October 18th, 2011, 04:35
When my husband died I had been his primary caregiver since he fell ill. And the doctors told us he could be prone to sudden death but how can you make your heart believe that? He stressed and taxed his body on our last day together so he could make sure our old dog got home safely. And I watched over him all night and had gotten so tired because he had been unwell for a couple of weeks. Even more than usual. And I finally got his fever down and covered him up and told him I loved him. He lay in bed so peaceful. And due to the fact he had been so ill, I was sleeping in the other bedroom. I woke up after less than 2 hours and darted into his bedroom and he was dead. I started CPR on him(I'm an EMT part time). And he was gone...I said to him, I'm not going to bring you back to this body. I am so sorry, I love you. And called the paramedic. I wanted to try and bring him back but I knew how selfish that would be...only for me. For him it would have been a nightmare. I feel guilty because I couldn't let him go earlier, and sad because he is gone. A lonliness so deep I can't describe it. And no that my father has passed away several days ago I just can't find peace. I'm sorry and guilty i couldn't have been a better wife, a better daughter. I just want to hide from the world but I know that won't help. I am trying and I pray alot. It feels like I am at the bottom of the well and there is no way I can climb to the top. And maybe I should just give up.