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  #1  
Old June 13th, 2010, 15:15
averagejoe averagejoe is offline
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Default Without my brother,I may as well be dead.In fact,the world can go to hell.

I am not 100% sure of what I want to accomplish by posting this online. May be I just want to vent and leave it on writing for someone to read. May be a quiet part of me wants some sympathy but is not courageous enough so it is seeking some anonymous and faceless word of comfort.Or just a sad and long cry for attention.This is very long,so be warned that there is no point or conclusion to this,don’t expect to find anything at the end.

I am the youngest of 3 brothers by 16 years. Among my many family nicknames,I've known as the peri-menopause baby,which somehow explains the big age difference between my brothers and I. There has always been a blurred and fine line between the roles of second and third father and older brothers in my relationship with them.

My earliest memories of being a little kid mostly involve my brothers Dan and Jem,who were constantly hovering over me, spoiling me,taking care of me and at the same time being extremly permissive by allowing me to do everything that went against my father's rules. Our mother died when I was an infant, which I believe played a big part on driving my Dan and Jem's nurturing and paternal affection towards me.There was not a single lonely minute in my childhood and adolescence,my brothers were always "there".

For my part, my brothers have always been my very own superheroes.It is harder to say that outloud now that I'm not a little kid but it is still true.I admired them since day one and consciously or subconsciously,I strived to please them and live up their standards. I love them so much I can hardly take it.

Our father died unexpectedly in 2004.Jem was 34, Dan 33 and I was 17.After that,I lived with both of them through different seasons,with their respective spouses and children but those were not our best moments.There is such a thing as having too much of the people you love best and my solution was to separate myself from them for a bit.It was hard for the 3 of us but we survived and made it work over time.

Fast forward 4 years and our luck keeps getting better.Daniel got a massive infection.For days it was almost certain that he would die but he pulled a miracle out of his ass (his words) and survived.However,his kidneys were the causality of the whole ordeal.He needed a kidney transplant only 4 months after the initial infection had left his body.Jem and I took the medical tests to see if we were potential matches.Jeremy was not but I was a perfect match.There is no better thing to be perfect at than having the precise,perfect organ your brother needs to survive.Daniel got a new kidney from me,the transplant was successful and I never felt better to be alive than back then. I really thought we could relax and expect to stay together for a long,long time.

Then this past December,after months of putting it off, Jeremy went to the doctor because of some strange pain on his legs.I was out of the country when my sister in law called me and told me that Jeremy had bone cancer.I felt the exact same way I felt with Daniel's disease but only worse because there is no "donation" for cancer.There was nothing I could physically pull out of my body to save this other brother and that fact, to this day,makes me feel like a worthless piece of nothing.

Jeremy died a month ago and I think I am only half alive.I am so angry and so disappointed with the world,humanity and every single breathing thing that I wonder if someday I'm just going to snap and kill someone.I couldn't do a thing for Jeremy.Nothing.I just sat next to his bed for months and watched him struggle with horrible treatments only so he could die in terrible agony.What right does anyone have to keep breathing and living their miserable pathetic lives now that Jeremy is gone?and why the hell no one cares that he existed but a handful of broken,sad people? God,I'm so angry I could kick my own ass.

Don't get me wrong,I know this is not right and I am not seriously going to kill anyone but ****,if the world ended today that would be fine by me.In 6 years I buried my father twice.They were fine,intelligent men with wonderful brains and good intentions.I cannot believe I had the audacity to survive them both. Me and the persons who insist on offering me dumb,empty comfort with godly stories and fantasies of paradise.I don't want my brother in heaven and I don't care what god wants.**** god,self-important,insecure prick,what does he/she/it knows about having brothers,and sisters in law,and nephews and nieces.

I guess I'm going to leave my long and pointless rant there.I still know when I have gone too far.I am sorry you lost someone you loved too.I shouldn't be this hateful but I am and thank goodness I don't own a crowbar because that would be the end of many things in my bedroom.
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Life is pain management~Melvin Udall/As good as it gets.
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  #2  
Old July 2nd, 2010, 16:42
Jackie4444 Jackie4444 is offline
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I am so sorry for your loss... My Husband died 1 year ago today. Like you my husband was a pre memi baby ( Twins ) Martins 3 brothers and 1 sister are round about the same ages as yours .... Martins Twin sister has been a rock to me and i have to her . Its so hard But i can understand what you mean . Jackie x
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  #3  
Old July 21st, 2011, 11:16
vickie5053 vickie5053 is offline
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and brother. I won't say that I know how you feel because, having been through tragedy over the last 5 1/2 years, I've learned that everyone's pain is different but I think I do have some idea of where you are coming from. On Feb. 2, 2006 my 44 year old brother died unexpectedly. He was also my friend, buddy,confidant etc. I am the oldest of 5 kids and the only girl. There is a big age difference also between my brothers and me. My brother Tim is 6 1/2 years younger, Dave was (the one who died first) was 9 years younger, Brian was ( he died second) was 15 years younger and I still have Jason, who is 17 years younger. My parents divorced and we stayed with my Dad and so the boys became like my kids almost. We all have been very close all of our life. That's only part of my story....after Dave's death, my Dad just gave up and he passed away 11 months later on Jan. 16, 2007 then in 2008 my sister-in-law died unexpectedly...we made it through 2009 without any tragedy but 2010 hit us hard. January 24, 2010 my two nephews, 7 & 8 years old, drowned in the river. They fell through the ice and in spite of all the efforts of EMS, doctors and preachers, they died along with their 10 year old friend. Then in April my father-in-law died and a close friend lost her battle with liver disease. Then the one that has torn our family apart....on July 29, 2010, my brother Brian was killed in a motorcycle/truck crash. It's a long story but the short version is that his wife had been doing shots of whiskey that he didn't know about, got on the back of the bike and while they were on their way home on a country road, she passed out. He slowed the bike enough to let her fall into the grass & only have some bruises but then the bike went down, slid across the road into a ditch (it couldn't be seen ) and left him unconsious in the middle of the road. A car stopped, turned on his flashers and tried to stop a truck that was coming in the opposite direction but the guy driving never slowed down, went around the first vehicle and hit Brian, dragged him 130 ft, and to spare you all the terrble details, it was so bad that we couldn't have an open casket. The guy left the scene but not before someone got his license # but he didn't have a drivers license....not for 30 years! The cops didn't get to his house for 2 hours and never checked for alcohol, drugs etc and by the next day he was saying there was someone else that his Brian first....lies!! The worst part is NO ONE has been charged for this. Then 16 days after Brian's death, my step-Dad died. I know what you mean about anger at everyone, including God! It's been an awful few years. I'm afraid every time one of my kids leave the house, I have anxiety attacks, I cry all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be me again....I don't think so. I'm sorry for making this so long. I just want you to know that I feel your pain and anger. I have lots of my own. I hope you get better at coping with life because that's what you have to do. Everyone says time heals but it doesn't ....you somehow just have to learn to live with the pain.
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  #4  
Old July 24th, 2011, 19:36
Dragonbug Dragonbug is offline
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Default I understand your anger....

averagejoe,
I know how hard it is to sit by and watch someone you love slowly die in a horrible way.. I lost my mom almost 6 years ago to cancer... It sucks plain and simple.. It's not fair and it sure as hell isn't right.. I agree with you one hundred and ten percent. However, as angry as you are its not good for you or your surving brother.. I am sure he is hurting too, but the only thing you can do is take everything day by day and remember to strive to be the man that your father and brothers raised you to be. Be angry sure.. but let it out, wether that be on a punching bag in the gym or just screaming at the top of your lungs.. let that anger go free it will help you to find peace.

You never stop missing them, but it does get easier to take everyday..

Good luck and I am happy to talk if you need someone to listen

Bug
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  #5  
Old July 26th, 2011, 01:56
Fleming Fleming is offline
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Hi AverageJoe,

It's been just over a year since you posted this and I hope things have gotten better for you. I'm not sure how much help this will be for you at this point, but I do have a similar story. 5 1/2 years ago, I lost my older brother, Eddie, who was 3 years older than me when I was 25. I'm the youngest of three too.

He was my mentor and I loved every moment I had with him. When he passed away, I was extremely upset as well and really didn't understand how the rest of the world kept going when it felt like mine was crashing before me and my family. "Why the **** aren't people feeling as hurt as I was??" I thought. And more of those thoughts just kept piling on.

As the day of the funeral came closer, my attention shifted to making sure all the arrangements were in order. Strangely, this distraction was helpful. And as I was able to take more time to collect my thoughts, I realized I needed to channel my anger into something more productive; something that would make Eddie proud and not let his life be in vain. So, I went ahead and created a free online memorial community. It helps to know that we're not alone with our horrendous experiences...

To add onto our similarities, my oldest brother is 14 years older than me and I also view/ed him as more of a father figure. Since then, it's become more of a brotherly relationship which I'm grateful to have.

I hope my story is helpful to some degree.

Warm regards,
Fleming
http://www.warmtribute.com
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