PDA

View Full Version : my husband died saturday, and a strange experience


emurray612
November 13th, 2011, 10:32
i've never felt like this before.
it's not even an emotional pain in my "heart" like i've known in the past. it's in my stomach somewhere. it's not even a pain that i can feel it's just like a big hole in my gut.
there's just this emptiness.

my husband was 17 years older than, he was 67 and i am 50. we were together for about 6 years.
he always had liver problems, but was finally rushed to hosp about 3 weeks ago, and they found he had chronic liver disease plus his bowel had ruptured and he needed major surgery for that, but they couldn't do it as he would not have survived it due the liver disease. they said there was nothing they could do except put him on a strong morphine drip for the pain so that he could be as comfortable as possible his last days.

i suffer with depression and i've not been the easiest person to live with and now beating myself up about all the things i wish i had or had not said or done.

i guess i "knew" this was gonna happen one day from quite a while back because of his serious illness. maybe that's why i've been feeling so numb emotionally even for the past 18 months. but i was living in denial that it would happen, and trying to cling to the "dream" of the wonderful future we should have. i kept asking him to promise me, even just about 3 or 4 weeks ago, that he wouldn't vanish a puff of smoke and leave me alone in this world, at least until i felt able to deal with it. he did used to promise me that he wasn't about to disappear and leave me behind, but i guess that was not his place to make such a promise, and too much for me to ask.

about a week before he died, when the dr's told us both there was nothing more they could do, i sat beside his bed in the hosp, and asked him, "will you come back for me?" and he said fervently, "you better **** well believe it i will!" maybe he was just being kind to me saying that? i mean, i know he can't physically reappear i'm not that crazy lol, but maybe he meant that he'll be out there waiting for me when it't my turn to join him? i keep having moments when i just want to go join him right now, but i have to hope thati will see him again when it's my turn.

i did in fact have a strange experience in my home the night he died. i had been upset, and i dozed off to sleep on the couch. about 10 minutes later i was woken up suddenly feeling very cold, like a sudden blast of coldness (but not actually a breeze) all around me. i shivered with the cold and checked the house. there was no drafts thru the doors or windows, and the heating was on full. i checked outside there was no wind it was a calm foggy night. so then i went to my bed. about 2 hours later i was woken up again with the same blast of coldness. i actually felt terrifed then, and went round my house switching on every light i was really spooked. then i just said softly aloud, "i love you." and made a hot drink and calmed myself thinking that if it was him, then he wouldn't do anything to frighten me without reason. one of his pals from the bar says the mind can play tricks when we are distressed, but i feel sure i didn't imagine it. it hasn't happened since but maybe it was his way of letting me know he's still out there somewhere.

sorry for going on and on but it just helps to tell someone.

hamilton
November 22nd, 2011, 13:36
Please don't ever feel a need to apologize and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my longtime girlfriend (11+ yrs) last month. I've never felt pain like this before either. Empty is a good way to put it. I don't usually feel the full force of this or even close I think because it's too much and I'm mostly numb or just "short-circuited" somehow. But it does hit on occasion - at times like a tsunami, literally massive waves of grief. Other times it's not so intense, more like an intense pressure on the back of my neck and a steady but less severe "current."

i suffer with depression and i've not been the easiest person to live with and now beating myself up about all the things i wish i had or had not said or done. Wow does that hit home. Depression is of course a huge problem and I have beat myself up quite a bit too, though I'm betting a lot more deservedly so than you, so stand aside and let an expert through......

he did used to promise me that he wasn't about to disappear and leave me behind, but i guess that was not his place to make such a promise, and too much for me to ask. True on both counts, but perfectly understandable that you did.

i know he can't physically reappear i'm not that crazy lol, but maybe he meant that he'll be out there waiting for me when it't my turn to join him? i keep having moments when i just want to go join him right now, but i have to hope thati will see him again when it's my turn. I"m not that crazy either and yet I have asked, prayed and hoped for it numerous times ie her appearing. I have yelled out loud that if I could just see her one more time (in this world), even if only for a sec, to say I'm sorry for so much and I love her. Really even just to KNOW she still exists out there somewhere would be huge beyond belief. Whatever is out there I hope and almost expect I will see her when my time comes too.

Your "cold" experience is interesting, and who knows? It might have been the only small, indirect way he was permitted to reach out. I have one which is even easier to chalk up to a hundred other things other than her (coincedence, etc etc) - her old washer has been acting up for a long time. She kept saying she wanted to get it fixed but neither of us got around to getting on that. It would start spinning when it wasn't supposed to, and most of all continually running onto the next cycle after the only one selected was done etc etc. Well it doesn't do any of that any more, it works perfectly. I haven't heard of too many machines which are broke suddenly working fine, but again of course it's easy to dismiss as "just one of those things." But I have to wonder.....

Take care, God bless, and hang in there.

IFeelHopeless
November 28th, 2011, 13:26
As I put on the other thread you posted on, sorry for your loss and I hope you get all the support you need.

As hamilton says, never feel the need to apologise. You are amongst people who have some kind of understanding for what you are currently experiencing and will never accuse you of 'going on'. Talk as much as you need.