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Old July 11th, 2014, 14:09
Green Acres Green Acres is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1
Default Fallout and the forgotten one

I am at that stage a month later when everyone else has moved on and I still feel sad and need to talk. I also apparently don't have as much right to be grieved since I happened to not be the latest person in my ex/late boyfriend's life. His suicide was unexpected, and was a double whammy for me, I was still trying to get over the rejection and grief of him leaving me about 10 months earlier. He rushed into a new relationship but it was full of ups and downs and he completely melted down...something else that came as a shock and surprise. Later I found out about his bipolar disorder and mental issues.

I've taken his loss hard because I dearly loved this man and we had almost 2 years together that were pretty stable and happy for the most part. But because there was someone newer in his life at the time of his death she gets all the attention and credit, even though their relationship was much shorter, and full of crisis. Difficult emotions don't end with someone's passing, there is the dealing with all the friends and everyone else's behavior and griefs and interactions with you afterwards too. That latest girlfriend for some reason has been allowed to take over the deceased's Facebook page. She broke up with him before his passing so she is as much an ex as I am. But everyone is treating her like she is some poor beloved widow. I made an online tribute for my ex boyfriend after waiting a bit to make sure anyone else didn't do one first. She took the link to it off his Facebook page and she is keeping profile pictures on her account and his with them together, as if she was the only woman ever in his life. That is what people are seeing over and over. No one seems to question this. I'm expected to move on, why isn't she?? I'm infuriated, and there's nothing I can do, and no one cares.

Sometimes I feel like this frustration and grief and anger will never end. The pain hasn't stopped with his passing, it's still happening, just in different ways.
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Old July 14th, 2014, 09:18
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default Green Acres Im sorry to hear of your loss

Green Acres,

Please accept my condolences on your loss of your friend... If possible I would like to offer some suggestive advice..

Right now your hurting and everything seems escalated. It's hard not to take everything out of context when emotions are running high. Try to be patient with yourself.. and if possible try to avoid the drama with his current ex girlfriend. You know your feelings for your friend. You know the things personal only to you.. in the time you were together. In this life there are many stories.. Those that you were part of are the most important ones.
If the new woman that was in your friend's life is playing the martyr. Let her do so... its her story. You know the truth and that is all that counts.
In regards to your friend keep his memory alive in your own personal ways.... Social media is a curse. It can be used to help or harm..

I myself am still frustrated.. in my own case with my late wife's FB page. Every year on her Birthday her FB site gets long winded diatribes posted by people who have unresolved guilt with their own behavior.. when my late wife was alive.. They are constantly Lamenting on how much they miss her... but have never once visited her gravesite.. or spoken to her children to ask how they are doing... It's like a form of penance looking for absolution and rather sickening actually. And believe me the ongoing "Martry Schtick" gets old really fast. People can generally see through it pretty quick. But out of respect for the genuine people who visit my late wife's FB site.. I don't have the heart to shut it down.. just because a few jackasses are using it to paint themselves as the long suffering martyr...

So don't sweat the small stuff with your friends website.. as I said do your own thing to keep his memory alive.

The only other advice I can give you is that even though he was an ex, remember that you were friends. and Losing a part of your history like that is devastating, and it can take a while to get over it.

But it is important to go through the feelings you are right now.. the anger, the sadness.. guilt.. pain.. and sorrow... Your friend was in your life for a reason and regardless of the outcome .. you learned and were changed by their inter-action with you. Memories were created and it brought substance to your life experience. So remember .. that is what it is all about.

I wish you peace

Cal821 ( Dave)
Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

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