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Old January 27th, 2011, 14:41
BettyNoir BettyNoir is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Worcestershire, UK
Posts: 2
Default I thought I had moved on, our social worker says not

My husband and I have recently begun the process of applying to become foster carers. Last week was our first interview with our assigned social worker. She came and discussed our childhoods and family relationships.

I lost my mum to cancer 7 years ago when I was 24 & the social worker wanted to know all about it. She made me tell her in great detail about the day my mum died. Naturally I got upset reliving the whole thing in great detail and had a little cry. She asked me how i cope day to day with my loss. I told her that I'm OK. I have a great supportive husband, that I will always miss her, but it doesn't rule my life. When she first died I was crying all the time, having nightmares about her death and could barely drag myself out of bed. As time went on I got better: the first year was hard, but then one year turned into two, then three and so on, and each day got a bit easier. Now I think about her every day, but always in a positive way and very rarely get upset about it. I know how hard it was when my mum first died, and I know how much I struggled through the first few months, I worked through my grief and came out the other side, now when i think about my mum it brings a smile to my face not tears to my eyes.

So the social worker visited us today and said that she doesn't think we can continue the fostering process as she thinks I have unresolved issues around the death of my mum. She's basing this on the fact that I cried when I told her about how my mum actually died. Surely this is normal, even after 7 years? I would have thought that not being upset at all at the death of a parent would throw up more of a red flag.

What does everyone else think? Is it abnormal to still get sad occasionally after 7 years?

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Old January 26th, 2012, 12:18
tasminsaunty tasminsaunty is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 8

I would think that if someone pushed me to discuss a parent's death in great detail after however many years it could make me emotional - like you I would think it odd if it didn't.

Grief does not have a timescale - that kind of loss does not have a sell by date.

Just wondering whether you could ask the SW what she believes the issues to be, what she bases her conclusions on and how that impacts on your suitability for fostering.

hope you manage to sort something out.

helen xx
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Old January 30th, 2012, 11:36
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534

Shalom in Yeshua BettyNoir, Quite frankly I cannot believe that a Social Worker could remove you from the process of adopting for the reasons that you have outlined. I would urge you to appeal to her supervisor. What planet does this person come from!! She has clearly never experience the loss of a loved one.

If we all relived our painful moments I am sure we would all shed a tear. That doesn't mean we have lost the plot. It means we are human and that we have the capacity to LOVE. Isn't that what they want in prospective 'parents'?

Please let us know how you get on. You ARE normal.

May God bless you
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Old February 9th, 2012, 11:12
hamilton hamilton is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Iowa
Posts: 97

Let's see: you are "forced" to relive a horrible loss in great detail and you cry. I don't know how common that might be but there is certainly nothing "abnormal" about or wrong with it. To deem you unfit based solely on that is ridiculous. How does being emotional about your mother passing make you "unfit" in any way? If anything it shows are you a very compassionate, feeling person. That's bad?

But sometimes people like this abuse their position of power (likely to compensate for their own insecurities) and/or simply don't know what they are doing. More to the point, I think your social worker sounds like a horse's ass. I would try to see another social worker or if necessary go over her head. If that seems not possible or like it might cause more trouble than help, then I would try to play her ridiculous little game and try to figure out what you can say or do that will convince her.
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