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Old December 10th, 2014, 12:50
Daddys8233Girl Daddys8233Girl is offline
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Default Maybe It Was Time

Um... I'm not really sure where to begin. So I'll just type and see where that goes.
My father and I were extremely close when I was young, and I was always by his side when I could be. My mother and I got along fine, but it was really my dad that I was attached to. He was my father, my friend, and my closest confidante. He and I were always together, bread and butter and all that. He taught me so much, and he was always there to make me smile when I had a bad day.
When I was ten, my parents got a divorce and my father moved four states away. We were given visitation rights, and we were allowed to go see him every summer, every other winter, and every other spring. We followed this for a long while, and I was always happy to go see him.
Let me explain his situation a bit before I go on. My father has been through a lot. He was in the Coast Guard, and then the Navy, and while in the Navy, he took a grenade to the back, causing some serious mental health problems. He had seizures on a pretty regular basis, episodes where he couldn't move certain parts of his body, and it was a pretty bad situation. Not to mention, he had survived cancer. He was a strong man, and he always was that way, constantly trying to show that he wasn't sick when he could, and he didn't want me and my sister seeing this side of him. He was a man of many values.
Well, when i entered high school, he was getting worse, and my mother decided that she didn't feel comfortable with us going to see him. I thought this was a bad thing, because for him to get better he would need his daughters, and people that loved him by his side. He had our grandmother/his mom, which was great, but in my mind that wasn't enough. I wanted to be there by his side and help him through anything he had to go through, but because my mother didn't think it was a good idea, I never got to see him.
Over the years he got worse and worse, but he still held on, and I would try to call him every day, and some days he would pick up, but most days, he was having a "bad day" and couldn't talk, or answer the phone. I called my grandmother many times to see how he was doing, and she would give me updates and tell me what was going on, but in the end, I never really knew.
I found out, my senior year, that he had been in and out of the hospital, and that he wasn't doing so good. I wanted more than anything to fly out there and see him, but it wasn't enough. I had school to worry about, and not enough money to pay for a ticket to get out there in the first place. So I tried call after call after call. Finally, when I had enough money, and I had planned to go out there, a couple weeks before my birthday, I get a call to tell me that he passed away...
I had not seen my father for five years, and I get a call that he passed away, from "natural causes" at the age of 41. I guess he had been sick for a very long time, and he really was trying hard to stay alive, but... when you're 18 years old, and you haven't seen the most important person in your whole life for five years, and they pass away a week after you talk with them on the phone, it's hard to believe, and it's hard to grasp. We had the memorial two days after my birthday, and we had to fly out for a while, we stayed for almost a week in Washington State where he and his family lived, and I was asked to sing for his memorial.
I never forgave myself for not trying harder to go see him, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I blamed myself that he got sicker, because I wasn't there to help him get better. I know that's not true, and I know I shouldn't think of it that way, but that's how it comes across in my mind, and I wish that just one more time, or somehow I could tell him I love him, and that I'm sorry for not being there more to see him.
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Old December 10th, 2014, 17:03
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi daddy's girl i am so very sorry that your beloved dad has passed to heaven it's very sad that it was impossible for you to have met him these past five years but you must not blame yourself you have been in a very difficult situation You are not of an age where you are finacially able to make these choices your dad would have known that and i'm sure your messages were a great comfort to him Every one of us who loses a loved one has some regrets big and small so don't think these feelings of guilt are justified they are unfounded and uneccessary we all feel them i don't know why but it's very normal with grief.So first of all try to lay down the beating yourself up for not being able to do what your heart wished It's very sad that as a child you were thrown into a life not of your choosing but your parents had to make these decisions for their own lives and that effects their children i'm sure it was difficult for both of them especially with your dads health problems Your dad knew he was loved and he loved you he wouldn't have wished to cause you any suffering and pain no father would so you have to be the daughter he wants you to be and thats happy he sounds a very courageous man you have to draw on his strength his courage is within you to get through this sad time .Some people think our loved ones in heaven can hear us if we talk to them you might find this helps or you can write him a letter read it aloud tell him all you regret that you wern't able to be there as you wished and how much you love him taking this quiet time to yourself you may find some peace and feel his presence close to you .Love is always felt from heaven and earth we will always be binded to them by the love we shared love is eternal it doesn't end because we can no longer be with them in the physical it's felt in our hearts wherever we may be . Don't keep your feelings to yourself open up to family and friends who will be there for you talking to someone who listens and understands ,letting out the tears, and time are the best ways to get through grief i pray you have the help you deserve i send you a hug to say i care and i will be here if you need a friend to talk to
love hazel xxx
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Old December 16th, 2014, 10:08
cal821 cal821 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 477
Default Iam sorry for your loss........

Daddys8233Girl,

please accept my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dear father. know that you have come to a place of kindred spirits.. where you can read, write, rant ,rave and never be judged for it here.

I wish you peace for your shattered heart..

Cal821 ( Dave )
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Memory can only tell us what we were,
in the company of those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become.
Yet no person is really alone;
those who live no more echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did has become woven into what we are.

I wish you peace and a level path on your journey...

Cal821
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