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  #1  
Old March 30th, 2013, 13:05
themuseinme themuseinme is offline
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Default Loss of my parents

Hi all, I found this forum a few months ago but I've only just had the courage to post as until recently I was convinced that I was coping ok as I've always been really good at pulling up my socks and just getting on with it, I guess you could say I compartmentalised so much that I never let the emotional stuff out but over the last few weeks everything has come crashing down on me in a flurry of emotions that I can't really make sense of. Anyway here's my story ...

I'm 28-years-old and the second eldest of 5 children, I guess you could say until the age of 18 I lived an almost picture perfect life growing up in the country surrounded by loving parents and siblings who I adored, recent events however have made me question those memories, my little brother (below me) died when I was 5 and he was almost 3, he choked to death and there was nothing anyone could do, this affected my parents deeply but as a child I never really saw it as an unhappy memory because my parents were so amazing in making sure that we only remembered the good.

Being so young at the time I didn't realise that the weeks my mum spent away from the family were because she was suffering from PTSD and depression, my dad was so good at shielding us from it that it was almost a non event and when my mum came back she was the happy, loving mother that I remembered.

It wasn't until I was 18 and my dad died suddenly of cancer that I realised just how much he was holding everything together, the mum of my childhood quickly disappeared and instead I was left with someone I didn't recognise, she would spend weeks in bed, not wash, she let the house and finances go to ruin and left me and my older sister to practically raise my 11 and 13 year old siblings, at the time I was too busy making sure they were ok to worry about myself, I went to uni got my degree and when I was sure my mum was finally getting her life back together I moved out and started living my own life.

I really thought things were ok, I went home to visit regularly (at this point all of us had grown up and moved out albeit the 2 younger ones only a few minutes down the road) and spoke to my mum almost every day. October just gone my little sister got married on a Friday, I saw my mum at the wedding and she seemed happier than I could remember in a long while so it came as a huge shock when on the following Monday I received a phone call from my older sister (she was staying at home at the time) to say my mum had taken an overdose. I got on the first train home but by the time I had finished the 2 hour journey south my mum had died, the tablets she had taken were just too much for her heart to cope with.

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of planning, I didn't really cry I think in hindsight I was too angry and confused to cry and 3 weeks later when I was sure my family were doing as ok as can be I went back north and back to work just like nothing had happened.

Then this recent month everything just seemed to stop, we had the official inquest which ruled that 'she took her own life' whilst I already knew this it was still hard to hear, my 94 year old grandad and one of only 2 remaining parental figures in my life was taken seriously ill and I feared we would lose him too and then in the space of a week we had our first Mother's Day and my mum's 50th birthday without her and then my day's birthday all of which hit me harder than I ever could imagine.

Now I just feel like my life is on pause, everything I do seems defined by my mum's suicide, I find it hard to talk to my friends about it no matter how amazing they are and I've even taken time off work sick which is something I've never done before as my career and job was always my proudest achievement.

I'm finding it hard to get my head around the fact that I'm struggling so much now when all of these events happened decades (brother) years (dad) and months (mum) ago.

Last edited by themuseinme : March 30th, 2013 at 13:59.
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  #2  
Old March 30th, 2013, 17:04
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi themuseinme i am so sorry for your loss and how losing so many loved ones is affecting you Everyone who does what mum did to herself wasn't done with a clear head or a choice she had an illness of the mind as sad as any illness you can get you must try and look at it like that because thats the reality she died of an illness of her mind
don't make the mistake of thinking if she loved you she wouldn't have done it she wasn't able to think straight or think about those she loved she did what her mind told her to do and unfortunately she succeeded
a loss like this leaves those that loved her having to deal with their grief as well as coping with the whys and if only questions that flood the brain try to lay it all down just remember her for all that was special about her being your mum
all the other loved ones you have lost of course comes to the forefront at a time like this you remember all those you love no longer here it's a natural part of grieving when we are so depressed and desperately sad we grieve for them all as what you are grieving for is also the past where so many of your loved ones were
try to think of them all in heaven together happy at peace where one day you will see them again
you need to take some time out from work to face your grief you have good friends and family who care for you and they are probably hoping you will open up to them so they can help you also you must talk it over with mum as well some believe where they are now thay can hear us you may find some comfort from this as theres nothing better to help you get through it all than talking about it to someone
we are always here for you on the forum when you need to talk
love hazelx
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  #3  
Old March 31st, 2013, 08:38
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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Hello, themuseinme,

I am sorry for your losses, the most recent being your mother. I have now lost all of my family and, like you, some of them when I was a child, some more recently. I was only this week past thinking of them all, listing them all, in order to remember them. Our losses ... one after the other after the other.

I had a younger brother who died when we were children. An older brother who died when we'd both grown up. Parents gone, and other family. Hard to make sense of it sometimes, isn't it?

The timing of your Mom's death fills me with compassion, for her and for you. Your Mom is to be honoured, thought well of, thanked, for she waited until all of her children were grown and safely delivered to the future, before she let go her own struggle. It's so very sad for you, I know, because you want to think you might have helped her, you think you should have seen she needed you, you think you should have held out your hand to her. Mom didn't want that. She didn't want to slow your journey and she had her own journey to make.

I couldn't slow or stop my Mom's Alzheimer's, and couldn't ever lift the lifelong depression from her. We could banish the depression for a time, sometimes, but it was part of her, so it came back again and again. My Mom saw her two sons die before her, knew I was strong enough to go on alone for a time, and finally turned her face to the ones she had lost, and followed them. I like to believe she found peace on the other side, the peace she so much needed.

One way to help yourself get through your heartbreaking losses - you have lost many family members now, as have I - one way to view it that might help, is to picture yourself at the edge of the ocean. As you wave off the ship that is taking your Mom away from you, as you feel the sorrow of this most recent loss, someone on the other side of the ocean is joyously welcoming her. Amongst the crowd she sees on the other side are the ones your Mom lost and her own sorrow is lessened to know she is joining them.

Painful as it is for you to have lost the ones you loved, if you can picture them wanting to be together, picture them happy at reuniting with each other, it might help ease your pain just a little. You Mom, finally, has the peace she needed and sought.

I understand the pain of your loss. All the losses. I've had my share. What helps me is to picture everyone who has gone before me, all of them meeting up on the other side of the ocean, at peace because they are together. Yes, we are left alone for a time, left to carry on without them. But soon enough ... only twenty years, or fifty... we will board the ship and join them. I expect one long party when I finally get there!

Meanwhile, small comfort though it might be, we bear the pain of loss, so that the ones we love can be free of it. You Mom is at peace now. Believe that, through your tears. In time, it might help.
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  #4  
Old April 4th, 2013, 14:42
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua themuseinme, first welcome to the forum and well done for sharing your bereavement(s) with us. It must have been difficult for you. I am sorry to hear how your mum died and the affect it has had on you. Know that I have already said a prayer for you to be comforted.

There is a stigma surrounding suicide and can be made worse by some churches. The truth however is quite different. Your mum was ill. Plain and simple. She had a history of depression dating back to you brother, and then loss of you dad, and then your sister to marriage finally caused her to see no way out. Its nobody's fault, nobody is to blame and there was nothing you or anyone else could have done to prevent it.

My brothers and sisters are taught that she is now in a place called Sheol (somewhere we all go when we called from this life) where she will be given the opportunity to be purified from her time on this earth, before ascending to higher levels and paradise. She will now be whole and able to think straight.

What I would suggest you do is talk to her because she will hear you. Then tell her how she has hurt you, then and this is very important for her and you, tell her that you forgive her. Even if you dont believe what I have just told you the therapy of talking to her does help those left behind.

Then talk to you siblings and you family and friends and come here and tell us how you are feeling.

May God bless you
Tom
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