18 and my dad has died

[blondie89]

I can't believe that my dad is dead. It's been two weeks and four days, 16th of Feb he was killed in a car accident. Our relationship was complex, we rubbed each other up the wrong way and he seemed to focus more on his business than his family. But he loved me and I loved him and he made such an effort to redeem himself. He knew me so well it surprised me, and we were getting to be as close as we were when I was younger. But then he was taken away from me.

I know it's really selfish but I'm 18, my dad isn't meant to be dead and it's not fair. I hear people in their 50s and 60s at work or wherever talking about their dad and I feel an overwhelming resentment towards them that their dads are alive and mine isn't. I know it's awful but I really do. He'll never see me finish uni, I never got to tell him my module results and he was so supportive of me with that module- I thought I wouldn't pass and I got a 2/1. 2 marks off a first in fact. He'll never see me have children, become a teacher, find a partner. It's just not fair. My sister's 15 and I can't believe he was taken away from us so suddenly and so early. It shouldn't happen and I just can't cope.

There aren't any books that relate to me, I'm not a child and not really an adolescent any more, but all the adult books speak of people in their 30s and 40s. I feel so alone and no-one can relate. The closest is a 38 year old friend of mine who lost her dad to a long term illness when she was 29. She was 11 years older and, although it's a horrible thing to say, she was prepared.

If anyone knows of a book I can relate to that would be brilliant, I just don't know what to do. I feel so selfish but Uni have offered no help what so ever and friends simply dodge the subject as it's completely out of their scope of knowledge. Colleagues have offered their empathy, but again it's people in their 30s, 40s, 50s. Though it was still awful for them at least they had longer with their dad.

Sorry for rambling, sorry for being a selfish bitch. Could someone just talk to me though?

[luciestorrs]

Dear blondie89,

I am SO sorry that your dad has died; what an enormous shock it must have been to you all. I'd like to assure you that you are most certainly not being selfish - all the feelings you are going through are quite normal...

You asked if anyone knew of any books which might help you - well, in the Light Beyond bookstore there's a section on books just for teens so I hope you might be able to relate to some of those. Click here to go straight to the teens section of the bookstore.

I did a bit of research in the Internet for you and also found this:
http://www.udel.edu/DSP/SGCF/books.html

There actually are quite a few books out there for teens - I so hope you and your sister manage to get hold of some and work through them. Have you asked your Uni for counselling? If you stamp your foot a little and insist that you need it I am sure that some help will be made available.

Take good care of yourself, and keep posting whenever you need to get your feelings out in the open.

[luciestorrs]

I've found this one for you now, too, it looks promising:

http://www.rd4u.org.uk/
RD4U is a website designed for young people by young people. It is part of Cruse Bereavement Care's Youth Involvement Project and is here to support people after the death of someone close.

RD4U means the 'road for you' - the main aim of the site is to let you find your own 'road' to dealing with your loss.

Hope some of these resources are useful. Hang in there...

[blondie89]

Thank you so much for finding all that for me, I'll start looking through now. I'm actually already seeing a counseller at Uni as a family friend was killed in a motorbike accident, another family friend died of an overdose, and a friend and ex colleague of mine committed suicide. And this has all been since October so...

I went to see the doctor yesterday and he put me on Citalopram, which will apparently make things easier in a couple of weeks, though all it does right now is make me feel nauseus as if I'm on a boat.

Thank you for replying and offering support. It's nice to actually have some input other than 'aww, do you wanna go for a cigarette?' well yes but an actual chat would be nice too!

I'll go check out those links now anyways,

Thanks again x

[AmyJoyce]

Hi blondie89,

Poor you, you've gone through so much in the last few months. Adding to what Lucie wrote, I happen to know that there's a branch of Cruse in Newcastle:

Cruse Bereavement Care - www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
St. Gabriels Av, Newcastle upon Tyne - +44 191 276 5533

Perhaps you could give them a ring for more specific counseling?

Amy x

[blondie89]

Oh thank you, I was trying to find that actually but couldn't, I think I will. I was hoping there'd maybe be a support group going on somewhere as I don't live with my family any more and they're about 30/40 miles away so I feel very lonely in this situation.

I'll give them a ring this afternoon.

Thanks again

xx

[luciestorrs]

Originally Posted by blondie89

Thank you so much for finding all that for me

I went to see the doctor yesterday and he put me on Citalopram, which will apparently make things easier in a couple of weeks, though all it does right now is make me feel nauseus as if I'm on a boat.

You're welcome!

Re. Citalopram, it's not the only antidepressant out there by a long way so if it keeps making you feel sick, make sure you ask to try different ones until you find one that suits you. I remember being fine on Prozac for ages until they changed the formulation and the pills were a different colour - and then THEY made me feel sick too. By then I felt able to come off them so I used that as a good reason to stop.

For you, right now, I think they're a good idea as they'll give you a bit of breathing space. Hang in there until they take effect, whatever antidepressant pills you end up with...

Your post about your friends reminded me of our reader Bianca who wrote into the blog. You can read her post and my reply here as I thought you might find parts of it helpful - namely the part about telling your friends what you want from them. I've reproduced that bit below:

"Re. talking to people - I think many people would not realise that it is enough just to listen. Perhaps tell them what you need from them, i.e. someone to listen to you, and that they are not required to come up with 'solutions'. I think this is what people feel expected to come up with, which is why they feel awkward around people who are grieving, as of course there is no 'solution' or magic fix. Try telling your friends what you need from them and see if this helps."

Again, though, it makes more sense if you read the whole post...
http://thelightbeyond.typepad.com/bl...s-story-c.html

Good luck with your phone calls. Thanks Amy for getting the address!
Let us know how you get on.

L x

[Nicola]

So sorry to hear about your loss, my dad died on 11th November 2007 and i have no advice for you as im still strying to get over it, one my sisters was only 18 when he passed and she kinda keeps things close to herself.

Regarding your medication, my doctor put me on citalopram 2 years ago when i was very depressed about other things and they worked for me. For about the first 6 weeks i felt a little sick and quite sleepy but eventually those effects wear off and you start feeling so much better. After a year, he cut my dose down by half and then 6 months later i came off them completely.

Im not saying that life is perfect now, its far from it but my head is much more stable now.

Take care xxxxxxxxxxxx

[allenennyl]

Hi, i am 29, 30 in two months i lost my dad 4 months ago and i to feel to young to be going through this, i don't know how i am doing it but i am, all i can say to you is keep working at it you will get there.
My sister felt the loss of my dad very hard as he died th day before her 21st, she feels as though she has missed out sharing all those special land marks in her life with him, but in some way she knows that he will see them. Take care of yourself.

[blondie89]

I'm sorry for your loss, and I have complete empathy with your sister. Citalopram seems to be working now, it's been two weeks and my panic attacks have stopped though my mood is yet to lift. I'm glad they've helped you to a degree. The sleepyness is very annoying, I'm hoping it will go soon as the nausea have. Much love xxx