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William64.5
July 13th, 2011, 12:45
After a 12 year fight with Cancer my wife of 43 years moved on to be with the Lord. It has been a little over 1-1/2 years and I am still verry lonely. Even though my wife stated several times that she had no regretts of our life together; I still feel guilty for not doing more for her. When she was sitting with her mother, her mother told her about seeing her late husband and mother. Pauline responded that "It was OK to go to them and that she loved her. The same suggestion was made to me by the chaplin at the hospital where Pauline was. I tried so hard to say that to her but the words would not come out. The thought not giving her the comfort of knowing that it was OK makes me feel so gilty of being selfish. Mabey it is shame.

tom-fisherman
July 13th, 2011, 15:02
Shalom in Yeshua William, my, 12 years fighting cancer, she must have been a strong woman.

You are not selfish at all. Most of us would cling to every moment we could to keep our loved ones with us, so please don't feel guilt about not saying those words to her. The truth is after 43 years together deep down you already know that she was aware how you felt and that she still loves you 'just as you are'.

We are taught to talk to our loved ones as they can still hear us. She will be praying for you and trying to tell you not to worry about how she passed over, so talk to her. The years here on earth are a matter of seconds in the next life, so she will be joyfully waiting for you to come to her, and you will see her when she comes to take you home with her!!

May God bless you
Tom

William64.5
July 13th, 2011, 15:52
Thank you, Tom for those thoughts.

mjunicorn
July 13th, 2011, 19:05
William: Do not feel guilty, she knew that you would be OK and that the Lord would help you through. I lost my husband of 29 years this past April. I know that he is watching over me and I bet your wife is also. Try to get up every morning and thank God and ask him to help you through the day. I also find that if I remember the good times and laugh, it helps

My prayers are with you

William64.5
July 14th, 2011, 14:06
Thanks for caring.
The memories that pop into my mind give me joy but when the moment is over it seems that the memory is another reason I miss her. I think that I need to get out and meet someone that I can do things with and share with. But, I am afraid that it will lead to more heartach and pain.

Redfoxx
November 5th, 2011, 16:32
My life-mate of 37 years was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer 3 and 1/2 years ago and because it was so far advanced she chose no treatment. All she wanted was one last Christmas with her family and she got it. During this time she was the strong one and I was the weak link. We both could not put our support in word although she did apologize (believe it or not) that this is not the way she expected things to turn out as she wanted to be the one to look after me. She entered hospital and I stayed with her virtually 24 hours a day, sleeping in the room at night and taking only short spells away while my two children stayed with her. Eight days later, I was spelled off by my children, went home and lay down on the bed. Twenty minutes later my son came in, woke me up and said that his mother had passed. The guilt I felt for days after was so great that I did not want to go on living. I had failed her by not being strong for her in the prev. six month; I had not opened up to her on the certainty that we were facing on her impending death and to make matters worse-I was not there to hold her hand when it came time for her Spirit to leave this Earth. I forgave myself because I knew that she had forgiven me all along this road and I loved her all the more for it. There is no blame in this and we have to accept that for what it is worth. Cherish her memory; I go to sleep each night 3 years later and I conjure up different wonderful moments that we shared all of those year and believe me there are many. I can see her in my thoughts at this time and I would give up everything I own just to have her enter my dreams for one minute and allow me to hear her voice just one more time. Stay strong and don't give in. Things will get better; just give it a chance.

William64.5
January 18th, 2012, 10:03
Thanks for your story. I know what I have experianced is not unique or different. Today is the second aneversry of her passing. How long does the emptyness and loneleness last? I, like you, every night pray that I could meet her in my dreams for a little while. Just to hold her and hear her voice one more time.

Redfoxx
September 7th, 2012, 17:26
William- it has now been 3.5 years since Mary passed on and awhile ago I met my cousin who had lost his wife to cancer 7 years previous. I asked him when does it start getting better and he answered " It doesn't; it just becomes more bearable". There is no timeline when we lose our true love, our anchor to life, our friend and sparring partner. I truely believe that this is a testament to the strong and enduring ties we had with that other person. I, for one, have faith that we (our spirits) will meet again and until then we must find the strength to just carry on down the Road of Life. The capacity to recall memories of our past lives together is a two edged sword- happy to recall many scenerios from marriage thru building a life together but at the same time, a provoker of tears and heartache in wishing for a life that we know we cannot go back in time to repeat. I ask God's Blessing on you and to allow you to find the inner strength within you to deal with this loss. "Ask and it shall be given onto you". I believe and I pray that one day, that hole and pain in your chest that is currently the size of your heart will slowly diminish and allow you to conquor each new day. God Bless.

heavenlygirl
September 27th, 2012, 18:07
I am so very sorry for your losses. I agree with the statement that it doesn't ever get easier - you just learn a new way to cope and find a different kind of happiness. But you never truly get over the love of your life.

Rayzsvt
October 2nd, 2012, 03:32
William, my wife has been gone now for seven months. It still feel like yesterday. I cry every night missing her. I hope that our spirits will join later. I have no words of wisdom but to stay strong as she would want you too. I know that they are looking over us as we carry on. I am a hugger my friend, So here is a hug.

gumek
October 2nd, 2012, 05:43
Hello dear friends, william, redfoxx,, heavengirland rayzsvt,please forgive me but I may have posted to you before and wanted to join with you all in speaking of our lost loves. I am so sorry for all the heartache and lonliness that you are feeling there are days that are easier to cope and days when no releif can be found. This time last year my giuliano was fighting for his life the ist lot of chemo had destroyed his immune system he caught an infection that couldn't be healednd so from july till december was in and out of hospital then he agreed to have more chemo, they said it would probably kill him,which it did. I know that we don't want to keep going over these memories because they cause us such pain, i recently posted on how i have been dreading dec7th, the anniversary of his passing, I am so afraid as to how to cope. Last year many of the firsts were early on, my birthday ,christmas his funeral 30th, our 34th wedding 21st janand so this time will be second timer round. On chritmas day last year iwas numb,it just happened but this one may realy hit hard. I am a person of faith too and know that he is waiting, its just so hard.
We all have to make new lives for ourselves don't we,just pray for god to show us what that will be and to comfort us and strenghten all of us on forum who have lost that presious one who was everything to us. Thankyou for listeni.ng.

Chrissie xx

pw5599
December 24th, 2012, 08:09
All such sad stories about such a horrible disease. I've tried to reduce it to it's simplest terms. It's a living thing and it has an instinct to survive just as anything does. It has no mind, no conscience, no guilt. It just wants to live and thrive. Is it evil? Yes it is but I dont think it knows that.

As I go through the whole thing with my wife we have so many questions, so many tears, so many emotions. I recall years ago as a young couple talking about who goes 1st and each saying I want to go 1st so I dont have to suffer the rest of my life without you my love. She always said she'd surely be the one to go 1st. That wasnt out of fear or selfishness but just something she believed.

Those talks when young were quite meaningless and something we could not begin to grasp. It was just some young lovers talking about the future. I'm sure in the moments after that conversation we were talking about future plans such as kids, jobs, homes....or jumping into bed to enjoy each other again! Wasnt youth great.

Now 30 years later that future is here and one of us is dying. Turns out it is her. She supposedly got the easy way out, according to those young lovers many years ago. But now she has to deal with guilt and hurt that I and her many friends and family feel. I tell her not to feel any of those things, it's not her fault and it's just life, the roll of the dice. Someone has to go 1st in most cases and I try to assure her I will survive as best I can and to use her energy now for herself in hopes of some sort of miracle. We're both realists but hold onto hope, that miracle. Maybe the magic of Christmas will shine upon us.

I try to look at the months previous, and the days to come as a whole picture. I've been there for her throughout. I put her first each and every day. Everything else in my life took a back seat. It's something I had to do for me and for her. If by chance one single event in that sea of events passes me by, I know she would never be angry or sad I missed it, she just appreciates the whole thing. She always tells people how good I take care of her and that makes me feel good.

I do hope I am there for each big event but if I'm not able to for some reason or other I hope at that time I can shed any guilt and think about what I did overall. I did well, I took on the difficult task put before me and saw it through. I made a difference for her in her last days on this earth. It would do no good to dwell on any of the what if's, should have's, or could haves.

You people too should not feel any guilt for events missed. You did your best and your partners appreciated all you did, that's something you can be proud of. We've been given the tough job, we've been left behind. Our energy is now needed for ourselves and our partners will help through their spirit if we allow them to.

Perhaps it's easy for me to say, I have yet to pass through that final door into that cold dark room that is waiting for me as the surviving spouse. I can only hope I will take my own advice when that happens.