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Old June 4th, 2012, 19:31
lilypad2 lilypad2 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1
Default Bereavement has changed my relationship

I'm 21 and my mum passed away last year. It was fairly unexpected, though we had a few weeks to say goodbye during which time I did the majority of looking after her because it was too difficult for my father to see his wife lose all her dignity. Obviously this was a terrible time for me, I felt very emotionally traumatised by it and have seen a counsellor to talk through my grief for the last year.

I was very very close to my mum, she was my best friend and I miss her every second of every day still. However I feel that for the most part I have gone through the grieving process now, I am enjoying life again. I almost feel like a different person: a little more spontaneous, less worried about things, always trying to seize the day, trying new things, remembering that life is short.

My problem is that I feel like my relationship with my long-term boyfriend has been changed because of this. I've been with him for 4 years, which I know is an awful long time for people so young. He was a great comfort to me throughout my difficult time, even though he didn't really know what to do, and for that I am and always will be so grateful.

The problem is that I recently I've fell less connected to him, less excited to see him. I almost feel like since he saw me at my worst, I'm no longer fun and attractive to him, but also from a selfish point of view he reminds me of how my life used to be and I feel like I owe him something that I can never repay.

Does anyone else have any experience of their relationships changing after bereavement? Is it a permanent thing? Am I being crazy? Or is this not even anything to do with my grief?

The worst part is that the person I could go to for advice on this would have been my mum
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Old June 5th, 2012, 05:09
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,144

hi i am sorry for your loss of mum you said you cannot talk to her but you are wrong about that if you just sit and talk to mum you can here what she says it all comes to you the answer to your problems like a gift from her in heaven try it.
you have done well in your recovery some of that is due to your boyfriend who has stood beside you and in a young man says a lot about his personality and love for you he is to be admired you relied on him and he never let you down some men at that age just want the fun any problems come up would run a mile so i like him but you don't owe him anything he chose to be there
i don't want to harp on of your ages as some meat at 16 and live in love forever and you both seem very mature but i think that is the key to all this doubt nothing to do with mum or how life was before
in relationships we all change it's very suttle you don't even notice it you have changed in some ways since mum went and through it all must have made the two of you more intense as you went through grief but you either grow together or drift apart and the two of you are drifting at the moment if you were my daughter i would say
talk to him sit and discuss your feelings it may be hard as men have a problem opening up you may find theres more there than you thought or you may find it's time to move on it must be done kindly and hopefully you can stay very good friends
make sure in your mind it's what you really want when you make a descision
to spend your life with someone there should be no shred of doubt the ones that last not only have love but friendship it's usually an everlasting
i would also say how would you feel if you saw him with someone else(think hard on that one )
i wish you love in your life and joy in feeling your mothers presence with you
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Old June 5th, 2012, 10:36
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default Welcome Lilypad2

I must say I'm very sorry to hear of your mother's passing... and you have made the right step posting what is going on in your life here in the forums..

What I think you are going through is the settling in... It is the period coming into your second year since your dear mom passed.. This is a time when you are looking at things more closely.. The pain and sorrow of your mother's passing is still there but it is not so all encompassing as it has been in the first year early in the grief cycle.. This alone gives you more time to focus on life and how things have changed for yourself and in the world ... The second year is mainly about introspection...looking outwards and inwards into your life... Pain.. sorrow .. anguish and misery... changes us more than we think and when we sit down and look at where we were and where we are now in the cycle it seems like another lifetime ago..

I agree with Hazel that you should give your boyfriend a chance.. Let some time pass before you pull the plug on the relationship for what you think is a disconnection.. or that you have changed too much and let it change your feelings for him..

I'm into my 4 year of the cycle since I had lost my wife... She was my best friend.. the mother of our 3 little girls and my soul mate... it had been a horrible ordeal to go through .. but out of the ashes comes life again.... in that time I have been able to pick up the pieces and met my current wife( A very compassionate and understanding lady) and remarried late last year... So I'm living proof that life does rebuild and start again after deep devastation.... you just have to be open to starting again after your loss... I also learned in my life who my true friends are .. that stood buy me through the last 4 years... and these are precious in this life...

What I wanted to say is are still early in your grief/mourning cycle..It’s essential to surround oneself by compassionate, brave souls, who won’t be afraid to help you through this journey, who won’t shudder at the extent of your grief or leave you because you trigger feelings of fear and insecurity in them. Your Boyfriend has shown compassion and friendship and love by not leaving your side from the beginning of the grief cycle to where you are now.. That is a gift and a strength...and is a rare find... because people come and go even those who have lost someone they were very close to themselves.. Embrace that quality and let it be a support not a detriment...

All I'm saying is look at things very closely now... relationships... friends... compassion.. and understanding... you alone control how you fair in the rest of the cycle through grief and mourning. If someone can stick by you through the fires and temperance of pain , misery, and your suffering and not bail on you.. They are a true friend.. embrace that..

Well that is my two cents worth... sorry I didn't mean to come off harsh here by telling you what to do..

I just wouldn't want anyone to miss the signs of a true compassionate friend..

I wish you hope and peace

Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...


Last edited by cal821 : June 5th, 2012 at 18:31.
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