jim and they allow me to cry when I need to and always I have even laughed once or twice. It so nice to work sround people who understand that I need time and support and they are there for me no matter what my mood is. They keep me very busy and when I get home I am exhausted. To some extent it has allowed me to fall asleep earlier but then I am up a few hours later. This past week I worked on Friday. Never again, it took me over 2 hours to get home.
Thanks to everyone on this forum, I have started to pray again. I bought a book called "Talking to God." by Rabbi Naomi Levy. There are someone very moving prays that say exactly how I feel. I would put some of them on the forum tommorrow.
Glad your getting out, I know that must help and yes our loved one want us to go on. We all have to take it one step at a time.
You have gotten me thinking about getting a puppy. My kids have also been encouraging me to do that. Jim and I had talked about getting a dog, but we never did. We always felt that we worked so much the dog would be home alone alot of the time. He also didn't want to have to walk it before work or in the snow and cold. I want a little dog that will not get bigger then 10 pounds. I am still in the thinking stage but have been looking online at different types of dogs.
Take care both of you and I would love to meet you both some day.
Love and hugs,
April 30th, 2012, 05:56
Hello sheryl, glad your OK. I think that we all have those times when we think that it is getting better, then something brings back memories, it is still early days for you love but you are doing so well with your job and that. If you get a puppy will you have someone to be with them in the day? You might come home to a destroyed house. My old cat ebani, barmy for short, quite bonkers, he seems to know when i need a cuddle and cats can be left all day if i am out and about.
Your book on prayer sounds good, my Jewish friends are very honest about things, I like that and so does God, prayers that say exactly whats going on in ourt hearts are the best ones. I may get one from Amazon myself.
Sheryl I'm probably repeating meself here, if I am please excuse me love, my great great grandfather on my dads side of family came to England from Poland, he was a polish Jew,he was escaping the usual stuff. And my grandfather on my mums side came from Greek Jews, I know that we have to be born from a Jewish mum but I always knew I was Jewish and at the age of 18 wanted to convert. Things went wrong in my life so it didn't happen. I don't know why I'm saying this now, but wanted to say you are one of Gods chosen and are precious to Him. I am going to learn about my roots and this weekend I am going to keep the Sabbath from sundown friday till sundown Saturday, be preparing everything in advance and will spend the Sabbath with God, resting in Him. I feel this is right for me and I believe that Giuls is delighted too. I would appreciate any of your advice and your prayers love.
I haven't heard from Clare< she's getting all the house done up, and is very busy, when we spoke on the phone we were crying and laughing together, it's so hard isn't love?
Hazel is a star and helps us all so much, we all keep in touch, even though we have our own peers and family, this forum is something special, we all understand don't we?
Well Sheryl, have a good week, if you can, speak soon love.xxx
April 30th, 2012, 12:35
was out early this morning. went to physical therapy at 8:30am. Have 2 more appointments and then I will have to do the excercises at home. My foot still hurts and it has been 15 weeks since I broke my foot. Thre doctor had told me that I could end up with arthiritis and I think she is right. I then went shopping. We have a large outlet mall here and I went to look for shoes that are comfortable. I have been wearing sneakers since the cast came off and I am tired of wearing them everyday, I bought a pair of crocs which seem to work. I will see when I wear them to work tommorrow (I will take my sneakers with me just in case. I then walked around and ending up spending more money on 6 new tops. Oh Well!! You, hazel and clare would love this shopping center. If you ever come to New york we could spent at least 2 days there.
I don't have anyone to watch a dog during the day, but I wouldn't get it until the summer so I could train it. I had thought about a cat, but Jim didn't ever want a cat.
Any help you need with questions about judaism please ask. I am going to start lighting shabbos candles on friday night. My mother always did when we were kids and I did it for years when I first got married. I don't remember why I stopped.
Going to have lunch now and going to see Heather later.
Speak to you soon
Love and hugs Sheryl
April 30th, 2012, 12:45
See you love enjoy ya lunch, give that littleuns big hugs. xxx chrissie.
April 30th, 2012, 14:59
Shalom in Yeshua everyone. I have just had a call from Chrissie. Her computer has died!! Her new one comes on Thursday so she won't be able to post until then.
May God bless you all