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Old April 13th, 2012, 14:52
Jaded028 Jaded028 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Default Moving without pushing

Hi everyone,

I was hoping I could get some advice. This may be rather a long story but please bear with me.

I have been with my boyfriend for one year and two months. Very sadly two months before I met him he lost his girlfriend. They had been together for four years and lived together. She died from swine flu. I understand that she had quite severe mental health problems and their relationship had become one based on dependence rather than love. He is happier in his life now so I know there is a lot of guilt there. I don't mean that to sound cruel.

We are very much in love and I feel that we have a future together. The problem is with his house. He never sorted through her things. A lot was moved into the spare/storage room, some just tucked away out of line of sight and others just left there. In no way do I want him to clear out all her possessions and erase her but everyday I feel like I'm tripping over her things. I can't imagine its good for him and now its starting to get to me. I don't want to resent her but now I can't even bear to hear her name.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to hurt him but its starting to eat away at me. How do I deal with this or do I just ignore it?

Any advice would be very much appreciated.
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Old April 13th, 2012, 19:06
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,144

hi just read your message i'm not sure on what you should do but i didn't want to ignore your question usually people sort out the possetions of a deseased person in their own time when they are ready it is a very difficult thing to do if it was me i think i would have a heart to heart with him tell him you know she was a very special person in his life but do you think the time has come to sort out all these things that are a reminder to you both of happy and sad times tell him how you feel that it's making you feel insicure in your new life together tell him how much you care about him but say can you accept we have a future together and you are able to move on in life perhaps his late partner has a family he can ask to come round and help him sort through all the stuff you will have to do this with delicacy and dignity perhaps keeping a framed photograph of her somewhere would be a very kind gesture from you remember she was a young person who obviously struggled with illness in life and tragically died her life wasn't easy she can be no threat to you in your relationship and a bit of kindness and compation will go a long way in enhancing the love you have for one another good luck hazel
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Old April 16th, 2012, 10:20
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northwest England
Posts: 534

Shalom in Yeshua Jaded028, welcome to the forum. I think you have been patient with him but ask you to be patient a little longer. The reason I say this is if he has put all her things to one side in the spare room, he is obviously trying to forget the painful episode of her death.

Hazels advice is good, but from a mans perspective I wouldn't say that her memory and things are making your feel insecure. To do this would make him feel that he has to choose. That would add to his grief and may result in him resenting you for saying it.

Very gently, ask him 'if he ready yet to sort out her things'. It must be his decision when he wants this to happen. If you do this in this way he will not see you as the one trying to draw a line under the relationship he had.

May God bless you
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