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Old March 5th, 2013, 18:20
km1141 km1141 is offline
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Default How do I know when to get professional help?

I just lost my dad very suddenly about a month ago and I'm only 32 and he was only 66. I've been experiencing so many emotions from it on a daily basis. When my older brother broke it to me I got very emotional but he seemed to close down and not even want to talk about it with me. Instead he was eager to get everything done right away. We didn't even have much of a funeral for him so I don't even feel like there has been any closure. I'm also very angry because he was in the VA emergency room 24 hours before he died and they sent him home saying nothing is wrong. I feel guilty for not staying with him overnight when he died. At the same time I probably couldn't of done anything to stop it. I've noticed it's gotten harder to accept as the weeks have gone by. I thought I was doing pretty good at first but I've gotten a lot sadder over the last few days/weeks. Does it ever get better? Ever since then I've had a hard time talking and letting everyone know how I felt. My parents have been divorced over ten years but my mom still loved him and wanted for the best for him. I've discussed it with my mom and she's been great but she keeps asking me if I need any help. Right after my dad died work has really kept my mind off of it but in the evenings and at night, I get really dad. My dad was very special and close to me because he was one of the very few I could go discuss anything with and he would be there to listen and help me with any problem I had. I just don't feel like I have that anymore and I catch myself trying to call him all the time. All my friends said they would be there for me to talk to but I almost feel like it's hard to talk to them about it and I don't want to bother them with what I'm feeling. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around anyone at this time other than once in a while. Is this all a sign I need to get help?
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  #2  
Old March 6th, 2013, 03:34
gumek gumek is offline
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Originally Posted by km1141 View Post
I just lost my dad very suddenly about a month ago and I'm only 32 and he was only 66. I've been experiencing so many emotions from it on a daily basis. When my older brother broke it to me I got very emotional but he seemed to close down and not even want to talk about it with me. Instead he was eager to get everything done right away. We didn't even have much of a funeral for him so I don't even feel like there has been any closure. I'm also very angry because he was in the VA emergency room 24 hours before he died and they sent him home saying nothing is wrong. I feel guilty for not staying with him overnight when he died. At the same time I probably couldn't of done anything to stop it. I've noticed it's gotten harder to accept as the weeks have gone by. I thought I was doing pretty good at first but I've gotten a lot sadder over the last few days/weeks. Does it ever get better? Ever since then I've had a hard time talking and letting everyone know how I felt. My parents have been divorced over ten years but my mom still loved him and wanted for the best for him. I've discussed it with my mom and she's been great but she keeps asking me if I need any help. Right after my dad died work has really kept my mind off of it but in the evenings and at night, I get really dad. My dad was very special and close to me because he was one of the very few I could go discuss anything with and he would be there to listen and help me with any problem I had. I just don't feel like I have that anymore and I catch myself trying to call him all the time. All my friends said they would be there for me to talk to but I almost feel like it's hard to talk to them about it and I don't want to bother them with what I'm feeling. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around anyone at this time other than once in a while. Is this all a sign I need to get help?
hello dear km, welcome to forum, so sorry for your loss of your dad and that you are are feeling so alone in your sadness. you are asking if proffesional help would help you, well yes in that in talking these feelings through will help you to release the pain of losing dad and begin to see things more clearly. you mentioned your brother wanting to get it all sorted, well thats his way of dealing with the grief but it really is not a good thing to bury our grief it has to come out. in my own grief i allowed myself to cry, get angry, i wouldn't listen to some opinions that we dont have to grieve. i would say to you dear km that all the emotions you are going through are normal and no one can take the ache of loss away, it must be worked through. we have friends here in forum who like you have lost a beloved mum or dad and have come through all the heartache and you will be supported as your post is read. if i can say here, although it dosent feel like it now but you will come through this. it might also help yiu to read some of the posts in archives, you will read many sad storys but you will also see that there is hope.
your dad was very special that is plain to see and your bond of love for each other is eternal and some of us believe our loves can hear us when we speak to them, but please im not saying to use a medium, no simply sit down and tell dad all about your day, tell him you love and miss him, he will be close to you. dear km we are always here for you if you need to come and talk you can always private message too, please take care.

sending you warm hugs and love.

chrissie. xx
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Old March 17th, 2013, 16:31
CourtneyK. CourtneyK. is offline
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Originally Posted by km1141 View Post
I just lost my dad very suddenly about a month ago and I'm only 32 and he was only 66. I've been experiencing so many emotions from it on a daily basis. When my older brother broke it to me I got very emotional but he seemed to close down and not even want to talk about it with me. Instead he was eager to get everything done right away. We didn't even have much of a funeral for him so I don't even feel like there has been any closure. I'm also very angry because he was in the VA emergency room 24 hours before he died and they sent him home saying nothing is wrong. I feel guilty for not staying with him overnight when he died. At the same time I probably couldn't of done anything to stop it. I've noticed it's gotten harder to accept as the weeks have gone by. I thought I was doing pretty good at first but I've gotten a lot sadder over the last few days/weeks. Does it ever get better? Ever since then I've had a hard time talking and letting everyone know how I felt. My parents have been divorced over ten years but my mom still loved him and wanted for the best for him. I've discussed it with my mom and she's been great but she keeps asking me if I need any help. Right after my dad died work has really kept my mind off of it but in the evenings and at night, I get really dad. My dad was very special and close to me because he was one of the very few I could go discuss anything with and he would be there to listen and help me with any problem I had. I just don't feel like I have that anymore and I catch myself trying to call him all the time. All my friends said they would be there for me to talk to but I almost feel like it's hard to talk to them about it and I don't want to bother them with what I'm feeling. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around anyone at this time other than once in a while. Is this all a sign I need to get help?
Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was 35 and he was 68, so I can identify with what are you saying. My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time.

One of the hard things about grief is that there is no "model" for how it is supposed to be done. Celebrities, leaders and others in the spotlight do not share how they have grieved and there is a lot of confusion about what is "correct", "right" or a "normal" way to grieve. I certainly wondered if I was grieving OK and I know my mom and brother had the same question about their own grief. It is very natural to have that question. Your feelings are going to go up and down and it can be helpful to get professional help.

Remember that your father loves you and he is always with you. Remember the good times that you had together. He wants you to be happy and to have a meaningful life. It is probably one of his greatest wishes. Honor him by living such a life.

Talk to him if it brings you comfort and remember that he is always with you. That can never be broken.

Keep coming back to the forum and let us know how you are doing.
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Old March 18th, 2013, 10:54
j's daughter j's daughter is offline
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km1141, I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know, if you lost Dad only a month ago, it is very early days for you, and yes, all you are feeling is perfectly normal and right. You are where you should be in your grief. Always.

I am also a daughter. Although it is more "natural" for us to lose our parents than for parents to lose a child, it still hurts. I've now lost both my parents—my Mom was the last, in 2010—(and the rest of my family), so I'm acquainted with loss.

It's hard to feel you have not got "closure," although I wonder if that feeling isn't different for everyone, and maybe never comes for some of us. You can do practical self-care things now, to ease the hurt. For example, I set aside a corner of the dressing-table in my bedroom for a picture of my Mom, and other small treasures that reminded me of her. When I felt especially sad, I could go there for a little while and feel she was there with me. You might want to make a space somewhere closed to others, just for yourself.

You might find comfort, too, writing to Dad. No one else needs to see what you write. You can pour out your feelings on paper (or computer) and keep your thoughts to yourself if you choose. Tell Dad how you feel about not being there with him that last night. Dad will understand.

Or just sit some nights with your thoughts and memories of Dad, and wait for his words to guide you. What you are feeling is quite normal. If you feel that talking out your feelings to a professional would help, then by all means, seek out a therapist or other professional you feel comfortable with.

If it helps to talk with us, there are people who will be here for you. Does it get easier? Yes, most definitely. But it gets harder first. I don't believe we can avoid or postpone our grieving. We do need to go through it, in order to come out the other side.

More than two years after my Mom's death, I am now beginning to see light out of darkness. First months were so very difficult, as I recall. Then it got easier as I got busier. Then it got harder again as I settled into realizing my Mom would never be putting her key in the lock again. But ... and this is important for you ... but I made a new relationship with my Mom.

You will always be your father's daughter. That will never change. You will always have the memories and the relationship (a different sort of relationship but you are always your father's daughter). You will always have the smiles as well as the tears.

Please post again. I will be looking for your words, looking to see that you relax (strange word!) into your grief. For grieve you must. There is no timetable - you don't have to be "over it" within 6 months or a year. You work through your grief in your own way, in your own time. If it helps to talk with us, please do that.

The ache is heavy, I know. It will get easier in time. I can't take your burden of grief off you - it's yours to carry - but I can say you don't have to walk on alone. We're here for you.
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