This is the WORST year yet!
I'm sorry I have not been on here lately. I've had a dickens of a time logging on! I finally got logged in today though. WHew! I have Windows Vista, it has PMS... *smile*
As everyone here knows, I have got a LOT on my plate. Marriage sucks, (He had another affair, not sure if it's still going on, could be, she works with him.) Brookie is far away down south (lucky her!) in sunny Florida, and I am alone here in PA without any family... I know, wah, wah, wah. I'm sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Christmas was great here, my family came. We had my husband's work subordinates over another day and even had a samll new year's eve party. PLUS I was working part time at -don't laugh- TJ Maxx.
Well TJ's laid (layed?) all of us newbies off. Plus my husband and daughter got the great idea of getting me a puppy (I've wanted one but wanted to wait until spring) - which I asked for - only in the SPRING! Because I've had other dogs and i know what a hassle it is to potty train the wee ones when they are small and cold and there is three feet of snow on the ground! Even I wouldn't want to pee out in the snow! But the holiday spirit took them over and they bought me the cutest little Boston Terrier (and I mean, "Terror") but she is not potty trained at all! Brooke went back to school two weeks after we got her, and my hubby is of course working 8AM-8PM. We do not have any fenced yards and a big busy street in front of our house! Our other dog pretty much roams everywhere (which I'm sure my neighbors just loooooooove..... (not) but she is only 4 pounds. ANd I pick up after her.) The Boston is growing quickly and is hyper to the max! Did I mention that sh'es hyper? Is it possible for a dog to have A.D.D.?
I've expressed concern that I'm having a difficult time training her and that perhaps now is the time to get a fence or a fenceless system. Hubby says, "No, let's get rid of "it" instead! I know i would have preferred to have waited until spring to have gotten a puppy because of the obvious potty training difficulties, but couldn't we just get a fence instead? I'm so freaked!
Not to mention, it's Taylor's 21st Birthday this Saturday and we have to travel (again) for my husband's work. Under normal circumstances, it would be heaven on earth - it's why we moved to take this job (Professional sports events for my husband and Taylor to enjoy) - but now? All I want to do is crawl in a hole. I can't even write.....
Case in point, we went to the NBA All Star game last weekend in Phoenix. Well, I'm not a huge sports fan, but my husband is and it's part of his work, so we went anyway. It was "okay" (I was bored, but kept smiling) but the hardest part was being back in Phoenix where my son died.
THAT hurt..... such bad memories....
Now THIS weekend, on TAYLOR'S BIRTHDAY we have to be in Orlando for ESPN the W**kend. Sure, it *sounds* great, but to me, it's like rubbing salt into our wounds. Not only do I have to be around all the things my son thrived on and adored, but be alone with my hubby who is clearly hurting about Taylor as much as I am (I know, he's a cheater, but what can I do? Where does 50 year old woman with *** cancer (mild) and Chron's Disease (not so mild) who hasn't "really" worked in 10 years go? (PTO Prez, volunteer work and running every other committee doesn't seem to count when you're nearly 50. *sigh) So we have to be around all the big executives and their families and we will be alone. Brooke can't come this year because she has a sorority activity. Plus, she's done this three times in a row already, I'm sure she's bored of it by now. If I don't go and he does, "she" may very well be there. I won't know until I get there. So you see, I pretty much have to go, if I ask him not to, I've "ruined his life because it's so boring at home."
So all this *stuff* that would be easily handled if it happened one at a time or happened before Taylor died is beginning to wear me down. And I cannot stop crying about his 21st birthday! It's such a milestone and we will have to pretend it's not happening because we have to put on airs for these work people.
I've got some Xanax to bring with me (trust me, I'm taking one a day right now already as it is, I'm SO stressed!) but really, these people have no interest whatsoever in listening to us talk about our dead son and his birthday. It's a real downer and we know that. In a way, I can't blame them. Last year the ESPN W**kend ended just before Tay's birthday. It was fine because we had private time to grieve on that day.
I suppose it is what it is, but I'm really sad and tired, and I totally do not want to go. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Florida, Disney, and all that. I WANT to get out of here, but this is different, IYKWIM. Any advice?
Thanks all. It's good to at least be back on the forum. Now if I could just get my son's site to work right. I've been trying to change his background music to the Beatles, "You say it's your birthday" but apparently the site is down for uploading at this time. You'll just have to listen to the obnoxious stuff already on there. *cringe*
Please check it out: www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com
PS - There are a TON of helpful tips, links and such for all grieving parents, but no forum like this one! (This one is great)
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