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Old June 7th, 2012, 10:43
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 471
Default " Walking in the Minefield of trying to start dating again" Just some firm suggestive advice for Widows/Widowers

I wanted to speak on a subject that may not really apply to those of you who are still deep in your mourning cycle...and Wouldn't think of ever broaching the subject due to your pain right now.. But I want to say the time may come when this information can help you in the Mine Field of starting to date, relationships and ultimately love once again.. As I have said in many of my posts previous...


Life moves in a continuous circle and out of total devastation springs forth Life once again.. Some of you may never want to start over again... And that is okay... But then there are others of you who may want to try again.. You all have to remember our departed loved ones only wish us to be happy in our life here.. They wouldn't want us to wallow in our pain.. But if you are not comfortable with starting to one day date... and try to find love again... "That is just Fine" Only you know what is best for You...and at your own pace.


I think anyone who has been married/in a long term relationship, hates the thought of dating and wants to be in the comfort zone of another long term relationship asap. Therein lies the first problem. We find ourselves attracted to someone and want to rush into it, want it to be THE relationship that is going to take away the loneliness, and help heal our soul, and we hang onto it, trying to make it work. OR it doesn't feel exactly like it did when we were with our DH/DW and we shy away without giving the person a chance. Either extreme is no good. It's so hard not to cling to the first person we're attracted to and to want him/her to be "the one" again, though. The important thing as already mentioned, is ... even if you end up getting your heart broken and want to kick yourself in the behind for being "stupid" and loving and trusting someone again, only to find out they're NOT the one, don't let them break the bank, take your money, your home, etc.

Give yourself enough time to get past the loneliness and to figure out what YOU want and need in another human being; what will be good for you. Don't compromise just to keep a relationship going; don't do anything that makes you really uncomfortable at a gut level (I'm not talking about you really don't like Mexican food and he or she wants you to try this Mexican place he or she loves, I'm talking about he or she wants you to overlook or do things that don't set well with your moral compass. If someone really truly cares about you, they take your feelings into consideration, and if it's something you can't compromise on to the satisfaction of both, don't do it just to keep him/her in the picture...)

This as I said maybe a subject that cannot be fathomed at the moment for some.. But then this information may also be a guideline for those of you who are working down the path... I just wanted to offer information and a warning.. as I myself fell into one of the PITFALLS when I began to date again a few years back..


I just want to offer this advice if possible if you are going to dip your toes back into the reality of "Dating Again" Pool.


I remember everyone saying the first one's a throw away in relationships. It was very difficult for me to even comprehend that someone could look at another human being in that cynical eye. For the most part, they were right. My first dating relationship was all about learning how to deal with a very new situation at the most vulnerable point in your life.


"Words of Advice"

First.....be very careful, always go by that first gut instinct! Do NOT override it, excuse it, or blow it off to you're just being paranoid.

Do not hand your heart over to someone who knows how to say all the right things. Sit back and watch WHO they are in their dealings with friends and family, NOT what they SAY. It may take time (and you have LOTS of time on your hands) to see how their relationships are in their personal lives, but that's ok.

Do not overlook any red flags that you see. Don't assign them or excuse them in any way. Everyone is imperfect, but learn the difference between 'flaws' of human nature and serious character flaws.

Notice if you're financially supporting the relationship. Do not ever give money to anyone else. Especially with the expectation of getting it back. Everyone just thinks widows and widowers are 'rich' now especially if their D/W or D/H had life insurance. You are a target. No one is going to say, 'Hmmmm...you're rich, so I'm going to con you out of all of your money.' They're going to sweet talk you out of it. Friends and family, too. Not always because they're really trying to rip you off, but because they really do believe you can afford to loan it, and don't really 'need' it paid back. Every dollar you spend, loan, whatever, look at it as if it's never coming back and see if you can live without it. If you can't, don't spend or give it away.

NEVER ever put anyone else's name on YOUR property, no matter how the tax liability will be in your favor, or some excuse like that.


As always I wish only to help with my suggestive advice.. I wish no offence to anyone.. I just know from my own experience and that of reading of others that Dating again after your Loss of your D/H or D/W can be full of challenges.. I wish only to warn you of the possible pitfalls and challenges you might face..


Please Be careful ....And believe me I can speak for the good part of trying to rebuild.. I was very lucky to have found a wonderful woman a couple of years back and fell in love again.. We were married late last year... Even though my relationship is different with my current wife than that of my Late Wife Tammy.. I like you all ....have a huge heart and with having a huge heart "We are capable of Loving Many People in our LifeTime Here on Earth".. Let your Heart be your guide... It will not fail you..




I wish you all happiness,hope and peace in your journey..
Cal821
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821

Last edited by cal821 : November 21st, 2015 at 12:59.
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  #2  
Old June 8th, 2012, 08:53
gumek gumek is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 746
Default the minefield

Quote:
Originally Posted by cal821 View Post
I wanted to speak on a subject that may not really apply to those of you who are still deep in your mourning cycle...and Wouldn't think of ever broaching the subject due to your pain right now.. But I want to say the time may come when this information can help you in the Mine Field of starting to date, relationships and unltimately love once again.. As I have said in many of my posts previous...


Life moves in a continuous circle and out of total devastation springs forth Life once again.. Some of you may never want to start over again... And that is okay... But then there are others of you who may want to try again.. You all have to remember our departed loved ones only wish us to be happy in our life here.. They wouldn't want us to wallow in our pain.. But if you are not comfortable with starting to one day date... and try to find love again... "That is just Fine" Only you know what is best for You...and at your own pace.


I think anyone who has been married/in a long term relationship, hates the thought of dating and wants to be in the comfort zone of another long term relationship asap. Therein lies the first problem. We find ourselves attracted to someone and want to rush into it, want it to be THE relationship that is going to take away the loneliness, and help heal our soul, and we hang onto it, trying to make it work. OR it doesn't feel exactly like it did when we were with our DH/DW and we shy away without giving the person a chance. Either extreme is no good. It's so hard not to cling to the first person we're attracted to and to want him/her to be "the one" again, though. The important thing as already mentioned, is ... even if you end up getting your heart broken and want to kick yourself in the behind for being "stupid" and loving and trusting someone again, only to find out they're NOT the one, don't let them break the bank, take your money, your home, etc.

Give yourself enough time to get past the loneliness and to figure out what YOU want and need in another human being; what will be good for you. Don't compromise just to keep a relationship going; don't do anything that makes you really uncomfortable at a gut level (I'm not talking about you really don't like Mexican food and he or she wants you to try this Mexican place he or she loves, I'm talking about he or she wants you to overlook or do things that don't set well with your moral compass. If someone really truly cares about you, they take your feelings into consideration, and if it's something you can't compromise on to the satisfaction of both, don't do it just to keep him/her in the picture...)

This as I said maybe a subject that cannot be fathomed at the moment for some.. But then this information may also be a guideline for those of you who are working down the path... I just wanted to offer information and a warning.. as I myself fell into one of the PITFALLS when I began to date again a few years back..


I just want to offer this advice if possible if you are going to dip your toes back into the reality of "Dating Again" Pool.


I remember everyone saying the first one's a throw away in relationships. It was very difficult for me to even comprehend that someone could look at another human being in that cynical eye. For the most part, they were right. My first dating relationship was all about learning how to deal with a very new situation at the most vulnerable point in your life.


"Words of Advice"

First.....be very careful, always go by that first gut instinct! Do NOT override it, excuse it, or blow it off to you're just being paranoid.

Do not hand your heart over to someone who knows how to say all the right things. Sit back and watch WHO they are in their dealings with friends and family, NOT what they SAY. It may take time (and you have LOTS of time on your hands) to see how their relationships are in their personal lives, but that's ok.

Do not overlook any red flags that yous see. Don't assign them or excuse them in any way. Everyone is imperfect, but learn the difference between 'flaws' of human nature and serious character flaws.

Notice if you're financially supporting the relationship. Do not ever give money to anyone else. Especially with the expectation of getting it back. Everyone just knows widows and widowers are 'rich' now. You are a target. No one is going to say, 'Hmmmm...you're rich, so I'm going to con you out of all of your money.' They're going to sweet talk you out of it. Friends and family, too. Not always because they're really trying to rip you off, but because they really do believe you can afford to loan it, and don't really 'need' it paid back. Every dollar you spend, loan, whatever, look at it as if it's never coming back and see if you can live without it. If you can't, don't spend or give it away.

NEVER ever put anyone else's name on YOUR property, no matter how the tax liability will be in your favor, or some excuse like that.


As always I wish only to help with my suggestive advice.. I wish no offence to anyone.. I just know from my own experience and that of reading of others that Dating again after your Loss of your D/H or D/W can be full of challenges.. I wish only to warn you of the possible pitfalls and challenges you might face..


Please Be careful ....And believe me I can speak for the good part of trying to rebuild.. I was very lucky to have found a wonderful woman a couple of years back and fell in love again.. We were married late last year... Even though my relationship is different with my current wife than that of my Late Wife Tammy.. I like you all ....have a huge heart and with having a huge heart "We are capable of Loving Many People in our LifeTime Here on Earth".. Let your Heart be your guide... It will not fail you..




I wish you all happiness,hope and peace in your journey..
Cal821
hi dave, difficult this one, read it yesterday went away to think it through, had a chat with hazel, we both came to the conclusion that it may depend on the time one is with their spouse. we were both with our men for many years, giuls and i for 37 years all together, a new relationship would be almost impossible, my family said that another person would have to live in giuls shadow. i am still so deeply in love with my hubby, i know hes not here in the physical sense anymore, couldn't love another like that again, but the saying goes,"never say never". when two people are together for a long time, even when the first one goes we never truly stop being one in soul and spirit. havig said all that, if someone is widowed at a young age then it would be wise to find love again with someone else. i do have to also say that sometimes the thought of spending the next 20 yrs or so alone is very scarry, thats why love comes in many shapes and good sound friendships are just as important as being married.

i hope my thoughts on this subject dosent offend, just my own opinion.

always good dave, thanks again.

take care. chrissie. xx
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Old June 8th, 2012, 10:51
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 471
Default Hi Chrissie

Quote:
Originally Posted by gumek View Post
hi dave, difficult this one, read it yesterday went away to think it through, had a chat with hazel, we both came to the conclusion that it may depend on the time one is with their spouse. we were both with our men for many years, giuls and i for 37 years all together, a new relationship would be almost impossible, my family said that another person would have to live in giuls shadow. i am still so deeply in love with my hubby, i know hes not here in the physical sense anymore, couldn't love another like that again, but the saying goes,"never say never". when two people are together for a long time, even when the first one goes we never truly stop being one in soul and spirit. havig said all that, if someone is widowed at a young age then it would be wise to find love again with someone else. i do have to also say that sometimes the thought of spending the next 20 yrs or so alone is very scarry, thats why love comes in many shapes and good sound friendships are just as important as being married.

I hope my thoughts on this subject dosen't offend, just my own opinion.

always good dave, thanks again.

take care. chrissie. xx
Hi Chrissie,, please no you didn't offend.. I post items for people to ponder or think over.. I posted this for the Widows and widowers who are thinking of going back into the minefield of dating again.. No one will ever replace or D/H or D/W ever.. It was written as a post that offers warning to those who are thinking about trying again...Only you yourself can decide if you can or cannot do the dating thing again.. It is perfectly alright to not go that route... I just wanted to give some direction to those who are further down the path and are looking at complete reinvestment into their future life..

So please don't take it as I'm saying this is right for everyone... It all depends on the individual and what they want... Every Widow/Widower must decide what they want for themselves..

There are just alot of dangerous pitfalls for those people who try again... I would hate for them to fall into those traps without some kind of a warning on what does lie out there.. It's not all bad but as I said in the Post Widows/Widowers are targets if they put themselves out there and there are people who will take advantage of their situation given the chance.

I truly Hope the the post has not caused you and Hazel anguish... Please don't take it as I was telling you this is the only way to go..


Take Care


Cal821 ( Dave )
__________________
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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  #4  
Old June 8th, 2012, 12:09
gumek gumek is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 746
Default not offended

Quote:
Originally Posted by cal821 View Post
Hi Chrissie,, please no you didn't offend.. I post items for people to ponder or think over.. I posted this for the Widows and widowers who are thinking of going back into the minefield of dating again.. No one will ever replace or D/H or D/W ever.. It was written as a post that offers warning to those who are thinking about trying again...Only you yourself can decide if you can or cannot do the dating thing again.. It is perfectly alright to not go that route... I just wanted to give some direction to those who are further down the path and are looking at complete reinvestment into their future life..

So please don't take it as I'm saying this is right for everyone... It all depends on the individual and what they want... Every Widow/Widower must decide what they want for themselves..

There are just alot of dangerous pitfalls for those people who try again... I would hate for them to fall into those traps without some kind of a warning on what does lie out there.. It's not all bad but as I said in the Post Widows/Widowers are targets if they put themselves out there and there are people who will take advantage of their situation given the chance.

I truly Hope the the post has not caused you and Hazel anguish... Please don't take it as I was telling you this is the only way to go..


Take Care


Cal821 ( Dave )
hello again dave, you didn't cause any offence at all my friend, i'm the one who was treading carefully, what you have shared with us is a gem, what i added was just my own personal opinion and i expect thats how it is for new widows and widowers especialy us old timers. When hazel and i were discussing this article we both agreed that we should never say never, even us more mature ladies can fall in love again, can't we? And love is for giving and sharing, it is a precious God given gift and we should never keep it all stored up inside ourselves.
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  #5  
Old June 8th, 2012, 12:12
gumek gumek is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 746
Default not offended

Quote:
Originally Posted by cal821 View Post
Hi Chrissie,, please no you didn't offend.. I post items for people to ponder or think over.. I posted this for the Widows and widowers who are thinking of going back into the minefield of dating again.. No one will ever replace or D/H or D/W ever.. It was written as a post that offers warning to those who are thinking about trying again...Only you yourself can decide if you can or cannot do the dating thing again.. It is perfectly alright to not go that route... I just wanted to give some direction to those who are further down the path and are looking at complete reinvestment into their future life..

So please don't take it as I'm saying this is right for everyone... It all depends on the individual and what they want... Every Widow/Widower must decide what they want for themselves..

There are just alot of dangerous pitfalls for those people who try again... I would hate for them to fall into those traps without some kind of a warning on what does lie out there.. It's not all bad but as I said in the Post Widows/Widowers are targets if they put themselves out there and there are people who will take advantage of their situation given the chance.

I truly Hope the the post has not caused you and Hazel anguish... Please don't take it as I was telling you this is the only way to go..


Take Care


Cal821 ( Dave )
hello again dave, you didn't cause any offence at all my friend, i'm the one who was treading carefully, what you have shared with us is a gem, what i added was just my own personal opinion and i expect thats how it is for new widows and widowers especialy us old timers. When hazel and i were discussing this article we both agreed that we should never say never, even us more mature ladies can fall in love again, can't we? And love is for giving and sharing, it is a precious God given gift and we should never keep it all stored up inside ourselves. Good on ya.

chrissie. xx
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  #6  
Old June 8th, 2012, 14:23
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,142
Default

hi dave i thought the thread was good a lot of people are very young and i would really wish for them to find a new love and what good advice you gave unfortunately there are a lot of people who will take advantage of some in grief as we are fragile and vulnerable
too many rush in to try and find what has been lost to replace a loved one it's impossible no one can ever be replaced in time another may come along but they must accept the life will be completely different than the last a new partner can't be a clone of the deceased
if anyone wants to pick up with me with the idea i am rich how dissapointed they will be they will just have to put up with my good looks charm and sense of humour
the other pitfall is one i fell in so many young people live together a while before marriage this can be dangerous and heartbreaking i wouldn't wish the despair all this can bring on anyone i would just say be careful and cover yourself with a legal declaration doesn't cost much as no one knows what can happen in the near future
thanks dave you gave very good advice love hazelxxxx
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