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  #1  
Old February 15th, 2008, 12:13
LettersToYou LettersToYou is offline
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Default Dealing with grief after loss of mother

I'm a 23 year old male, and I lost my mother in September 2006 to colon cancer.

I've lived with the knowledge that due to her illness of colitis, she was fragile. I always felt it, and when she got ill I feared for the worse. After the diagnosis of cancer I felt this was the end, and let my father and her spend a lot of time together. None of us discussed the fact she was going to die in front of her; even when it was certain. We all decided, on the basis of who she was, that we would not mention it so she did not need to be afraid. That was the correct decision, as she was a fearful woman, terrified of death.

However this did not allow me to say all the things I wanted to. I did when she was asleep a week before she died, in the hospital. But I said them under my breath, and she did not hear. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, and how much she spent to me, and how I regretted not showing it as much as I should have. I was stroppy teenager, and did not get out of that until it was too late. She'd want to talk to me and I'd barely say a word, or be irritable.

I feel guilty about how I behaved around her when she was alive, and sometimes I feel I cannot cope with the grief. I am not religious, and I am barely a believer of spirituality of any form, so I instantly lose out on the comfort that she is watching over me, or knows how I feel. I know she is whatever is left in that coffin, and nothing more. I felt nothing after she died, and I still don't. When I visit her beautiful grave I sit down and talk to her like she is here. That is quite powerful.

I saw a video of her the other day, and it was the first time I'd heard her voice since she died. I thought I was going to be sick from the crying, and today I've been in a horrible mood until I googled 'bereavement' and I cried instantly.

I just need to know what on Eath I have to do to make these feelings go away. I know I'm supposed to experience them, but I will never experience closure that way. I don't think I ever will get closure. I hate knowing she won't get to see me get married, have children, see me complete my degree etc.

I would do anything to be with her again. I'm generally happy 90% of the time, but I think about my loss every single day, at least 10 times a day. I cry maybe once or twice a week, but the pain never goes away. It was May 2007 that I realised she was never coming back, but that fact still hurts me so much.

Anyone who's been through something similar (and also possibly around my age) would be incredible to talk to. I don't know where to turn as my friends know me as a pretty tough person. That's not to say I haven't cried in front of them, but I feel as if I'm milking it when I talk to them, and equally they don't REALLY know how it feels.

It felt good to write this. Thanks for reading.
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  #2  
Old February 20th, 2008, 03:55
AmyJoyce AmyJoyce is offline
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Poor you - that's a lot to deal with at such a young age. I do feel for you.

With the wisdom that comes with age, I am sure that your mother KNEW that you loved her and was able to see beyond the behaviour that comes with the teenage years. After all, she had been a teenager herself once so she knew was it was like! Perhaps when you reach her age you will see what I mean?

I hope that thought might be of some small comfort to you... plus remember you weren't always a 'stroppy teenager' - that was only the case for a small part of the time you spent with your mother. She will also have had many happy memories of you when you were younger.

I know it's not easy, but try not to feel guilty. Generally speaking, we're all just doing the best we can with our lives at any time.

Love,
Amy x
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  #3  
Old February 20th, 2008, 09:06
Rachele Rachele is offline
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Loosing a parent is such a devestating loss. I know the pain losing my mom 6months ago. I am older, in my late 30's but the pain of the loss is great. It's important to go through the pain but yet have people around for support and comfort when you need it. If you find it difficult to turn to your male friends, maybe you can get support through counseling or a grief support group. I have done this and find it a comfort to speak to others who know the pain I am going through. Also, listening to music and writing my feelings down helps. It's a release for me. Sometimes people are uncomfortable seeing or hearing a person in grief because they don't know what to say or do. I tell people, all I need is for someone to listen and sometimes a hug. I need to cry though, and I need to feel other emotions as anger, fear etc. I feel I am entitled to those feelings and you may feel the same. I say: honor those feelings so that you can heal. It may take a year or it may take several years but don't rush it after all, it was your mom, the first woman to give you life, love and comfort.
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  #4  
Old April 16th, 2009, 01:13
Kpie Kpie is offline
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Default I understand what you are feeling...

You asked for someone your age, with a similar story to reply...well here I am.

I, too never really showed my mom how much I appreciated her. My parents filed for divorce my senior year of high school, and, as if I wasn't horrible enough to her so far as a teenager, I used this time to be even worse. I caused all kinds of hurt and trouble for her....I even moved away a year later, that was early 2004, I was 19.

Two months after I moved away my father had a heart attack; then a valve replacement; then further problems which no doctor thought he would survive, but he did. After settling him in for recovery, I left to go back to work.

The day after I got home my mom called, telling me that her breast cancer was back, after 17 years of remission. The difference was, it was stage four this time (not s.2) with mets to her liver and bones.

My mom was a fighter, she never complained, regardless of the hell she was going through. She never refused a treatment, no matter what. She promised that she would be here for years and years and beat those 10% odds. She promised that she would see me finally get my degree, be there when I got married and be there when I have kids.

Her road was bumpy, but we had no real warning of the end. Right before Christmas she started having strange symptoms and the doctors could not explain why. She had just had all her scans and everything was stable. They ran test after test, and it wasn't until mid-january, the night before I started my new school that I got the dreaded phone call. The doctors said that her liver was now 50% compromised and gave her 2-6 months. I was just starting to process this, spending my nights at the hospital while still working and going to school, when less than a week later, they changed their minds. Now she was said to have less than 2 weeks. This devastated her, because she had such a strong will to live. As miserable as she constantly felt she cried and cried wishing to still live.

Over the past few years we had gotten a lot closer, but still distant. She lived with my sister, who doesn't agree with anything in my life, so it made it hard for me to be really close. Although I didn't see her as much as I wanted, we talked practically every day. She helped me deal with the stress of school and work and life, when her battles were so much harder.

After the 2 week prognosis, she went home and we signed up for hospice care. Her mother had died with hospice, so this broke her but she still didn't want to believe it was the end. I went on family medical leave and spent all the time I could with her. I tried in one conversation to apologize to her for how horrible I had been to her, and typical of my mom, she laughed it off, said lightheartedly that I was a rotten teenager at times, but told me to not do this. She said that she didn't understand why people apologize when someone is dying, how she did the same thing to her mom, but she didn't want to hear it from me because she wasn't going anywhere. I tried so desperately at times to pull from her words that I needed to hear, things to comfort me as I pass all the major milestones in life without her, but I did not succeed. After a few bouts of short comas, and her decreasing health, we had no choice but to transfer her to in-patient care. The night she left, I took a picture with her...holding my Associate's Degree. She couldn't even hold her eyes open and was a fearful color because of the jaundice of liver failure, and while that picture terrifies me, I will never get rid of it.

She passed not even 2 days after transport, smack dab in the middle of her 2 week prognosis. I was there with her when she passed, and I wouldn't change my actions in that short time for the world. Although there are some memories of that time that will forever haunt me, I will cherish it forever. She passed on Feb.3, 2009....I turned 24 on Feb. 6....the day she was cremated...her funeral was on Valentine's Day.

I miss her so much that I can't even explain. I keep thinking that the reality and pain hits me and I finally feel the full brunt of the pain...but then it just gets worse. I've been so busy in life these past few years that I didn't really have time to have friends...she was my only one true friend. I was raised Catholic, but have strayed. While I hear my sister talk of "signs" mom sent her, I sit with bitterness wondering if I ever will see one.

I don't really have any other family other than my dad. My mom was the glue that held me and my sister together, as she has cast me aside now that mom's gone. My sister told me that I was a horrible sister, an even worse daughter, that I could never consider my mom a friend because I was never there for her...and so much more. We've barely talked since, except to sell her car and finalize arrangements.

People that know you in times like this just seem to not know the right thing to say, at least that's my experience. My best supporters are my students (I teach preschool). They have shown the most genuine sympathy, some even cried, some talked about it bluntly and they all asked questions, and still do from time to time. There's just something about kids I guess, since they can't help but be bluntly honest!

I just go through life as a blur because it keeps going on and my mom's not here. I just don't think that is fair. There are so many people that don't care about life and here I lost the person that cared about life more than anyone I've met! I just keep pretending that she's busy or that I'm too busy to talk, still knowing the truth in the back of my mind. It works some days and I'm able to trick myself, but its just not enough. Memories and things are starting to fade and I can't take it. I constantly beat myself up with the past and the coulda, shoulda, woulda. I know that she told me that she loved me more than anything, no matter what I did and that she will always love me and be there, but its just not enough! I feel like I was finally having a real relationship with her and then she was taken away. I regret so much of my past with her, I have some good memories, but I long to be one of those people that has more good than bad. Although I probably do, its just that the times I remember the most are the bad and I wish that would stop.

Anyway, just wanted to write and share my story with someone who would relate and understand. We've been in similar situations and if there's anything I can do, please let me know!!! It would be good to talk to someone that understands what I'm feeling because it seems like no one else does.
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  #5  
Old June 9th, 2009, 20:10
Bee Bee is offline
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Default Im in the same situation

Hi, My Mom died suddenly nearly 3months ago, and I still cant believe it. I CANT BELIEVE IT. She had a heart attack out of the blue, Im 25.

I think that Racheles advice is good about writing everything down. I carry a journal with me everywhere and I write down all of the good things that we did together. Im terrified that i might forget a tiny detail. We were best friends, I used to lie in the bed with her in the mornings, and i told her I loved her everyday, and i hugged her everyday.

I feel like she drifts further and further away each day. Like when the bottle of shampoo is gone and I replace it, Im replacing something that she did.

I only hope that this gets easier in time, or that I wont break down and have to run out of shops, or bawl in the shower or when alone. Its funny you know when you think nobody knows, and you read what other people write and you can see yourself in the same light. I bet there is people reading this who cry in the shower or when driving the car, and I hope now you know you are not alone.

I have been to the grave once, I didnt feel closer to her, it did not bring me any comfort, I think it traumatized me more. My mother never visited graves: she always said "there was no point, cause the person is not there, they are in your head now"

This has been strangely theraputic. Thanks for sharing.
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  #6  
Old June 9th, 2009, 22:13
Rachele Rachele is offline
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Time has gone by so fast, since mom died and I still dream it was all a mistake. It will be almost 2 years in August. The pain has lessened some and I've begun to live again, but not a day goes by I do not think of her. I miss her terribly. Not being able to talk to her, go out with her, share my children with her and see her smile and laugh. It has left a giant void in my life, than I fear will never be filled by a motherly figure. Even though I am older, I miss that close bond we shared, even in adulthood.
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  #7  
Old June 10th, 2009, 13:06
Mediumshow Mediumshow is offline
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Hello,

Heartfelt prayers and condolences to all.

I would like to share a upcoming project with everyone.

I'm a producer working on an exciting, new program for a major cable network that will feature gifted and renown psychic mediums.

The mediums will help people get answers from departed loved ones in order to resolve an outstanding issue.

The program hopes to help individuals heal and/or get closure. Additionally, it will illustrate the amazing abilities of genuine and proven mediums.

We are seeking family members, friends, neighbors, etc... Any two individuals with a conflict or issue that only a deceased friend or loved one could answer or resolve.

Ex.What do we do with the house, now? (One person wants to keep it, the other wants to sell it). Who was supposed to have the family heirloom? Who was the favorite pet supposed to live with? Where should we rest our departed loved one's ashes? Where is grandma's secret recipe... and who gets it?

Participants will get free in-depth readings and have their unresolved questions answered.

Participants should live in CA or be able to travel there at their own expense.

Anyone interested should contact me as soon as possible. I am interviewing possible participants this week for upcoming tape dates.

Warm Regards,

--
Nina
Casting Producer
"Medium Project'
MediumTVShow@gmail.com
818-325-6900 x6951
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  #8  
Old June 14th, 2009, 20:23
Rachele Rachele is offline
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That sounds like an interesting project. You said it will air on a cable network? Look forward to seeing it. When you are able, let us know which reknown mediums and when it will air. I'd like to watch, if it's will be showing on a network I have access to. I have see John Edward in studio with Robert Browne from England. That was a fabulous show in New York. I am glad I was able to attend and witness such great gifted mediumship.
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  #9  
Old June 17th, 2009, 18:20
butterfly01 butterfly01 is offline
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Hi Bee

I also lost my mum recently - 2 months ago - and was a sudden and out of the blue heart attack. I'm 29 but still feel I'm way too young for all of this. I miss her dreadfully and am still struggling to come to terms with the fact she has actually gone. I keep hearing advice that time is a good healer and I'm sure of that. I just want you to know that you are not alone and am positive that we can get thru all of this. Take care of yourself and do try to take time out that is quality time for you to think about your mum and the good times. If you put aside a time to do this then you should feel less guilty should you realise you have 'forgotten' her at some point.

Much love x
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  #10  
Old July 1st, 2009, 06:34
christiangonzalo christiangonzalo is offline
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Default Draw Closer to God...

Coping With Grief
“All his [Jacob’s] sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. ‘No,’ he said, ‘in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.’ So his father wept for him.”—GENESIS 37:35, The Holy Bible—New International Version.

THE patriarch Jacob grieved deeply over the loss of his son. He expected to grieve until the day he died. Like Jacob, you may feel that the pain of losing a loved one is so deep that it will never go away. Does such intense grief necessarily indicate a lack of faith in God? Definitely not!

The Bible portrays Jacob as a man of faith. Along with his grandfather Abraham and his father, Isaac, Jacob is commended for his outstanding faith. (Hebrews 11:8, 9, 13) Why, on one occasion, he even wrestled all night with an angel to get a blessing from God! (Genesis 32:24-30) Evidently, Jacob was a deeply spiritual man. What, then, can we learn from Jacob’s grief? Deep feelings of grief and sorrow when a loved one dies are not incompatible with strong faith in God. Grief is the normal and natural response to the loss of someone we love.


What Is Grief?

Grief can affect us in various ways, but for many the overriding feeling is one of intense emotional pain. Consider the experience of Leonardo, who was 14 years old when his father suddenly died from cardiorespiratory problems. Leonardo will never forget the day his aunt broke the news to him. At first, he refused to believe that it was true. He saw his father’s body at the funeral, but it all seemed strangely unreal. For about six months, Leonardo was unable to cry. Often, he found himself waiting for his father to come home from work. It took about a year before the full impact of the loss sank in. When it did, he felt terribly alone. Ordinary things—such as coming home to an empty house—reminded him of his father’s absence. At such times, he often broke down and cried. How he missed his father!
As Leonardo’s experience well illustrates, grief can be intense. The good news is that recovery is possible. However, it may take some time. Just as a severe physical wound takes time to heal, so it is with bereavement. Recovering from grief may take months, a few years, or even longer. But the acute pain you feel in the beginning will lessen in time, and life will gradually seem less bleak and meaningless.
In the meantime, grief is said to be a necessary part of the healing process and of learning to adapt to the new situation. There is an empty space where before there was a living human. We need to adjust to life without that person. Grief may provide a necessary emotional release. Of course, not everyone grieves in exactly the same way. One thing, though, seems to hold true: Repressing your grief can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically. How, then, can you express your grief in healthy ways? The Bible contains some practical advice.


Coping With Grief



Talking about your feelings can bring a measure of relief

Many bereaved ones have found that talking can be a helpful release. Notice, for example, the words of the Bible character Job, who suffered the loss of all ten of his children and endured other tragedies. He said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Notice that Job needed to “give vent” to his concerns. How would he do so? “I will speak,” he explained.

Paulo, who lost his mother, says: “One of the things that has helped me is to talk about my mother.” So talking about your feelings to a trusted friend can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) After losing her mother, Yone asked her Christian brothers to visit her more often. “Talking helped to ease the pain,” she recalls. You too may find that putting your feelings into words and sharing them with a sympathetic listener will make it easier to deal with them.


Writing can be helpful in expressing grief

Writing can also be a helpful release. Some who find it difficult to talk about their feelings may find it easier to express themselves in writing. Following the death of Saul and Jonathan, the faithful man David wrote a deeply mournful song in which he poured out his sorrow. This emotional dirge eventually became part of the Bible book of Second Samuel.—2 Samuel 1:17-27.


Reading about the resurrection hope can be a real source of comfort

Crying may also serve as an emotional release. “For everything there is an appointed time, even . . . a time to weep,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4) To be sure, the death of someone we love is “a time to weep.” Tears of grief are nothing to be embarrassed about. The Bible contains many examples of faithful men and women who openly expressed their grief by weeping. (Genesis 23:2; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12) Jesus Christ “gave way to tears” when he neared the tomb of his dear friend Lazarus, who had recently died.—John 11:33, 35.
Working through grief takes patience, for you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster. Remember that you do not have to be ashamed of your tears. Many faithful individuals have found that shedding tears of grief is a normal and necessary part of the healing process.


Draw Close to God

The Bible tells us: “Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you.” (James 4:8) One of the principal ways to draw close to God is through prayer. Do not underestimate its value! The Bible makes this comforting promise: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) It also assures us: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) Think about this. As we noted earlier, many have found it helpful to talk about their feelings with a trusted friend. Would it not be even more helpful to pour out your feelings to the God who promises to comfort our hearts?—2 Thessalonians 2:16, 17.
Paulo, who was mentioned earlier, commented: “When I just couldn’t endure the pain anymore and felt that I could not cope, I would get down on my knees and pray to God. I begged him to help me.” Paulo is convinced that his prayers made a difference. You too may find that in response to your persistent prayers, “the God of all comfort” will give you the courage and the strength to cope.—2 Corinthians 1:3, 4; Romans 12:12.

www.watchtower.org
christiancgonzalo@gmail.com
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