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  #1  
Old October 11th, 2013, 16:47
ghostface ghostface is offline
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Default Unresolved grief ruined my life.

I was 6 when my Mom passed from cancer and no one ever gave me the chance to grieve or even explain to a 6 year old why the grieving process is vital, no one sat me down for a one to one or even asked me was how I felt about it.

The emotional pain would surface but only in public when other kids would come up to me to say sorry about your Mom like at the funeral, then it welled up inside me and felt like I was going to break down crying, was I going to have an emotional out burst in public?, no so I had to push it back down as far as I could to avoid that embarrassment, it never came out when I was by myself and I wish it had back then or if there was someone else I could have opened up to.

I completely buried it deep down inside and just went on with life, there were times where if I was ever upset in certain situation's it would trigger the suppressed grieve to come out and it was always in public so I had to push it back down again, example been in class and not being able to to a math's sum triggered it to come out in front of all my class mates so again I had to push it back down.

By the time I was 15 my life was going great and I was always very proud of how well I was doing without having a mom in my life, I was highly charismatic, other then academics there was no area or part of my self I didn't excel in, I had the world at my feet and was set to do big thing's when I got older and that's when unresolved grieve hit me.

I didn't know what it was when it started, I knew something was wrong just didn't know what and from that point on my life took a drastic downward spiral, it's like you just stop being happy but without any specific cause, your not yourself anymore and you don't know why and I didn't have anyone close in my life for me to turn to for advise or guidance, I have memory's of this turning point the first one being hating all emotion inside myself, basic emotion such as smiling, displaying happiness and making a conscience choice to suppress everything and to get as far away as possible from it, at home I made the conscience choice to no longer take pleasure out of anything in life, television, food, music, thing's that I loved, I think the term for having an emotional attachment to object's and activity's that we enjoy and love doing is called cathexis?, so I broke off everything that I loved to do and things that gave me pleasure in life, I was changing inside, turning to the dark side if you will, I aspired to be an angry hateful person, something that I never was in the first place and peoples reactions were not good, I was always used to being at the top of the social hierarchy and loved to be around other people, fed off it, it fired up my charisma, but from here on in every interaction I had with people was negative, people reacted almost in disgust and turned there backs on me, the rock solid self confidence that I had always enjoyed was being shattered on a daily basis, a year later from all these changes I found my self completely alone in the world crying my eyes out every day trying to figure out how I could have fallen so far and ended up so alone.

From there I fell into a deep dark depression accompanied with so much anger that grew over the years and fed of itself, I'm not going to bother going into detail over the past 15 years because it was hell, from the age of 29 on wards I started getting better, last spring I finally grieved as if the person had just died and since then the depression and anger have gradually all but subsided, the tension Iv been carrying in my body these past 15 years is starting to leave and I'm experiencing something of an emotional re-awakening again, just wish it had happened a lot sooner, I have lost over half of my life to unresolved grief.

I'll leave it at that, I'm a male and about to turn 31 next month.
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  #2  
Old October 13th, 2013, 05:27
tom-fisherman tom-fisherman is offline
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Shalom in Yeshua Ghostface and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that the death of your mom when you were six had such an effect on your emotional development, mind and life experience. Know that I have already said a prayer for your continued healing from this sadness.

Your story is not uncommon as adults do tend to think that by not including children they are somehow protecting them, but this is not the case. You have clearly shown to those who come to this forum the damage that can be caused by not talking about it.

It is so important that we all grieve for our loved ones no matter how old we are. Thank you for bringing your story here so others can begin to understand.

May God bless you
Tom
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  #3  
Old October 13th, 2013, 06:58
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi ghostface so sorry for all you have gone through but telling your story will help people understand grief and importantly not talking and holding back emotions whatever they are is bad for the mind as a child it's so difficult as they look to adults to learn what to do and think its expected of them to hold back when probably parents are doing their grieving in private
it's a hard lesson but on this forum there will be parents who will read this and you may help a child from going through the same it's a courageous kind act and shows your good heart and healing mind as you have overcome your loss
saying you have lost years is not altogether correct as whatever we have had to overcome has taught us many things you may not realise it yourself but you are now a better person more compassionate can speak of your feelings and care for others more you understand depression and with all the gifts this journey has left you with you can reach out to others and your compassion will shine through touching the hearts of many people
depression is all sad thoughts in the mind that takeover it effects everything we do or say how we react to others some shut themselves away from life it can take us into ruin with bad choices but think of these years as a learning curve to life have no regrets it's all in the past depression is an illness you have recovered
you are a young man at 31 you have a lifetime in front of you to live and enjoy mums love is in your heart she will always be walking beside you she is part of you I wish you nothing more than love and peace and a happy life xxxxhazel
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Last edited by hazelharris : October 13th, 2013 at 07:03.
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  #4  
Old October 17th, 2013, 21:14
Heartbroken4life Heartbroken4life is offline
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Default Thank you

For sharing your post I am sorry for your loss, but am glad that you were able to begin your grieving. I know how important it is to grieve and I feel like I understand where you were because I feel like I have to stay strong and
Not cry, but after I cry my tears seem to cleanse me for a short moment. I pray for your healing.
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  #5  
Old October 18th, 2013, 15:07
ghostface ghostface is offline
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Cheers for all the kind supportive encouraging words especially you Hazel Haris, to have your life cut short at such a young age and to endure so much suffering for so many years and then to finally come out it when your best years and your youth are behind you to wake up from something to the realization that your life is completely screwed, should I really be so gratefull?, should I be thanking God for finally releasing me from something I begged him to let me go from every day and night for over a decade?, I dunno, Im out of it now but Im Pretty pissed about the whole thing, I was meant to be either a successful comedian or a talented musican, instead Im unemployable after been on disability for 7 years, I never even learned to drive, I have no friends when I should have lot, I should have been with a lot of women over the years but havent been with one since 16 as I was unable to feel anything emotionally for the opposite ***, so yeah thank you God and thank you unresolved Grieve for robbing me of my life and reducing me to a failure an adulthood that no woman would want, and on top everything not a single soul reached out to help when all I needed was someone I could have opened up to to get it out of my system, nice.

Last edited by ghostface : October 18th, 2013 at 15:37.
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  #6  
Old October 18th, 2013, 15:35
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi ghostface if we build up in a heap all our past problems it looks like a mountain in front of us instead of realising its behind us you have had so many problems and hurt to overcome sometimes it makes us pessimistic my problems are not the same as yours but believe me I have had a mountain too but I feel proud that I have been able to overcome or accept them as part of life unfortunately some of us seem to suffer more than most but no one knows what the future holds
has depression knocked out of you all that humour you must have had a sense of humour to think of being a comedian you are using your disability as an excuse I know many comedians with big disabilities try not to look at what you haven't achieved but what you can achieve you just need hope encouragement optimism and a mind you want to succeed yes it's full of pitfalls not everything will work out but humour and personality will take you far if you look as if you think you will fail people pick up on that but if you shine optimism you will eventually get on people will like you more and you will make friends
I know it's not easy for you my heart goes out to you but your first thread was so full of hope life can be good if only you will give it a chance to get better love hazelxxxxx
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  #7  
Old October 18th, 2013, 16:03
ghostface ghostface is offline
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Thanks again Hazel for your reply always very encouraging, its up to me from here on in what happens but right now I really dont give a crap, I only made the second post to get a response and your reply was very kind, supportive and genuine, the vibrant charsmatic personality and razor sharp wit is something that developed over the first 15 years of me living, learning and growing and been around people, it got obliviated within the first year of the depression, you loose your spark and have no idea why, then you have to go the rest of your life as a shadow of your former self not knowing why but knowing in the back of your mind somethings wrong you just dont know what its not something thats gunna come back out of no where plus life is a Pretty different ball game to that of a 21 year old Im still stewing that I missed the opportunity to be absolved from all this when I was 21, I was in a mental hell then, Ah Im on a waiting list for a psycholigist lota stuff I have to discuss but thank you Hazel for listening.

Last edited by ghostface : October 18th, 2013 at 16:11.
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  #8  
Old October 18th, 2013, 17:01
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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hi ghostface thanks for your reply it's always good to talk even get others opinions even if you don't agree with them depression is all thoughts in the mind and its difficult to eliminate them especially if you have suffered for some time its a habit that somehow needs breaking I do hope you get the help you need
I think and it's an opinion that I only have from our few words that you are a lot better than you were so count this as progress all small steps in the right direction
like I said before 31 is still very young you will be able to have a wonderful life when all this is behind you I wish I could let you feel how good life can be but its all yours for the taking in the future if you give it a chance
love hazel xxxxx
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  #9  
Old October 18th, 2013, 17:13
hazelharris hazelharris is offline
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and one more thing if you need to talk again I am on here some days and will love to hear from you find out how you are coping but your names going to change no more ghostface I will call you handsome or something beautiful that you would like to be called instead xx
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  #10  
Old October 18th, 2013, 17:29
ghostface ghostface is offline
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Yeah I know and yes your right I am a lot better then I have been these past 15 years, like I said since I grieved the all consuming depression and anger as really faded away I might seem depressed right now but its nothing in comparison to what it was and again your right, the longer it lasts and the severity make it harder to break free from as you have had so many bad memory's and experiences when you were still going through it, for the first time since it started Im able to feel emotionally, Im able to smile and feel good again after been so cold and dark but I dont think Im ever going to be able to let go of the regret of loosing so much of what I was and the years of life I lost spent in darkness. Thats cool just read your last post Ill keep you updated.

Last edited by ghostface : October 30th, 2013 at 20:51.
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