How young is too young?

[katharina]

Originally Posted by harmony_mom

After reading a post in the grieving teens forum, I am curious what others think on this topic: How young is too young to attend a funeral?

I'd have to say that I think not before 6 is probably better. If a 5 year old
understands and wants to go it's different, but to be forced... no. I have
horrible memories of being forced to go to viewings and it stuck with me all
through my adult life. Probably why I'm very against viewings...I think people
should be remembered for when they were happy and full of life.

[dukettemom]

i think if the child can behave so as not to disturb others, any age is fine. I don't know if my 4 year old nephew understood his Grandma's funeral, but i'm glad he was there.... he made us smile in our grief.

i don't think anyone of any age should be forced to look at the deceased, touch them, kiss them, whatever.... I really think people (of any age) should make that decision for themselves.

i do think that the parent of a young child should be willing and able to get up and leave if the child is not able to stay.

[RoxyMoron]

I would definitely ask a child first, and let them understand that it is going to be very difficult. If they have not grasped the concept yet, I would probably wait until after the funeral to really tell them that the person was not "sleeping."

I didn't go to my first funeral until I was about 18 and that was by choice. I didn't know the kid but, as strange as it sounds, 'wanted to go to see what it was like.' It was sad but I didn't cry, and thought I might have offended someone when I whispered to my mom, "He looks like a doll!" I didn't mean any harm by it, though. I always thought dolls were perfect.

Anyway, I figured by attending my friends funerals I could be stronger. When my brother's friend died earlier this year, I really felt uncomfortable because I didn't know the boy at all and I guess I still wasn't prepared for another funeral. I would be crying about the past and it'd be awkward.

[jnjsarauer]

I do think funerals can be traumatic for some kids, especially if there is a lot of loud grieving. This can be upsetting for a child who doesn't understand what is happening. I don't think there is a magic age when it is suddenly alright. Some kids are more sensitive than others, plus it depends on the parents' attitudes towards death, as well.

[mollyL]

Our kids were six and eight when my husband's father died. They hadn't seen his death (he died in his yard) but some of their friends did, and my husband and I decided they should go to his funeral because of the immediacy of their grandpa's death. We tried to explain what was happening and what they would see. They saw him in his casket and touched his hand. Some members of the family were putting things in the casket; rings, notes, etc. The kids asked if they could place something in the casket and we said yes. When we came back for the funeral service our son put in a little hotwheels car that grandpa had given him, and our daughter put in a pretty stone. They each wrote a little note and also put that in. We never noticed any harm and our children, if they ever mention the funeral they talk about saying goodbye to grandpa.

[RoxyMoron]

It sounds like they took it very well. They should know that it's always best to not consider it a final goodbye but more of a welcoming to the person passing into a higher stage of life, even if we don't know that's true. Talk to them first, perhaps allow them to experience it and if it is too scary for them, you can have them go with someone away from there or never have to go to another one if they don't want to.

[fiona]

I believe that it should be up to the parents and what they feel is appropriate for a child to be able to attend. I attending my first uneral when I was 11, and I can say that I had more of an understanding by then of what was happening. However, as a young child my mother did not feel comfortable in allowing me to go to funeral at such a young age.

[EMS]

Originally Posted by fiona

I believe that it should be up to the parents and what they feel is appropriate for a child to be able to attend. I attending my first uneral when I was 11, and I can say that I had more of an understanding by then of what was happening. However, as a young child my mother did not feel comfortable in allowing me to go to funeral at such a young age.

Both my parents died less than three years ago - six months apart. I was 35 when dad died and had just turned 36 when mum left. I am a fully grown adult by the worlds standards, but I've never felt more child like inside. The world feels empty, lonely and changed. Its like someone lifted me and planked me on another planet where everything looks the same, but nothing is - someone has subtely changed everything. I feel too young to have lost my parents too, but most folk wouldn't agree, I've had a lot of people comparing my pain to people much younger than me, or to parents who have lost children. None of it helps - I guess they mean well, but they just add to the pain.

I happen to think that loss is loss and no one even parents losing children has the right to say their pain is worse or deeper. We all grief something different. We grief for all the years we have shared and for the years ahead we know we have no one to share with.

I am not married and do not have a famly of my own. I lived with my parents, they were both ill towards the end, but as sick as they were I never really believed they woudl leave me and you know if it had been their choice they woudl never have left me.

AGe isn't important, but when you're older, you feel under pressure from the world to recover quicker. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get on - if only it were so simple. I'm almost three years down my walk of grief and still htere are days when if feels like its just happened, when the realisation that they are gone dawns again and again and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wells up.

Life is tough when you're an adult orphan. The point of it somethings is hard to work out.

[RoxyMoron]

That is a situation I've never imagined, but I know that it's got to be very hard on you. People will not look at you with sympathy as they would if you were younger, and you would hardly get the support you need. I'm sure you are not alone, though. This is a good place for you to be to share your feelings.

[sacback]

Originally Posted by harmony_mom

After reading a post in the grieving teens forum, I am curious what others think on this topic: How young is too young to attend a funeral?
Do you feel that it is innapropriate to take younger children to a funeral?
I personally feel that no age should be too young. For me a funeral is a celebration of a persons life and the impact that they've made on others. I think that we should begin teaching our children at an early age what death is, that it's a part of life, and that it is normal and healthy to be sad that our loved ones won't be with us anymore but that they aren't gone forever and we'll see them again.
What is your opinion on the subject?

Personally I don't think that there is too young of an age to attend a funeral. You must understand that death is a part of life and when it comes to life, they have to learn and you are their teacher of these things. You don't want to hide these types of things from your children.