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Old July 26th, 2013, 17:06
douseemenow douseemenow is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2
Default Letters to dad

How do I delete my account and post?

Last edited by douseemenow : October 30th, 2013 at 21:14. Reason: Forgot something
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Old July 27th, 2013, 07:12
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 406

douseemenow, I am so very sorry for the pain and anger you are working through. We can't change the past; we can only go on from where we stand now.

I cared for my mother during the last three years of her life. We lived with, and she died from, complications of Alzheimer's disease. I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. I know what it is to want to hold back the inevitable. I know what loss is all about. My mother was the last of my family. I am on my own now.

You don't ask for comfort or advice, but there are a few things ... no words I can think of will comfort you in your loss of Dad. Nothing anyone can say will change your memory of Dad's living and dying process. Somehow, I don't know how, you will accept what cannot be changed.

In your place — I know I am not in your place — I might defer college for a year, or at least a semester, and use that time to re-order my universe.

Your first priority is to look after yourself. A lot depends on you, as you've presented the situation here, so you need to be okay: physically, emotionally, mentally. A very close priority to that first one is to look after your mother. Whether you have help from brothers and sisters is irrelevant. It would be nice if they would all pitch in. They will, or they won't. You likely won't change things there either way.

Your mother needs help, and you're up. For whatever help "the system" might be for you, take whatever help you can get for yourself and for your mother.

I had almost no help from the "social services system" with my mother's care, and once I realized most of it was up to me, I just got on with it. It's tough, but there it is. I was often angry, always tired, but determined that my Mom would have the very best care I could give her for as long as I was able to give it.

Please continue to write your feelings out in your poetry and in letters. You needn't show anything to others unless you want to. But use it as a release.

The path open to you is not an easy one. Maybe it's not one you would choose. Sometimes we don't have a choice. The path calls us, and we follow.

Give yourself time to plan a way forward. See where your help lies and take what help is on offer. Determine what you need to survive, to move on, to look after your mother — and do that. Try stating clearly to the family exactly what help you need to care for Mom, and see who steps up to do what. If you get no help ... sad to say, it's down to you.

I am so very sorry for what happened to your father. It will be with you for a very long time to come. Write the anger and the sorrow out, for as much as you can. At 23, you have time to take time out. Get life organized at home, see to your mother, and then the way ahead will present itself.

You have a lot to deal with, but it doesn't all have to be resolved in the same moment.

I don't know your belief system. You mention Dad won't see your success, won't walk you down the aisle, won't see your first child. Some of us here, and I'm one, have a different take on things. Some of us, and I'm one, believe that those who've gone on ahead do know our lives, are still with us in spirit. It takes a fair bit of quiet and peace of mind for them to come through so we know that, and I sense that quiet and peace of mind are very far from you just now.

In time, you might realize that your Dad deserves to see you happy, and accomplished, and carrying on with your life. He deserves no less than that.

I wish we could be in the same space geographically, so I could be of more practical help. All I can do here is give a bit of emotional support, and a ready ear to listen. I'm sure there are others who will be here for you, too.

Take it one step at a time. Rest when you need to. Keep up with your writing. It's very early days for you yet. Give yourself time to grieve your loss of your Dad, time to see a way forward for yourself and your mother. There will be one.

Please stay in touch. Let us know how you are doing. We care.

P.S. - You mention your mother has no income. Is she pension age? Is there something you can look into for her as an income? Some sort of social assistance, perhaps?
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Old July 27th, 2013, 11:51
Whitehorse81 Whitehorse81 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 57

douseemenow: Welcome to the world of modern medicine. They can keep us alive as long as they wish or until the money runs out. I witnessed quite a bit of this before my husband passed. Your mom did you a favor of having you not see your dad cold. Believe me, its not a pretty sight and the images would have stayed in your mind for a long time. I liked your poem as well. If you can stay in school by all means stay, however, if you cannot concentrate on your studies take some time off. Your Dad IS watching you and he knows what you are going through and is very proud of you. You can sleep at night knowing you are doing the right thing. One day, you will look back at this time and realize you were exactly where you were meant to be. This is a hard time for you, but I sense you are capable of handling the situation.
May God Bless You and your Mom,
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